Oh Leslie, I’m so sorry,

I love how he expects you to change, and then says that line, “Only if we both change”. What a creep. Can I say that? If you truthfully look back on the past year with him, I bet you could see how he would act like a judgmental/self-satisfied/and/or little brat.

I did have the experience in college of being broken up with where one day I saw my ex, alone, walking across the college campus. Like a dope, I followed him. There was no other woman, but I saw him having the time of his life, jamming, smiling, not soul torn asunder at all. On another post I had replied that he did try to come back into my life, but that was so many years later it didn’t matter. I felt nothing.

It’s funny, just last night I was sitting at a bar having a glass of wine with my sister and (get this) her ex-husband’s ex-fiancé. The guy had been married twice before and every four years leaves a wake of broken hearts, wives, girlfriends, and mistresses strewn behind him. The man is now, according to karma, balding, old, broke and alone.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but maybe it’s don’t be surprised if you find yourself ten/twenty years later commiserating about this guy in a bar.

Take Care of Yourself, OK?

Inky

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

Hi girlinwonderment,

I don’t want to sound mean, but this is probably why he is in his forties and still single (or divorced?). Girls don’t put up with that for long, and you are a grown woman. What I would do is keep your relationship undefined or tell him you’re dating other people. When he texts one day and finds that you genuinely are busy ~ meeting another guy for a drink ~ I bet the text and calls will come more often!

It’s possible that he has never had to “court” a woman before. I’m sure they all (gladly?) came to him. But you’re not like them.

Let Him Chase You,

Inky

Hi blisshead,

Maybe you are an “alien”. You are certain to be of a different breed than the peers you see around you. It’s good to connect with the people of your own “kind” ~ in uniqueness, sensitivity, and nature. Once you find even one or two, band together to make a great team! Perhaps your greatness will come through a community of like minded others. You could help form an artist’s guild, retreat center, yoga workshops, music band, etc.

“A rope of three strands is not so easily broken”,

Inky

Hi healingnun,

I hate to say this, but when a man suddenly turns “cold” out of the blue, there is either someone else on the scene, or he had an “epiphany moment”. Like, I had a college boyfriend break up with me right after spending a month in NYC. First of all, no one can compare to NYC, not even a girl who lives there, you know? The good news (I suppose) is he came crawling back. The bad news (for him) was that I had taken him at his word, moved on, and met somebody.

And men turn “cold” to maintain control, stick to their decisions, and make your loving and questioning seem irrational. The more crazy you become because of the coldness, the more they can justify the coldness.

Also, you two are about to launch into the “Real World”. Maybe he needs space and freedom to find himself and make his fortune before marrying anyone. That is probably what’s going on here. Men need time and space to make their “nest” for a future family. They just don’t think about it that way! They just feel a need to be by themselves unattached!

The long silence at the other end means that S@!# was becoming real at his end. He is not sure. But don’t expect a thaw overnight.

The best thing you can do is STOP calling him and give him all the space he needs. If he tries to reach you, wait a few days before responding. DO NOT become emotional. Do Not! In fact, turn the tables and say, “I think you’re not the only one that needed some space. Thank you for giving me that gift.” Then pretend you’re the one who needs a break from him. See what happens.

Hi Emma,

The last question is a doozy. How to deal with resistance. In the present you can fight against it. i.e. “Look your parents like me, they really like me! Where’s your resistance now?? LOL”.

Or the issue will naturally dissipate the more you focus on other things or even as time goes on.

For example, since you have an open relationship, you could focus on guys that are proud to introduce you to their parents. “What are you talking about, I’m the girl next door, I ran into your mother at my fiance’s mother’s garden party, and she’s perfectly lovely! Oh yes, by the way I’m engaged, sorry!”

Or you can say, “What are you talking about we’re thirty years old now and your parents have dementia!”

He is the only one carrying that image. And even his parent’s have this out dated image of you. If I’m doing my math right, they themselves probably came of age in the 70’s, so I’m sure they don’t judge you as much as everyone lets on!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

My dear calavene,

Remember that everything changes. Not that you were ever an ugly duckling or are even now a swan, but ~ you are a different person than you were seven, ten, twenty years ago. Everyone is. And people, as well as constantly changing, are also pretty much the same everywhere. Awesome people with flaws as well as jerks with a rare glimmer of a heart of gold. Even the perfect person for you will unwittingly break your heart ~ even a little.

Military training has probably helped you to put the mission first, to keep moving, soldier! That includes the rest of your life, too. I hear you, I am an introvert and suspect have some social anxiety disorder. Trust me, I know what it’s like to interact with people, make confessions, etc. But keep your ultimate mission in mind: to have a family/relationship. Let’s just admit that’s what you really want.

Confessing or even asking through a mutual friend, would be great! But if that doesn’t pan out, try to let people glimpse inside the fortress walls. They won’t get in, but let the most likely have a peek. Then, if they prove themselves worthy, lower the drawbridge for an hour or two.

Inky

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

Hi calavene,

It is possible that she does feel something for you, but says nothing because you don’t. It’s also possible that her boyfriend is “Too bad to stay, too good to leave”. A lot of things are possible.

But let me tell you, in this world it is The Lady’s Choice who she will be with! You are not responsible for breaking up a relationship. You don’t have that much power! She does. She could break up with him when he doesn’t propose on Christmas or for missing Valentine’s Day. Or because she wants to. You are not a caveman who could simply carry her away. She is not an object or another man’s possession. She is a sovereign free agent. Her own being. Her boyfriend is just that. A boyfriend. Not a husband. Not a fiancé.

I say, put your guilt aside, tell her how you feel. If all is well, she will reciprocate and let her boyfriend be responsible for his own feelings. Or, she will gently let you down easy. But what a relief! To get that off your chest, and not live with “What If?” I think her saying “No” (or “Yes”) to you is vastly better than setting her aside.

Just my Opine,

Inky

Can I just add, that as a woman, most of us instinctively know when a guy uses tips and techniques from well meaning “gurus” such as David DeAngelo. I’m not saying don’t try them, I am saying don’t be surprised if they don’t work. If you like this girl, trust me, all the tips and tricks have been tried on her before!

So if I were the girl and a nice guy suddenly says “No”, postpones the date, doesn’t text first, (add more guru tips here), etc. I know I’m being (unsuccessfully) played.

Go Old School. Date other girls because with this one it takes ten years to say “hello” anyway because she is so busy. There is a chance that she will be interested in you when other girls are, but so what? Let her finish school, do her three jobs, and volunteer work in peace.