Hi JHK,

Why do people ghost their dates or someone they are seeing?

Because it’s easier than trying to explain why they don’t want to see them or talk to them anymore. Because they don’t want to deal with the fall out and it’s just easier to walk away.

Does it hurt as much as being rejected?

Well I think it’s about the same. It’s still a rejection. It depends on whether it’s someone close, or someone more distant as to how much it hurts. Different in different situations.

Do people ghost their friends?

Not usually, unless there’s been a big disagreement over something. In which case, the people ghosting their friends are not their friends anymore.

Ghosting is a modern thing. To be ghosted is to be ignored, and not spoken to anymore, by the person doing the ghosting.  Usually on line or through texts…

Before the advent of online dating sites and media communication, people just turned their backs and stopped speaking to that person. Which is exactly the same as not communicating through media.

There are just more ways these days to turn your back and ignore someone.

Have a look at the Wikipedia definition of ghosting.

best wishes,

Jay

Hi Toni,

I agree with both Anita and Inky’s comments.

He’s not going to ever change, is he? He’s only capable of sustaining the effort for a very short time, and once he has you back in thrall to him, he doesn’t need to make the effort any more. He’s also a hypocrite – it’s nothing of note for him to long term cheat on you, but a one night stand on your part is a major transgression!  And I truly believe that you wouldn’t have had that one night stand if you hadn’t been feeling so neglected and starved of affection.

There’s only one question you have to ask yourself here: Do you want this to be the story of your life? There are a lot of women out there who believe the promises and the lies and hope, and hope, and carry on hoping… that the person manipulating them like this will change. Only if the person doing the manipulation can see that THEY have a problem, and get professional help to overcome what is basically a personality fault, they will never change.

Ace manipulators do what works for them. Your manipulator promises this, then that, and each time it happens, you get a little bit wiser to the fact that it’s not going to happen, the circle continues, and so the manipulator has to up the game every time you get to the same point – which he did by asking you to marry him. Each time you get a bit wiser to his games, he ups the game and throws another titbit to you to give you hope that he is going to change.

He told me that if I break up with him, he would turn his back and never chase me again. And I said okay, because that’s exactly what I wanted. He did the opposite and made it clear that he wasn’t going to just let me walk away.

So he says one thing and then does another. If one threat doesn’t work, he tries another. And this will continue as long as you let him do it.

Get out of there. This man doesn’t love you.

best wishes for your happiness with the new bf. If you have to wait two months before you can be free of the lease on the property, and this man’s threats, broken promises and all the rest of it, just bide your time, be silent, make your plans and move out as soon as it’s possible.

Hi, Curiousknowledgeseeker,

Oh it’s so tough when you have this situation in families. ((((hugs))))

Comfort yourself with the knowledge that you are not the only one!

You are never going to get on with certain people, no matter how hard you try. It sounds to me like you’ve given it a fair try.

At the same time, the problems with his family have become a focus of our lives since the time I have been attempting to change the relationship dynamics with his family, with little success. It has only increased our fights, disharmony and caused anxiety in me.

So stop trying? Admit to yourself and possibly those family members that you are never going to get on, you are never going to see eye-to-eye and give up trying. Try not to feel guilty because it sounds to me like you have done your very best to get on with them. And this is at the expense of your immediate family and your relationship with your husband.

Take a step back, away from them, in your mind, and disassociate yourself on that deeper level you are trying to achieve with them. Try to simply treat them as occasional friends, people that you catch up with occasionally.

I think you’re trying too hard to treat them as you would your own family, when that isn’t going to work.

Who knows, if you can detach and stop trying so hard, maybe they will make more effort to be nice to you. It’s a two way thing. You might be doing your best to get along with them, but it goes both ways. They should be making some attempt at getting along with you. At the moment, they don’t really have to make any effort, do they?

The above suggestions are just something you might like to think about.

Now my husband & I clearly explained to my in laws & my sil that it would be best for her to come on a separate time, so we can host each of them well. But they came back asking us to reconsider as mil doesn’t want to see my sil’s mother in law. We are kinda stuck at this moment & haven’t made a decision. Would love your inputs on this . Thanks.. sorry, another issue is a focus now & that my life is a mess!

