Hi Meg,

Your friend, how you describe her, is definitely showing signs of depression/low self esteem/mental health issues.  She needs expert help to deal with this.  It doesn’t sound as if she is going to take any advice from you.  You could invite her out for coffee/lunch and see how that goes but ultimately you may have to call time on this friendship at least until she has dealt with some of her issues.  (Depressed people frequently want to shut the outside world out so she may not be receptive to this.)

You may have to accept that your life has taken you in different directions, you are not 16 any more and you don’t have the same connection.

Peggy

Hi Bonni-mor,

There seems to be a lot of different issues thrown up in your post, blame is one of them.

He is not satisfied with his sex life so he turns to an ex girlfriend in the hope that she can somehow fix this.  When he is confronted with this he conveniently has you to blame.  Despite your ‘romantic’ life being good? after therapy, he doesn’t desire you sexually.

Sex does not fix a relationship.  If the relationship isn’t working, it isn’t working.

Erectile dysfunction can have it’s roots in deeper issues, one of which might be an underlying medical problem.  Perhaps he should talk to a doctor about this even if it is only to rule it out.

I wouldn’t put this under the heading of ‘self harm’.  As a couple you seem to have a major problem.  If he doesn’t actually desire you then there isn’t much you can do about this.  If having a satisfying, sexual relationship is important to you, as it seems to be, then you may have to accept that you are with the wrong person.

Peggy

Dear Harry,

Unfortunately for you, it is your sister who has to deal with her husband and she will not leave him until she is ready to.  This situation is not going to be good for the child.  What makes you think he is going to move them away?  Have you spoken to this man about your concerns or his behavior.  Have you personally witnessed his behavior or are you going on what your sister has told you.  Not speaking to someone for days on end is psychological abuse and moving someone away from their family is another weapon that an abuser uses.  Do you think your sister would actually go?

Peggy

Hi Nothing,

The animal kingdom is a food chain.  Animals instinctively hunt, kill and eat other animals to survive.  I doubt that they are creating bad karma through natural behavior.  Buddhism may have a lot to teach us but it doesn’t mean it has all the answers.  Who has? The native american indians took what they needed from an animal and gave the rest back to mother earth.  Countries all over the world are meat eaters.  I doubt that they are all going to be sent back to Earth to become vegetarians.  Needlessly killing animals might be another matter.

Peggy

Hi Sofia,

You have shared your guilt and shame with your dad and sister and they have offered you comfort.  This does not make you sound like a horrible person or a monster.  You have released your pent up emotions through your tears.  Perhaps you still have some more crying to do.  I have never heard of anyone who cried forever.  I’m glad that you have been this brave – it must have taken a lot of courage to admit what you had done.

You are not beyond redemption.  You have done some things that you regret.  You may have behaved badly.  You are sorry for what you have done.  You cannot change the things you have done so dwelling on them is not going to make any difference.  Forgive yourself.

Make up your mind that you will never behave like that ever again, you will endeavor to treat others with kindness, love, gratitude, generosity, compassion and so on.  Go out of your way to do at least one kind act each and every day.

Don’t compare yourself to other people.  Give up reading the ‘guilty’ posts.  There are far more important things that you could be doing with your time.  Help someone with their shopping, tend a garden of an elderly neighbor, cook a meal for your family etc.

You won’t have ruined your life if you see these ‘mistakes’ as the making of you instead of the breaking of you.  Every time such thoughts come into your head, say to yourself “I am sorry for what I have done and I now forgive myself”.

You need to let the past go and move on to the present.  It’s where you go from here that is going to make the difference.

Best wishes

Peggy

Move on from the past

Hi Victoria,

Your mother doesn’t need your father’s permission to separate from him.  She can take some personal possessions and leave today.  I’m sure she has plenty of grounds for divorce.  Her own personal safety and yours should be the most important consideration in all of this.

Up until now your father’s threat of suicide seems to have worked in keeping this marriage going in its abusive state.  This may sound like a hard line but if your father did choose that route, then he is the one that should take responsibility for that choice.  No-one else.

Unfortunately, no-one can change your father’s behavior.  He has to be the one to do it.  Likewise, if your mother wants to stay, there’s nothing you can do about it.  I am not sure if you are still living at home but if you are, you might consider finding your own place.  Your mother needs to consult a lawyer to find out where she stands in all of this.

Peggy

Hi Angele,

I am really concerned about the content of your reply to Chloe – particularly the part where she blames/hates herself and is projecting her hatred on to him.  How can this possibly be true when he is the one that has embarked upon an affair?  What did he expect when he was found out other than to be met with anger from his wife?

Nobody is perfect – not your daughter and not your son-in-law.  There are faults on both sides and maybe your daughter will begin to realize that now things are being brought to a head.  It may be a hard lesson to learn but from what you say he has begun to steel their joint assets.  There is only one person your son-in-law is looking after and that’s himself.  The faults of this person who wants your daughter to believe he is perfect – he’s a liar, he’s a cheat, he’s a thief.  As for attending sessions with her, implying that he cares (who is he trying to kid), I’m pretty sure that his new love interest won’t be too keen on that idea – she’ll most likely want him to have as little to do with your daughter as possible.

I hope the counselling helps your daughter.  She really needs to learn to love herself and to do that she needs to stop focusing on her faults and start focusing on her good points.  Perhaps you can help her with that.

Best wishes

Peggy

Hi Treasamariam,

You’ve been in this very positive relationship for a year.  It sounds as if your boyfriend’s attitude has changed fairly recently – I am wondering why this would be.  People very rarely change from being studious/ambitious to being lazy and non-caring without there being an underlying reason.  Do you know why he has had this change of heart?

Your boyfriend is not your father.  Perhaps his expectations are not the same as yours.  If you have to ‘push’ him into becoming ambitious and ‘make’ him have a hardworking mentality, he might not be the right person for you.  Friendly, fun, caring, loyal and sincere are all extremely good qualities to possess.  Mind you don’t “push” him out of your life with your need for financial security so early on in the relationship.  Perhaps this is his way of telling you that he doesn’t share your agenda – not yet at any rate.

I suppose it’s pointless me telling you that worrying is futile.  You have your life ahead of you and it’s probably going to take all sorts of twists and turns.  The only thing that worrying will do for you is make everything seem worse than it is.  All that stress and tension in one so young!  It sounds to me as if you have a ‘beauty and the beast’ relationship – his light hearted approach attracts your stressed and worried approach.  A word of caution here – the very things that attract us initially (even sub-consciously) are the very things that drive us apart eventually.

There’s more to life than money – is there any possibility that you can change?  Looking at it from your boyfriend’s perspective, I would be very worried at the thought that I was entering into a long term commitment with a woman who wanted me to change.  If you don’t love him as he is, you don’t love him.

Peggy