Hi Luna

I think everyone is different. Some people are attracted to lots of people. Some people are attracted to very few people. Some people fall somewhere in the middle.

You mentioned not feeling a spark with anyone in your social circle. Where do you think you fall on the spectrum above?

Something to consider is what you would like in a partner?

I would agree that your situation is normal.

The feeling of noviceness that you mentioned. Do you mean that because of your inexperience with relationships you feel intimidated by it? Or just lacking understanding about it?

Personally, I think it took me a few years to get to grips with dating. For me there was that question of what is love? I went around a few different relationships going is this love? Nope. Maybe this is love? Kinda but nope. Until I found a partner that was actually ready for a healthy relationship.

It’s kind of a journey and when we’re young, we’re all just trying to find our why. I feel like a lot of people experience noviceness when they’re new to relationships but perhaps don’t worry about it and try to go with the flow. It sounds like you’re very self aware so you may just be a bit more introspective and tuned into your feelings than others. I know that I felt like a novice when I was starting out. I was also not attracted to very many people either. This may have been part of why it took years to get to grips with things. Whereas people who date more frequently may develop a perspective on these things more quickly.

Dating honestly depends on what you’re comfortable with. Some people like to use dating apps. Some people like to go to places where they meet new people. Some people like to go to parties. Some people like to join hobby groups.

Ultimately, the goal is to meet new people. Do any of these ideas resonate with you?

Wishing you all the best! Good luck in your dating journey! 🙏

Hi Neha

I’m so sorry to hear that you grew up not just in poverty, but also in a violent home. That must make this a very intense trigger for you since it was such a traumatic experience growing up.

As an adult you know it’s not the same situation, but I can understand why it still makes you so uncomfortable.

It sounds like you and your partner have different styles with handling money and decision making. Did he discuss this important decision of quitting his job with you first?

It sounds like you’re very cautious with money being careful to save. Whereas your partner is less cautious as he is willing to leave a job without another one lined up.

I can understand him leaving a job because he was being overworked and feeling depressed. I personally wouldn’t because like you, I’m cautious. But some people definitely do that because they have different values. It sounds like he prioritises wellbeing over security.

Has quitting the job helped his depression? I’m curious because for some people being out of work can make depression worse.

I do think it’s important to discuss the situation with him because borrowing $6000 and being in additional credit card debt is definitely concerning. At this point you both need to figure out what to do next.

Everyone is different and has different preferences. Do you have any ideas for what you would like to happen?

Personally, I would consider his usual salary and figure out how much it takes him to repay things this can help you understand the implications of the situation he is in with repaying debt.

And you need to consider your finances too because you don’t want to put yourself in a difficult position either. Realistically, you’re fairly comfortable at the moment with the amount of savings you have, but you don’t want to keep burning through them like this. It’s important to set boundaries and expectations before things go too far. You’ve been really patient and supportive, but I think you recognise at this point it needs to be discussed.

You’re right, depending on his field it can take longer. IT for example is difficult at the moment to find a job in because there are massive layoffs in that sector. Competition is intense.

Lower skilled people can also have a lot of difficulty finding a new job, again because of all of the competition.

I can tell that you love your partner. I can understand why you don’t want to stress him. However, I think you can have an empathetic and calm discussion about finances. It’s ultimately what every couple has to face. It wouldn’t hurt at this point for him to kick his search up a notch because the financial situation is becoming challenging.

It’s okay to discuss being stressed about finances in a relationship. This is something that you both can empathise with because he is no doubt stressed about it too at this point.

I don’t know if you live together or what your situation is but he may want to consider scaling down his spending. He may actually need your help going over and planning all of this stuff because you are quite good at this stuff, whereas he might not be as good with it.

I had to help my now husband, at the time fiancé with reviewing his finances because he wasn’t really aware of some of the problems he was facing.

You mentioned that the relationship is too good to lose. Is part of you afraid that he would be upset to talk about this situation? Or afraid to lose him because of it? Do you think he would be receptive to it?

