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HelcatParticipant
Hi Anita
I’m very aware of the past being present with the difficulties with my husband. I’ve been having flashbacks to when I was a child because of the arguments.
I think that the change in my husband did happen during the pregnancy. But it was not just the stress. He struggled with the idea of being a father for a while. He worried that he would be like his father. He opened up a lot then and worked on his fears during the pregnancy. He is an excellent father, as I knew he would be. I think that it was a big change for him and he found himself caring for our son more than he could have ever imagined. I think the idea of being a father made him feel vulnerable in a way that he had never felt before.
He has been through a lot in his life, lost a lot of people and his family impressed upon him a lot of unhealthy messages. Everyone will leave him, the people you care about most will betray you. You should leave people before they leave you. These kinds of things.
I think having a son, especially internationally and the idea of things not working out is very scary to him. I had a friend who was in this situation and they sent the child backwards and forwards between countries for half a year at a time.
I think the change in relationship and communication dynamics with a child has been hard for him. Taking breaks during disagreements to calm things down was something that he didn’t want but I forced it to happen because of our son. A lot of the changes in communication I have forced to happen for our son. It has taken him a while to get on board with this. I think he feels quite badly about this.
As things got worse, I lost my patience with him and started walking away from him whenever he started acting out.
He has expressed feeling a loss of control in the relationship and feeling like he is being controlled and treat like a child.
I told him that I don’t want to do this, but we have a son and until he is ready to take responsibility for his own behaviour I will do that for him.
I’m going to have to finish writing the rest of my reply to you tomorrow. I’m falling asleep.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I’m glad to hear that you got some sleep, but it is a shame that it was not as much as you needed. Is there anything on your mind that you would like to talk about?
I thought your point about people communicating in a way that reflects worthiness and lovability being essential was very insightful.
I do agree. Some things try and discredit the impact of others on our happiness and suggest that we need to take responsibility for our own happiness. Whilst needing to take responsibility of our own self-care is a good idea and very healthy, it doesn’t change the fact that close relationships (romantic or not) impact happiness very strongly.
It is difficult because we are trying to work on things. I can’t try to work on things whilst grieving. I have to let go of fear of the future and anger of how things got to this point.
You are right though about trust in his love. It is going to take time for things to work out, one way or the other.
I think that love is a choice especially when things are hard. It has to be chosen over and over again.
Don’t worry. Now that the vet visits have calmed down I am back to the baby classes. We do visit friends and my sister. So I do talk to some adults.
We just got some bad news. One of our friends is in hospital. Our thoughts and prayers are with him and his family.
Thank you so much for your kindness and support. Your acrostic is very touching! I hope you don’t mind, I made one for you too.
Altruistic
Nurturing
Insightful
Thoughtful
Authentic
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantAlso, I feel like I have been worrying a lot about losing my husband. What will happen if things don’t work out. That has been painful too. I have made some peace with that he is his own person. We just borrow each other. I appreciate everything that he has done for me, but if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore that is his choice and I wish him the best.
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you always for your boundless compassion and understanding! I’m glad that you had a good time socialising. I’m sorry to hear about your continued sleep difficulties. I think that you really truly deserve peaceful rest. All you do is try your best to help others. I’m sorry that sleep isn’t working out for you. ❤️
You are right, a low stress environment is really important for me to manage my health. I did a lot of work before to build up my tolerance to stress and to remove unnecessary stress from my life. The baby dysregulated my nervous system, particularly to do with the hormones (cortisol levels get progressively higher throughout pregnancy) and partially due to stressful circumstances. I haven’t recovered from that yet. I’m not able to cope with stress at the moment. Because of the baby, I’m not really able to do much self-care either. Just busy looking after him really.
I do agree that blame is harmful. It is difficult because sometimes communicating problems and feedback is needed. Upon reflecting, I think that communicating these things with love is important.
I have been thinking and learning about things. I think why this has all hurt so much has been because I have struggled with self-love. My husband was the person who taught me to love myself. I know it is maladaptive, but I based this around his feelings for me.
