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Ik09

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  • December 23, 2018 at 6:43 am in reply to: Is taking a 'break' okay? #270547
    Ik09
    Participant

    Yes Anita…. I will write and I hope someone going through a bad time reads this and it helps them….

    Sometimes in loving people, we put them before us. I have done that a lot in my life and it never worked in a positive direction for me. Because as human beings we create a dependency on another person … Not that it’s a problem but sometimes we forget to give back and only take. This happened to me a lot… Before this forum…. I used to write self letters….which only had my problems written…and ill formed suggestions with only person’s perspective on it… My own… I used to delete them too… From my personal laptop because I was afraid if someone ever read them they would know I am weak. I wanted to be this person everyone thinks is super strong, can handle anything and solve anyone’s problems…. People have always come to me for suggestions and I felt good because of it….till I realised that sadness as well as happiness is contagious….and one should only handle the amount that doesn’t affect them….

    December 20, 2018 at 8:16 am in reply to: Is taking a 'break' okay? #270169
    Ik09
    Participant

    You are absolutely right…. Everytime my sister was wrong in anything she does and everytime my parents tried to scold her to correct her… He always shielded her… Sadly he isn’t amongst us anymore but the influence on her  is still there…. My sister does not quite adjust with people… And I personally don’t comment on her life but she has hurt me and my parents many times by her harsh words and deeds… I seldom ask her to review my stories now… She used to break my confidence everytime I asked her advice on them…. I am pretty much okay for now… It helped that you patiently read and replied… I am much more confident and clear now… I will post when I am restless… But the only thing that bothers me is my relationship with her and it affecting other relations of my life as well…. However I will not be impatient… My impatience makes me cranky…hehe.. hopefully she will come around… If not… Then there isn’t much I can do…. I have to live my life now… Can’t wait till others give their clearance hehe…

    You have so much patience and love inside you Anita… I am in awe…as I already said before… I will post again when I feel like talking to you <3

    And thank you so much… Your words made me very happy and I feel that I am succeeding at being a good person…at least a little bit… 🙂

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Ik09.
    December 20, 2018 at 7:49 am in reply to: Is taking a 'break' okay? #270155
    Ik09
    Participant

    Point 6: i have always been afraid to show people my weak side… I like being the one others can depend on….and in being that way… Now if ever i feel weak… I find others don’t have the patience to listen to me…. At first i thought they are being selfish until I realised that I made them get into the habit of being dependent on me… I should have normal healthy friendships and relationships where it’s mutual…. And I am trying being myself infront of people…. Amongst others with my closest friends… I seldom try to act all strong and mighty…also with the guy….(by the way he confessed be used to do the same thing…act all macho and the alpha male… I made him understand that he need not convince others….if he is happy inside… People will automatically see him as a strong person) and that is when I realised about me and my mistakes as well. So even with the guy, I have been 100% me till now… Not the pretentious me but the a little scared me who can be extremely brave when I have to protect someone… The me who craves for love but is also afraid of being hurt… The normal everyday girl me… Instead of hiding behind the persona I created.

     

    I have never said these things aloud or written them down too. Hehe.. I feel good though writing it down.

    December 20, 2018 at 7:40 am in reply to: Is taking a 'break' okay? #270145
    Ik09
    Participant

    I would love it very much to discuss all you have pointed out… I was going to write an elaborate note again…but I had my exam today… An entrance exam… I did well… So I will take up the task I postponed yesterday…

    You are right about all the points… I have always felt that it would take me time to stand on my own feet but I will…for sure and do very well for myself… But love…as you said…is a feeling everyone wants… Specially the kind of love where each of you make each other better people by motivating to be better… I cannot believe how changed a feel from the person who wrote the last thread and the person writing this one…. Not saying that I have become really mature or something but I just am able to see things more clearly…

    You wouldn’t believe but I don’t believe in fate in my life generally but you can’t really predict the other person…your partner ..so love was one sphere I really believed in fate…now I have realised it’s not fate….any relationship has the potential to be the best, it’s only our situations and how much efforts we are willing to put in understand and support each other. This fate thing also came up from fear…

    You are so right about fear and things it makes us do… I think I have left the best things in life because of my fear… Fear of failure, of displeasing family, of being ridiculed…. Yet again… I would have given up on my current feelings as well… Because of the situation at my home…. My sister disapproves… My parents don’t disapprove but they don’t support as well…since I am without a job still… It’s not a very positive feeling to be around such negativity….. But I decided that I have lived in fear for far too long…. I am actually studying for entrance tests…. It’s a biggie for me… specially because I have been so afraid of exams that I fall ill a day or two before…every time… I have been avoiding them for some years now…

