I’m a little confused as to what you’re worried about.

So, it seems that your paranoia was justified in that he really was cheating on you. And manipulating you and turning your justified concern/distrust into a problem with your personality.

Good riddence, then. Don’t overthink this: he was bad news, your cheater-radar was functioning correctly, you are free of him, all rejoice.

Oh, honey. I just want to hug you. You sound so trapped and helpless.

I think there are things that you could do differently to improve the situation. Heh. Which is not to say I blame you for your niece being a thief (that’s on her obviously) but reading only a little between the lines it seems you may be a little passive agressive about it.

If you have good reason to think your niece has something that belongs to you, confront her. Don’t eavesdrop, don’t talk to everyone else first, get her and her mother in a room together and say there’s something you want to talk about. Try to stay calm and factual. “I think you have this thing. It is mine, and if you have it you should give it back.”

Don’t ever eavesdrop. Nothing useful can be gained from that, it’s drama-generating behaviour. Just don’t. Don’t sit around trying to build a case against her, you’re not going to court. She’s family. You just want your stuff back. If you want a more harmonious relationship with your family, act in a harmonious way.

Second point: acting in a harmonious way and being peaceful does not mean letting people get away with taking and breaking your stuff. What you’re looking for is the space between silence and having a relationship wrecking screaming fit/inquisition. That space is called assertiveness. “I’m not angry, I just don’t think it’s right that you constantly use my make up and I want it to stop. Now tell me what you want.”

Also don’t take cues from your father. Don’t hide your stuff so other people won’t use it. That’s childish. Be the mature one.

I would advise you to read up on assertiveness and non-violent communication, and practice these things. I think it can improve the situation with your family, but more importantly, it will give you important skills you’ll use for the rest of your life.

I hope my message doesn’t make you feel angry or attacked. You’re very young yourself, and you may not have the best examples. It’s perfectly natural that you haven’t learned how best to communicate in these kinds of situations. You haven’t done anything wrong. But doing something different may have good results.

I hope things work out.

Digging for the root and background for this pattern can be useful. At the end of the day, it’s still clinging, and you identify it yourself as “silly”. So maybe when you get stuck in those thoughts, you can ask yourself what it was you really wanted. OK, you really wanted those books, but it’s bothering you so much it’s clearly not about the books. So what did you really want?

Did you want something no one else could have (to feel special)? Did you want to have more things (because possessions make you feel secure)? Did you want something beautiful? Do you want to feel connected to your history (as a writer) by owning these old books? Did you want to impress your friends? Did you want something that would have made your family members happy? Or envious?

Once you distill the want to something pure, like feeling special, security, beauty, identity as a writer, status, you can try to think of other ways you could give yourself that. Maybe by buying something else, or maybe just by doing something, or remembering you already have something. That might help take the sting out of the internal but I really wanted it angst.

Also, forgive yourself for having silly emotional hangups. Welcome to humanity. It’s easier to let go if you don’t constantly judge yourself for having held on in the first place.

“Rejection is protection” is a cliche? I’ve honestly never heard that before. And I’m not sure I understand what you mean.

Ian, Rock Banana and Aiki Ben have already given you some great advice. I just wanted to say that your “all these flaws” made me smile. Look at me! I have all these flaws!

Honey, if you’re physically intact, can pay for your own lunch and you’re mentally mostly together, you’ve got as much of a shot as anyone. There are plenty of people who don’t have those advantages, and who do just fine. Don’t compare yourself with others and say, oh no, he’s so good looking, oh no, he’s taller than me, oh no, his family is rich. So what, man? What’s that got to do with you?

You are you. That’s what you have to offer. Dive deeper into the things that make you you, and work on getting better bringing those to the front. Don’t try to impress people, just try to enjoy and explore life. That’s the really important part, anyway.

Hm, that’s a tricky situation you’re in.

A few things come to mind.

1. You can take your power back. It’s going to be tough because for so long you’ve been giving it to him, and even now that he’s not the great looming presence in your life that he was, it feels like he’s still sapping your power. But actually, it’s not him sapping it. It’s you giving it away. Once you know that deeply, you will find ways to stop giving it away. It comes from you. Give it to you.

2. On a practical level, is there any way you can apply for a switch of roommates? I don’t know how this works but if you can swing that I think it will make a big difference, even if you don’t hang out socially.

3. This will take time. Growing your self-esteem, your ability to connect with people and your happiness will be a long term project. Don’t be down on yourself or feel disheartened if you don’t feel better straight away, or if you still have bad days (or really bad days). That’s a natural part of the growing process. Just continue to do the things and take the steps that you decide will help you grow.

4. I could suggest things that will help you grow these qualities in your life, but I don’t know what will be right for you, and the list of possibilities is almost endless. So this is just a quick list to get you thinking. Join a club or society; try to make small talk with someone you don’t know every morning; meditate; choose a subject in your studies and ask the teacher if you can do extra work for extra credit, working closely with the teacher; plan an outing to a different city (maybe a weekend trip) and go there; or a museum, theatre, whatever; invite someone along; go on your own; write a letter expressing your feelings to your roommate; write a letter forgiving him; post them; don’t post them; have a look at your wardrobe and think about what your style is, and how you could express your personality through your clothes; express yourself through a different art form; join a support group; get involved in student politics; wait no, for pity’s sake don’t get involved in student politics; what am I saying it might be right for you.

You get the idea. Basically, think of something to do that you wouldn’t normally do and that feels a bit weird or uncomfortable, then do it, then monitor how you feel and adjust your actions until they feel empowering and you feel like you’re getting closer to yourself. Maybe these examples are way out there for you. You can start small. You can start really small.

Repeat.

You’ll find more and more freedom and happiness as you keep working on this through the years. Know you’re not alone. Most people have some shit from their childhood dragging them down, and most seem happy on the surface regardless. Many of us actually make it to real happy, too. I hope you will find your way.

All my best wishes.

If she’s talking about her future, and you’re not in it, how much faith should you really have in this relationship?

As for bending to make her love you, and her habit of bringing up your old missteps to hurt you, it just sounds like bad news. Free yourself. This isn’t the right one for you.

It’s good of you to recognise that you can’t control him, but have you thought about how he is trying to control you?

It’s natural to be a little insecure sometimes, but after 6 years he might have developed some sense of the sort of person you are. The fact that you’ve been hanging out with your friends less to allow for his irrational feelings is not a good sign. And his communication style (going quiet when he’s upset rather than stating how he feels and what he needs) does not bode well.

I commend you for trying not to be angry with him, but that doesn’t mean you need to put up with this. He’s being very childish, honestly. And he’s asking you to curtail your social life for the sake of his feelings of insecurity. That’s not a solution! He’ll just grow more insecure until you’re not able to talk to, work with, or look at other guys! What he should be doing is working with you to overcome his insecurities, not put on a pouty face and refuse to talk to you.

I think you should sit him down and, in gentle and loving terms, tell him he needs to do a better job at allowing you to have a life and communicating with you, otherwise the two of you will grow apart and he’ll have no one to blame but himself.

These are tough talks to have, but hold on to your heart: you know you’ve done nothing wrong, and you have a right to frienships and social activities. You also have a right to expect him to talk to you when something’s bothering him — you’re his girlfriend. Good luck.