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March 10, 2017 at 5:33 am in reply to: I want a big positive change in my life,my nature,my activities::transformation #138699
InkyParticipantHi chelsa,
I know this reply is a few days late, so hopefully you will check in..
This feeling of “There’s something wrong with me but I don’t even know what it is”… I think this would be like a caveman having spinach in his teeth but mirrors haven’t been invented yet and he goes to a new tribe but the people view him as being “off” and he’s all, “Why??”
If what you say is true, go to the kindest, yet most truthful family member you know. Ask them. “What is it about me that could be seen as off-putting?” If it is indeed the fake smile, guess what, you can fix that!
For others it could be lack of fashion sense, or crazy eyebrows that are “off”.
Finally, it could just be the people in your environment.
Good Luck,
Inky
March 9, 2017 at 4:35 am in reply to: My anxiety ruined my relationship/friendship how do I fix it? #138209InkyParticipantHi Marissa,
With this guy the only thing that will START to make it right is Time. Don’t call him, message him, communicate with him via his friends, etc. Leave him alone. He knows you have emotional issues, but that doesn’t mean he can handle them now. He is freaked out. The more you approach him, the more he’ll remember the times you went nuts on him.
I know this is bad news. Maybe in a couple years send out a tentative message “hey” or type out a long, formal apology.
If it’s true friendship, he will eventually come back ~ as a friend. But on his timetable, not yours.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Elisabeth,
Did she pay you back for all the rent? And for the vacation did she offer to chip in?
Is it the sheer volume ($6000) that is making you balk?
The best way to say “No” to someone studies have shown is to say “No” and then immediately ask for a favor.
Example: “I wish I could but I had to send some $$ to my cousin with the sick baby. Hey, listen, my car’s in the shop, do you mind driving me to the dentist?”
My general rule for myself is to say YES (up to a certain amount) but not to lend money again until everything is paid back.
Good Luck!
Inky
March 7, 2017 at 4:41 am in reply to: My boyfriend is in an arranged marriage with someone else… #136433InkyParticipantHi Megan,
I think saying “No” to his family would be very good for him. You don’t REALLY want a man who can’t stand up to even his sister, do you? Because this would be the first arranged marriage, he could get out of it if he really wanted to. If he ends up marrying the girl, it wasn’t a match anyway.
My advice is to tell him: “Contact me when the engagement is called off so we can be married. Don’t contact me if you choose her. I’m not going to hold your hand. You need to do this yourself.”
Good Luck,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Poppyxo,
I can only speak for myself. My DH and I never brought up other people when we were getting to know each other. There was an assumption that we were both “free agents”, as it were.
BUT, later, after a month or so, he said, “I’d like to date you exclusively if the feeling is mutual.”
So I’d lean more towards answer #1 first and with #2 later. Meaning, I wouldn’t even ask her question, and neither would he. 🙂
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Anonymous,
For day to day interactions, my advice would be the Seek Sanctuary in Politeness. If someone says something rude or disappoints you, you can say, “Excuse me” and leave the room.
Then you quietly yet firmly resolve not to deal with those people anymore. Like your friend who got way too comfortable disrespecting you.
Of course, you need to control your own anger. Yes, feel the anger, but instead of lashing out, view the emotion as a message that something is wrong. Then cut out or cut down on the source of what is wrong.
I’d rather be alone than be with crappy people.
Again, don’t act like a crappy person either! But by surrounding yourself with quality people, you should be fine.
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Sylvie,
I’m sending you all the white light and intentions towards you finding a place all your own. I consider it done! So I’m speaking now to you while you are in the safety and sanity of your own pad:
The Number One Rule Going Forward is don’t subject your children to living with an unrelated man. They see (even subconsciously) you putting all your attention towards a stranger instead of to them. They see you becoming emotionally, mentally and psychically depleted. This has to stop! Let them (for once) have it be all about them. Time is fleeting and soon you can do whatever you want. Just make sure the next guy is worthy of you.
Blessings,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Carolin Lim,
I have SO many thoughts that I will list them:
1. His wife knows about his “5 or more GFs”.
2. He is an unemployed loser and compensates by being a wanna-be-Casanova.
3. I bet he was telling you about all those GFs to make him seem like everyone wants him. Half of them are probably exaggerated. i.e., Someone says “Hi” to him and therefore she wants him.
