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Sorry for the delay, it’s been a stressful couple of days. My thoughts have been with you. Good luck with your surgery! Please take it easy and rest afterwards, I hope you feel better soon.
I love dogs too, they’re such beautiful souls that radiate joy. I feel like they’re more trustworthy than people.
It sounds like you’re a great mom. Congratulations on breaking the cycle.
I remember asking my therapist if the pain would every go away. She said it’s unlikely, but the pain gets smaller and easier to bear in time. Personally, I have found this to be true.
Thank you for sharing your feelings and requesting things that will aid our communication. I encourage you to tell me whenever something crops up that you would like me to change in the future and please clarify any assumptions or misunderstandings. It wasn’t my intention to elicit these feelings.
Would you mind clarifying why you feel uncomfortable with me saying “I’m very sorry for the way you were treat!”? Of course, I will no longer write anything of the sort in further communication.
Yes, I too feel angry sometimes when people make assumptions, because I feel like I’m being misunderstood. We are both different people, with different experiences.
You are correct Anita, that is my interpretation of love. I don’t mean to offend anyone, I’m just very rigid with boundaries. It can be very tempting to tolerate abuse for the belief that you are loved or there is the potential for it. So I choose to define abusive people as incapable of love.
Many people exhibit some type of abusive behaviour. If these behaviours are not severe, rather infrequent, overall the relationship is good, empathy is shown for others experiences and a willingness to change unhealthy behaviours when asked is displayed. I would suggest this is a loving (mostly) healthy relationship.
I encourage you to share your own definition of love if you would like to.
she was hitting me, with her hand across my face on and on, and she said to me, she praised me, saying the only thing I like about you is how you look down at the floor when I hit you. You don’t talk back to me, like other people’s children do.
In this quote your mother essentially stated that she didn’t like you. To me, this means that she didn’t love you either. It is a rather horrific thing to say to a child. It made me feel sad and angry for little Anita.
I can understand your feelings of guilt. I had feelings of guilt with my own mother. I occasionally unsuccessfully tried to fight against my mother’s abuse and fantasised about her death as a child.
These feelings of anger and a desire to hurt the person that abused you is understandable. Even if you had fought back, I wouldn’t believe that you were the guilty party. As you said, fight, flight and freeze are instinctual responses to danger and the purpose of this instinctual response is to protect yourself. I hope this clarifies why I used those words?
Do you honestly believe that she would have stopped being physically abusive if you had attempted to defend yourself as a small child? I have some doubts.Do you think your mother did or said anything to elicit those feelings of her being a hurt little girl that you should protect?
My own mother attempted to achieve a similar thing. As a small child she used me as a confidante. Telling me all of her fears and pain. Frequently, she explained away her abuse as she was “treating me the way her parents treat her” and saying that “she didn’t know better”.
It sounds like you had a lot of empathy for your mother, assumed responsibility for her care and potentially blamed yourself for her condition. Would you agree? If you don’t mind me asking what are your thoughts about this now as a mature adult?
I would say that I found sexual and physical abuse most painful and disregarded the impact of verbal abuse and neglect as a child.
It has been a pleasure communicating with you as always!
I’m very sorry that you were treat like that! Your mother’s behaviour was horrible. You were quite right to feel angry and a desire to protect yourself from her abuse.
I would very much appreciate sharing more about our experiences. If there is anything else you would like to share, please feel free.
Sadly, I don’t think it’s possible for a child to protect themselves from an abusive parent. The nature of this abuse means that the parent is seeking out to abuse someone who is vulnerable, under their control and unable to protect themselves.
These people are manipulative cowards, because they behave completely differently with people who aren’t vulnerable or under their control and are able to protect themselves. This proves that they are in control of their behaviour, otherwise they would behave this way with everyone. There is a level of predatory behaviour, as abusers identify victims based on how they respond to their boundaries being crossed.
Children typically rely on their parents for everything. Such as food, clothing, transportation, healthcare, comfort, entertainment, education, socialisation and boundaries. The nature of the relationship gives parents a tremendous amount of control.
Physically, children are too small to fight effectively until at least teenage years (depending on gender and weight). By this point, an abused child has been conditioned to act in a way that the abusive parent approves of.
For a time, I compartmentalised different kinds of abuse because I felt the pain from certain kinds were so overwhelming that I couldn’t cope with the additional pain of other types of abuse.
