Hi Dreaming715,

Yes, this is very tough, the fear of abandonment and rejection. It caused me so much trauma in my childhood, I doubt sometimes, I will get completely “cured” from it, even with the help from a therapist. I have repressed so much..the wounds too deep. I sometimes wonder, if I even belong in a relationship, I have been alone for a long time and seem to have less anxiety being alone than in a relationship and all the complications.

Have things gotten any better with your boyfriend? Feel free to post anytime. Thank you for sharing.

Hi Drew,

I am a little confused, who was it that abused you? Was it your Dad’s wife, or her daughter? I’m sorry for any confusion on my part, I just want to make sure I am understanding correctly.

TYour Father States he wants a better relationship with you. A better relationship includes trust, openness and honesty. You have to be willing to trust him to be honest and open with him and vice versa in a loving way. If there is no trust, or you are afraid to approach someone on an issue regarding physical abuse without fear of shame, their can be no relationship. I would open up to your father about everything. If he gets defensive or angry, just say “I’m sorry, I thought you wanted a better relationship with me, I was hoping we could have a trusting and loving conversation about something so upsetting for me”. If he gets angry or defensive, he does not want a “better relationship” keep us posted.

Hi Apples333,

I’m so excited to hear about your solo trip! There is nothing like it. When I lived in Seattle, I went for a two week vacation to Maui by myself. I invited friends, but everyone has to work, or had boyfriends, or other obligations, so I went alone. I had the time of my life. I went on Blue Hawaiian Helicopters, which the pilot recorded, and I ended up going with a couple and their little girl, and afterward, they took me out to a nice lunch.

I went to this gorgeous hotel that was just built. I ended up meeting the bastketball player (I forgot his name), but he played for the Chicago Bulls, I want to say Rodney? He was somewhat of a goofball and clown, had tatoos and yellow hair, but in person, he’s actually, very sweet and he gave me his autograph. I met him at the Tsunami Nightclub. I went everywhere alone and had a blast. I even dined alone at a floating restaurant, and took a road trip to La Haina, and went to “Cheeseburgers in Paradise, and Hard Rock Cafe, and went snorkeling on a glass bottom boat. Best time of my life. I hope you have a wonderful time too.

Hi Kaylon,

I would cut off all contact with him. It is violation of code of conduct for a Professor to be engaged with any student, other than the purpose of a classroom setting. If he is tenured professor and “found out” he could lose his job and reputation. If he is lonely, there are alot of things he can do without engaging with his students.

Please change your number. Tell him firmly you do not want this to continue. If he approaches you before or after class, politely excuse yourself and say there is somewhere you have to be. Don’t have any interaction, such as texting, personal talk, sharing of pictures with him. If he wants to show you a picture, just politely decline and say you have to be somewhere. Soon he will get the hint, but please have your phone number changed.

Hi Apples333,

I was seeing how you are doing? Are you feeling any better? Feel free to post anytime.

Hi Wyn,

You can learn to like and even love yourself. Is there any way you can get out a peice of paper out? In a column write down things that people have said to you..a compliment. I am sure over your lifetime, you have had several compliments. Has anyone told you you have a nice smile? Write that down. A good listener? Write that down. Are you a good friend? Write that down? Are you musical, creative, any kind of compliment that you have received, write it down. Write down all those compliments, put them on sticky notes, and put them around your house/apartment where you can see them everyday. I do this. I have some on my bathroom mirror. My therapist had me to this exercise, and I gradually started to love myself.

When you say you have noone, what does that mean? Does that mean, no family?

IOn another column, write down things that excite you. Start off, what excited you, and what you loved doing as a child. I remember, I used to love to draw when I was a child and recently started taking some oil painting classes. What things that you do now makes you excited? Just by writing things down, provides hope and purpose/meaning. We are all here for a reason.

Hi Shell,

1. You are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. Just because your ex is married, may not necessarily mean “he is happy and living the good life” he may be unappy, which is why he may try to pick fights with you. I know you have to see him, but try not to get involved if he is talking to you. You don’t have to have a conversation with him. It’s not your job anymore. Just excuse yourself and act busy, or say you have to be somewhere, just try to limit your interaction with him. Don’t allow him to pick a fight with you. Give him “yes” and “no” remarks. Soon, he will tire and move on to his next victim.

When he starts in on you, don’t get angry. That’s what he wants. Feel sorry for him Instead. Feel sorry that he is such an angry person that he is a bully and picks fights to make him feel better about himself. If he starts in on you, don’t fight back or act angry, that’s what he wants, a reaction from you. Smile and say each time, I’m sorry you are having such a bad day, I hope it gets better. Then walk away. He won’t know what to say, if he says something, you don’t have to answer him. Just say, if you are finished here, I have alot to do today, my friends are waiting for me. You can even insert “my boyfriend”..if he sees you being happy with friends and a boyfriend, he won’t feel the need to put you down. Just keep acting happy around him, like you have places to go, people to see and you are having the time of your life. If he sees you sad and acting lonely, he will pick on you, bullies pick on the weak and lonely. Be and act like the strong and popular.

You can’t predict the future. Just because you don’t have a man in your life right now, does not mean you won’t in the future. Have hope for better things. Visualise what it is you want, it will happen, do this everyday. Go out, and try to get out of your head, this will take you out of the rut you are in, and negative thinking. Think and be grateful if all the things you do have. Join an online dating service, a support group, a singles dance. Go for a walk in a dog park, so many nice men walk their dogs. Ask someone if you can walk their dog. Volunteer to help others. That is the best way to make you feel better about yourself. Volunteer at your local soup kitchen, church, animal shelter/sanctuary. Join a book club, volunteer at your city’s welcome tourist center. Join the YMCA. So many things you can do. You can be happy being alone. Many people are single and very happy. You won’t be “alone forever”. Love you for who you are now, and do what you love and men will gravitate toward you. Keep us posted.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Eliana.