Have you had any experiences in the past where people have had difficulty with discussing things like this?

I think getting engaged is fine, I was quite happy to get engaged but it is a good idea for the situation to be resolved before marriage. You have to be careful for your own future. Someone who has financial issues now, can easily find these issues reoccurring throughout the relationship. How he manages this situation now reflects how he will manage it in the future. Different couples have different ways of navigating these issues. You both need to find a way that you’re both comfortable with.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Anonymous03

I’m sorry to hear that you had a fight with your boyfriend.

I think it’s hard to gauge fully what happened because you didn’t share what initially upset your partner.

Obviously, bringing up the past with your previous bf, threatening to leave (which you actually did first by asking if he wanted to break up) then he did it back to you, and insulting your dreams are not things people are supposed to do in arguments and make people feel very hurt.

It looks like there were some triggers going on for both of you. He made that comment about your dreams which triggered you. Then you asked about breaking up which triggered him and he said more hurtful things following that.

The argument clearly escalated when you were both triggered. In the past, has he behaved similarly in arguments when he’s triggered? Because a concern for you is that he could behave similarly again.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Neha

It seems like this experience with your boyfriend has been an emotional trigger for you. Do you want to talk about the experiences of poverty that you grew up in? I can understand the direct parallels between your current and past experiences and that this is causing you a lot of pain.

Can you explain a little more about the situation why your boyfriend quit his job? There are some valid reasons to quit a job. I’m curious what his reasons were.

It’s good to hear that you do still have financial stability with a good amount in savings. It’s also good to hear that outside of the money issues he is treating you well. And it gives me some faith that he was always generous when he had a job.

I can understand the concern with money issues affecting the relationship. A trait people look for in a partner is the ability to build a future together and with him accruing debt this calls into question this future.

It is a fact though that at some point in every relationship everyone goes through similar circumstances. It sucks being unemployed and it can take a year to find a new job. Is he putting in the effort to actively look?

I think hard times are the best time to actually understand the nature of your partner. It’s easy for people to be kind when things are going well.

I hope that he finds a job soon and pays off his debt so that you can both recover from this experience and put it behind you.

I would also suggest being clear that you don’t plan on marrying him while he is still in debt. He does need to show you that he is capable of building a future with you again by paying off his debts.

I went through a similar experience with my now husband. He wasn’t unemployed but made some choices and had difficulty managing his finances and ended up getting into debt. I just told him that I couldn’t marry him until he sorted out his finances and in time, (when he got a better job) he was able to pay off his debts. He also learned to become better with money during this process.

As for the money he owes you, it’s ultimately your decision how you want to proceed. I know that you’re not yet married and everyone has different perspectives of how they would like to handle things. Do you have any thoughts about how you would like to proceed?

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Stacy

I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling. It does make sense with the anniversary and the break up that things are very hard at the moment. Please take good care of yourself, you need it the most when you are feeling at your worst. ❤️

You keep blaming yourself for the breakup and various things. But it sounds like part of you is identifying things that he has done wrong. Yet, you suffer with confusion as to whether these things you have identified are valid.

They are.

Therapy can be helpful. But ultimately a therapist can’t do the work for you. I’m referring to your ex here. There are people who can go to therapy for their whole lives and not get anywhere if they refuse to make any changes. What your ex learned in therapy and at home is how to talk about things. But talking doesn’t replace the action. The action is necessary for growth.

He would often use his talking skills developed in therapy when you confronted him with valid issues and turn it around on you.

He “validated” your hurt feelings about liking the sexy photos. Then proceeded to refuse to change his behaviour pretending that he wouldn’t know which things you would take issue with when you provided a very clear description. By trying to blame your anxiety and hurt feelings he effectively manoeuvred himself into the situation that he wanted. He didn’t have to change his behaviour. Whilst it might be true that in some circumstances you could experience anxiety at him liking clothed pretty women. You understood that asking him not to like every woman would be unreasonable and you managed your anxiety around that issue.

