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Inky

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  • November 15, 2014 at 4:43 am in reply to: help me stabilize my life #67854
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi There!

    When people have affairs it’s usually when the kids are older and life has become drudgery. This paramour of yours sounds young and everything is brand new! Of course you can’t compete with a newborn daughter! You just can’t! His lifestyle changed dramatically! Wait until she’s over the age of ten, not as cute anymore, and self sufficient!

    That being said, I know that ultimately this is not what you want. He is an addiction. And what’s worse, he is an addiction that doesn’t (really) seek you out! So, if you contact him every day, wait two. Then contact him and wait three. At this point he will contact you. Don’t reply. Wait four days. Once you get to the eight days no contact mark he should be going crazy.

    But wait, there’s more. When you see him, no sex. Now it should become obvious if he really loves you or has been playing you.

    That boring nice clueless husband of yours sounds better and better. Let him “win”. Put all your attention that you would have given the other guy onto him.

    See what happens. Your life will improve dramatically.

    November 14, 2014 at 5:02 am in reply to: Young woman struggling with purpose and self love #67819
    Inky
    Participant

    Everyone gave some really great advice that you should take to heart.

    One “red flag” I saw was you getting overwhelmed and emotional about all the horrors of the world. You are empathic, but you shouldn’t suffer! Take Vitamin D and St. John’s Wort for depression. You might not be getting enough sunlight (which has Vit. D). I was depressed/weepy for years and it helped. A lot. It seems like such a small thing. Promise us you’ll get a check up and rule out any underlying, subtle, thing that is “off”, OK? Once the physical is OK, then work on the mental/emotional stuff that’s left.

    Also you are vegan ~ are you eating a lot of grains? Some of us have a grain sensitivity which wreak havoc in many ways. Maybe up the fruits and veggies. Vitamin B12, obviously, is a must. Would you be open to having an egg once in a blue moon if you saw the real, live, happy chickens they come from? There are a lot of people who feel as you do and raise their own happy chickens and goats so they have some animal protein. I only say this because I’ve been there and I saw what made a difference in my own mood and well being. (Apologies if I offended!!)

    • This reply was modified 11 years ago by Inky.
    November 13, 2014 at 4:32 am in reply to: i hate my sister,how can i ignore her? #67763
    Inky
    Participant

    This situation is intolerable. My kids were best friends especially as they got older. And shame on your parents for not putting their foot down. It is not out of the realm of possibility to move out of the house, into a dorm, into a shared apartment. Even if you have to have a part time job to pay rent, that is a lot better than being with this family of yours! Your sister will get more jealous but your parents will be proud. Just do it. Don’t say you can’t. Most young adults do. Don’t ask for help or permission. Just get out of there.

    November 13, 2014 at 4:23 am in reply to: Feud between brother and sister – I\'m the sister-in-law – Where should I stand?? #67762
    Inky
    Participant

    I think the sister is being controlling because by saying that you are “controlled” and have to “hate” her because of your husband! That is very manipulative. This is not an intervention on behalf of a controlled woman. This is so she can be friends with one spouse and still fight with the other!

    Asking one spouse to go against the other (even in support) is over the top. She can’t have it out with one, so she goes for the easier target! Don’t be the easier target.

    Just say, “I want peace in the home” or “I’m not discussing this” or “You’re not over that yet?” when she brings it up.

    And, on another note, of course you can be friends with her! Just don’t have it be in your husband’s face! Don’t hide or deny it either! Be all, “Honey, I want peace in the home”, “I’m not discussing this” or “You’re not over that yet?”

    The decision is ultimately yours, but I would let your husband handle it and take the lead.

    November 12, 2014 at 4:00 am in reply to: i hate my sister,how can i ignore her? #67721
    Inky
    Participant

    1. Ignore her. Literally. Pretend you have gone deaf. Then pretend that you have gone deaf and blind as she yells, ups the ante and makes weird gestures. Then, when it is quiet and calm, behold! Your hearing and sight have returned!

    2. Use the Broken Record Technique. It could be any line. Like, “It’s OK, I forgive you”. This is an alternative to Ignore.

    “That’s stupid!”
    “It’s OK, I forgive you.”
    “You’re stupid!”
    “It’s OK, I forgive you.”
    “IT’SOKIFORGIVEYOU!IT’SOKIFORGIVEYOU!!”
    “It’s OK, I forgive you.”

    3. Another technique is to say “You’re right” to every insult and “I don’t know” to every question. Eventually she will tire herself out because she have no kick back, no fight. (Obviously she’ll know “You’re right” is meant ironically).

    Basically you want her to tire herself out and soon learn it’s not worth it.

    And, moving would be a GREAT option!! As everyone gets older and sees each other less respect usually grows.

    • This reply was modified 11 years ago by Inky.
    November 11, 2014 at 5:17 am in reply to: I'm in pain… I need your advice one more time :( #67676
    Inky
    Participant

    Are you sure the guy she met is a boyfriend or is he just a friend?

    If he is a boyfriend, then don’t write the letter. Actions speak louder than words ~ there’s no point. Maybe she wanted to contact you to tell you she met someone. Don’t even give her the satisfaction. Move on.

    If he is just a friend or an ego boost, and you don’t want to deal with her anymore, write the letter.

    If you do want a relationship with her, or just want to figure out what’s going on, forget the letter. FB her, call her on the phone, see her. There might be more than meets the eye.