4. When you wouldn’t sleep with him right away he started in on the emotional abuse.
5. YOU are not married to him and he has NO ties to you, so he started in on the control.
6. He has the pretty girl (you) competing with the super model girl and the super model girl competing with you. Insecurity on his behalf all around! The perfect set up!
7. You already enacted the perfect revenge: You unceremoniously dumped him. The ceremony of an official closure is more than he deserves. Leave it alone.
8. If you must tell the wife, wait until a year and a half later when he’s already moved in on his next victim(s). Don’t let on it’s you, but do tell her about the super model girl and that he would brag to you about all these other women.
These men are sad, they have no job, and so fill their spare time in spreading emotional chaos because they’re bored.
And P.S., coincidentally, this is the season of Lent, a great time to repent and give something up!
Blessings,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi seek,
From a purely practical perspective, I would find my own living space and create healthy boundaries in regards to seeing your sibling. What he was raging about was probably old unhealthy family dynamics and patterns. “When we fight about the dishes, it’s never about the dishes” kind of thing.
Stay safe,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi luli,
It sounds like he’s on emotional autopilot. Sure, you can discuss it all with him, but you can’t make someone feel something that’s not there. Even if he agrees to be more engaging, after a while he will go back to autopilot. We all do.
“Absence make the heart grow fonder”… What if you do back off and take an emotional vacation of sorts, from him?
See if he follows you or courts you. What a strange word “court”, but that’s what men did in the old days.
You don’t even have to tell him you’re doing it! Let him court you or wait for someone who will.
Good Luck,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi again!
OK, after re-reading everything I should edit: You are more of an admirer than his GF.
If he says “I love you too”, great! But even if he did and there was nothing in his eyes or behavior to back up the confession, you might be writing a similar post.
What if you stopped negotiating your existence in his life totally? What I would do is sit with the uncomfortable feeling instead of going back and making everything all right again. So let’s say he ignores you. Fine, go about your day. He doesn’t say “How are you?” His loss! Let HIM carry the conversation, do the work and sit with the uncomfortable silences for a while. He will either go on with his life, thus freeing you. Or he will take some ownership in the relationship that you have been carrying for the both of you.
Inky
InkyParticipantHi luli,
You are not so much a girlfriend as you are an admirer or a groupie. The good news? You get to spend time with him. The bad news? He’s not an active president of YOUR fan club. I think he likes and appreciates all the attention. But at some point you have to drop the rope and see if he picks it up. He might not! But you’ll have to be OK with that.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi Poppyxo,
One good line to use in closing is, “Get back to me after you’ve done (homework assignment #1) and let me know how it goes.”
Then if they do come back to you and still kvetch and complain, ask if they’ve done (homework assignment #1). If they haven’t, say “Do (homework assignment #1) and let me know how it goes.” Like a broken record.
Eventually they’ll do the work (and have a breakthrough) or they’ll talk about other things with you.
Don’t get frustrated. One in ten might do The Work. But it will be worth it.
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantHi jbradford2012,
Spring semester of Senior Year is a little sad for everyone/anyone. Even if you were still entrenched in the cult-y church and all the sorority sisters were your best friends, you might still feel introspective and down. Because guess what ~ next year EVERYONE will be spending their birthdays alone in their apartment with their dog (even metaphorically speaking). And everyone will have a new beginning.
You will find a job (or create one) and move away from your mother for good. Whether she was a co-dependent mess or the best parent in the world, you will still be in this phase of life!
And when you get out there, I’ve found that the old cliché is true: The best way to find a friend is to be one. Every adult would love new friends. Not necessarily best friends. But true ones. Even if they’re all snobby and turn you down, it’s always nice to be asked to get together for coffee or invited to wherever.
And yes, get a good psychotherapist. Because I want you to have someone who you can talk to about everything and anything. You deserve that!!
Best,
Inky
InkyParticipantOh my goodness, thank you for sharing that!!
I notice (for myself) that when I do TLoA work, things do shift ~ but only for a day. Another theory is you can’t just think it, you have to feel it as well. I did that for another issue, and again, it only worked for one moment in time ~ but it freaked me out because I felt I had hacked the system or bypassed The Struggle which we are all attached to on some level.
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