There are two things, and I’m going to boil them down until they congeal to the pan:

1. All men are horn-dogs deep down

2. It’s that woman

So here you all are, totally inebriated, and suddenly someone is giving your DH permission, out of the blue, to have a threesome. He’s thinking, “OH! It’s THAT kind of a party?!” and he looks at you with a hopeful grin as is someone gave everyone an illicit joint or wanted to go cow tipping or something. I swear to God he thought of it as harmless, let’s live a little, fun. Now, I think if sober, he’d freak out a little the closer to the bedroom everyone got. I think it’s the IDEA of doing it that is so appealing.

Now, that woman. Your friendship is off the table, sorry DH. I would, though, revisit them ten years later when she’s a little older, a little fatter, more flabby, and, dare I say, more moderate. We have all said things that we’d rather take back, and she has learnt not to talk to your friends as you would some people in a bar.

Forgive, forget, and have him stay away from that woman until the mid 2020’s when everyone can laugh about it in their older age.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Inky.

Hi There!

When people have affairs it’s usually when the kids are older and life has become drudgery. This paramour of yours sounds young and everything is brand new! Of course you can’t compete with a newborn daughter! You just can’t! His lifestyle changed dramatically! Wait until she’s over the age of ten, not as cute anymore, and self sufficient!

That being said, I know that ultimately this is not what you want. He is an addiction. And what’s worse, he is an addiction that doesn’t (really) seek you out! So, if you contact him every day, wait two. Then contact him and wait three. At this point he will contact you. Don’t reply. Wait four days. Once you get to the eight days no contact mark he should be going crazy.

But wait, there’s more. When you see him, no sex. Now it should become obvious if he really loves you or has been playing you.

That boring nice clueless husband of yours sounds better and better. Let him “win”. Put all your attention that you would have given the other guy onto him.

See what happens. Your life will improve dramatically.

This situation is intolerable. My kids were best friends especially as they got older. And shame on your parents for not putting their foot down. It is not out of the realm of possibility to move out of the house, into a dorm, into a shared apartment. Even if you have to have a part time job to pay rent, that is a lot better than being with this family of yours! Your sister will get more jealous but your parents will be proud. Just do it. Don’t say you can’t. Most young adults do. Don’t ask for help or permission. Just get out of there.

1. Ignore her. Literally. Pretend you have gone deaf. Then pretend that you have gone deaf and blind as she yells, ups the ante and makes weird gestures. Then, when it is quiet and calm, behold! Your hearing and sight have returned!

2. Use the Broken Record Technique. It could be any line. Like, “It’s OK, I forgive you”. This is an alternative to Ignore.

“That’s stupid!”
“It’s OK, I forgive you.”
“You’re stupid!”
“It’s OK, I forgive you.”
“IT’SOKIFORGIVEYOU!IT’SOKIFORGIVEYOU!!”
“It’s OK, I forgive you.”

3. Another technique is to say “You’re right” to every insult and “I don’t know” to every question. Eventually she will tire herself out because she have no kick back, no fight. (Obviously she’ll know “You’re right” is meant ironically).

Basically you want her to tire herself out and soon learn it’s not worth it.

And, moving would be a GREAT option!! As everyone gets older and sees each other less respect usually grows.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Inky.

I wish you posted this first… I’m sorry, for some reason I thought you were a guy and mindlessly pining over an ex.

All I know is you teach people how to treat you.. They will go crazy at first, but.. What if for every criticism you sing a song? Ignore? Change the subject? Give them back three times what they give you? Leave the room? Talk to them about the ISSUE for an hour for each time they treat you badly? One of these things or a different thing will teach them that it’s not worth it to be mean. Experiment. What do you have to lose??

OK, the whole New Age/Spiritual movement is by definition Undefinable. So if you don’t believe in Meditation, Chakras, etc., there are hundreds of other ways to be spiritual! So if you go to the New Age section of the bookstore (or even the Religion or Philosophy section) see what books resonate with you.

My cousin is the most spiritual person I know. She’s into raw vegan eating, channeling, hiring shamans to clear family karma, etc. My sister starts talking about Feng Shui and my cousin laughs at her! LOL! So just do what feels good for YOU! Like religions, not all spiritual people believe all the same things!

Also, some people have spiritual gifts without having to work at it. Think of the tired meme of the Regular Joe guy who gets psychic information he didn’t ask for but in the end has to deal with.

You could be a prayer person, an angel person, a mystic, a magic user, a philosopher, a humanist, a healer, a church goer, a philanthropist, etc. Even the mundane has its spiritual elements. Sitting in nature is profoundly spiritual, even if you don’t feel or experience anything.

I agree. Forgiveness is an optional and noble act. Your feelings are immediate and a primal reaction. Do you have regrets for sending the letter? Do you think that will give her license to repeat her actions? (Clue: She would anyway.) View her as an enigmatic yet dangerous wild animal. Like a cobra. Leave her alone. Back away slowly. Warn others heading in the snake’s direction.