    But now strangely I feel like i am already at rock bottom….i have nothing to lose… If i become Something maybe I will be appreciated, maybe have a great life and will be looked at as an adult finally but..then again… I feel like doing all this for me now… So that I don’t see myself as a coward anymore…at least if I fail, I will understand that I worked hard and then I failed….I didn’t fail without making any efforts…

     

    Sorry for digressing…

    The qualities I pointed out…yes more than anything… That is more than being successful and earning a lot….I have always wanted a humble and humane partner…. And since I am out of the bubble now… I think I saw him(my ex) as more caring and loving than he actually was… Somewhere deep inside I knew he wasn’t quite honest with me but I did not want to end the relationship… Because of the fear of being alone… I see that now that I was so unhappy myself that I used to look for happiness in his actions and words.

    The best gift the break up gave me was that I feel like being in my company without overthinking…. I finally feel like a 25 year old than a child crying for love… Yes I do want love, that I can’t give up on….. But I want me first, so that once I am firm on my own, I can support others too.

    Since I am talking about fear… I will tell you something I didn’t say till now…when my ex approached me about 5 months after breaking up…. He wanted to get back together, he told me the reason why he broke up and listening to that I realised that I don’t ever want to be in that relationship again….it’s not about him as a person…it was about the relationship… Remember I told you he wanted me to come to his city where he wanted us to live together… So he said he broke up knowing my fears … He thought I would be afraid and come immediately to meet him… discuss what was going wrong and then he would patch up and live with me… It was then that I realised how weak I had been…dependent emotionally… And although there comes a point in your relationship where you can emotionally depend on your partner…but it should be only when it’s both ways… I didn’t see the break up coming because as you pointed out… I hadn’t spent enough time with him, seen his various faces before realising that I wanted him in my life…. I understand that now…

     

    With the current guy…more than anything else… I liked how he thought about others before him…. Because I always do the same… People laugh at me calling me stupid because I do so…but it doesn’t bother me… I like seeing other happy… I am a happiness and high energy, high vibe vampire…hahaha… I become happy being around energetic crowd…

     

    I am saying too much…. I really like talking to you Anita… And I will keep exchanging these texts… You can take your time…. I understand you must be busy… Text me whenever you find time…and I will reply back… Not instantly if I am away from my computer but I will. 😀

    December 19, 2018 at 11:35 am in reply to: Is taking a 'break' okay? #270031
    Ik09
    Participant

    You too…. Take care Anita.. i will try not to think. Will wait for you.

    December 19, 2018 at 11:19 am in reply to: Is taking a 'break' okay? #270023
    Ik09
    Participant

    Everytime….yes…i apologise to her every time… because i feel someone has to(we are siblings after all) and i know she wouldn’t…

     

    My sister is 5 years older than me..

     

    What you are saying…is something I have felt too but I dared not say it aloud… It didn’t seem right on my part to think that way.

    December 19, 2018 at 10:36 am in reply to: Is taking a 'break' okay? #270011
    Ik09
    Participant

    I was actually sent to stay with her by my parents because they felt that she needs some emotional support for now… And since my parents were not available to travel so they sent me with her. I was sceptical about going because our stays have never ended well but I was worried about her as well. Cancellation of a marriage can cause a  huge emotional breakdown and so I encouraged the vacation… although I wanted only the two of us on the vacation…I thought maybe it will bring us closer… And it did… But also made me closer to him.

    December 19, 2018 at 10:32 am in reply to: Is taking a 'break' okay? #270009
    Ik09
    Participant

    I am am Indian girl…and although I belong to a well educated family but still…my late paternal grandfather was not very receptive to a second girl child in my family….he wanted my parents to give me up for adoption….there was a lot of stress so my mother requested my maternal grandmother to keep me… I stayed there till I was 5-6 years old…. My maternal uncle and aunt hadn’t been blessed by a child then so they decided to adopt me…but then for some reason they changed their my mind later… A year later… My parents were able to convince my paternal grandfather to bring me back home and he agreed…

    All through my childhood, I worked hard just to prove that I am worthy. Now I realise how weak it made me from within…

    My sister wasn’t very good at academics so she was always compared to me… She hated it and slowly it made her feel that I purposely try being better than her… The constant comparison is in my eyes the main reason for the stiffness between us….

    My sister was supposed to be married but things went wrong…. She is single for now. Even then, she was the one to decide that we shouldnt talk since we are very different people and our opinions don’t match…. And now…she blocked me…said she does not consider me her sister anymore… I told her… I know I am not wrong and so… I will not block her or see her differently.

    December 19, 2018 at 10:03 am in reply to: Is taking a 'break' okay? #269993
    Ik09
    Participant

    Firstly, thank you so much Anita… You are actually very kind to read and really understand everything. I feel reassured that I will be okay when I talk to you.

