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InkyParticipantHi Annie,
Sexually, if you both are of age, almost anything is OK if it’s consensual, IMHO.
For the emotional abuse on his part, that was more wrong.
And for the communication, hey, you tried!
For the shame and guilt, you know, people try things. Now you know “That was not for me”. But you don’t know what you don’t know until you know. So now you know. No shame or guilt.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantThanks! 🙂
InkyParticipantHi Annie,
I would Drop the Rope. You’ve done it with not contacting him. But when you see him at work, this is how you Drop the Rope: When he says “Hi”, you say “Hi”. You don’t say “Hi” first. Let him take the lead, like in a dance. He doesn’t exist unless and until he talks to YOU! Then, FOLLOW his lead.
At the same time, imagine that you are a Princess. A rare jewel. A five-star card. It’s as if he tried to throw junk away from his attic but Surprise! It’s worth a million dollars! Reframe The Story to be he didn’t know who you were, and he now has to live with that regret.
Be polite when you see him. But remember, you are an elegant lady with escorts, balls to attend, and a kingdom to run.
Good Luck!
Inky
InkyParticipantDear One,
Your father must have known that you would need the money. Count on it as being the great gift and blessing it was. After all, what if you DIDN’T have the money when you did? Unthinkable, right?
The good news is you can start fresh now. Read The Richest Man in Babylon. Follow the book and put your money where it says to in the proportion it says to. Then, slowly but surely, you will be comfortable again. Dare I say happy. Follow Suze Orman too. (Wish my sister would!)
Inky
InkyParticipantHi There!
I would use his/your car to drive away! He can’t successfully berate you (in quantity, anyway) if you live far away from him! Visit him a few times a year. When he acts up over the phone, say, “I don’t want to hear it,” and hang up. And the only time he should see your boyfriend is at the wedding one day. Or just sidestep the drama and elope!
Your father, YIKES!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Annie,
It is a blow to have such a hard time with your parents helping you pay for college when other kids don’t even have to think about it! It’s also hard to simply move out if you have no job and any money that comes in has to go to paying student loans!
Now listen, this is what I would do. Bite the bullet and somehow pay for those classes yourself. Once you have one or any college credits no one can take that away from you! A good thing to do also is get certifications in things. Often cheaper than college, you could collect one or two a year. My nephew has his captain’s license, diving instructor certification, large vessel certification, etc. College wasn’t for him, you see, but he loves the water.
Not to be sexist, but you could for example, get a massage certification, hair dressing, yoga instructor…
People don’t often ask where you went to college or what your GPA was. They will care what you can actually do.
I don’t know, the more certifications in things you get, the more doors will open up for you, the more money you get, the sooner you can leave your mother’s house, and the sooner you can get a college degree… if you’d still want it!
Blessings,
Inky
InkyParticipantYes, it’s tricky. You need your own time and breathing space. I’d just hate for him to get a new girlfriend during that time. I would cast out some “feelers”. Don’t flirt with him. Let him flirt with you. If he does, lean in for a kiss. If he bridges the gap and kisses you, that’s your confirmation.
InkyParticipantOn an intellectual level I’ve always known what you’re saying, Bethany. Now I just have to internalize it.
There was a lot of fighting and discord in my family and I saw her as a sort of kindred spirit. So when I felt that disconnect/disapproval it was “one more thing”.
At the time I had my crazy, critical parents. Had just come out of a super competitive school. Had just been dumped by a boyfriend. And then The Incident with the favorite person.
So that’s where that feeling came from.
InkyParticipantHi Lucie,
Whether this is love or merely a form of love, it sounds like he makes you happy. Your boyfriend gave you the gift of an excuse to dump him. You can dump the BF with NO regrets and be with your Friend now.
Yay!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Guys,
Well, I missed the funeral, as I was a distant relative and never got the phone call. My dad may have gone, but he probably just said his respects over the phone.
It would be like having a favorite teacher in high school and then them becoming hellish to you Senior Year. I could have internalized it, but I felt it was more of a betrayal.
It wasn’t what she said, but how she said it and the actions surrounding it.
And yes, energetically I had already felt what she was dishing out. It was a confirmation but it came from the wrong source in the wrong way.
The Master Processor in me wants to write a letter, put it on her grave or burn it and/or blog about it. It will say, “Life is so much easier when we accept an apology you never received. Cousin Peggy, I forgive you.”
Or write a list. “You were wrong and here’s why” with fifteen examples.
Or go to a psychic who talks to dead people and talk to her/”her”.
What do you think?
InkyParticipantHi leeya35,
I read it as though he was having a good time, and then suddenly his back was up against the wall. That if his mother met you and disapproved, life would become “Real”! So rather than stand up to his mother (probably for the first time in his life) he quickly dumped you. I think he may very well have had feelings for you, but they weren’t deep yet, and certainly not strong enough to contend with the whole Asian culture thing. I would look on this as a huge blessing. If you meekly did what he said with the car, then this could have dragged on for years!
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Taymor,
First of all, congratulations on spending five years together! For a student five years is like ten or twenty to an older adult. I’m not kidding!
I wish I could give you a magic bullet. Time, though, is the great healer.
You CAN train yourself to live in a Present where you believe anything is possible. Here’s the Thought: “In an unlimited Universe, anything can happen. “Harrison” (if his name is “Harrison”) could re-enter my life. I’m not attached to that happening, but I am also open to that happening.”
“I am not attached to that happening but I am also open to that happening” is very, very important. This should give you some measure of Peace.
Blessings,
Inky
InkyParticipantWell, a narcissist is all about THEM. Maybe a “How would YOU feel if…?”
Another option is to make your problem their problem, have them feel ownership for it. “How does it make YOU look if you’re always late?” or better, “When you show up at a gathering on time, Honey, it’s the strangest thing, people think it’s YOUR party/club/venue!”
InkyParticipantWhat has helped me was telling a descriptive story. Like, “When you’re late to the party I feel like an un-chaperoned princess… Vulnerable, open to attack, anxious. My kingdom’s drawbridge is down. Anyone could get into the castle. Where is my knight?” If you do it well enough he should at least FEEL what you’re feeling.
Now, they may tell you their own descriptive story right back!
Another technique is to praise him on something that you want him to be that he’s shown a little evidence of in the past. Let’s say he did arrive to a party on time once. You can say, “Wow, I feel bad for Angie that Bob’s late again! By the way… You were very wise knowing that we couldn’t be late to the wine tasting event last month, and in fact arranged the transportation. I am so lucky you’re in my life!”
If you’re subtle and patient, it’s possible to change someone’s mind, but I usually don’t even make an attempt LOL.
July 31, 2015 at 8:23 pm in reply to: Friend of 14+ years blocks all contact and won't explain why. #80982InkyParticipantWow, I was really triggered! Sorry so long!! And apologies if none of this pertains to you at all. But if even one of my points makes sense, please consider it.
Oh, one more thing and can’t believe I didn’t think of it first:
Did she ever have any children? Maybe she doesn’t want to be around kids if she doesn’t have her own! Maybe you and your family is triggering HER! Maybe she’s reminded of the SIDs death?
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This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by
Inky.
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This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 