Karmasama,
I am thinking about your quote…
Wondering if it is true for me.
I have found that in the midst of turbulence, I might wonder that, but afterwards I find my love has grown deeper.
Very interesting!

• This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by Maggie Black.

This is “Awesome”
I have never heard anything like this! This is beautiful and I hope it continues. My desire, in my relationship, is to have that closeness, depth and unflinching intimacy.

Silent treatment hurts because there is no possibility of resolution as you have pointed out.

She might be hurt and in a LDR there isn’t a lot of ways to get to the bottom of things and if you have tried talking before and is hasn’t worked she is likely frustrated and is taking out her frustrations in this way.
I am in a LDR too and sometimes if I am not getting what I need I want to create space too.

However, I know I could not do this with my guy because it is a cold and manipulative way of handling it.
It is too painful for the other person.
She is either trying to punish you or she is in deep pain and this is her way of crying out.

Do you two have great communication? Are you sure you have heard what she is saying to you?
Is she trying to get you to THINK about what is going on?

Either way, I would tell her this is unacceptable. You might even mention that you will give her space after you find out that she is ok.
Silent treatment is a passive aggressive behavior and is not healthy.

How old are each of you?
For some reason I am hoping maybe it is a maturity thing with him.
Did you ask him about the FB thing?

Reading the words he said to her about wanting to know more and endlessly attracted would take me over the edge.
That is emotional attraction and women do not like their men to feel emotional attraction to other women.

I feel for you.

I doubt I could ever feel trust again with him.

From what you said about his mom, this sounds like a co-dependent relationship and you are the one walking on eggshells trying not to make waves. I did this for 29 years and I can tell you, it “ain’t fun”.

I would do lots of contemplating (thinking) (meditation) about this. I think you are being hurt too much.

You mentioned his “pure love” but it isn’t so pure if he is emotionally texting other women.

You cannot change how you feel and what you want. You will only sacrifice yourself if you try to.

Try to relax and see this as a relationship that might not be the best for you.

Pull away and give him this distance he seems to desperately desire. Giving him this “room” to breathe will help him to see you in a different light.

Allow him to make the moves toward you. Be the feminine creature men adore. Be his Damsel in distress…. if you know what I mean.
By giving him the space to move toward you, you are taking that part where he feels smothered and says he needs distance away.

You may not can do this forever but at least this will get the relationship back in your favor and then you can decide from a more objective place.

Hello lovebuggie.
I understand about the hiddenness of what you go through as I go through a hidden illness also. Mine is not the same as yours but it is true, that no one can understand us if they have not walked in our shoes. And even if they have, the experience isn’t ever the same so we are always left feeling isolated and in pain to a degree.
If anything I say sounds judgmental, please know it is not meant that way. I am like you in that regard. I have been through too much to be judged by anyone and I do not like to place judgment on others.
I want to understand you and I am not sure I do, really.
When you say this man is tormenting you, of course, that triggers my strongest emotions. “Torment” is just not in the realm of anything I would want anyone to have to experience.
I am not sure why he thinks you like it unless he has a type of mental disorder as no one who is stable or sane would torment anyone they say that they love.
If he loves you and is using this method to keep you in some kind of hold then you are in a place of bondage to him.
You want him to release the power and control and take that leap.
OK that is fair and reasonable. Is your question to us, how to get him to do that?
It is my hopes that you can offer a little more information to us.
I see that you feel he can help you and that he loves you and wants to help you.
You say that what you want changes daily and I get that.
On any given day, what is it you mostly want?
To be loved? To be desired? To be treated in a certain way? If so, what way is that? What does love look like to you?
Do you feel empowered by this man’s presence in your life?
I hope you can come back and tell me more. I wish you well and want to help any way I can.

You sound like you are hurting a good deal over this. For this I am sorry.
You are not cursed and it is not possible to be over a bad (wrong) action and it is NOT impossible to let it go.
You are holding onto this for a reason. Sometimes when we do things that we know are wrong we like to punish ourselves a bit before we get to the matter of realizing we aren’t perfect and need to work on letting it go.

You hurt because you really like this girl and wish you had not gone against your better judgment and tried to impress the guys.
You knew it was wrong but did it anyway and this is the shame and guilt you are feeling.
You weren’t true to yourself and what you know is right.

We all mess up, fall short, get driven by things and we all feel this sorrow that you are feeling.

First of all:
Do not repeat to yourself that it is IMPOSSIBLE to let this go!
You are empowering the negative by doing this.

As a man thinks so is he.

Began thinking along other lines such as that you are human, made a mistake, see the wrong and want to improve and not do it again.

You have learned a valuable lesson early on that will help you immensely for the rest of your life.

The lesson is:

Be true to yourself!
Forgive yourself!
Learn from your mistakes and move on!

I wish you well!

Chiwonk,
I went to the site you suggested and took the happiness test. When I got my results, it only said how I compared to others. It actually said that they did not know how these questions related to anyone’s happiness! I thought that was strange.
You said the site helped you so maybe I am missing something. Thanks for the suggestion anyway.
I am sort of in the same space as you two and after retiring and realizing I was not happy in my marriage I know I need to find out what I am interest in doing and pursuing.
I want to feel I have a purpose other than keeping my house clean.
I also do lots of things for my mom who is in her eighties and enjoy helping her out.
I know I want to keep in shape and eat right.
Other than that… not so sure.

What great questions and introspection!
Before I got to the part where he is seriously working on his problem I was ready to tell you to RUN and “don’t look back”.
Now I can only say that if you are in love with him and can’t live without him, you may want to keep the distance from him.

You did mention that you didn’t “feel” the love like he does. (that you are the one)
So you aren’t sure if he is the one. I would do it like this. If you think you have a shot at a good life with him and can love him beyond measure then give it some time.
If you weren’t that happy before, with him, then maybe just let him work his anger issues out on his own and then you two could try again.

Honestly, it scares me that he treated you so poorly that you had to call your dad. This incident is going to forever color your family’s view of him.
That is just how our parents are! Highly protective.

The main thing is how you feel about him.
Your last paragraph is telling in that you are looking at it from your reaction to him and his desire to change. You are asking, “Is it so wrong to give him another chance?” And here is the one that really makes me want to ask you to THINK about your motives for giving him another chance:
“but I feel almost cruel to end things when I honestly believe that this time he truly desires to change and make himself better ”
OK I understand. You want to be giving and forgiving and give him a chance. But why are you giving him this chance (if you do)?
Is it because you want to have a good solid relationship with him? Or to show how understanding you are.

You just never said that you loved him beyond your wildest dreams and that is what I would like to know.