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Inky

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,951 through 1,965 (of 2,508 total)
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  • March 7, 2015 at 12:59 pm in reply to: the guilt is taking over!! #73659
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi timidmoon,

    You have nothing to feel guilty over. Especially as time goes on. So let’s say you see your ex seven months from now or a year from now. Him expecting you to be all chaste after he broke up with you would be a little over the top. You owe him nothing. This is what a break up means. You can see other people, party, travel, watch whatever you want, eat whatever you want, wear whatever you want, change religions, political parties, neighborhoods, etc. without “hearing about it”… You see where I’m going with this? It is none of his business.

    You shouldn’t feel guilt over a one-night stand. Now, if you feel shamed or dirty, that is a different issue. IMO it’s OK to have a one night stand in our lifetime. Or a weekend fling. Or a summer love. (If single, that is. Hey, you are!! LOL). You are young and have done what millions of other young people have done when broken-hearted.

    BUT was this date-rape? “I wish I had said no louder”. Do you mean you whispered “No” and he didn’t hear you? Or he chose not to hear you? Or were you not saying anything at all?

    Don’t Feel Bad,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Inky.
    March 6, 2015 at 5:21 am in reply to: empty nesting #73632
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi gogogogirl,

    I have three kids, one in college. We had a taste of the empty next sensation when all three were inexplicably out of the house for a week on end, each doing different things. I had assumed we would celebrate, parlay in rooms we haven’t before, drink wine, have grown up cocktail parties, etc.

    WRONG! We both fell into this dark depression type mode. No light. Just darkness. It was simply horrible, and they were coming back!!

    Intellectually I knew everything (said above) about “This is not my identity”. But viscerally, emotionally, I felt, “Where are my babies? What do I do now?” (Even though they weren’t babies and I had plenty to do)

    We just have to get through it! That it will all get one percent better a day. And before we know it, Weddings!! And Grandchildren!! And, if we’re lucky, new meanings in life, new passion, travel!

    Hear You,

    Inky

    March 5, 2015 at 6:31 am in reply to: How to deal with a difficult sister? #73576
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jasmine,

    She probably still views you as a kid sister. Literally. By getting married, getting a divorce, and having a baby all so young, you have essentially become her peer. She took your (ex)husband in because she doesn’t take you seriously, takes him seriously, and can maintain her current role.

    The way to get out of this situation is to Get Out. Nothing creates distance like distance. Once you get your own place (forget a house, get a small apartment for now) stay away from her. And your Mom, the family lynch-pin. Visit them at holidays and see how that goes. Don’t offer sister ammunition. Be polite and quiet. See what the vibes are. Let her wear herself out, talking. The kids, by virtue of their existence, unfortunately, might contribute to the competition.

    One year, or one decade, your sister may see you as a peer.

    Sorry you’re going through this,

    Inky

    March 4, 2015 at 6:16 am in reply to: Insane Family Dynamics and an Ultimatum? #73512
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Ashley,

    I always say, “You can’t argue with crazy”. The father is crazy. Not right in the head. Has some personality disorder. Needs meds.

    If you continue to be with the boyfriend keep your world and the father’s world totally separate. Tell BF, “BF, if you get an email or phone call or face to face with father, and he says something bad about me, I don’t want to hear it or know about it.” If there is a wedding, graduation, etc. it would be better for you not to be there. I know this isn’t fair. But it would make your life simpler.

    However, if you and BF marry, that is a different story. Again, BF shouldn’t tell you anything bad the father says. If you have children, he should not see the grandchildren. And have holidays elsewhere. BUT, as his wife you SHOULD go to weddings and graduations. And hold your head up. And not speak to him. And use every buffer and social nuance not to be cornered by this abuser. And your BF, now Husband should stand up to his dad.

    You have to now make the decision for yourself. Is this the kind of guy you would want to marry? Is your BF the kind of guy you can love AND respect? Maybe you should move out so you won’t be constantly disrespected. I know he’s been through hell, but he is a weak person for letting this happen, not shielding you, and not protecting your heart.

    I know this is hard to hear, but it must be even harder to live with.

