Hi David

I feel like you’re worrying over a very small incident.

If my husband came up to me and said he was worried because he didn’t tell me about hugging someone while he was drunk 6 months ago I’d laugh. Not in a mean spirited way, just because it is a very minor thing.

Worst case would be if something worse happened while you were drinking in the future. But watch your drinking around women when your partner isn’t there would prevent any issues.

How are you feeling about the marriage this summer?

I love my husband very much, but when it came to getting married I still had doubts even though I knew it was what I wanted. It’s a very big decision, potentially life changing. That alone is enough to give anyone doubts.

Hi Karl

I agree with Roberta.

You entered into this poly relationship. Now do you expect her to not be poly? Because if you haven’t discussed this, it’s an unrealistic expectation.

Did she promise not to get romantically involved with her ex again?

The issue is that you aren’t communicating your actual wishes. Instead you are blaming other issues. It doesn’t come across very well if you’re not direct about addressing problems.

It sounds like you care about her. But a monogamous relationship might not be what she wants. You will have to ask her. If the relationship ends because she doesn’t want a monogamous relationship that is okay. At least you will have been honest and things can end in a healthier, kinder way.

There is always the chance she might be okay with a monogamous relationship. But you will have to control your anxiety and be direct communicating issues instead of expressing your anxiety indirectly in the future which isn’t very healthy. Again, you are going to have to clearly communicate with her about this. It will show that you are willing to work on anxiety and communication.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Tom

Our values are dependent on our beliefs. Everyone has different ones! Everyone has difficulties. Some have difficulties with time keeping. You’ve noted that you have difficulties with patience and compassion.

If you’ve repeatedly talked to someone about an issue and they haven’t resolved it, it might just be a matter of accepting who they are.

For my sister, if she says that she will be ready at a time. I know my sister. She’s got difficulties with time keeping. I figure that she will be an hour or two late. Expecting that she will be late and planning for that means that I don’t have to wait around for her.

Are there any specific thoughts or feelings that come up when people don’t meet your principles? Sometimes people can feel that others don’t value their time for example if they’re consistently late.

Self-soothing is an important skill when other people upset us because honestly, we all have to deal with inconveniences at times caused by others.

Hi everyone

I guess my perspective on hope is different. Yes, absolutely hope can have a dark side. For lack of better phrase.

It’s still a powerful motivator and an agent of change. It’s very difficult to change something without imagining it, unless chance intervenes.

That being said, if the focus is always on a new drive, there is never going to be acceptance.

I think understanding is an important element of hope. If you hope without understanding it can result in negative outcomes. Like expecting to get a job after one application. It’s unlikely to happen unless you’re extremely lucky. But if you understand it will take multiple applications, tailoring a cv, relevant experience, networking, good references and interview practice. Then the outcome is very likely to be positive in time and less stressful because expectations were reasonable.

Of course, understanding and knowledge can be acquired retroactively. If failures happen, there is often a chance to try again.

I’ve found that patience is essential. If pressure is for change to happen now, of course it can result in pain.

I found that physical pain taught me maturity and to appreciate my life in ways that I didn’t when I was younger. Ultimately, to me function is more important than pain. Pain is never pleasant and it has it’s challenges. It certainly takes time to adjust to these challenges.

Tee I hope that you find your own unique way through these challenges. You’re an awesome lady and I’m rooting for you!

I can share that of all of the functioning people in their mid 70s I know with the best health. They focused hard on leading fit lifestyles and maintaining their mobility / function.

Another important thing to know is that it takes two weeks of lack of use for muscles to atrophy. In my experience it is difficult and can take a long time to regain what is lost.

Wishing ya’ll all the best! 🙏

This thread is a fascinating read.

Hi Saggad!

I’m glad that you found all of our messages helpful and know what you need to do now.

Ah right, so you were angry at yourself for not being able to forgive. I hope that you aren’t now? Feeling that you wanted to forgive but can’t quite get there just speaks to your character. Perhaps forgiveness will occur naturally in time? You do have a beautiful heart! Wanting to forgive is perhaps more than she deserves right now. For now, perhaps simply wanting to forgive is enough? I do hope that your pain over this situation eases a little every day.

For people who have deeply wronged me after a long time and a lot of healing. I found that I can pray for them and hope that they learn from their mistakes and become better people and that they are guided on this journey. This is as much forgiveness as I can achieve.

P.S. Thanks for the warm welcome Brandy! Nice to be back 😊 It certainly made me chuckle when Tee and I wrote and posted similar replies at the exact same time.

Wishing ya’ll all the best! 🙏

Hi Saggad

We all make mistakes, especially when we’re young. I know I did. It hurts so much when you first learn that there are people like that in the world. Fortunately, there are good people in the world too. Having good experiences will help you learn to develop trust in others again.

A therapist taught me to identify unhealthy relationships. I understand that you haven’t found therapy helpful though.

Based on what you said, I think you already know how to identify difficulties. The question is why do you think you stayed in that relationship even though you knew it was unhealthy? Perhaps you need to trust your instincts when you notice problems?

There is a saying that helped me, “When someone shows you who they are listen.”

You have a very kind nature and bad people will use that against you to help themselves and in the process harm you.

Taking small steps when trusting people has been helpful for me. If they prove trustworthy, I can take another step and so on and so forth. If they prove untrustworthy, I step back.

My therapist always said that anger is a good thing. It let’s you know when your boundaries have been overstepped. Stealing someone’s house is unthinkable. You have every right to be angry. I can’t imagine how much pain that woman put you through.

These feelings will pass in time as you heal and process the trauma. It really is a severe trauma. It would actually be strange if you weren’t angry and hurt because of this situation. I know it’s painful, but it is an expected emotional response to such a devastating situation.

Please be patient with yourself and your emotions. Do your best to take care of yourself and your needs. Be extra kind to yourself while you hurt over this.

Hi Saggad

I’m sorry that you experienced that betrayal. Personally, I don’t believe in forgiving some things. This is one of those things that perhaps shouldn’t be forgiven. It might even be a good thing to fully express how terrible that situation was because you’ve been rather polite about it.

All you need to do is learn from it and move on. The truth is that you did make mistakes. A good therapist would tell you that you have been making some risky dating decisions by choosing relationships with older women and long distance.

You freely gave your legal rights to someone that you weren’t married to and you described that relationship as manipulative and abusive.

You are not the first person to lose their house after giving their rights away. You now understand exactly how important those rights are. Before you didn’t.

The person you need to forgive is yourself. You were young, kind and made some bad decisions.

All you need to do is make better choices for yourself and walk away from relationships that don’t make you happy.