Hi Butterfly

Another thought I had is that when living with someone new there is an adjustment period. When I started living with my partner everything annoyed me because he does things in his own way and I had to get used to sharing my space. After 6 months I started to enjoy living with him. Hopefully, things will get easier?

If you are still having these problems with noise cancelling headphones they are probably not good enough quality. My husband has really expensive ones, $800 and I can honestly say that he hears nothing with them on. I’ve had to tap him on the shoulder before. 😂 The $300 ones are not as good for the noise cancelling. It really is a case of you get what you pay for.

It is up to you whether you would like to build a room. To me that seems like an extreme solution. You would have to deal with people in the office. So making an effort to co-exist whilst also setting boundaries would make more sense to me but I am not you and it is your life.

Sure relationships are hard work. There is good and bad. But fighting so much at the beginning of a relationship is a concern. This is usually the honeymoon phase. Then again it sounds like a lot of pressure has been placed on you both in a very short amount of time. Living with someone you don’t know very well, who is completely different to you. Buying a house, changing jobs. It’s not a surprise that you’re feeling overwhelmed right now.

Perhaps the reason that you both fought during your holiday is because changing jobs is stressful? Especially after buying a new house. Increases in stress breed arguments. It can be helpful to be aware of high levels and try to manage stress as best as you can.

It sounds like your partner really likes you and enjoys spending time with you. While you are pushing him away.

It is hard living with someone messier than you who is so different. And frustrating. But you can choose how you want to respond to that. You can either be mad about the situation or choose to accept it. The alternative is breaking up.

Perhaps give yourselves some time to actually settle down and relax?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi YoungMufasa

Sometimes these things can be cultural. I’m not sure about what your culture is like.

In my culture, some people still look for a steady girlfriend and eventually marriage, but a lot of people look for hookups or short term flings especially when they are young. They’ve been doing that for the past decade at least in my culture. There is a lot of unique other stuff with dating in my culture. Friends with benefits. Polyamory. I think as people get older they start to want to settle down with a partner.

Looking for true love is a nice idea but it’s unlikely to happen immediately. It sounds like you’re just being honest as opposed to romanticising the idea of dating. I think it’s good that you’re open to the right person coming along and surprising you and being willing to give that a try if it happens. Sure people want true love, it is hard to find though. My understanding of true love in relationships is mutually treating each other with respect.

Part of dating is also about understanding what you’re looking for in a partner. It’s a whole process. You will learn more about which types of people you are compatible with.

That is honestly fair if you are at the oral stage. I’m sure that will come in handy. 😂

Later on, it is very easy to get someone pregnant and if you aren’t in a steady relationship you can’t rely on the woman taking birth control. Even in a steady relationship, I’ve heard of women stopping their birth control secretly and trying to get pregnant. So I would make sure that someone is 100% on the same page as you when it comes to not being ready to have kids yet. This is why condoms provide a level of security. Pulling out isn’t very effective as a strategy. If people use that as a strategy for 1 year, 22 out of 100 people end up pregnant in that year.

That is honestly fair! You would be surprised, it is not always obvious. Some people do only have sex and date short term people outside of their ethnicity. I don’t think short term dating is a bad thing as long as you would be willing to consider someone from that ethnicity as a long term partner one day. You are still young and not yet ready to settle down so it is understandable.

Good luck on the dating apps! Oh consent is a big thing these days. So enthusiastic consent is someone being super eager to ya know. 😉

The thing to watch out for is drinking because people can act out of character when they drink. So if someone is drunk even if they’re enthusiastic be a gentleman and wait until they are sober. This avoids people having regrets.

You have a good head on your shoulders and a kind heart. I hope you enjoy dating!

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Butterfly

I feel like this conversation between you both has gone to extremes to prove a point.

Have you got noise cancelling headphones? Invest in a really good pair. You can’t hear anything.

My husband works from home and we have a baby. He cannot hear a thing when he uses them.

A good workaround if you are busy working would be if your partner texts you or leaves a voice message on your phone so you can get to it when you are free.

