She was not your first love, she was a girl you had a dance with. Get over yourself.

You seem to get really excited about just about everything. Maybe that’s just your writing style, but seriously dude, chill. You only recently realised girls are, like, human, and they have insecurities and personality flaws and shit. I congratulate you on your new insight, but let me tell you, you will fail at the relationship thing again before you get it right. There’s a lot more to learn, grasshopper.

So stop getting worked up about your “horrible rejection”. At least she was clear! You know where you stand with this girl and you can move on. Don’t get worked up about her, and don’t get worked up over how worked up you are over her. Just go for a walk or something. Have a wank. You have a life to get on with, don’t wallow in this nonsense for ten years just to write some dumb song like Garth Brooks. Please!

Move on.

Hey Zandile,

Anxiety sucks, and you certainly sound like you have a lot to deal with right now. I had anxiety attacks a few years ago, and sometimes I still get afraid, though not as bad as I was. When I get to feeling that way, I try to focus on taking care of myself — good food, physical exercise, a regular sleep pattern, time spent doing things I enjoy, and meditation. It’s not a cure-all, but everything gets that much harder when you don’t take care of the basics, you know?

Please don’t feel like you’re doing something wrong because you’re feeling this way. You just have a lot on your plate, and it’s difficult to deal with it all. That happens to a lot of people, just read some of the other posts on this forum. People are in pain, for all kinds of reasons. But people can also build themselves back up, step by step, even when they feel so, so bad.

So take it easy on yourself — you’re having a tough time. Do things that help you, do things that are a little scary when you feel up to them, and understand that these feelings come and go. If you feel really horrible today, tomorrow will probably be a little better. If you feel really good today, maybe tomorrow will be harder. But if you keep building, and believe in yourself, things will get better and you can pursue your dreams.

I wish you only good days. Good luck.

If you feel you lack meaningful achievements, why not to work on achieving some?

I’m sorry you’re in so much pain, and for such a long time. It sounds like you’d emptied your life of everything that wasn’t this person, and now they’re gone, you have found your life empty. Perhaps you could try to work on filling it up again. Do things, create things, improve things. Meet with other people, learn a new skill, volunteer and experience being truly useful to others. Take care of someone. Get a dog.

As for human beings suffering and having to go through unbearable pain: I don’t think your pain is unbearable. Forgive me, but to the naked eye it does seem like you are, in fact, bearing it. By definition it is therefore not unbearable. Human beings can be amazingly resilient, many have bounced back from much greater calamities than being dumped after a 3 year relationship. Think about it. You don’t have cancer. You didn’t lose your entire family in a house fire. You weren’t a prisoner of war. People live through these things and worse, and turn out ok. So this is possible, you can get through this.

Stop torturing yourself with the past, and get on with your life as it is. Good luck.

BRUNO, where do you get the idea HE needs reassurance? Clearly SHE is the one who needs reassurance, you’re making this way too complicated.

Caitlyn, you already know this is silly. You’ve already told yourself it means nothing, that he’s not doing anything wrong, that Jennifer Lawrence is just a picture. And it hasn’t helped.

Jealousy, whether reasonable or un-, is much easier to let go of when you’ve got your partner on your side. You can explain to him that you feel this way (and make sure to stress you know it’s unreasonable, and he’s not done anything wrong) and ask him the questions you’re asking. Does he think you are amazing? Does he think you’re pretty, even though you look completely different from this other person he thinks is pretty?

Expressing your feelings, exposing your insecurity and vulnerability and asking for reasonable reassurances will help you guys be closer. If you keep telling yourself it’s silly and you should just get over it already, it may fester inside you. And if this is how you feel when he gives somebody’s picture a thumbs-up, I hate to think what you’ll be dealing with if he ACTUALLY develops an interest in someone else. And he probably will at some point, if your relationship lasts. And if he chooses you despite that interest, and you can handle this without going crazy, your relationship has a good chance to last.

Be careful not to blame him for what you’re going through. So not like this: “I don’t like it when you talk about Jennifer Lawrence that way. It makes me jealous.” But more like this: “I know this is really dumb, but I’m having a little insecurity, can I talk to you about that? Can you tell me that I’m amazing too, and you don’t like Jennifer Lawrence more than me? I know you don’t, but I’d just like to hear it.”

Jealousy is poisonous to relationships. Work on it together.

This isn’t stupid. He’s a human being you once were close to. It sounds like he doesn’t want to talk on the phone, though, so don’t obsess over it. Maybe you two could talk or even be friends of some sort, maybe not. Just don’t get hung up over it, or guilt trip yourself for getting in touch. Nothing is wrong here. Chill. Be open to whatever happens.

What if you didn’t have to be jealous? What if your girlfriend could have a really good mate at work who was kinda into her, and she kinda into him, and it didn’t matter because you knew she had chosen you? What if she could even sleep with him and it’d be no big deal because you knew you were number one for her? What if you never had to deal with paranoia about infidelity ever again because you knew that if your girlfriend was falling for someone else, or had drunken make-outs one night, she’d just tell you, and it’d be cool?

What I’m saying is; threads like these make me glad I’m not monogamous.

OK. But what I’m really saying is; don’t let minor stuff like this eat at you, man. Nothing is going on here. Some other dude is interested in her. She’s said she’ll watch the way she is around him so he doesn’t get the wrong idea (side note: why can’t she just say to him “Hey, it seems you’re into me, I’m taken, tough luck”? Would that not be easier than trying not to accidentally smile too much or whatever she’s doing?) In any case, she’s dealing with it. Let it go and trust her, or you might as well break up now.

Who are you? You’re just another creature in a crazy world.

Seems like you’re doing all right, dude. Keep pulling away from the drugs, find happiness where you find it. All my best wishes.

Good luck, man. You have a lot to gain. Stay the course.