It is a childish logic, but for someone who hadn’t experienced much love in life because I always lacked it, I felt unworthy of it. I blamed myself as the cause instead of seeing that some people are unable. When he loved me, he saw me as worthy. I felt like I was good enough for the first time because he told me I was.
Having these relationship difficulties, feeling the loss of love. It makes me feel unworthy and unlovable. Logically, I know that this isn’t true. But logic doesn’t dictate emotions sometimes. It takes a while for them to catch up.
On top of the relationship difficulties, my whole life has changed as a result of having a baby. A coping method I used to reassure myself was proving my worthiness to myself. I worked hard and tried my best to help people etc. Now my life is mostly just helping my family.
For a long time, I suffered with disliking myself for the difficulties I experienced in life. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I worked hard to change myself into someone that I could be proud of.
I am still that same person. I just can’t prove it to myself anymore. I think I need to work on loving and accepting myself as I am.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Dave
I’m sorry to hear about the break up. Perhaps the depth of the relationship at 4 months led to the break up? Sometimes these things moving so quickly means that a decision needs to be made because if a decision isn’t made it means that you are leading the other person on. For whatever reason, she was not ready to continue the relationship. Perhaps she was trying to be kind by letting you down now, as opposed to later. Perhaps she was being honest in that it was nothing that you did. Perhaps she was just acting on her own feelings?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
That is a very uplifting message! Thank you for sharing it with me. ❤️ It’s very thoughtful. You are an angel. 😇
I think that for me, the first couple of months were not that bad. I was mostly very tired and had to be careful not to do too much because I would get abdominal cramps. Also, I was very lucky in that I didn’t get any morning sickness.
Pregnancy hormones have lots of natural painkillers and muscle relaxants. I had to come off my medication before I got pregnant due to some nasty side effects, so I had already adjusted somewhat to not being on the medication. It was very hard not being able to do acupuncture because of being pregnant. But the TCM doctor was able to give me some herbal medicine that is okay for pregnant people to help during the flare ups. I took as little as possible.
As the baby grew, that’s when things got worse. I had pelvic pain even before the baby, so the last trimester was agony. I could barely walk and the last month I couldn’t.
Thank you for your continued support and understanding!
My thoughts are that none of us choose how we feel. It sounds like my husband has been struggling with his own issues too. For a while, I blamed him for blaming me. That isn’t very helpful either.
There is something else that is important to know about him. He has a very good memory. Something that he struggles with is that he doesn’t forget arguments. I am lucky in that my memory is fairly poor. I remember fragments for a time then forget. And I vaguely remember an overarching theme for important stuff.
I think that must be hard for him.
I can honestly understand that. The world can be hostile at times and challenging. The idea of adopting has always been nice to me too. It sounds like you had a good understanding of what being pregnant would be like and made decisions that were right for you. ❤️
I am wondering how you are doing? Are you sleeping any better?
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Day 3 of no arguments. I have some good news regarding our dog. His blood test results came back. His kidneys are okay and he still has one elevated liver result, but it is still going down and is much better than before. He doesn’t need anymore tests unless he seems unwell.
Thank you for your kind wishes!
I’m just trying to express, process and let the feelings pass.
I can understand my husband’s side of things. He just wanted to hear his mom’s voice before his son was born. But I had flashbacks to him leaving the operating theatre to answer his mother’s call for weeks.
He just wanted me to be calm, so he could enjoy spending time with his family. But I couldn’t cope staying with his family because of my own family trauma and I was anxious that my husband had started talking to his mother about our arguments. Despite warning him that I would have difficulty coping and might need to leave, but I would try my best. He was still hurt when my PTSD flared up and I wanted to stay somewhere else.
Having a wife with PTSD is hard. Sometimes he wishes that I was normal. I definitely wish that I was normal.
It just hurts that he blamed me.
Having a new baby while breastfeeding requires constant care. For the first 6 months, he was waking up through the night for feeding. Initially, he needed to be fed every 2-4 hours. He couldn’t use bottles for months because he had thrush and there were medication shortages. For three months, he cried for 3-4 hours every evening. With cheaper nappies, he had to be changed up to 10 times a day at his peak. It is providing 24/7 care after a major surgery and significant blood loss for the following 3 months. And with the fibromyalgia, holding him hurts.
