Hi Seaturtle

I’m glad that you feel validated and my message brought you peace. I can honestly see all of the hard work you have been doing even since you started writing here. That’s impressive to put so much work in, over a relatively short period.

Thank you for your kind message. I have a lot of respect for you too! I know that sometimes the things I suggest can be challenging. I find that challenges can lead to personal growth. It isn’t always easy though. I don’t ever wish to hurt you.

Something that I will have to be mindful of is taking my time and not just shooting off a quick message with things like that. It’s difficult to balance when I’m busy sometimes.

I cannot reiterate enough that if your feelings are ever hurt. I would like for you to tell me, so I can apologise.

Well done on spotting that same money issue pattern in others and figuring out the best way to handle it for you!

It is unfortunate when people stress over things and don’t share it, keeping it hidden. You aren’t a mind reader though. It’s not your fault. You’re a very reasonable person and would choose to help with any difficulties.

I have actually noticed that you handle conflict well.

I’m glad to hear that you are trusting yourself! That is really incredible that you managed to move past that behaviour. Congratulations! That is no easy feat.

It’s a shame that he had that view of emotion = weakness. It is very hard to grow and live like that.

I think you’re a very strong person to have been through what you have. I agree that trauma can lead to compassion for other people’s difficulties.

I would like to share something that I have learned recently during arguments with my partner. If that is okay?

He felt like he wasn’t being listened to and that he wasn’t being heard. He repeated this throughout our relationship but no matter how I listened that feeling never went away. Recently, he started opening up more and explaining what he actually needed me to do.

I have difficulty with treating people with empathy during a conflict if I feel like I am being treat poorly. I get defensive when I feel like I’m being “attacked” for lack of better words.

He asked for me not to shut down and to try and stay present and engage with empathy even when he makes mistakes in communication during conflict. He asked for me to acknowledge when he had done things right at other times, when I give feedback about what is going wrong. He also asked for me to validate his feelings. To acknowledge his feelings are valid even when they aren’t my fault. I’ve been working hard to try to integrate these changes and it has been helping. I’m going to give an example of this new style of communication I’ve developed during a disagreement.

“I can understand why you feel like you aren’t being heard or listened to during disagreements. I’m sorry for making you feel that way, it was not my intent. I never want to make you feel that way. I think that you feel like this when we disagree and have different perspectives. It hurts me when you yell during arguments which is something that happens when you feel like you’re not being heard. You worked really hard to manage this and when it wasn’t happening during every disagreement it felt like it wasn’t on purpose. I’m not asking for perfection. You are a loud person and passionate person when communicating in general, but if you could work on managing it so it could be like that again that would be really helpful.”

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Hi Seaturtle

I’m sorry to hear that you were made to feel imperfect as a child from all sides. The beauty of being a child is being imperfectly perfect. Making mistakes is a huge part of growing up. Raising my son, he does things that are stressful sometimes. His crying was stressful early on, he wakes through the night and he is a messy eater. But it is all part of being a baby. It’s not the child’s fault the parent experiences stress when the child does something natural for a child (like making a mess). It is a parent’s job to learn to manage the situation and their own emotions properly instead of blaming the child.

It sounds like your father tried to control you to a horrific degree. The more details you share, the more grim the picture. Made to exercise the way he wanted, made to do what he wanted and made to think and feel what he wanted. No wonder you were feeling hypervigilant cleaning up after the party.

An image of a young Seaturtle comes to mind. Worrying about crumbs. Hypervigilant and fearing her father’s punishment. You didn’t deserve any of it. You deserved to feel safe, happy and loved in your own home. Such difficult circumstances that you had to grow up in.

This type of thing with the letter… I have some baggage here, so I don’t know if my thoughts are correct. I welcome Anita or Roberta to give their input on this if they have any?

My instincts are pessimistic and say that your instincts are correct about the gaslighting. It reminds me of my mother who likes to play a role on special occasions. But outside of special occasions, doesn’t act in that way. Has your father ever behaved like that at all before?

Then another small part of my mind is playing devil’s advocate. Well relationships can improve after children move out. Perhaps he is trying to change?

Well done on handling your roommate and her temper when it comes to money. People who lash out about money tend to have very individual and unique beliefs about it. In my experience, the only way to not trigger them is to follow their rules. But, it may not suit you to do so. The only other way would be to get a new roommate or get used to the situation.

It is difficult with your friend who has ADHD and Depression. I think that your feelings about it being difficult to spend time with someone who is gloomy and won’t stop talking about that type of thing is honestly fair.

But at the same time this is how someone with ADHD and Depression acts. Expecting her to be able to control her behaviour and act differently. It’s extremely unlikely from my point of view.

I don’t know if you knew she had ADHD before this conversation or if you know much about ADHD as a condition?

I don’t think that you were being mean or unfair. Just perhaps that you were overly hopeful of her ability to change and not aware of the impact of her conditions. It is an honest thing to happen.

The conversation is a trigger for her though. People with ADHD regularly encounter people complaints about things like talking too much, which is as she said is a part of her condition. The negativity is a result of the depression though. The depression may make it more difficult than usual to manage the ADHD as well.

I think a difficulty for you may be that as you have said you try really hard to work on yourself. It isn’t easy the work you are doing but you are doing amazingly and should be proud of yourself. Understandably, you feel like she should try to and see her as an equal in this way.

But sometimes being an equal doesn’t mean treating someone in the same way as you. We are all unique individuals.

I also think that her being triggered and her comments about her feelings could be hurtful to you? Do you feel hurt by her?

All around it is a difficult situation for you because you have to figure out how you want to manage this friendship.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Oh also how are you doing? Sorry my thoughts are scattered today. 😊

Hi Brian

Lovely to see you again!

I think there’s a great deal of variety in spiritual paths. Different religions and different practices, different beliefs. It very much depends on the individual.

Do you feel like you’re on a spiritual path? If so, what does that look like to you?

For me, I was raised Christian. My husband is Buddhist and he’s very into his Buddhist/Daoist practices. I do some Buddhist and Daoist practices too. Sometimes I go to Church and pray. I have vaguely Christian beliefs but there are differences. I don’t see different religions as having different Gods and instead believe in a generic higher power. I don’t believe in discrimination against gay people or other people’s religions.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️

Sorry, just read in your reply to Anita that you were planning on helping her to move out but letting the daughter stay.

You don’t have any legal responsibilities for the daughter and she is a minor. If the mother or father decides to take her there is nothing you can do to stop it. If you try you could potentially have legal action taken against you.

Just letting you know.

Hi Nate

I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have anyone to rely on in your life.

You are still young. My husband didn’t lose his virginity until he was 26. He still ended up being an awesome person with a wife and a son. What is the urgency? Your life is just beginning.

Perhaps part of the issue is that you are too hard on yourself and have a sense of urgency about this?

Dating is like a lottery and a numbers game. People are looking for something and not everyone is compatible. It can take time to find a suitable partner. Only 12 people weren’t suitable is a better way to reframe it. There are many, many more women out there.

What method were you using to try and find a date? If it’s online statistically the odds aren’t good. Tinder has a 2.8% success rate of finding a match for men. Whereas women have a 35% match rate. Statistically, the average is that 2 in 100 women would match with you. If you are getting more matches than that you are actually rather successful. These women are likely to match with other people at the same time and often end up considering multiple men at the same time. Ghosting is a pretty common dating experience these days. I’m sorry that it hurts though. In short, dating sucks.

Wishing you all the best! ❤️🙏