Love and power to you Anita❤🤗

Dear Anita,

You can write on his thread, but only help him if he needs and wants help. If he doesn’t. Just let him be. I knew he had a thread on this forum after he deleted the earlier one but I did not try to read it earlier. I read it this time and I felt I shouldn’t have. The will to change or not… It is his choice. Your effort and words will do nothing to him if he himself never realises he did wrong.

I was good to him all the time, but he took me for granted because of it. I was good to him not because he is the only man alive nor that I can’t date around or can’t fool around, but the friendship between us was too strong and the fact that he shared his mind with only me and nobody else in the entire world- not his family and not his friends… made me always feel that I should be kind to this man, be his friend like he has been mine.

But that does not give anybody the right to play with my emotions, my time and my self esteem. I wanted to see that we had this relationship living in the same city, would it work or not and Oh My God Anita, it was such a splendid time. We are really compatible. But if he did not understand that then perhaps he will never understand anything good that happens to him.

As for myself, I will spend the upcoming months realizing my dream of workcations , enjoying my youth by eating good, dressing up well(I am already doing that now-spending my hard earned money and not my parent’s) and writing whenever I can(I found a story- a very relatable one- I need some research as it is too real but I work on it everyday so that I don’t let it go). All good things are happening now, my best friends are moving in the same city that I am in and I know I have people to go out with whenever I don’t feel that great about myself. I think I will keep marriage on the backburner for sometime. Even my parents understand that I am not in the mental space to think of anyone else so they don’t talk about it although I haven’t told them about the cheating part.

I believe in Karma, so I will let the universe do their thing while I do mine.

Also, absolutely don’t regret being unkind. I will rather put it as you had a different perspective to things and not unkind- but even that perspective helped me in understanding every aspect of the matters I was facing. You have been my saviour and friend since past 5 years and although there are gaps in between. I always find my way back to you. You are a gem!

P.S.-You can talk to him if you want to help him but it is solely your decision.

Hi Anita,

I know I can be utterly wrong here but it is not just about boyfriends, I tend ignore people and cut them off eventually who have been cruel to me… Boyfriends or friends, even relatives.

People do not understand by words so even if I sit down with them and explain, they will still feel that although what they did was wrong, they did it because of some reason/excuse.

Best revenge to cruel behavior is no revenge at all… All those negativity in being angry towards someone… It takes lot more effort than forgiving them. I am unable to be angry with anyone for long because anger hurts me mentally.

But yeah what is in my hands is understanding when to move away and that I do.

On a different note, two men significant in my life cheated on me. I think it says something about the people I have been dating. I don’t think I should be choosing partners anymore. I don’t think I choose people well. It can be purely coincidental but none of the relationships I had in my life lasted more than three months and these two relationships lasted 3-3.5 years. And none were with people around me. Maybe I was too scared if things become too real for me to handle. I still am thinking why is it that I always dated people away from me… People who could only want long distance relationship. Maybe I was scared of getting too attached and getting too hurt…

I am slowly realising what a normal relationship should be and how far I am from it.

To Anita and Tee,

Life is full of surprises and so, when I had felt I had completely moved on, and wasn’t expecting anything short of the healthy state of affairs I was expecting from life.

When “DanDan” Pursued me again despite my warnings that I would not meet him, he came down to my city only to meet me. So I met him and strictly told him we were not to be. I kept telling him in every way possible that we should not be together but all that crying and telling me that I am the love of his life moved me somewhere.

To be honest- I was unable to move on as well. The reason being… Somewhere I always felt that I did not give this relationship a proper chance. It was never in person, always in long distance. So a month of denying passed into a month of giving things a thought to another month of living together. 3 months passed. To be honest, when we stayed together apart from his drinking spree with his friends.. He kept his drinking in control. He was funny and although he did not help with household chores at first, he started helping out. Gave me massages when I had back ache from work… I have a back pain issue which the mattress is aggravating as well.

Saw him have terrible nightmares.. He jumps in his sleep a lot, has total loss of reality for few seconds if he wakes up from a scary dream and then he feels fine. We had fun times, inner jokes, things we did together. And I felt that it was a good decision to have spent time together.

But his office in the other city… They resumed work from office and so when it was time for me to switch, I decided to move to his city so that we can spend time together and even finalise a home so that as soon as marriage proceedings at home are done we can move in together.

