Hi Eric

I don’t think that this behaviour was a mistake. I think you did your best to protect yourself.

You were dealing with enough anxiety as it was and made some request to prevent additional stressors.

Well done for protecting yourself!

That being said I’m glad that you’re getting to a point where you feel mentally prepared to share your relationship with people.

*I was called a liar

Hi Eric

Thank you for explaining about your previous experiences of house trauma growing up. It definitely sounds like these worries are a trigger from an old wound.

Children can be very cruel. I’m sorry they did that to you. To a child big house = money.

But in reality it sounds like your family chose to invest in their business as opposed to their home. This is actually very smart because I’m sure they did it because they knew they would make a lot more money, more quickly if they invested in their business as opposed to an expensive large home which is a large expenditure and might not make as much money immediately.

I also think that whilst on one hand there’s trauma, on the other there are social and cultural concerns that you are very aware of.

That is why your plan with the gifts sounds like a good idea to me.

On the plus side, I’m sure that her parents are very aware of your financial capabilities, especially since your company just built their house. I’m sure that they will make her aware of the situation.

You never know, your parents may be considering building a house sooner than you think. Since you are dating they may be considering your future. Being married one day and raising children of your own. It might be worth having a discussion about it.

Hi Frozenfireflies

Welcome! I’m sorry that you’re having difficulties communicating with your sister from a distance.

Is the goal to discuss your feelings or to encourage her to text more frequently or both?

If you want to put aside your feelings some encouragement might work.

I really enjoy hearing from you, reading your messages brings a smile to my face. Even though we live further away it makes me feel like we’re closer.

Obviously, you don’t have to send something exactly like this. It’s just a rough draft of what a very positive message looks like.

If you want to discuss feelings, it could put more pressure on her. But you would put it out there that perhaps the way you are being treat isn’t fair and that you would like to be closer.

I really enjoy talking to you, I miss my sister. I wish we could talk more. I know you’re really busy. But if you feel there is anything else holding you back, I’d like to hear how you feel.

Then there is a more direct approach.

I enjoy reading your messages, I wish we had a closer relationship. I feel like it’s been hard to maintain communication while living further away. I miss you a lot. It hurts not to be closer to you. I would like to focus on building a closer relationship if that is something you would like?

If you want things to change you’re probably going to have to change your response time too. Your long response time confirms that her behaviour is okay. So if you would like things to pick up, being the bigger person would be a good idea.

It’s going to be hard to directly confront her about delays in texting because you also do the same thing. The response could very well be that you do it too, so she thought it was okay.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Would you prefer something even more direct?

Hi Eric

It’s complicated. On the one hand our minds are trying their best to help us. On the other hand sometimes what comes as human instinct and might be helpful when having immediate danger doesn’t necessarily help us in the long term.

For example, when experiencing trauma as children. We can’t always fight back. Avoidance is basically the only strategy we have.

But as an adult we can carry that avoidance with us. Avoiding memories of past trauma. But we are adults now, we are better able to defend ourselves compared to a child. And we are not necessarily exposed to trauma as frequently as adults. Despite this, avoidance can be a habit that persists creating anxiety and limiting our choices and experiences in life.

The nature of anxiety and avoidance confirms that you when you do avoid you were correct to be afraid and every time you are exposed to the same situation in the future, it wants to avoid again and so anxiety builds. It simply becomes a habit that anything that feels threatening should be avoided.

There’s also another element. Children have a habit of blaming themselves. They’re basically sponges absorbing everything from the world around them. Even the smartest child doesn’t necessarily understand the world around them.

So a child who experiences trauma and is blamed by other people simply accepts that. If other people say this is my fault, it must be true. Even when it is the people hurting us that are the ones telling us these things.

Children who blame themselves become adults that blame themselves. It’s a habit. But the truth is trauma is not your fault. You are not to blame for other people treating you poorly in the past. You deserved a happy and peaceful life and still do. You deserve to be an adult who doesn’t blame yourself and doesn’t have to carry that pain.

I also read something online a few weeks ago that I found helpful.

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Read it. Then read it backwards once again your mind.

This is how we control our thoughts. How we guide them into where we want our attention to settle.

I thought, well if I can do it with reading which for me is thinking about the words I see. I can think about words I choose any time I want to.

So when anxious thoughts start popping up to myself. I think something silly and offbeat to myself. ELEPHANT. ELEPHANT. ELEPHANT.

The repetition reminded me of a System of a Down song where they sing “BANANA, BANANA, TERRICOTA, TERRICOTA PIE”. I use this one as well.

But yes. The point is, it’s the ability to distract yourself from the anxious thoughts. This might involve choosing to do an activity. Watching TV or exercise for example. I also find that if I’m busier, I have less time alone with my anxious thoughts because my mind is focused on tasks or activities.

Hi Anita

I’m sorry for disturbing you and I’m sorry that you feel hurt.

You have been making multiple comments that suggested that you were upset about comments being reported.

I just don’t believe in ignoring people. We frequent the same forum. I wanted to give you the opportunity to speak about it.

I’m going to point out that I haven’t even attempted to communicate with you until you started to make these comments about your feelings being hurt about reported comments.

You asked that I report your comments instead of discussing issues and said that was what you preferred. People are allowed to disagree with language used. Most of the time your language is fine. Other times I find it can be harsh and I am concerned for other members of the community.

I’m going to point out that I report other users comments when they use harsh language too. It is up to moderators to decide how they wish to handle any reported comments.

Again, I’d like to acknowledge that you have made generally made great improvements in how you communicate with members.

If you would like to discuss this further please feel free to reply or create your own topic.