I’m not quite sure what out of his league might be from what you have written however, something that I always work with my clients on is becoming the type of person that you would want to date. That is the key to attracting and being attracted to who you wish to have in your life. Make the changes necessary in your own life to be in his “league”.

~Jodi

My question would be, what has changed for either of you other than you apologized? Does she still want something different than you do or have one or both of your changed your mind? If nothing has changed and you still want different things then trying again may just prolong the inevitable breakup. A conversation about these things is in order for you to know how to proceed.

Best of luck!
~Jodi

• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Jodi.

One thing that has worked for others in similar situations as yours is focusing on just getting to know people as friends. Rather than trying to get to know them or talk to them in a romantic sense, just talk to them as though you only want to be friends with them. Get to know them for who they are are. Getting to know the real person will help curb the obsession over your fantasy version of them.

Best of luck!
~Jodi

The first thing that came to mind when I read your story was “if we don’t control our thoughts, they will control us” (can’t remember who said it, but it’s a great quote) If you are ruminating on a past love that didn’t work, that means you are not past it and even if your new love is perfect for you, you may not be able to see it or be available for an authentic relationship with him. Practices such as meditation and journaling can help with the rumination. Coaching may also help you to work through your feelings and thoughts about your past relationship so you can show up fully in the one you have now. If you don’t work this out, you will continue to have this issue with every new relationship you have. Best to deal with it now and be done with it. Best of luck!
~Jodi

One place to start is to get really clear about what exactly you are looking for. (Dating, relationship, casual sex, etc). Also ask yourself what you are afraid of by putting yourself back out there. Many times our fears are not as real as they seem in our head. How realistic is your fear and where does it stem from? You’ll also need to determine if you have thoughts and behaviors that are keeping you stuck and once those are identified, work on overcoming those and dealing with them. I would suggest working through some of these things before jumping back in so that you don’t create more frustration and fear for yourself around the idea of dating. Perhaps a coach or therapist can help get you on the right track and moving towards your goals. Best of luck!

~Jodi

I agree with Anita, that the “hopeless romantic” persona is not serving you very well. Rather than looking for love in so many that you befriend, what if you sat down and got really clear about exactly what you are looking for in a partner? So many times people who are hopeless romantics put off the vibe to potential dates that they are desperate and are simply looking for a name for the girlfriend/boyfriend blank space. That will scare people off every time. Perhaps take some time off from dating and get very clear about your wants and needs. Also look at thoughts and behaviors that may be holding you back and begin addressing those. Find a good coach that can help you work through the process and give yourself some time to figure it all out.

Best of luck!

~Jodi

• This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Jodi.

It is difficult to be friends after a breakup even in the best of circumstances. However, I think the issue here is that because you care about her you are still trying to “help”. Your ex may not be able to accept help from you. There are five major stages of change and it sounds like she is either in the contemplation stage or the preparation stage, both of which happen before change actually occurs. At that point she is not ready for anyone’s help least of all yours. If you do extend your hand in friendship, do just that, just be her friend and let her find her own way. That may mean a lot of nodding and smiling and not helping on your part, but at this point that may be all she can accept. However, make sure that you are able to be her friend without it adversely affecting you as well. You can always choose to be “friendly” instead, meaning that you exchange pleasantries in the hall at work but you don’t really hang out or chat. Best of luck!

~Jodi

It sounds like you found a first rate narcissist. His being overly critical and manipulative and then blaming you and siting his friends opinions that you are the reasons things went downhill are classic signs. He ticks off most of the boxes here. Narcissists do not change because the personality itself doesn’t allow them to even see the need to change. Nothing is ever their fault, so why should they? For your own sanity, move on and find someone who has the capacity to be in a relationship with you. Best of luck!

~Jodi