Yes Anita and TeaK, I have let this cycle go on for too long and there is very little space in my head right now for love and I want nobody but me to have it. Yes, it is depressing sometimes but I think instead of trying to latch myself to him, I will speak to you instead and in time, It will all be a distant memory. Fears are fears, they are meant to be irrational, aren’t they? I will have to stay strong and not give in.

I will keep in touch over the weekends or whenever I feel weak.

TeaK,

I think I am understanding his need for approval as well, this seems right.

My sister told him that She would never let us be together and If I(IpkRO9) so wished to be with him, I need to choose between him and her and If i choose him, I will have to cut her off for life.

When he emphasized that he loved me a lot, that I was important to him, and that we have never had a normal relationship because of this issue and she fixing the damage she did at least in my home would bring us both happiness and we wouldn’t bother her anymore. She was enraged. She said that she can’t imagine a person of his status( he earned well even then but due to his parents’ debts which he was taking care of, so he struggled with his finances then) to be with me (she considers my parents’ money as ours’-the kids’)

Anyways the conversation ended with she talking really offensive things about his upbringing and his parents to which he replied that at least he isn’t dependent on his parents for his life and is independent and then he said that if we choose to be together, he would never consider her in the decision.

Before this incident, he always felt like he needed to apologize to her and needed her approval- because she told everyone that he did a really bad thing, all friends treated him like a criminal over this…for dating his friend’s younger sister.

This incident changed his mind about it all. But, he also somewhere wanted to let go of everything that reminded him of her and other friends and I was the last link.

Both of us guided one another, he finally switched jobs and two major companies tried to acquire him, and finally, he got into a dream job for most people in our country. About a month later, I got a job too. Not as great as his, obviously he is a senior in terms of work as well as education.

Today, he is stable financially. Has invested in multiple places and is content in terms of his work.

I think it is for the best to cut ties for both our mental healths.

My friends keep telling me that he will creep back in, they are like just imagine a life with him. What if he wants other women even after marriage, etc.

The thing is I want a void, for now, I don’t want to think of him. Don’t want to be reminded of him too. I want to finish the things that I have been keeping on my pending list to finish one fine day. I want that one fine day, now! I wish him happiness but I need me now, I want a lot of things. I want to have stability too. mentally, physically and financially.

About my previous ex, when we had first started- I was different but slowly when he started knowing my situation at home, he manipulated it and kept forcing me to fight at home for money.

I have a friend like him currently, These men think they know me very well. They will keep telling me nobody but me knows you best. I keep this friend to have perspective on my past and what kind of men I absolutely have to avoid, The Know-it-all pretends.

I am for now only focusing on me, It hurts every second though. Although both he and my ex feel like similar men and perhaps they were…in terms of commitment issues or more, how I behaved towards both was different.

With my ex, I used to be like a helpless weak person because he was so dominating till one day he left and I realized how weak I was.  When I had met him, it was a conscious decision to meet and date. Although it was a chance meeting as well, I had taken a decision to date.

When I met my current ex, oh it hurts writing that but when I met him, I was already on a mend myself mission- I was content being on my own and was happy enjoying things I like. He was my sister’s friend so she had forced me to go meet her friends, I had honestly just gone out for the food. And we met and I denied that I can’t like him, I can’t like anybody, especially not my sister’s friend. But it was as if I could not think anymore, coincidences were extreme. We met unexpectedly at places and suddenly my sister decided that all of us should go on a vacation. We talked on the trip, at length and suddenly we both realized that we have too much in common in terms of interests but we handled things differently. It just so happened. It was not planned, not even like let’s date and see… to this day I feel he is my kryptonite but he did make me feel like a superwoman. He made mistakes in our personal life but he always uplifted me and advised me with my career and studies. I have grown better because of him, I have become stronger.

My sister was always unfair to me but instead of facing her, my approach was to ignore and move away. It kept hurting me but i took no actions. With him, I faced all that.

But towards the end, things grew painful. Earlier he never ignored me, no matter what but he did. He used to say that in his mind he always told himself why did he associate himself with someone connected to my sister. He said he wanted no relations to her whatsoever so it kept hurting him that why he kept coming back to me when I am related to her. It used to mentally bother him that he kept a connection to his bully when he wanted to snap it off…especially after the September issue when he texted her after 2 years expecting she would have cooled down about all this and would perhaps understand his feelings for me if he made her understand. You obviously know what happened, it backfired. She abused not only him but his family and his parents. He was hurt and he had cut off all mental connections to me which I didn’t know because he had stopped talking saying that let’s give time to things. And he was getting better not thinking of all this but I got in touch again because I didn’t know he was doing good, I just texted to know how he was and he texted back. He seemed distant at first but after few days, he texted himself. We again remained in touch but just as good friends….on and off……till in January, he told me his parents forced him to meet a girl for arranged marriage thing and although he said he didn’t like the girl because they didn’t talk much but who knows if they did talk, they would have liked each other. Anyways, when he told me that on text… I told him All the best for his new life and blocked him everywhere except on-call- I didn’t think he would ever call….but he did….some 10 days later… very drunk and totally out of his senses…I told him I don’t want to talk on call and definitely not talk when he wasn’t sober, if he has anything to say to me he has to come to meet me and within a week he came to meet me. I felt maybe he is putting in an effort. Then I got to know his family wanted him to come to see me so that he can finally make a decision. Maybe I wasn’t all that great as he thought in his mind.