Stick to your original decision, my friend. It’s not your problem that your mil doesn’t want to see sil’s mil. That’s their problem, not yours. They are forcing you to take sides, to put yourself to considerable trouble and all to accommodate their own wishes. I find this incredibly selfish of them and I think you are doing well to even consider doing something like this.

with best wishes,

Jay

Dear Gregory,

It really sounds to me as though your wife is not ready to be a woman. She is still a child, even though she has a child herself. She does not want to accept the adult version of life. She is rebelling, just like a teenager, against fitting into a pattern. That is her problem, not yours. You cannot make her simply ‘grow up’ it’s something she has to decide to do herself. And that looks to be unlikely at any point in the near future.

Your list above is pretty comprehensive. At post 271945… Do you really want this woman in your life? So you want someone who cheats, lies and generally behaves as though she isn’t married? Someone who doesn’t even acknowledge that she has a child and adult responsibilities? Someone you say does not love you.

Is it simply a case that you can’t let go, even though your answer above is telling me you should. You have custody of your son, and you really need to make your son the No. 1 person in your life. Put your son first.

In your situation, I would get on with my own life. Look after yourself and your son. Get back to your training and qualify, so that you can make a good life for yourself and your son.

With best wishes,

Jay

Dear Bwakebulleo,

Have you ever met this guy in person? Face to face?

Like Anita says above, why wait if the ‘relationship’ is a troubled one? I use the quotation marks for ‘relationship’ for a good reason here. All you have, in reality (assuming you have never met in person) is a virtual relationship. It’s a relationship of sorts, an on-line friendship maybe, but it can never replace a closer relationship with someone you have met face to face.

with best wishes

Jay

Dear CJ,

Is it absolutely and for sure you have found your birth mother, because I’ve read of several cases where the DNA results alone could only point to first and second cousins… and only from there, these people found their genetic parents. Have you double checked with a different company?

Even if this is 100% certain, I also think that what Anita and Mark have said is absolutely right. They have no claim on you, and it sounds like they are simply trying to use you. I’ve never heard the like! Frankly, I wouldn’t give people who wanted from you what they seem to want from you a moment more of my time. You would only dig yourself into a deeper hole if you tried to give them an explanation, because then you open up more lines of communication with them, which would lead to further harassment and persuasion. I think you were right to ghost them, and in your position I would have done exactly the same thing.

I have also been a carer for both of my parents in the past. It leaves a big gap in your life when they are gone, or someone else has to care for them because you can no longer do the job, as happened to me. For a long time, your adoptive parents took your life away from you and you had to live theirs, whether out of a sense of duty or simply because that was the way it had to be.

You are free now to live your own life. It takes some time to get out of that role of caregiving. And you deserve a life!

Don’t be seduced back into that role for one moment with this ‘newly found’ family. Like Anita and Mark have said, they are not only opportunists, but toxic. Decent people wouldn’t ask that of anyone! You say there is something there that is making you feel uncomfortable, listen to that inner voice. It’s your inbuilt intuition and gut instinct for avoiding danger that is telling you there is something wrong there.

Give yourself permission to live your own life – love your immediate family – your children, your husband –  go out, make friends, go to social events, join a club, take up a new hobby. Live your life for yourself now.

with best wishes

Jay

Hi Jessica,

The following may or may not apply to your situation, but I have come across people who expect and demand to be looked after all their lives. I used to have a female friend who stated, ‘that’s what men are for’. She meant to be used, to expect them to pay for everything, and look after them just as though they were parenting her. She would often say, about her partners. ‘they are supposed to look after me’.

To make someone else responsible for every aspect of your life, and therefore your happiness, is so incredibly distressing to the other person in a relationship. The friend I mentioned above never had a relationship lasting more than a few years. Her expectations simply put too much pressure on her partners for them to cope with after a while.

I’m not saying that this is the case with you yourself, because simply asking the questions and acknowledging the answers means you know that something is not quite right with your expectations of others and you are taking huge steps to get yourself to be more independent. I’m just simply asking you to consider whether you are actually trying to make others responsible for your own happiness, when really, happiness comes from within ourselves.

I thought long and hard about whether to write this post, as, like I pointed out, I don’t think this is the case with you. I just thought I would mention it, as it’s often the case with over-protective and babying parents that their offspring expect the same from others as they get from their parents, and see others as their only route to happiness.

with best wishes

Jay