I’m sorry you went through this. I chalk it up to immaturity on his part. This is what *could* have happened, the scenario which makes the most sense.

So he’s in college/the Merchant Navy, a young guy. He sees all the other guys with young girlfriends. He has someone our age (no offence!! 40 but looks 30). He is congratulated for having an older woman. But being away/starting something new/seeing new people ~ something “snapped”. Again, immaturity.

He starts seeing casually a young girl who’s been eyeing him for a while. She herself may have changed his FB status, “outing” him so soon after the break up. Or, he felt pressure from her to change his status. You call him on it, thus embarrassing him. Then you (rightfully) say, “I’d like to have my car back”, thus giving him a reality check.

I think he got nasty/unfriended you because the new girlfriend broke up with him, he failed his exam, he wreaked the car AND you want it back. Then you write him, “Glad you’re OK”. Once again, he snapped. His best laid quarter-life crisis plans bombed.

The car ~ I would tell his MOTHER that you are picking it up from HER and leave the keys under the tire. Leave him alone. You were there for him for a Season. Maybe for a Reason. But honestly, I wouldn’t see him.

20 years difference COULD work for an older guy, younger girl, but it is usually (eventually) a disaster the other way around. I would find a mature, older man. There are plenty, as you know, in the sailing community. I think you’ll have a better time. May the wind fill your sails! 🙂

Hi Violet,

Well, if it took him a year to win you, then you were the ultimate prize.

And also, one can’t spend that much time and energy towards a person without feeling some sort of emotion or feeling some sort of guilt for using them. If he honestly doesn’t have some measure of affection or guilt towards you, then he is a sociopath. If so, congratulations! You got a sociopath out of your life!

Hold your head up. Chalk it up to a mistake. And “it” never happened! He’s not going to brag about it without destroying his own life. Conquering housewives is not something you brag about, so make believe “it” never happened.

And you are now officially older and wiser to the ways of the world. You have lived life, the kind that most people fall into at least once but never admit to. Sometimes that is the price of wisdom.

And, for your husband’s sake, take this to the grave. After all, “it” never happened.

That is a great breakthrough! I hope that it will soon become an instinctive, automatic response in both of you. May it get out of the mental and integrate into your being!

I am all for sub-worlds and parallel lives. But enough is enough. Is it possible ~ just possible ~ that he’s hiding you because one of the women assumes he is single and he’s stringing her along ~ if only for fun? It’s weird that you are blanked like that. Well, I’m sure the other woman/women are blanked on FaceBook too. Look in his Friend Request list. I bet some of them are still in FB limbo.

Hey, my step brother was like that. He gets very, very uncomfortable when Sub-Worlds Collide. The family for a decade literally didn’t know where he lived in Newport. And he had three girl friends. Like cats, they knew of each other, but he made sure they each didn’t get into the other’s “territory”. Of course, he wisely is not on social media!!

Also ~ maybe your boyfriend had his daughter too young. Maybe he missed a good chunk of bachelor days.

Tell him, “Honey, this is an episode of When Sub-Worlds Collide. Add me back on Instagram AND put in a photo of me. Who do you like more? An internet fan girl or a real live woman of flesh and blood who’s right here.”

Forget passive-aggressive or aggressive. Time to Be Assertive.

• This reply was modified 11 years ago by Inky.

Well, you’re passive aggressive because if you were aggressive about it there’s a chance he could leave you. There’s also “Not wanting to ask, but wanting nonetheless”. You want the Instagram photos to be from HIM, not because he felt he had to put them up there!

A few things:

1. Who is his “audience” on Instagram? Does he have a huge following pre-You, is he popular, is he expected to have certain pics? What is the purpose and “theme” of the account? What goes through his mind before he thinks a pic is Instagram worthy?

2. If you are alive and well in his FaceBook universe, I wouldn’t worry too much. To me that one’s more Real, it’s like The White Pages LOL.

3. It could be a single guy vestige. OK, there was/is this site called Odd Todd. It was all about a single unemployed guy in NYC and the cartoon was a direct reflection of its creator. Huge following. HUGE. Well, life goes on and the guy gets a girlfriend IRL. He slowly, gradually, gently gave her a little bit of an appearance (“I have a GF and she exists”). You can bet some of his following got angry/sad/disappointed. It’s like when Cathy, the cartoon character, got married on the strip.

4. If he doesn’t have a following, he should get over it. I knew a band *cough* who would refer to their GF’s as “lovers”, “consorts”, “concubines” to their “fans” (all 50 of them) to project an image of the women who weren’t just going away LOL. This was PRE-internet, everyone is married and the band is disbanded now. LOLOL

Good Luck!

Oh my God, I’m so sorry this has happened.

Here’s a thought: Did he know before you did that they were swingers? Maybe his best friend talked about it from way before, and DH was already excited and half brain-washed? Or, maybe he told them that he would do it if you said “Yes”. Maybe he truly believed you’d be an easy sell??

Only because for him to go on and on about it for ten months?? And you’re the one with the problem??

Also, how old is he? This sounds like mid-life crisis with emphasis on the crisis.

I think all you can do is wait it out. He hasn’t done anything, but has gone temporarily insane. I would wait for the spell to be over. Think of it as a secret shadow side that popped out like a bad zit. Hopefully it’s over.

There are two things, and I’m going to boil them down until they congeal to the pan:

1. All men are horn-dogs deep down

2. It’s that woman

So here you all are, totally inebriated, and suddenly someone is giving your DH permission, out of the blue, to have a threesome. He’s thinking, “OH! It’s THAT kind of a party?!” and he looks at you with a hopeful grin as is someone gave everyone an illicit joint or wanted to go cow tipping or something. I swear to God he thought of it as harmless, let’s live a little, fun. Now, I think if sober, he’d freak out a little the closer to the bedroom everyone got. I think it’s the IDEA of doing it that is so appealing.

Now, that woman. Your friendship is off the table, sorry DH. I would, though, revisit them ten years later when she’s a little older, a little fatter, more flabby, and, dare I say, more moderate. We have all said things that we’d rather take back, and she has learnt not to talk to your friends as you would some people in a bar.

Forgive, forget, and have him stay away from that woman until the mid 2020’s when everyone can laugh about it in their older age.

• This reply was modified 11 years ago by Inky.