    November 10, 2014 at 3:34 am in reply to: non existing me #67621
    Inky
    Participant

    I wish you posted this first… I’m sorry, for some reason I thought you were a guy and mindlessly pining over an ex.

    All I know is you teach people how to treat you.. They will go crazy at first, but.. What if for every criticism you sing a song? Ignore? Change the subject? Give them back three times what they give you? Leave the room? Talk to them about the ISSUE for an hour for each time they treat you badly? One of these things or a different thing will teach them that it’s not worth it to be mean. Experiment. What do you have to lose??

    November 10, 2014 at 3:26 am in reply to: finding out a difficult truth #67620
    Inky
    Participant

    Talk to them about it, blog about it, FB about it, tell their parents about it, ignore them, avoid them, hang up on them, cold shoulder them, give them the stink-eye… There are 100 different ways to show your displeasure.

    At this point they already know.

    But if they backstabbed you then they already don’t care.

    Caveat: Keep in mind that some people honesty don’t think they’ve done anything wrong.

    November 9, 2014 at 6:07 am in reply to: I'm jealous of spiritual people. #67551
    Inky
    Participant

    OK, the whole New Age/Spiritual movement is by definition Undefinable. So if you don’t believe in Meditation, Chakras, etc., there are hundreds of other ways to be spiritual! So if you go to the New Age section of the bookstore (or even the Religion or Philosophy section) see what books resonate with you.

    My cousin is the most spiritual person I know. She’s into raw vegan eating, channeling, hiring shamans to clear family karma, etc. My sister starts talking about Feng Shui and my cousin laughs at her! LOL! So just do what feels good for YOU! Like religions, not all spiritual people believe all the same things!

    Also, some people have spiritual gifts without having to work at it. Think of the tired meme of the Regular Joe guy who gets psychic information he didn’t ask for but in the end has to deal with.

    You could be a prayer person, an angel person, a mystic, a magic user, a philosopher, a humanist, a healer, a church goer, a philanthropist, etc. Even the mundane has its spiritual elements. Sitting in nature is profoundly spiritual, even if you don’t feel or experience anything.

    November 9, 2014 at 5:04 am in reply to: I'm jealous of spiritual people. #67548
    Inky
    Participant

    Religion and spirituality is like making Anti Pasta (sp) ~ A Little Bit of This and a Little Bit of That! You will not jive with ALL the things taught in any one teaching/path. But you can say, for example, “Hmm, I believe in past lives AND that Christ lived. I study the Kabbalah AND do mantras ~ this is my favorite one. I go to High Christmas Services AND to the secular humanist Unity church.” See what I mean? Delve into what resonates with you. If nothing does, that’s OK too.

    Personally, I believe that spirituality helps us through life, and religion helps us come to terms with death.

    Just remember that you are sovereign and don’t let spiritual “leaders” push you around!

    November 8, 2014 at 4:37 am in reply to: Is forgiveness always a good thing? #67521
    Inky
    Participant

    I agree. Forgiveness is an optional and noble act. Your feelings are immediate and a primal reaction. Do you have regrets for sending the letter? Do you think that will give her license to repeat her actions? (Clue: She would anyway.) View her as an enigmatic yet dangerous wild animal. Like a cobra. Leave her alone. Back away slowly. Warn others heading in the snake’s direction.

    November 7, 2014 at 4:12 am in reply to: non existing me #67472
    Inky
    Participant

    P.S. Don’t do anything rash. In your next lifetime it won’t be *this* lifetime at all. It’s like everyone is in the body of different actors and everyone’s handed a new script/role. Right now your role is loving husband and father. Rock it!

    November 7, 2014 at 3:48 am in reply to: non existing me #67471
    Inky
    Participant

    The first love always holds a special place in everyone’s heart. It’s so common the term “First Love” is a cliché.

    What had helped me was seeing the First Love in person fifteen years later. He looked different, he acted different, when we hugged he even smelled different. My sister pointed out what a jerk he was after the event we were all at. It reminded me of why it didn’t work out in the first place. That element remained the same. (Shallow Warning): He didn’t even have the looks anymore to carry being rude off!

    Then I got home and looked at my amazing family who the angels had hand picked for me! And shuddered what my parallel universe life with the other guy would look like!

    Another cliché: Everything DOES happen for a reason! Enjoy your young family!

    November 6, 2014 at 6:14 am in reply to: Total Nightmare! #67426
    Inky
    Participant

    Oh dear.

    OK, I don’t know what your spiritual leaning is or how open you are, but a ritual – or prayer – for Protection would be vital. Before that do a ritual – or prayer – for Clearing. You want to Clear, Protect and then Bless. Anything you find in a book, online, or through a spiritual advisor that you resonate with, do.

    Another thing is to move. Even if it’s one town over. You can still get to work, but be much less likely to run into people and get a clean start. A new beginning!

    Lastly, I would find the most gossipy person you can think of. Tell your side of the story. Trust me, the truth that you were caught in the crossfires will reach the majority of your social circle.

    Oh, and pray earnestly that the person who called Social Services gets found out ~ they always seem to eventually.

    Unfortunately your letters and the social services call plus the breakup was terrible timing.

    November 6, 2014 at 4:51 am in reply to: Total Nightmare! #67423
    Inky
    Participant

    P.S. You don’t need the other people to get Closure. You can only give yourself Closure. Do a ritual of some sort to mark this life chapter’s ending.

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