Hi William

Give yourself some time to process. It’s natural to feel confused and disappointed given the circumstances.

Hi William

That’s interesting that you pointed out that she discussed having a second date. It sounds like she was enjoying herself and was on a similar track to you initially.

There’s always the possibility that her circumstances changed. Because you don’t know each other very well she may not wish to discuss it. There are many possible personal reasons why she may have changed her mind. I think that you can be confident that it was nothing to do with you.

It’s a shame that things didn’t work out especially since it’s rarer for you to meet someone that you genuinely enjoy spending time with.

Hi Eric

Go for it, if you’d like to share you don’t need my permission. I have no issues with you posting. The way I think of it is that you like to journal in public and I’m happy to communicate. I was very unwell for the past two weeks. That’s why my communication dropped here and there. It wasn’t because of anything you said or did.

On a side note: I wish you stood up for yourself more. Also, I respect your choice to stay with your partner despite the intense anxiety you have been experiencing. In a way, I think it is a good thing for you. I hope that your anxiety lowers in time as you get used to having a partner.

Wishing you all the best 🙏

Hi Dave

I think that’s an important point she doesn’t have the energy to make more of an effort.

You said she gives all of her energy to the children and she has nothing left afterwards.

Does your wife do most of the housework too?

You mentioned before your last child the relationship was recovering.

Perhaps there is a practical solution. She might need more help with the housework and child care. If not you, can other help be arranged?

Hi Peter

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it is always a pleasure to talk with you! I enjoy your unique perspective. Thank you for sharing the information about other religious practices and their beliefs on rebirth as well.

I think the example of the garden of Eden, Adam and Eve is a good way to conceptualise good and bad concurrently. As a result, we all gained free will. At the same time protection ceased. A choice for arguably a good thing, also results in pain.

You seem to have a good understanding of Buddhism already.

You’re right, Buddhism often contradicts itself. What I’ve experienced is a focus on dualism and non-dualism. Everything is and isn’t at the same time.

Disease of the mind is a concern. A lot of harms from the past, our memory revisits in the present. At the same time, the present and the future can be problematic too. Attachment in general is warned against but at the same time welcomed.

Ultimately, our actions in the present are all we have control over. The present serves as an anchor to train the mind how to function in a healthy way.

There’s also insight into the function of nothingness as the mind is afraid of not existing.

I’m curious if you have any questions, or if I managed to answer your question at all?

Hi Dave!

Welcome! It is brave of you to seek advice about your relationship. It tells me that you genuinely care. You were very honest about the difficulties in your relationship.

I hear your feelings about the one sided intimacy. Intimacy I feel is a very important part of a relationship.

I have a question. If you had a small chance to work on the relationship and repair it would you? Bearing in mind that it is a long challenging process. Is this something that your wife would be interested in?

I don’t think that things should stay the same, that would mean living an unhappy life. But what if there was a chance that you could find a way to work together and both be happy?

It was a mistake.

I understand he was drunk and trust that it lowered his inhibitions and he made the wrong decision to sleep with her.

I believe he is telling the truth and it did happen before we started talking and dating again.

I can trust that he is telling the truth.

You’ve done some great work reflecting on this situation. I hope you don’t mind I copied some of your quotes. I don’t know if this suggestion will be helpful at all. I would suggest writing these quotes down for you to read when you are feeling anxious. It’s something my therapist taught me and I’ve found it helpful myself. If you would prefer feel free to select your own quotes or add to it. I thought these realisations were particularly profound.

Hi Palegazesunnidays

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had so much trauma in your life. Have you ever seen a therapist about this?

I noticed at least one pattern in your dating life. When you experience difficulties you seek out a partner. You’ve done this on at least 2 occasions once after your divorce and now with A as you are dealing with a lot of stress at home. You said that it is difficult for you to say no to people when you are already struggling. This means that you might struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries and making good decisions in regards to dating at this time.

I’m curious what initially attracted you to individuals in your dating life and any reasons why you decided to break up.

For individuals with trauma, there is a unique situation which often occurs during dating. Essentially, it causes an attraction to individuals with characteristics that have the potential to cause further trauma. This might be something as simple as selecting a partner that is unable to meet your needs. This attraction is instinctive. It’s not a conscious decision, but it can be overcome with therapy.

It sounds like you grew up in a dysfunctional household with parents that both struggled. It sounds like you and your brother in some ways had to fend for yourselves. Is this an accurate assessment of the situation? It sounds like your brother gave up, but you found your own way to survive. I mean no disrespect to your parents, it is difficult to raise a family.