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Hi Jonathan,
My father shouldn’t have been a father (I’m telling you this so you know that I understand ~ more than you can imagine!). Your father shouldn’t have been a father. Some people just are not cut out for being parents. Or married.
Children from a failed marriage are a reminder of the failed marriage and of the parents failure.
Children from a previous marriage are also evidence to the new spouse that at one point their husband/wife had a life without them.
Second marriages and ready made families are a chance to start over when you are older and wiser. You can be the hero for once instead of the bad guy who failed in life.
So you see what we are dealing with.
A big reason why these fathers don’t initiate contact, or much less apologize is SHAME. Your father deep down is ASHAMED of himself and so can’t face you. And the more happy, successful and well rounded you are the more they feel shame that you didn’t need him in the first place!
Your father knows that he is not worthy of you. You can always write him a card next year or on YOUR birthday and write: “I forgive you. I am doing great and it’s a shame you are missing out on so much. Here is my contact info.”
Another thing you can do is (this is REALLY hard but can be REALLY effective) is to visit your dad’s new family on holidays. And call him, your step mom and your step sibs on their birthdays. And take them out to dinner/lunch around their birthdays if you are close enough. Individually if you can. They will be confused. Stymied. And like you. And feel guilt. You are telling your father that you DO matter, you EXIST, and you are NOT going away that easily!
And he is older now and so are you. If he tries to verbally abuse you say like a broken record, “There’s no reason to say that. You can speak to me respectfully.” Repeat. Repeat. Calmly. Broken record.
Blessings,
Inky
Hi violet22,
People instinctively look at other people, not because there’s something lacking in their partner, but I believe because of our ancient past. In the old days (and not that long ago!) people were always dying. At a shockingly young age. So we unconsciously cast our eyes to the horizon for “One in the Wings”.
On the other side we also take after our Creator, who was a jealous God. So NO! Do NOT presume to look at other women in front of me!
If he is doing it so you notice tell him to have some class.
And in the meantime buy and hang a Men in Kilts calendar filled with sexy Scots in kilts in your home if it becomes a problem. You can have eye candy too!
Best,
Inky
Hi jayorts,
It’s interesting to me that you initially didn’t see him a lot in the beginning on purpose and he was the one to get upset with that. I do that too with people who I think the world of. Take consolation that at one point he DID like you a lot.
The other thing, the white lie about the age. My DH omitted his true age to me. Rather than getting upset and using THAT as an excuse to dump him, I got miffed, but eventually married him. My point is do you think it’s possible that he already wanted to break up with you and used the white lie as an Issue of Choice for him to do it?
As for you being demon possessed… Dude, you dragged him out of the closet to his whole world before he was ready. For you to rage against his friends and family like that, wow! I picked up a definite “Who Do You Think You Are” vibe to the 10th/ degree! It’s like you wanted to be dominant in the relationship and he triggered your inner wolf.
Lastly, what you are doing is stalking. When I was younger I had a stalker. The only reason I don’t have him anymore is because I think he died. It was that bad. The worst thing about it was he would wait until you’d breathe a sigh of relief and relax, live your life, and not think about him and BAM! Six months later a letter would show up. Then BAM! Eight months later a phone call. Then your friends would say three months later they ran into him on vacation and he was asking about you. This went on for 10x longer than the actual relationship.
It’s unnerving, disturbing and cruel to have someone on the periphery of your life you don’t want. Like you’re not giving him a choice, you WILL be in his life somehow whether he wants it or not. You are rejecting his rejection. Don’t you know that the more you try to contact the person, the more they are repelled?
Seriously if you just raged towards one friend and contacted him once after the breakup, I would advise waiting five or ten more years and then apologize again. But it’s way, way too late for that now.
Pretend he is dead (his younger self that was with you is anyway). Have a little ritual. Grieve. Then move on.
Blessings,
Inky
Hi kavita,
Your mom talks that way to you because it is now her default setting for talking to you after decades.
In short, it is a bad habit.
What you need to do is break her habit.
One Easter my mom started in on three of the siblings’ weight. One sib was getting angry. The other ran into the other room crying. When she started in on me, I grabbed a “NO!” button from Staples (any loud noise maker would do) and pressed the button. “NO!”
She was startled and upset. She started in on my weight again. “NO!” The children were laughing. The joke was on her. Once again, she made a comment (though more obliquely). “NO!”
Wouldn’t you know it, the habit was broken!
Now we talk politics. Bring on politics! Yay!!
Good Luck,
Inky
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 