It was like torture. I had a breakdown. My bio mom hit me or ignored me when I cried. And I had intrusive thoughts when my son cried that scared me as a result of that trauma.
Thankfully, things are a lot easier now. He doesn’t need to be carried as much because he can crawl. He sleeps better and doesn’t need fed at night. He doesn’t cry before bed anymore and I recovered from the surgery. He is a lovely, sweet boy intent on walking and talking. I’m teaching him things like dancing and how to use crayons at the moment. I just have to watch him like a hawk and try to stop him from killing himself. Mostly, everything is babyproofed. But I have to make sure that he doesn’t chew on any power cables.
I don’t know how you feel about not having children. You don’t need to share if you don’t want to. I know that these things are complicated and it can be painful for people.
That is pretty amazing!
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your support as always Anita! I learned some more about my husband’s perspective today. He tends to be a bit fatalistic when things are in a rough patch. Whereas I tend to be more optimistic that we will get through things and work it out and understand that people have a tendency to argue when things are stressful.
With the baby I did just take it for granted that he would be there when I had everything figured out with the baby and was ready to work on the relationship.
I feel angry that things have gotten like this. It’s something that I’m trying to work on at the moment. I have an unrealistic view of pregnancy and looking after a new baby. I think that this has something to do with it. I didn’t expect looking after a newborn to be so hard. I didn’t expect to have difficulties with my husband either. I know that is naive, but I didn’t. I didn’t really know much about having a baby when I was pregnant or when he was born. Realistically, though 90% of couples argue after having a baby. It was my expectations that were unrealistic.
It is a shame that the dentist that you liked wasn’t available. It is something special when you have a really nice one. I hope that the next one you have is nice too.
I’m sorry to hear that the numbing went wrong. That is really awful!
Thankfully, we have had a good couple of days with no arguing. We have talked a little about some difficult stuff, but not too much, softly and gently with each other.
Do you like numerology? Do the numbers have a meaning for you?
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your empathy. It means a lot to me, to be understood. I appreciate your ideas to help the relationship.
Yes, I also think that couples counselling is about my husband learning to emphasize with my perspective. This is something that he struggles with.
Yesterday, he finally acknowledged that he has been struggling with his own untreat PTSD which has been triggered because of the prolonged stress and argumemts.
It was nice to hear him finally say that it wasn’t my fault. I think that if I hadn’t tried my hardest to manage my behaviour during the arguments we would never make it. I have honestly been trying my best.
He isn’t a bad person and I know that things are hard but I hope that they will get easier again and ideally get to an even healthier place than they were. A place where we can healthily and happily raise a child.
I know that it’s not going to be easy, there are going to be mistakes. But ideally, less and less mistakes until things are okay.
I don’t think that the dental work is something to look forward to. Looking forward to it being over on the other hand 😂 I think you’ve done a really good job advocating for yourself and planning a strategy to help yourself be as comfortable as possible!
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantRegarding childhood. No one chooses who they are born to. For some, it is like “winning” an unlucky lottery and they are born to parents who are incapable of loving and raising children.
You have had to be your own parent and you did a fantastic job of raising yourself.
This situation was not your fault and any child would have suffered.
HelcatParticipantHi Jakub
I’m sorry to hear that you had a difficult childhood.
Congratulations on finishing law school, getting a job in a very prestigious law firm, and soon to be moving into your first house alone. You have achieved so much in your first decade of being an adult! It’s honestly amazing!
I’m sorry to hear that your job is challenging and stressful and you suffer from a feeling of doom.
There is a phenomenon that happens with people. The feelings that they experience as children their brain has a tendency to gravitate to.
I had to do work to disprove the feelings of doom to realise that I have a persistent anxiety as a result of the abuse I endured. Understanding that the feelings aren’t true, that it is just anxiety is much less painful than believing that you are doomed. I disproved these things by looking at my fears and comparing the outcomes.
Practicing self-care and learning to self-soothe is important for helping manage anxiety.
