Sometimes the more you try and get something the more you drive it away. I was completely in your shoes 6 years ago. I was lucky enough to be able jack everything in and go travel – I spent 6 and half months travelling overland with 40 people on a truck and then two years doing working holiday visa in Austraia and Canada.

In Australia in picked up a book called ‘how to make every man want you’ and don’t let the title put you off I found this book pure gold because it was not about ensnaring a man it was about getting to a place where you were ok with life and the absolute most attractive thing about a person is someone who is happy and comfortable in their own skin. This book with what i gained from travelling turned my life round (with a lot of work on me and my brain in the process I might add lol)

So i found the man of my dreams right – this is how these things end. Well I thought I did. I had the most amazing relationship with a guy but he wasn’t in the same place as me and had his own things to deal with and in hindsight we wouldn’t have worked but I was so happy about who i had been in that relationship. Not putting pressure on it, not trying to make him responsible for my happiness. I could have allowed the break up to destroy me as I would in the past BUt something from that book helped and it was ‘Relationships are spiritual opportunities not needs based exchanges’. That relationship was to help me learn about how I idealise LOVE and believe romantic love it is the highest calling (damn you disney films 🙂 )

I am now with a wonderful guy (who i met on Match!) and talking about marriage and moving across the world to create a life with him. Its not the hollywood passionate, i dont care that you are terrible for me, i love you and thats all that matters, relationship. Its a slow burning, friendship based, we want to create a beautiful life together as a supportive team enabling each of us to be who we are as separate people in something that is greater than the sum of our parts type relationship and its something i could never have had, never have grown in to this person that frankily I like a whole lot more than the me 6 years ago if I hadn’t had the experiences I had.

Maybe I wont end up having children because it took me a lot longer, maybe i will. If I do then they will get a much better mother and role model because of the way my life panned out.

Anyway your post struck a cord with me because I was there at the same age with everyone else getting married and even starting to have kids while I couldn’t get anyone to even date me (so you are ahead of me there).

Take the pressure of you and the men you meet. Spend some time investigating you and your attitudes to love and relationships. Men have an amazing ‘desperation’ sensor that causes them to run a mile and for people that are generally considered to be a bit clueless about feelings they tend to be pretty good at knowing when someone is not happy in themselves. The not so nice ones will use that to their advantage and nice ones will run a mile 🙂

Turned out the only thing wrong with me was my attitude to relationships, maybe that’s the only thing that you need to change too 🙂

I am no expert but the stress of ‘trying’ often seems to affect fertility. There are many stories of people who thought they were infertile, adopted, and then because they had loosened up about it conceived naturally. Some of your desire may be hormonal too rather than a true desire. Our bodies go a little crazy at this time (im also 35 and dont have kids yet!) and get that biological reaction that makes animal have mating seasons 🙂

Yes this is one of those “trying times”.

My advice would be focus on the love you have for your son and husband and don’t actively try and don’t actively not try. Instead of praying for another child, pray to be able to accept what ever happens and to have the best relationship with your husband and son and new baby if that is what happens.

As you have said it would be awful to have another child at the expense of your marriage, to have two children who you don’t see every other weekend, who have a whole separate life with their father (and potential new partner) that you aren’t part of. Or even worse to have that with your son because if this issue.

Once you make peace with your self you will be able to help your husband process his feelings.

I find that my relationships work best when I sort through my feelings separately so i know where I am and then I take myself out of the equation and don’t see the other person as ‘my’ something, who ‘should’ know/do/be anything. I try and think of them as a friend that you love deeply and want the best for and who is going through a hard time. In your husbands case with an emotional, unhappy wife, who is feeling inadequate and a bit lost as too how to help) and talk to him from that frame of mind. If you catch yourself saying anything that has a “should” in it apologize immediately! 🙂

Sending you lots of love and good wishes for what ever happens.

Hi Laure

You post is very eye opening to what it must be like to be wired differently to a lot of people. You communicate that beautifully.In my limited experience we are all on a ‘spectrum’ no one process the world in exactly the same way or needs exactly the same things from others in their social interactions.

