Hi Dreaming715,

Please don’t be too hard for still thinking about your ex-fiance. It takes a long time. Some people it takes 6 months, (how they do that, I don’t know, it’s like they go from rebound relationship to rebound relationship, which can’t be healthy) others it takes a year, others it takes 3 years, me..well it took me almost four years to get over my first love. And another 4 years to get over a man I fell very much in love with back in 1997.

Even though, we no longer long, for that person anymore, it’s the memories that make it so difficult to move on. These are memories of when times were simpler, when you were happy and in love, you had your life and future invested with this man, you even bought a dog together, then suddenly, it all goes away, leaving you in shock. That takes in itself a very long time to get over. You think about all the wonderful life events with this man, saw a future with him, it is natural to go through the grieving process you are going through.

So many people try to fight or suppress these thoughts, but that is the worst thing you can do, it’s like telling your brain not to think about a pink elephant for 15 seconds, our brains are naturally going to think about the pink elephant. Just like you will think about all the wonderful memories shared with this man, the “what could have been” the “what could I have done better” the “if only”. These are only thoughts. If they start to overwhelm you, write it down on a piece of paper before you go to bed, or write it to him (but don’t mail it). You will find that one day, you will wake up not thinking about it anymore. Just be patient, it will come. Just know they are just thoughts, and they will disappear along with the emotion, usually in about 15 seconds.

As far as the man right now, he seems a little confused about relationships, an emotional connection, and it makes you feel a little isolated and lonely in the relationship. That is nnormal, but after a year, I think he should be referring to you as a couple, and you are right, a year is an awfully long time to introduce you to his parents. I would have a talk with him, ask him if he sees a future with you. Maybe he is not ready for a commited relationship at this time or gun shy because of his past. But I would sit down with him and tell him how it makes you feel when he does not include you as part of a couple and see what he says. Let me know your thoughts and keep us posted.

Okay..I think I’m starting to get the hang of things. Thanks Lori. I apologize for all my confusion.

Hi Smile,

I like your user name. I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s very difficult emotionally and takes a toll to be on again off again several times. I have been there. I think I went back (embarrassed to say) to me ex’s about 4-5 times. I think like you, they took me bback, but each time, I felt more insecure, because they were more distant, the emotional bond wasn’t there anymore, and I finally realized, not only was I making myself miserable, but I did not want a man miserable with me, or feeling sorry for me so he was always taking me back.

I would just have a mature, honest conversation with her. There is no need to get anyone else involved, because it will humiliate her and make her defensive. If she begs you to stay with her, she has co-dependent issues, that she needs to work on. She has to have a foundation of loving herself first, before she is really ready to be a strong independent woman, who is happy with her life, to really be able to love another man.

Right now, she is reaching and clinging to something that is not there, and maybe she thinks of you as her world and her life, and she would be lost and broken without you. When you meet a woman, you want to make sure she has hobbies, a support system, men and women friends, outside interests, a love for herself such as self esteem and not depending solely on a man to make her happy. Like a house, she needs a foundation, Right now, she has none, it’s like someone leaning on a chair and when it tips over, their whole world comes crashing down because they have no foundation to keep them from falling.

It’s best to make a clean break with this woman. You have said you don’t love her, so why prolong your misery, and she is only going to get more hurt hanging on to hurt and idealizing the relationship. Just tell her firmly, that you feel things that have not been working out for quite some time, and it time to end things permanently, and wish her happiness. That’s it. After that, don’t call her, text her, return her calls. Get rid of any momentous or reminders of her, don’t go on her profile page on social media, don’t talk to her friends, just a clean break, don’t take her back, as you are only prolonging hurt and misery. Good luck.

Hi Lara,

I’m so glad you are away from this man, he sounds like he has a lot going on, like he gets off on bringing pain to people. I studied alot about Sociopath getting my psych degree, and he is displaying many of those qualites along with narcissist like you described. I am ccertainly no expert, but I’m so glad you made this decision.

Hi Lara,

I’m sorry, I came to your post late, I just joined a few days ago. I was going to write you a long letter, because I was living with a bnarcissist in 1997, which ended up being the worst break-up I ever had. Here is something he told me one night. “I have everything, you have nothing” and you know what I did? Nothing! Just went to our bedroom, slammed the door and have him the silent treatment, instead of leaving him, I spent that night in a hotel room. 4 awful months later, we had an ahorrendous, break-up. I was so in love, I lived in denial. Stupid me, but I learned from it.

I’m glad to hear you are doing better now, I was worried when I read your posts, and I saw my past in them with him. Keep us posted..and stay strong.