Anyways, things are today as they are.

I will try resolving my inner issues… one by one. The current wound first and then the childhood wound.

1) you wrote that you will tell whoever approaches you about your mental state. Can you tell me about your mental state?

I was not very strong then, I easily cried at things and it is right that what I wrote about myself was more of a projection of what my mother and sister said to me than what I felt about myself. The only thing I feel is wrong with me is that I have a very strong fear of being left alone in life and when I started living on my own I realized that I am alright but loneliness haunts me on weekends especially due to rising cases in India, we work from Home.

2) What is your understanding of those two episodes you described (#1 and 2 above)? Did you see a doctor/ a psychiatrist regarding those episodes?

I just wanted to be left alone, I can’t stand loud arguments and physical fights which often happen at home since my sister indulges physically a lot- she would through things around and hit people around when angry. Also, I often find that nobody listens entirely yet are quick to form conclusions because of which they come at me if anything is wrong anywhere in the house.

3) Did you have such episodes outside your family home, with a boyfriend/ others?

I seldom get angry. I have had no other episodes with anyone else.

4) Do you still drink to access at times, sitting on top of an underground subway, drunk?

I drink yes but with friends or when I need to cry and speak out since I talk out to the universe even if I have nobody around. I am not a regular drinker. It was just that few weeks or a month in Dec. 2019 . Even then I used to drink and sit alone quietly because I knew I could talk to nobody about my relationship issues or how I felt in college( alone).

5) You wrote regarding the second episode: “I realised this will only become worse, never going to be okay. I am damned for life now”- what did you mean by becoming worse, and by you being damned for life?

I felt that the episodes will continue and my temper will go out of bounds but it didn’t. I actually felt I was crazy then, I realized with time that I wasn’t. That time I and my sister shared a room and she often lashed out especially at nights and I felt horrible. Then one day in September he texted my sister again after 2 years, then she hit me at night when I was asleep. It was the last limit for me and I left the room at 3 am and slept in the hall(I was awake but I just sat there, I had an interview in the morning). I was adamant, no matter what I need another place to sleep and work. I cleaned a spare room on the terrace the following day and shifted there. slowly cleaned the toilet and made the room my safe space. I lived there till I moved out. I will have to go home for her wedding, it is not something I can choose not to do. It is customary in Indian Families for siblings to be present for sibling’s weddings. But I feel at ease because I know I have my room. She did want that room when it was cleaned properly but I told my parents that I want only one thing for now- my own room- do not give this away too. They realized that it was important and asked her to be content in hers. So, I am fine now. Just the fear remains as it is a long-timed, deep-rooted fear.

Hi Anita! You are right. Recently, I gave up on this. His addictions- it just doesn’t stop. Once it is drinking, it is smoking, it is porn, it is masturbation. Anything, absolutely anything that he can put his mind off things, our things. He is a good person but there are issues. There were never issues between us- we understood one another well but these addictions were always the bone of contention. They used to leave our lives and few days we would be happy, no worries at all, and then my sister would reappear or these addictions would. I often told him, the connection between us is very good but it makes me sad that each time there comes even a slight bit of romance there, something or the other happens.

Anyways, 2.5 years is a long time in my eyes and it is enough. I always felt that addictions are things that could be fixed but later I understood that because they gave him comfort, maybe he did not want to leave them. And saying this that I should marry by my parents’ choice was the last straw. I could not believe he was the same person that I was talking to even a month back. He had come to visit me on his family’s persuasion as they want things to be good between us as he denies going out with other women.

That one week he stayed, the moment he met me- apart from an anxiety attack that he felt he did wrong by coming because my sister will never let us be and he did not want to hurt me more. It vanished however when we spent time. We were so happy. We decided to be together and fix things in our own lives so that when my sister is married, we can talk about marriage to our parents.

Things changed in a week after he left, he left my city and met his childhood friends and god knows what went on in his head. He was like this isn’t right and started the same cycle again. But I was tired now.