The idea that we can only find happiness from other people is so common in the media, culture etc and at its base root is true in that we are social animals – we rely on co-operations with others to survive and raise children (unfortunately unlike other animals they don’t just pop out fairly self sufficient or just take a couple of months to mature!) However taken to the extreme it can be seriously damaging as the ability to be emotionally self sufficient and having an excellent relationship with your self I am discovering is key to being healthy and having healthy relationships.

I think the focus you are taking of working on accepting you as you and working through the idea that you need others in the way society portrays is a wise one. As you are more comfortable with who you are that is an attractive (in the sense it attracts people to you) quality. If you are able to explain to people who you are and be ok that some people are not going to get it, and that that says as much about them and their issues as it ever does about you, you will slowly find people who will appreciate you and be your social network, may be not many (I only have three true friends!) but they will be real honest friendships based on who you actually are as people and not the ‘needs exchanges’ that many social relationships are based on.

Sending you a non touching hug 🙂

I like your name myotherme.

For a long time I was my ‘myotherme’ and gosh she was a pain in the butt (and yes often thought suicide was the only option). I get those facebook look back on your memories things now and cringe at some of the stuff i posted about my life and myself but it makes me realise that I have changed I am not even that person anymore – although she still pops in every now and then to let me know she is still around or to point out some other things I need to work on 🙂

I like being on the other side where I am this me (if that makes sense) and I no longer identify myself as her although it does make my head feel crowded sometimes when now me is having to talk some sense in to her or calm her down about stuff.

I got two things from your original post that I wanted to share

1. It is normal to feel this

I spent years working putting myself through college to obtain as Masters degree in teaching, only to feel that it I couldn’t be successful in that career. I let myself down and failed. I hated myself for all the sacrifice and work I put myself through, only to discover I couldn’t live up to my expectations or overcome my challenges.

but it doesn’t make it a correct assessment of the situation. Well done for putting yourself through college and equal well done for realising it wasn’t the career for you. That takes guts! And insight! And real strength of character – so many people would have stuck with something that wasn’t right because they were scared. Failing to be something that isn’t right isn’t failing its trying it out. Failing would have been not even trying to get your Masters in the first place 🙂

2. Be nicer to yourself. You are doing the best you can with the cards you were dealt. Forgive yourself for how you treated your ex because you have learnt from that experience and it sounds like that you isn’t the you now. Stop thinking current you deserves to be punished for what past you did. Punishment is there to stop someone doing something (already done it seems) and make them learn not to do it again (already done it seems) so in your case no longer needed.

Anyway you don’t need me waffling on at you (im not as insightful as Anita and I’m ok with that) but I’m serious about being nice to yourself, specifically talking nice to yourself (in your head if you are in public obviously!) It was the start of everything for me 🙂

hugs

Eris

Hey Kristin.

Firstly – well done! working, raising a kid, being a wife and continuing your education are all major things you should be proud of all on their own never mind all at the same time! (Even if you don’t feeling you are doing them all well – just doing them all is impressive so be proud of yourself!)

Secondly – How do you commute? I was just thinking that 45 minutes each way could be your little space for you. Use to to practice mindfulness, gratitude, meditate (maybe not if you are driving…), listen to audio books – make it your little chill out zone – or car dancing, sing along to the radio zone if you are driving 🙂 whatever you feel like you need and can do. Have that bit of time that you dedicate to you (rather than just thinking about all the things you should be doing etc) and that should help with the rest of the stressful day hopefully 🙂

Hugs

Erin

Congratulations ffran – well done in making something happen that you wanted. Its lovely to have someone share something good.

I like your Dad’s saying – we see more of what we look for. Its why when you are single and lonely everyone seems to be a couple lol.

When I was in a particular low mood and walking to a friends house I realized I was hating everyone going by – seeing all the (what I considered) negative things them, smoking/stupidly dressed/too loud, so I force myself to silently compliment one good thing I could see about everyone going past (nice shoes, helping the environment by biking etc) and suddenly people were not so bad and I was feeling like people were generally nice or at least o.k. I guess it particularly works with people as we are a mix of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ qualities or things people can perceive that way 🙂

I feel neutral about your baby dislike – they aren’t for everyone.

the wedding/funeral thing i’d need more clarification on before I judged you (because we all do it lol) – is it a strangers or a loved ones?