One of the things that helped me most, other than therapy is having a lot of good experiences. Try to meet lots of good people, have good memories. You deserve to be happy and have good experiences and have lovely people in your life.
Love and best wishes! 🙏❤️
HelcatParticipantI hope that you get some sleep! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I agree, that is a good idea. Thank you for helping me to understand our dynamic better!
He was able to discuss some of his feelings, some things don’t become an argument. I think the arguments happen when we disagree and also, if either of us have bottled up our feelings. If there is stress, or fatigue that tends to add to it as well. We don’t always disagree, so if there isn’t a disagreement it doesn’t turn into an argument. Recently, we are arguing about arguing. We are both stubborn, so that is a factor too. Poor communication, often turns things into an argument.
I think that we try not to bother each other and try to live with difficulties until it hurts. Trying to tough it out and see if things improve. When things go on for a long time and there is no improvement, that is when it becomes an argument. It is true, we should tell each other what we need before it gets to that point. I think because things have been so difficult, we try not to inconvenience each other and in doing so, inconvenience each other. But yes, it ceases to be a conversation about communicating a simple need and instead is a conversation about being hurt that a need isn’t being met.
Not taking breaks when we are hurt is what escalates things.
I agree, arguing has become very harmful.
I have always liked animals better than people. It’s true. Our son is easy because he is in that group of non-verbal, no stress.
I’m glad to hear that you found a different dentist! I hope that your experience is better next time around.
It is hard for me to start from the beginning at the moment. My PTSD is quite bad right now. My mind is a bit out of control. Sometimes . I have difficulty managing my thoughts, feelings and reactions.
A positive step is that my husband has started letting me take breaks when I need them. I think that I am not taking breaks soon enough yet because I still worry about his feelings and try to hang in there and communicate with him to make him feel better.
When I am in control of myself. I use the communication techniques recommended by our couples counsellor and things go better. My husband doesn’t try and use them without my guidance yet. This is something that I think needs to change.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for being gentle with me. Your questions are fair, you are just trying to better understand the situation.
My understanding of her is that she is known to have a bit of a temper.
My husband empathised with her feeling attacked because I reached out to her instead of letting him handle the situation. He was upset that I didn’t let him handle things, which I can understand. I’ve never done that before. I shouldn’t have.
He never used to say mean things before the baby.
It has been difficult for a while, not just because of the baby, post postpartum depression, lack of support and sleep deprivation. The baby was unplanned and it took him a while to adjust to the idea of being a father. At the same time as the pregnancy we had to deal with a lot of stressors. A visa, homelessness, moving to a new house, a pet dying. At the same time, I was having a breakdown.
For most of my life, I was afraid of having a baby because of trauma. During the pregnancy, I was afraid of breastfeeding, I was afraid of seeing infant nudity in a parental care role, I was afraid of labour, I was afraid of being a bad mother.
Because of his beliefs in Traditional Chinese Medicine, he took on this idea that he was not allowed to argue with me or it could affect the nature of the baby. He resented not discussing his feelings during the pregnancy.
Then after the pregnancy, the birth was quite traumatic. Which caused conflict and the arguments began. Then my IUD failed and that caused more arguments because he was afraid of having another baby. We argued about general stuff like sleep, childcare and housework responsibilities. I had difficulties with intrusive thoughts in my son’s early life that caused difficulties too. It took me a long time to recover from the birth too. My husband was upset because he felt left out of the decision making process with our son too.
They say that 90% of couples argue after a birth and 50% of relationships fail because of one. It has just been a lot of stress to deal with all around. If your partner has postpartum depression, you are more likely to get it too. I think that we both have it.
We are both just very fed up. Life has been hard for a while and the arguing makes things even harder. He misses his family a lot. Even more so, now he has a child. He wishes that they could help. He wishes that they could have more of a relationship with his son. He misses his friends.
I was inspired! ❤️
That is a good tip that thinking keeps you awake. I will have to try to calm my mind and go back to sleep too. I hope that this new discovery makes sleep a lot easier for you!
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thank you for your understanding! I hope that you have a good day. I look forward to talking more tomorrow.
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
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