Then he left my place.. We spent a month apart again… I had asked him if I can visit but he stated he was preparing for interviews himself for his dream FAANG companies. Then he was supposed to take this trip with family to the other country and here is where things completely came to a standstill.

I am so used to his behaviour now that I don’t feel hurt. I had given this relationship once chance because everyone deserves one chance. But it was blown into the air like smoke.

I have no expectations from anyone. Now I know what I need to do. I want a family and a extremely loving partner… Someone who would crave for me to hug him after a day of hard work, someone who would want to kiss me subtly good night… At least for initial 10-15 years because with kids and responsibilities I understand that the small gestures become less frequent. But I want him to be grateful that I am a part of his life. Why? Because I know what sort of a woman I am and what I bring to a relationship. And love and care should be responded with love and care.

That is it.

(P.S.-I discovered his thread yesterday, I had never been wanted to go through his journey of self discovery so I never tried finding it earlier. But now I feel what did he exactly do in the past year so I searched. Little snooping and I found his thread which started as a bed of regrets, and his issues which I am well aware of. I have said the same to him a thousand times- about leaving no place for regrets by doing things when we are supposed to… He is an alcoholic, he is unable to identify and accept it. He says he accepts it so that people get off his back but willingly chooses to drink just to pass time. He is addicted to smoking too… Smokes a pack to 2 packs a day when stressed. But again doesn’t accept it. Says I can quit anyday that I decide to quit.

I have met his mother, his mother is a wonderful human being. She is a bit underconfident in things because of a complex. And maybe the care and love she required from an active partner was missing. Otherwise she has been more than attentive to her kids. All of them. The fighting between mother and sisters as he puts it… It happens in every indian family if there are daughters. Reason: women have different perspectives to how they want their life, their house to be and the way they want to do things. If they live long enough within the same household they will have difference of opinions which often happens. Put together women in their 30s,40s and 60s in a dorm, there will be chaos. Because these women have a way of life they want and do not want to comply to others. It’s completely normal.

About moving abroad, it is a senseless passion to me. Leave your country for a chance to be in another where your identity will be a second grade citizen… As you are not born there.

Yes go to work, go to explore and then come back. The stupid idea of movies and videos… These are specially curated for people to want to live there. Small trips to places can make you want to live there but in long term scenario everywhere will be the same if your mind has not found peace and “home” In itself.

The body and dancing…

He feels he is an excellent dancer because people told him so… I have been a dance enthusiast all my life and I feel that if one needs alcohol to dance, they are not a dancer. If music does not make you sway, does not give you ideas not matter what sound it is… If you can feel and identify the rhythm, you are a dancer. However if you remain glued to your seat unless there is alcohol in your system. I doubt whether it is dancing which makes you feel good or just the attention you got from the entire city and your parents when you danced well or acted well once.

The body building… Being obssessed about 6 pack abs… It’s better to be consistent, be in shape and be healthy than to go on fitness journey for one particular kind of body type which cannot be sustained long term. Even actors cannot keep it up for more than the duration of the movie shoot.

One should be in reality, identify what actually makes them happy. If it is dancing then shed your fears and do it in front of people. If you cannot, cross it off your list of things you need to do before you start loving yourself.

There should be no list to be checked off in order to love yourself.

When I make my body, I will be okay. No you will not.

Stand in front of the mirror, do you like your face- the dark circles, the pores, the nose, the lips… Look at everything and realise it’s me. I am okay. I like myself. Keep repeating it. Fake it till you make it. And you will be few steps ahead in your journey of life.

DanDan,

Drinking and smoking are the villain of your life. Identify them- your immense attraction for random people, your need for thrill, your issues with your own self will slowly show up in your life. Right now you can only see them when sober and forget their presence when drunk. Understand it this way, unless you meet a client, you cannot explain your product or sell. You need to meet your insecurities and fears first in order to resolve them.

I know somewhere you hesitate meeting therapists and counselors.

But before you go to that step, journal your thoughts. See how mixed everything is. Identify the things you need to fix and fix them otherwise you will never be happy.

Anita and Tee…

Reach out to me whenever you want…

I know it won’t seem that I am capable to handling people given my decisions in this relationship. But same as he said, I had never experienced something like this ever before with anyone. And it was hard to accept it’s end. But I have. And am very clear as to why it ended this time.

I am available as a friend to both of you guys just as you have been to me. Patient and caring. Please share if you want to.

Love, IK09

I have been good and things moved fast in terms of job.