    Okay, so yes… When my sister met my ex… She approved at first… They even exchanged texts and told him that she approved as well but when the break up happened, she totally went back on her words…much like this time.

     

    Her actual motivation behind all this…I don’t know but from what she has been telling me she says she feels she needs to look out for me. We have had disputes over this as well but the thing is…my sister never discusses anything…it’s always she speaking her mind and then walking off.

    Not just my sister…for a long time in my life…i needed approval of my entire family..my two siblings and my patents… And i was easily hurt too by their words…but there has been a change in me ever since i met this guy… He did not ask me to be against any of them… Instead he cares more than I do… But I finally don’t require her approval… I don’t. But he feels he wronged her as a frien by not telling her in advance that he wanted to pursue her sister…. Currently they don’t talk…my sister has blocked both of us on all social media… And there is no communication between me and my sister or him and her.

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Ik09.
    December 18, 2018 at 7:57 pm in reply to: Is taking a 'break' okay? #269923
    Ik09
    Participant

    I wilI patiently wait Anita and to others, you are welcome to help me out as well…will be a great help.

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Ik09.
    December 18, 2018 at 11:43 am in reply to: Is taking a 'break' okay? #269879
    Ik09
    Participant

    also, It was 7 months when I started dating, now it’s been 9 and a half months… I have been dating my current guy for 2 and a half months.

    November 25, 2018 at 10:41 pm in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #248577
    Ik09
    Participant

    I understand that people can be in love so see that it messes with their entire being but seeing your posts so often, every now and then….it seems you don’t need a woman in your life, you need a person to take care of you like a nanny or a mother ….

    If it’s love, you would improve as a person with her love… If there is deterioration in your mental state just because you feel you are in love with someone, I think it wasn’t love at all…

    Furthermore, unless you let your mind go to other things, obviously she will be weighing on your mind day in and day out… A grown man like you need not sigh like a teenager over some girl. There should be some level of maturity in how you handle things like make some goals for yourself- in next two months, I would not think of her, in next four months I will forget her existence, further six months down the line, see yourself anew.

     

    Take care

    June 4, 2018 at 7:10 am in reply to: very confused-new girlfriend, ex-girlfrend. Help me please #210657
    Ik09
    Participant

    Hello John, I have been following your thread for a long time now but since Anita and Brandy were giving you the insight you needed I had no reason to speak up.

     

    In this time my ex contacted me in a similar manner yours did…. And after a day or two of short conversations I realised two things-

    Exes have no commitment to their own actions…they text but they don’t follow up on their action….

    Secondly I was somewhere deep down thinking that he loved me(which he said he does even now) but the reason for the breakup was not because he wanted to go but the circumstances….This is exactly what you are doing too… Thinking that things went wrong…you two were perfect. WRONG.!

     

    They made a conscious decision to remove us from their life, whatever stupid reason was at play in their mind… Everything else apart from you is the same…their family,their ambitions, children, everything else is in its place.

     

    This means maybe this person was not meant to be in your life. This means? There is still hope for a better and stronger person coming into your life who will excite you to the core and make you forget past pain.

    Life is hard only till we let it be so. I had hard time moving on and maybe I am not fully over everything but I make concious efforts everyday and that makes me believe that I am moving forward.

    Some people are meant to come but if they don’t stay…. Then it means your paths are different. The person who actually shares your life with you, accepts you for who you are without changing you… Will not walk away.  So maybe your bond was not as strong as you thought it was.

    There is a timeline for everything. This was it for both of you. If ever she comes into your life again then it will not be the same relationship…. It will be two new people meeting again. And I think that is what it should be. You focusing on yourself making yourself John 2.0….. not to attract someone but just so that you are no more disappointed in yourself enough to want a girl to give your life some worth.

    What do you think about this?

     

    The thought of him leaving me consciously first made me angry but eventually made me understand things as they were minus the drama and the romanticism.

    May 25, 2018 at 9:57 am in reply to: I don't know what to do with myself #209379
    Ik09
    Participant

    You are right. Maybe avoiding the pain makes it a big deal, embracing it will lessen the blow.

    I will see your words again whenever I doubt myself again.

    Thank you once again.

    I will pray for your health and happiness. Thank you

    May 25, 2018 at 8:49 am in reply to: I don't know what to do with myself #209369
    Ik09
    Participant

    You are right Anita and yet again I was expecting to see my happiness through their happiness. But then How does one stop expecting. I really want them to be happy. I am not a hermit so obviously, I do miss the guy I still love, but due to my aspirations towards the smiles of my parents and my siblings I get past the hurt and focus on them. But then when I fail in my attempts, It brings back all the hurt and all past pain… all at once.

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