After much therapy and as an adult I see the devastating impact of verbal abuse. It shapes our minds. The behaviour you described and her words shaped so much of your life both internal and externally.
Why? Because she was in a bad mood and wanted to take it out on you because causing you pain and watching you submit made her feel powerful.
You were always a good girl Anita. You were never the problem, she was. Children are inherently innocent and deserving of love and protection. You didn’t deserve to be treat the way you were. You are a very good woman. Your kindness and compassion inspire.
Sorry if anything is too emotional. Please let me know if there is anything that you wouldn’t like me to say.
How does it happen that many women (and men) are stupid when it comes to love? My answer: because as children, when the people we love most, our parents, lie to us, we believe them because we love them, and unless we re-evaluate their lies, we proceed to build our lives based on their lies and contradictory messages, remaining confused, dysfunctional and… stupid. This has been the story of decades of my life, lots of stupidity and it started with the lies my mother told me, the contradictory messages that confused the wit out of me… leaving me… well, stupid.
Well said, a salient point Anita! I don’t think you were stupid though.
A quote I find apt. “Mother is God in the eyes of a child.”
In an abusive relationship, a child doesn’t dare question their mother. As teenagers and even adults, many of us who haven’t been taught how to protect ourselves by our families are naïve and still learning about the world and how to interact with the people in it.
My family taught me to accept abuse without protest. This normalised a lot of abusive behaviours, to the point where I had difficulty identifying poor behaviour as well as protecting myself from it. As you know, abuse victims have a tendency to gravitate towards people that perpetuate their cycle of abuse. It doesn’t help that various forms of abuse are prevalent throughout society either!
Sadly, these experiences are part of human nature. We can only hope to learn and grow as a result of our experiences.
Hi Kamila
It looks like my previous reply was filtered out by moderators. I’m not sure why? Possibly because I shared a link to resources. Fortunately, I copied the message before attempting to post it. Please see below:
Thank you for you kindness! I appreciate you sharing your difficulties.
I believe you when you say there is a language barrier, because you misunderstood my question.
What do you miss most from your life before your health issues developed?
I wasn’t asking about your health condition. I was asking what activities you enjoyed but can no longer do because of your health condition.
For me, it was important to include activities that I missed doing in my new lifestyle.
For example, I loved hiking. But I wasn’t able to hike anymore because of my health issues. When I don’t go outside I feel very unhappy. Now, I go on short walks and look for places to sit down and rest at frequently. When I don’t feel up to that, sitting in my garden or sitting in a car and looking at the countryside is helpful.
I hope the bold text was helpful. It it isn’t, please ask me to stop using bold text.
Your financial situation will improve when your husband learns German. This will help him get a better job.
I wish you both the best of luck! You seem lovely person and have taken care to reply to everyone that posted in your thread.
Hi Mary
I think it can be used in different contexts and mean different things.
Some people said that my husband was too much because he is loud, friendly, positive and outgoing. The people that said that were shy introverts.
Friends can use the phrase in a jokey way while laughing. “Oh, you’re too much!”
My sister often feels that she is too much because she has difficulties and worries about bringing others down or her emotions overwhelming others. She has been treat poorly by others.
I think it is difficult for some people to emotionally distance themselves from situations and give others the space they need to express themselves. A lot of people are hurt when their loved ones are in pain. I think that most of the time in these situations, people just need someone to listen and care about them without overly being involved in the situation. It is easier said than done!
I have a friend who has difficulties with some of her “friends” as she is experiencing difficult circumstances and talks about them. They feel emotionally brought down by her discussing these issues so they don’t want her to talk about it anymore. It is very painful going through difficult circumstances alone without being able to discuss it with people you care about. We all seek comfort and reassurance from loved ones.
Personally, I don’t believe in matching vibes. I can be happy, whilst someone else is sad and vice versa. What is important is communicating appropriately.
I think it’s entirely appropriate to set boundaries when you need to. If mental space is already limited, it’s fine to say “Please can we talk about this another time? I would like to be present and give you the care and attention this needs but I’m not able to do that right now. I’m feeling X, Y, Z myself.”
Thank you, I appreciate the sentiment.
There are lots of desperate people in need, hoping that others will take their problems away. More often than not, difficult choices need to be made.
Healing often involves suffering and the willingness to endure it. Whether in the chair of a therapist’s office, the side effects of medication, a surgeon is operating, laying on an acupuncture table or doing the best you can to manage your health at home.
Unfortunately, this message doesn’t always provide hope.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 