    I love your posts, website, and help. I really want you to succeed in everything! And have a relationship worthy of you!!

    All the Best,

    Inky

    March 3, 2015 at 4:07 am in reply to: Emotionally Exhausted! #73460
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi ElleTinker700,

    I am a bad mom for saying this, but… once you have kids, doing stuff like birthday parties is automatic and no big deal. There’s also the kids’ plays, sports games, recitals, and graduations. Frankly, your brother (being a guy) won’t care and will totally understand that work schedules trump birthday parties, plays, games, recitals and even graduations. And your sister in law will probably be relieved that there’s one less person to take care of. That’s how I feel, anyway, when my own sister catches wind about a recital and invites The World. LOL. I end up taking care of several grandparents and the token lost or late relative and almost miss my own kid perform!!

    Also, you seem to be putting a lot of self importance on yourself. That if you’re not there everyone will be emotionally devastated. Conversely, they think your job is cute and no big deal and really don’t get it.

    It’ll All Be OK,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
    March 2, 2015 at 8:30 am in reply to: Support system wearing out #73421
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Kay,

    Sadly, your husband ambushing you can be very typical of guys about to walk out the door. Your female friend, not so much without some clue.

    I liken them to prey animals. Prey animals (rabbits, mice, deer) always seem healthy. Always seem vibrant. Always seem on. Until they’re literally dead. They have to give the APPEARANCE of everything being OK just to survive. They don’t want to be picked out as being weak from predators. Some people are like that. In the distant past, if they complained, life would get very difficult. So they put on a happy face and don’t talk about it. Until the end.

    Now, just because it’s out of the blue for you, doesn’t mean it was for them. They’ve probably been thinking about this for months and years.

    I hate to say it, but take a page out of their book. Don’t SAY anything negative now. If you have to, get a journal and write the hell out of it. Don’t be an external processor around them. They can’t handle it anymore.

    And for the female friend, and I say this from experience, don’t talk about what went wrong in the friendship. That is a sure fire way to kill it. If/when you see her now, everything’s “Great!” Maybe one day you can have deep talks and kvetch about the world. But it sounds like she is saturated.

    I’m sorry. Think of this as a crash course on how to be positive.

    Inky

    March 1, 2015 at 6:28 am in reply to: Ex has breast cancer. Too connected. Need some perspective. #73381
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi yoda428,

    Your ex-wife is giving it her all just to get through the day. She doesn’t have enough energy relate to other people. She might not feel anything at all except maybe fear and concern at the moment.

    That said, she needs all the support she can get. Take care of the kids. Make sure the house and their schedules are running. Food in the fridge. A clean house when she gets home. Hire outside care if you can. Schedule drivers. Make sure her affairs are in order just in case.

    You are her friend, and you are family because of the kids.

    You sound like the best ex-husband ever!

    But honestly don’t ask her for anything emotional until a year AFTER the cancer thing is BEATEN.

    Healing to the Mom,

    Inky

    February 28, 2015 at 6:12 am in reply to: Desperately Hopeless. #73357
    Inky
    Participant

    P.S. Dude, I just saw your YouTube Channel. You speak well and have a good camera presence . As a mother, I can say, “I Love that Face!!” Don’t take your face away from the world. Even if you just take a walk, you might brighten someone’s day just looking at you. Stay in the Light!!

    February 28, 2015 at 6:05 am in reply to: Desperately Hopeless. #73356
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Dude,

    Get a full physical with blood tests. Sometimes one hormone can be off or you can have a severe vitamin deficiency because your body has trouble absorbing certain things. This is not a minor detail and I’m not making light of your depression. It happened to me. It turned out that my body wasn’t absorbing enough Vitamin D. Sounds minor, but it made a HUGE difference once it was taken care of!

    So get a physical with blood tests. And follow your doctors orders. Go to a naturopath if you want to stay away from Drugs.

    Also, Nature is a great healer. Now that it will be getting warmer, take your shoes off and bask in the sunlight and earth. Being outdoors will re-stabilize you on a basic level.

    We All Got You and are Here for You, One Click Away!!!