With the boyfriend… There was radio silence for 1 year and then boom he was everywhere and suddenly he wanted to be a part of my life.

Long story short… After trying extremely hard for about 3 months, he convinced me that he loved me very much and that we should be married. He even made me meet his family.

And then I told my family and they were not happy as they believed in astrology and my boyfriend and my charts did not align well. However I remained firm that I wanted only him. My parents haven’t been talking well to me after that. They just call sometimes to remind me of days (religious days) which I should fast for and some days when there is some upcoming religious day. That’s it. I call them to tell them of interviews so they acknowledge and say they wish me well.

In the midst of all this, the boyfriend went to another country (1st time outing of our own country) with his family to meet his extended family who live in that city.

There was radio silence from him again. 4 days later I contacted him and asked him jokingly if he didn’t miss me and he said yes I didn’t.And he added there was nothing to say so I did not text you.

Then I deliberately pinged him the next day and we talked a little about my job situation (trying to switch jobs). That was it.

The next day,  I told him the situation at my home in brief.. Just said how upset my parents were… Nothing more than that… And he said he was confused again about us. Also that he felt I had extreme emotional needs(I hugged him everyday and kissed him everyday when he stayed around me) and also he felt like a father around me(god knows what I did that was so childish).

And the next day I tried texting him about a job offer and he texted he will text later… This was a first in 3.5 years… He would either not respond if he actually was in something urgent or reply and talk.

I felt odd but I told him okay.

The next day he tells me he cheated on me the night before. He drank all night with some girl and made out with her. Also told me that he willingly did it because be wanted to and that he stopped feeling attracted to me because he slept with me… He was feeling attracted in the period of that one year because I kept him away but when I kept kissing him and hugging him he felt that I was giving myself too easily to him and hence he lost the attraction.

Hahah, the man does not get what a serious relationship is.

He wants me to be okay with it because he “realised” Casual hookup and sex etc. Is not for him and he feels it’s a big deal that he did not have sex with her… He stopped himself because he thought of me all through.

I was still okay when he said he willingly kissed her… I has done that too on a break long back in 2020… I wanted to know if I was attracted to anyone else. And I found that alas… It was just the Boyfriend whom I was attracted to.

But the “I don’t think I am attracted to you anymore” Part broke my heart. And I don’t feel sad about it as well. I feel normal. I don’t know if I am dealing well with it or not. But I am okay I just don’t want to think of anything romantic, no partner, no nothing. Just doing my job and being comfortable in it.

Pretty sure he has access to this as well. If you do, I feel pity for you for not being able to realise what we had and what we could have become. But I still forgive you. I hope you find something happy and more lasting in future. I am unable to process it entirely because it seems stupid to me to throw stable loving situation for some moments of thrill, attraction and passion. But I am not dependent on anyone emotionally or financially and I think I will get better and maybe we can talk about it(not getting back together but we can talk…the only thing that kept pulling me back to you was our immense comfort and friendship so I owe you my ears because of that). Or maybe not. Let the time tell.

Sorry for bombarding you with all this… But you asked me about it and to be honest… I have spoken to nobody about it till now.

Crying sometime at night, doing things I love during the day, reading and writing… I am slowly mending myself to happy and stable mind.

I love Naan and would love to have a coffee topped with French Vanilla- but I want to have it in a cafe- not at home anymore.

I honestly thought I replied back to this post!

Hi Anita,

I was not a fan of vanilla earlier but recently I discovered this flavour called French Vanilla and I have been all about Sundae and vanilla after that. And I think French Vanilla is my favourite flavour now.

My job is still difficult but I am coping anyhow. My parents want me to quit and try anything else but I am insecure about getting another job in current situations as all sectors have been hit heavily by the pandemic.

How are you doing? Did you get any chances to laugh recently? I hope you are healthy.

and, Have you ever tried Indian Cuisine? 🙂

Just saw the news, heatwave in U.S.A and Canada caused roads to crack…. I can imagine how you must be.

Water also warms up so it isn’t so that one can go take cool showers…

Try finding out if there are any natural streams where you can go swimming… Those will be relaxing… As well as shaded areas around trees are nice… So if there are some parks with big trees where you can camp during the day… It can be relaxing to you.

Distract your mind with books or movies (phone does not help) ….. Stories ease the mind… So drop in some engaging fictional world. I use this during my unbearable period cycles.

Nights will be tough- but at least during the day, you can relax a bit.

Tell me if any of these is possible…