He knew and understood that liking sexy photos was wrong of him and hurting you. Yet, he chose to do what suited him, what gave him pleasure.

How a healthy loving partner would have replied to your request to not like sexy pictures. They would have simply agreed and not done it again.

You keep blaming yourself for various things throughout the relationship but you both had incompatible lifestyles. You could never have had a future and lived together because of his addiction to smoking weed. Physically, it would have made you ill because of your health issues. He clearly had no plans of the relationship progressing.

A healthier person would have tried to deal with the addiction to build a future with their partner.

I don’t like how he refused to introduce you to his friends either, using weed and your health issues as an excuse. Do you see a pattern of him subtly blaming you to get what he wants?

A healthy person would have told his friends about your asthma. Decent people are happy enough not to smoke for a couple of hours if it would make someone unwell.

I don’t doubt that he was kind and caring sometimes. No one is mean 100% of the time. And he had this unique trick of subtly blaming you to hide the fact that he was being cruel. With your shame about your own mental health issues and difficulties with negative self-talk I would imagine that you found it difficult to stand up to this.

Because he could communicate well and be charming, he could make you feel cared for at times. You have been through so much in your life that it felt like love. But love is where actions match the words. And there are many things he did often that were unkind.

agree that he was trying to change you by asking you to shame him. This is actually what I was referring to in my reply before about him ignoring your boundaries. Even with the photos that was him ignoring your boundaries.

I’m not suggesting that he is a bad person. But he is unhealthy and not capable of a healthy relationship at this time.

glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist! It sounds like things are going well with your therapist because you are correctly identifying valid issues. You just need to learn to trust your instincts a little more.

I’m so sorry to hear about your family issues past and present. That must have been terrifying as a child when your brother was having an episode. The metal covering the hole in the bathroom is a heartbreaking image. You deserved so much that unfortunately, your parents were unable to provide. Every child deserves to live comfortably, every adult too! It’s sad that this isn’t a reality experienced in the world.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Ben

I’m sorry to hear about the break up. It must be difficult dealing with such a loss.

I think you knew the risks going into the relationship since he was dating someone else throughout.

This relationship might not have had a future. But you chose to enjoy it anyway. It sounds like you had some wonderful times. It hurts to lose the relationship, but it was the inevitable conclusion. All you can really do is cherish the memories and perhaps consider a more stable relationship in the future if that is what you want.

What do you think drew you to a relationship with a person that was unavailable?

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Stacy

I’m sorry to hear about the breakup. How are you feeling? How are you coping with it?

So it seems like there were a lot of issues that were going on. His mental health issues and porn addiction. You both experience financial hardship and live with family. You are 2 hours away from each other and only got to see each other mostly 2-4 days a month, occasionally 6 days a month and he never put in the effort to communicate from a distance. And you experienced anxiety about the relationship. No wonder.

One issue is that you have been treat so poorly in the past that you thought this relationship was healthy. I’ve been there too…

His actions never matched his words. He agreed that he should communicate more but never tried to. He said that you being vanilla was okay and that he was over his previous exploits, but he tried repeatedly to get you involved in things that you were uncomfortable with and he clearly wasn’t over. He agreed not to like sexy pictures on social media and then did it anyway. Lying to you about the attractive trans person he was spending time with. He talked about a future throughout the relationship, then tried to gaslight you at the end saying it was you that didn’t want a future with him while HE was ending things with you.

It honestly doesn’t sound like he’s in a place where he’s capable of having a healthy relationship. It sounds like he was telling you what you wanted to hear, keeping you around until you both got fed up. Because his lying would always result in you being upset and he was unwilling to change his actions.

One mistake you made was the stalking of his social media. But at the same time, I think you were using this to try and understand if your concerns were valid, which they were. But in a healthy relationship you don’t have to get to this point. Because the way someone treats you matches their words, so you don’t suffer from that anxiety. That anxiety you felt throughout the relationship was a warning sign that this relationship is unhealthy.

You honestly deserve better! So much better!

Wishing you all the best! 🙏