I told him then itself, its time we split. I cannot take this stress anymore. I can’t convince someone that they love me especially when they just say but don’t reflect in their actions.

moving ahead. Please be with me. I feel really alone these days.

I will make efforts, to be okay. To be better. I seem to be okay on my own but I just wish I hadn’t met this guy. I don’t know why i meet people who don’t want to stay. I still want to love someone before I decide to marry them but I am so scared.

We did get back. Both of us could not leave the relationship and kept coming back to one another. He even approached my sister with the intention of convincing her in August and things got so bad that he had an anxiety attack when he met me next.

Both of us got damaged. I did some online reading which said the masturbation habit could have happened because got addicted to the happy feeling one feels during orgasm. He wasn’t an addict earlier, it became worse during lockdown… especially after November. He says he is scared of marrying anyone now. It’s not me, he doesn’t want to get married at all is what he says. But kept coming back to me because he said he felt like he could never like anyone else the way he liked me.

Thanks for listening to me Anita, I am trying to focus more on work so that I think less of this, obviously, it doesn’t work but trying hard it would.

I suggested him to talk to you multiple times ’cause you are able to find answers to the problem within the description of the problem but he chose offline therapy sessions over online therapy and he wasn’t satisfied with it. Said I felt nothing felt clear even after talking to the counselor. I still wish him to be healthy and happy. He is a good man.

1. I kept thinking again and again about it. I realized few things. Here when i used “my love for drama” he has said this but I agreed for it because I was seeking forgiveness for anything that I did and if this was something which he considered my problem i better apologise for it.

But I realized meaning of drama in all this- Saying or doing things I don’t mean. Like i used to often tell him during fights to just leave me alone when he couldn’t understand my point of view. I think this was drama. I wanted him there and understand no matter how many tries it took to understand.

2.”How acc. to
my own blood, I am planning day and night another dramatic
stint to disturb other people’s lives and how I enjoy the
mental trauma others go through by fighting.” I meant my sister thinks this.  My sister often tells me this but the day he said that I love drama, I felt maybe she is right too and so I said this. Although this isn’t true. How can anybody plan their actions, I mean who has that kind of time?

The hitting myself thing I just wanted everyone to stop and leave me alone. My sister keeps complaining about me, every time I see her alone with one of my parents, I hear her talking about me- How I am not as I seem I am and how I am a very convoluted person. Soon even when I was sitting in the room She will start complaining about how I don’t do anything in the house. The thing is I have online classes of my MBA degree and a research paper to write alongside one diploma and one Masters in Arts going on. So I am in my room all day doing all of that and when I know that she and I can’t be in the same place for long I started being alone with my books and laptop in another room away from them all. This was an opportunity for her to speak about me all the time to my mum and father(papa). So whenever she is complaining, I keep quiet, both my parents as well because if I speak, it turns into a full-fledged fight and that they don’t want.

The first day as well, I just wanted her to keep quiet. when she went overboard I started screaming, I screamed for her to stop talking first then just to leave me alone. And then I don’t know what got over me, I was just tired that day it was too much but after the incident she told my mother again how I had created drama to gain sympathy.

I let it go and then she again does the next day. As if she is doing so much. I am acting like a child, ain’t I?

The second day as well, it was her again. She doesn’t know when to stop and my mind explodes and these days unlike like before I am not able to tolerate the nonsense and I act out, It is not to gain attention. Trust me Anita, without trying I get plenty of that, I am not an extrovert and so it is often unwelcome.  Even in my MBA school in the beginning of the programme they ask students to take a psychometric and analytical ability tests, i scored well. They have a policy to take such students for student councils. Although since I have done this Council and being the President thing during my bachelors and I hate the politics behind it all. It made me really weary of people and I had decided not to do it again here but When I declined the council post, my college’s director told me either there is no option of No, there is only Yes because as a manager you cannot decline the decisions of the management, With no choice left I continued, but obviously there are many who think that they can do it better than me. I even invited them plain and simple to do it and I will resign but all they do is complain and nothing else. I slowly started being alone, eating alone( all three meals), spending my evenings alone, sat in class alone and I think it has made me less tolerant with people. I am not able to listen to people complaining for a long time.

I am complaining again. I shouldn’t.

I think I agree with you. But I don’t even get to know if i have created some kind of Drama. I want to be normal as well- I cannot vouch for my ex anymore, but this guy …so much has happened with so many mistakes on both ends yet I am telling you he is a very good person. I want to be normal and not Destroy my happiness and other’s happiness. That will be the last thing I want, I am not enjoying it, not with him, not with others. I want to change, please help me. I don’t want anyone to remember me this way later in their lives. I don’t know when and what exactly I do that creates drama and I thought perhaps it’s my poor anger management. Please help me understand this. Please help me change.