Perhaps the reason he is so intent on escalating this disagreement is because there is no compromise. His intention is coming from a nice place. He’s not trying to use you he’s just an impulsive person that’s part of his ADHD and who he is. Your intention is coming from good place in that you need to take care of yourself and work well.

It was if you don’t leave me alone I will shut myself away from you and not communicate! Just as over the top as him bursting into a room.

He values communication as you value peace during work. Try to respect each other’s values.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

I wouldn’t worry about pornography harming relationships, many young people watch pornography even women these days. It is a reality that many people expect. Discussing views on pornography is part of the dating experience.

There is a potential additional reason. She may have experienced sexual trauma in the past. A lot of people who have been sexually abused choose not to have sex because the experience is too upsetting for them.

Hi John

Well, I think that you have been in a unique situation. She didn’t express a desire to be exclusive, in fact quite the opposite for a long time. She didn’t put the time and effort in to maintain the level of contact that is required for a long distance relationship.

All of that made you feel insecure as you both constantly disregarded your needs in the relationship. Your mental health suffered and you started acting out by accusing her of cheating.

She now feels ready to commit to you apparently and rightly so it sounds like you have some doubts because this is a 360 change from how she’s been communicating difficulties in the relationship. I’d argue that your feelings haven’t disappeared out of nowhere, the relationship has systematically been damaged. Have you asked her why her feelings have changed from being disinterest in the relationship to being in love?

It sounds like she is concerned of the effect of the long distance relationship on you. Quite rightly so. If the situation wasn’t long distance it could have worked. But it doesn’t seem like either of you are suited to long distance relationships.

Something that can save you time in the future is, if someone says that they don’t want to do something, listen to them and don’t try anyway.

Let me ask you, has the communication situation changed? Is she now putting in more effort or is she still not putting in effort?

Part of the problem is that when you suffer and your needs aren’t being met you are refusing to end a relationship that isn’t working out for you. Why do you think that is?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Lulu

I believe that you are considering things! You are a very intelligent and thoughtful person.

You are not wrong for wanting to lose weight, you’re not at your goal yet and it is a healthy goal.

People are just getting more concerned for you as you further restrict your eating because it can affect health. Some people however, can be jealous of weight loss when they have difficulties with their own weight.

I mentioned an extreme situation long term situation beforehand, but there are more immediate effects of severe fasting regimes.

Constipation, which prevents toxins from leaving the body and damages your digestive and nervous system. Hair loss. Fainting. Nutritional deficiencies. Infertility issues. Fatigue and anxiety to name a few.

1600 calories a day minimum are needed for a 16 year old girl to stay out of starvation mode. Even this is not recommended long term. 1800 calories per day is considered healthier.

Sorry for misunderstanding. So the 1 meal a day fasting was working initially, then stopped working as your body entered starvation mode and then you tried to improve your weight loss by eating even less.

The bottom line is if you are not losing weight when you’re eating a minimum of 1600 calories you are not active enough. In that case, it is hard to lose weight without increasing activity levels.

It is good to hear that you are interested in exercising more to give yourself some leeway with eating. Running for 1 hour a day burns 700 calories. It basically burns a large meal worth of calories. That’s why it was my favourite as the hungry beaver that I am. 😂

Protein helped me a lot to manage hunger and build muscle. Another thing that helped me was to go pescatarian which is like vegetarian but you still eat fish. By restricting the kinds of food I was eating it helped me to not wildly eat what I wanted. Not saying that you should do the same. Just that we all have our unique ways and preferences. You just need to find the stuff that works best for you.

I don’t think that you want to hurt yourself Lulu, but if this isn’t really about health it is important to consider what this is really about.

Honestly, weight fluctuating is a normal part of life and happens for many reasons. You have the key component for managing your weight. Willpower! You will never lose that, it is a part of who you are. I mean, what you have achieved is impressive. You could not do that if you were lacking in will power. But you can learn to apply your willpower in healthier ways.

Some fasting regimes are considered healthy such as intermittent fasting. But you would still need to hit the minimum calorie requirement in the period where you allow yourself to eat. There is a lot of good advice online.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