Hi Clueless Carrot,

It’s been five years since you saw this girl and it sounds as if there were problems in the relationship that perhaps you were unaware of.  Just contacting her brought all her pain back and no relationship has been the same since.  She hasn’t dealt with the effect you had on her and perhaps has difficulty trusting new people in the same way.  There is no going back to the way things were.  You might have thought about her constantly and wished you could have turned the clock back but what is done, is done.  Being realistic, the road forward will be very tricky if you two ever get together again.  It takes a long time for trust to rebuild.  Are you ready to commit to this and are you both prepared for the possibility of rejection again?

Peggy

Hi Lisa,

Yes I saw your post.  You never have time for each other.

Peggy

Hi Robert,

I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have been having such an awful time with your wife.  Let me reassure you that this is not your fault.  The problems that your wife has were not caused by you.  They go much deeper than that.  Perhaps something was triggered when you had your second child such as post natal depression.  She probably needed to continue with therapy – blaming you is her way of absolving herself from all responsibility.  The way you describe your feelings towards the domestic violence you have suffered is fairly typical, I think.  Men probably receive less sympathy than a woman might and feels ashamed to admit what has happened.  You were and are the victim of her abuse.  Perhaps you would find it useful to talk to a counselor about this.  She seems to have almost ‘convinced’ you that it’s your fault.

It’s good that you are consulting a lawyer to find out where you stand legally and how your finances can be dealt with.  You need to deal with this one day at a time and also consider whether your children are safe in your wife’s care.  Is it not possible for you to stay with your family until you can establish your own living arrangements?

I hope you can find a way to come to terms with what has happened.

Peggy

Hi Alecsee,

I am wondering at what point you thought things were going great.  You’ve hardly known this person at all yet it seems that she has to justify all her behavior to you.  Are you really communicating with her or are you just talking ‘at’ her.  She keeps you waiting for three or four hours but you are OK with that.  She wants some ‘space’ so you offer her a 24 hr. package.  You had an emotional outburst when she said she wanted time to spend with her friends and herself, then you’re OK with that because you’ve talked.

She’s ended it by saying you’re a nice guy and she hopes you’ll find someone who meets your needs.  She feels that she does not meet your needs.  She’s gone beyond wanting space, she just wants out.

Hear what she is saying – regardless of any problems/ghosts from the past, imagined or otherwise, this woman wants out of the relationship she had with you.  The decent thing to do would be to let her go without making a fuss.  How you deal with your own ghosts is another matter.  You probably need to let them go as well!

Peggy

Hi Udhara,

Thank you for your reply.  Would it help you to know that we all have uncomfortable encounters, get disrespected and even used in some way.  I think you need to work on your self esteem – the way you see yourself.  It is so much easier than you might think.  You list all the good characteristics that you possess and you repeat them over and over again, not just in your head, but take them deep down into your stomach.

“My mind goes to great lengths to tell myself it’s all just a lie, nobody would like me and ones who do have interest in me are there to use me for their selfish agendas.”  This kind of dialogue will keep you stuck in your depression.  What if you were to tell yourself that you are likable and that you choose to give as much as you want to?  How do you think that might affect your health and well being?

If you really “want to wallow in self pity and sadness” then no-one can help you.  If you want to have a happier, more fulfilling life then you need to give up whatever it is that’s preventing this from happening.  It sounds simple, doesn’t it?

I hope, for your own sake, that you choose the latter.

Peggy

Hi K,

Be really pleased with what you have achieved so far.  You are happy with your weight and that is ALL that matters.  Even if there was any truth to this blunt remark, so what?  We nearly all have fluctuations in our weight.  Be happy with who you are.  Don’t let someone’s rudeness stand in the way of your own happiness.  Be Happy!

Peggy

Hi Susy,

Good plan.  Writing and painting are two therapeutic arts so keep doing what feels good.  You know how you feel and ‘friends’ just wasn’t for you.  Keep trusting your gut instincts.

Peggy

Hi Barbara,

It’s good that your boyfriend wants to stay in regular contact with his children and I understand why it might not be appropriate for you to be at their mother’s flat during access periods and why the children would be comfortable in their own surroundings.  I think you need to have further discussions with your boyfriend regarding getting a flat closer to where the children live to help with access arrangements.  Ask him honestly if this is what he wants and if it is, perhaps you could look for somewhere initially.

I think there is room for compromise on this one.  If he has the children one time on his own then I don’t think it is too unreasonable for you to be involved the next time (once every four weeks).  Would it be possible for you to stay in a hotel once a month and go on outings with the children?

I think if you can work out a plan where both of you can have their feelings acknowledged, you will cease to be angry over this.  What do you think?

Peggy