Hi Clara

It is good to hear that your uncle seeing you was an accident. An entirely different situation, but still embarrassing and stressful. Especially when you desperately craved privacy. Perhaps you felt like something like that could happen at any time?

I think as much as you have been hurt by what has happened, so has she. That is why she requested the space. She is hurting. You mentioned that she could barely look at you when you last saw each other.

You mentioned that you overreact sometimes. Perhaps she doesn’t want you to overreact to the situation and her pain. You cannot help how you feel, just as much as she cannot help how she feels. The situation spiralled out of control between you two with an overwhelming level of negativity.

It is hard to comfort someone when you are hurt by them. And there might be a lack of trust that things will be positive. She is taking the time to take care of herself and think things through like she said. It is hard for some people to go from 0 to 100. Things not being good to being affectionate.

I think that because your partner has been taking the time to decide what she wants. It means that she cares. She doesn’t want to make a mistake or hurt you. The whole process has been very stressful on you. But she would have kicked bricks and left immediately if she was sure about how she felt. Perhaps she also feels swayed by what you want because she cares. It might be hard for her to figure out what she wants with you wanting reassurance.

Of course, these are just guesses. Perhaps she is also just busy?

It seems to me like you struggle to understand how your partner feels sometimes. Potentially, because you are focused on your own things. Partially, it seems like she withholds some. Then there is the pain on top of that.

It is difficult when both of your needs conflict. She needs to have space and you need reassurance. She has tried her best. As best as she can while respecting her own needs.

Learning to reassure yourself can be beneficial. I would imagine it is difficult in this case to imagine how she feels because of your own fears and also the idea might be painful because of the painful situation between you.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Clara

I’m glad that you got to talk to your partner, the conversation went well and it settled your mind.

You did very well handling things! I bet your partner noticed and appreciated that too.

I am sorry to hear that you had no privacy growing up and that your uncle was sexually abusive towards you. That is technically what happened, from your description of the event. Peeping is considered a form of sexual abuse. Did you ever tell your parents? I imagine it was difficult to be around your uncle after that?

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Tommy

I’m not sure. I am not an expert in meditation. I have just done a couple of small things. After no thoughts, there is no self. That is all I know.

Beth Upton is a great source of knowledge on these things. She has some videos on YouTube.

I just read a little about the Bodhisttava of Compassion, so I can guess about the goal of the meditation. He/She is to become a Buddha once they have resolved the suffering of every being on earth and allowed them to escape their own cycle of rebirth. To do that, everyone else must become a buddha first. Perhaps this meditation described is part of the process?

You are right. I read that a monk once thought the goal was calmness and no thought and devoted his practice to that. One day he became so calm that he had no thought and found that he could no longer take care of himself, or feed himself and fell into a coma.

I enjoy the stories of kings abdicating their throne to train under a Master. Seeking out and being okay with suffering. Toiling away as their servant.

It sounds like you work hard for your family. You have earned your rest Tommy.

Gosh I am falling asleep.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Franco

I think that your plan sounds like a good one! I have learned that everyone has their own unique ways for their own reasons that work for them. I wish you good luck carrying it out. 😊

I wondered why the rejection hurt so much back then. Was it cruel? Or did you have strong feelings for the person? Were the insecurities still about lack of experience back then or something else?

It sounds like you are making good progress overcoming your insecurities getting to this point! No longer a naive young man. 😊

If someone thinks badly about you, they are not compatible with you. Everyone is not compatible and that is okay. The right people will accept you. ❤️

Some people love peaches, others can’t stand them. You can’t make someone who doesn’t like peaches love a peach.

When someone rejects you it is secretly a gift because they are preventing you from wasting time and energy on them. Time and energy that can be better spent on other people.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Caroline

I’m sorry to hear that you had your lowest point a couple of years ago and you are feeling similarly today. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling angry and hitting yourself. Would you like to talk about what is making you feel this way? No one should be alone when feeling this way. I don’t believe that you deserve to be hit either.

Do you have any things that relax you or distract you? I quite enjoy tv shows because they have a story I can follow and I don’t have to engage my mind. When I need to calm down something with chill vibes and is perhaps funny, something isn’t stressful is a good idea to watch. Music can be helpful too, calming music and a nice candle. Whatever helps to bring you a small measure of comfort. Nothing is too silly. I often grab a teddy. 😊

I was once told that to break habits of self-harm self-love should be used. The idea is to get a lovely strong scented lotion and when you feel the urge to hit yourself use the lotion instead. It seems silly but it does feel strangely empowering to do the opposite of whatever the dark corners of the mind desire.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Clara

The advice that follows is for your current choice of requesting communication.

I know all of this hurts so much and you have been trying so hard to stay positive to stay strong and get through it.

Right now you need to compose yourself before sending any messages.

If she is okay with talking that might be helpful. Don’t panic. Ideas born of panic are not good. Try asking without an ultimatum. Ultimatums damage relationships. Try being vulnerable, as uncomfortable as it is people respond to vulnerability. Being defensive only causes a further rift between you and your partner.

A suggestion for if she says yes to contact. Focus on positive communication – this means nothing negative about the relationship. She asked for space and time to heal from the negativity. I think that you also need that too.

If she says no. Then you can decide what you want to do moving forward. Be respectful about it.

Being scared about what is going to happen next has only caused negativity and further damaged the relationship. Rumination does not protect you or make things easier, it causes pain and increases anxiety. Rumination is the enemy.

For all of your concerns and everything that has been said your partner hasn’t ended the relationship. When you are afraid, focus on that. Reflect on your memories of your long relationship together. Practice reassuring yourself.

And to balance it out, reassure yourself that you will be okay and cope no matter what happens. Breathe! You got this.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