    Inky

    February 27, 2015 at 4:12 am in reply to: I thought I was there, but I guess I'm not… #73333
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jonny,

    A few things. One is with mental illness (I’ve seen it in my family, and I’m not saying you have it) stress can trigger episodes. You are under a lot of stress with school, the job, the gigs, detoxing and the breakup. I have a feeling when the summer comes and classes have ended you will be a little better.

    With the ADHD, can you find an awesome doctor? If I have a headache I take an aspirin. With ADHD, certainly you can take something harmless. That’s where the great Doc comes in. And you can tell him what you wrote above.

    Get recommendations from friends. If you hear glowing review and the same name keeps coming up, that’s your guy.

    Good Luck,

    Inky

    February 26, 2015 at 4:53 am in reply to: Unbottling my emotions #73304
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Catherine,

    Why do women always say, “I need to forgive”? Are we trying to be better people? Is it something impossible to strive for so we give ourselves permission to never let go? Is it to feel more powerful, more enlightened? Religious/Spiritual?

    I can guarantee you that he never has/had those feeling, much less of guilt.

    I say it’s OK to be angry! Be pissed! How dare he treat you with such disrespect?!? Azzhat.

    You had The Last Word by leaving. It sounds like you want to “forgive” yourself for giving him that last lame conversation.

    I think what you really want is The True Last Word.

    You can do that by living awesomely and never speaking to him again.

    Hold you head up!

    Move On,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
    February 25, 2015 at 4:15 am in reply to: Looking for some support/advice #73274
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Jaspermarie,

    First of all, don’t worry about being too old. Some people are professional students, you know? I have seen grandmothers take grad programs with their kids!

    And wow, you could be a certified yoga teacher, learned physiotherapy and be a doctor!!

    All you can do now is apply. If it’s not in the cards for next year/s, finish the yoga/begin the therapy course.

    If you are accepted, then BE medical student. Not, “Can I do it” but You ARE it! Let it encompass your whole being. No relationships. No hobbies. Your Life IS this program!! Hire a valet or someone to do your shopping and housework.

    DO IT!!

    Inky 🙂

    February 24, 2015 at 4:50 am in reply to: Please help, Im confused #73243
    Inky
    Participant

    It could either be he really does only have a glass of wine or two at night and you’re making up something to be upset over because you’re nervous about getting married.

    Or, he has a Real Problem that’s a Deal Breaker and you’re better off single.

    I say it’s easier to start over and find someone local who doesn’t really drink at all. Long distance relationships are tough. My instinct says Not This One.

    February 23, 2015 at 4:04 am in reply to: Regret and Public Health #73206
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi meadow,

    Imagine how all the art history professors feel!

    But seriously, if anything, one of them will become a Public Health recruiter. Or even the Surgeon General. Or president of the school. I would imagine in this day and age the students, and the parents often footing the bill, are able, or do, see with both eyes open.

    And how many people do you know have a job directly connected to their school or major?

    They will get an education in something, and that in itself is worth it, if that’s what you want to study.

    You did not waste your life. You learned how to connect with people and use your speaking skills. Pretty good skills to have for an occupational therapist!

    Inky

    February 22, 2015 at 4:47 am in reply to: The Twilight Zone #73132
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Leila,

    What country are you staying at? Are you hanging around with natives or ex-pats? That might give some clues.

    So I’m one of those who believes in past lives. Maybe you felt more at home in Bolivia because you used to live there or in the countryside! Maybe you have never been to this new place before and the people you’ve met you’ve never seen before, in a past life perspective. When you have no frame of reference, so to speak, it can throw you in a loop.

    The other thing is, you have to learn to truly enjoy your own company. You have to fall in love with you. The people? Meh. Forget about them. Totally make best friends with a book series, a journal, an online game or a TV/Netflix series. Only write/watch/read one page/show/chapter a night. This way you’ll have something to look forward to the next day.

    It would be a shame to quit now after all the school changes in the past (I remember from last posts?). I agree with funsized. Give it a year.

    Inky

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,951 through 1,965 (of 2,508 total)
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