Hi Felix,

I haven’t got any advice as such but I just wanted to say how brave you are starting I’ve and how strong you are. Both of those are admirable qualities.

You are right in that humans shouldn’t be alone and it’ also true it’s hard to make friends. Maybe the fact that your life feel a empty now means actually there is room to out what you want in it. It allows you to re design your life. I can see how much you would like a female life partner or a relationship right now but perhaps focus on the rest of the things you want and the rest will follow.

The other things to suggest are things like volunteering etc to meet people but I’m guessing you already know all that (and are doing alot yourself). It may feel like right now you have a lot of big problems and it’ difficult to know how to break them down. Perhaps work with them one at a time,  braking them down into smaller chunks so it feels like there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your step dad or friends or a counsellor could help you do this. I know how it feels to feels so so alone so I do understand your pain right now. Hopefully others will be able to offer better insight and comfort than me. Thinking of you.

No problem John. I appreciate there is a difernce in knowing that other people have gone through  a similar thing and actually feeling it yourself. Perhaps a counsellor may help? I’ve had online counselling before when i was going through  a tough time and ove tired in person counselling. The good thing about it was that they are independent ans genuiney want to help. You can also say exactly how you are feeling which is a good outlet and some times general life doesn’t allow you to be that honest to yourself out loud.

I promise it will get easier but you won’t neve think of her again and certain things will still take you back and bring up memories. E.g your life won’t be the same afterward but that’s probably a good thing. E.g you now know what love can be like.

Feel free to write anytime and I will try and help. Though there is no antitode or hurrying the time it takes to get over someone, it just is what it is

Hello John,

The latter half of your post about today being a new day sounds promising and more positive.

You are never going to know why your girlfriend left you. You are trying to figure out the story with half of the information e.g. your half. This may feel like this 100% matters. That things would be different if you knew WHY. That way you could make sense of it. The thing is even if you knew WHY (which you are never going to know) then the fact would still be the same. E.g the person you loved over all others has left you and got with someone else. This may sound harsh but this happens all the time. It is very very rare to find someone that loves us back in the same way as we love them. This means instead of being alone you join the ranks of people that have felt the exact same way as you.

With the facts being as they are, there is no use to continue to question WHY and think of ways you could of done differently.  As brandy says, she was already moving on, no matter what you did or did not do. You can choose to continue to question WHY but that just leads to continued sadness and despair and believe me, you will think about her enough in the coming months as it is.

So to stop the questionining yourself WHY it happened and to actively move on you need to think of perhaps the qualities you would like to have e.g. you said you didn’t think someone like her could fall in love with someone like you… well what kind of person would ‘people like her’ fall in love with? E.g what qualities do they Have? Do they work out and take care of themselves, are they a good listener, are they kind and compassionate etc.  And then do actions to be more like that. The idea is not to change yourself to someone else or think if you do X, y y and z she will come back to you, it’s to show you that you can be a better person and you can grow because of this. The man you felt like she made you, you can still be ithout her- she just pointed you in that direction. This is hard work and it takes time but I promise you you will get there.

Another idea to try and stop thinking about her is to keep busy being active e.g. volunteer at a pet shelter or similar so you are physically tired and mentally engaged all day. This will stop the thoughts. It will be hard to feel the same way about a girl as you felt about your ex girlfriend. This is because, I  my opinion, people that get you like you describe and share that kind of love don’t come along very often  at all in a lifetime. It’ not just you that this has happened too, lots of people have thought they found their ‘soulmate’ only for it not to work out. And that’s okay. I would see it as a lesson. E.g from knowing your ex how has that changed you? And, how will the break up change you going forward? What good are you going to so as a result?

Life will go on whether you want it to or not. I 100% understand you find it hard to think of her with someone else and moving on, but the facts are the facts. It’ harsh and horrible I know but if you were meant to be you will be. If not then it’s an important lesson. Please try and keep the faith and keep your head up. Something will come up for you but for it to happen you need to be looking to the future rather than lamenting the past. It’s hard I know. Believe me I have been there (as I imagine many other tiny bhudda posters) but you will get through this. It will hurt. It will be painful and you will cry. But you will get through in the end.

If you don’t feel capable of being in a relationship currently then don’t. It’s not fair on her or you as you feel guilty about not feeling the same way.

Please take good care of yourself. And chin up

Hello John,

I’ve read what brandy and Anita have written here and it all makes 100% sense.

I just wanted to write based on brandys suggestion that if you hear other stories of people who have gone through a similar thing it may help. Years and years ago now I went out with someone and one day he decided to break it off. It seemed out of the blue to me, when in reality it wasn’t.

I did all the things that you shouldn’t do like wrote a letter and text. But the thing is (and brandy is right with this) he never replied and in the end I was just being desperate, needy and annoying e.g. someone he was never going to love any way.

Like you I found it easier to hold onto the hope that what we had was so special that he didn’t mean it when he said he loved someone else. In my head it was like: ‘I have never felt like this about someone and it felt so special and meaningful he has to still love me’.this was a complete lie made up to make me feel better in the short term but actually prolonged my feelings of sadness due to us not being in each other’s lives any more. And of course he loved her as he was the one who had left me and was in a relationship wifh her. Actions speak louder than words. I felt like I didn’ want to move on:’after all, I could never find someone as amazing, kind, caring, fun etc as him again.

The thing is, over time, it gets easier. But you barely notice it as it happens slowly. One day you’l wake up and you will not think about her or think about her and smile without all the emotions attached as they are now. To get to that stage you need to push yourself to move forward. You may not feel like doing anything but staying at home thinking about her but you need to. You’ll probably feel rubbish whilst doing it but afterward you’ll be proud of yourself. It’s action that gets things moving forward, and that’s what you need.

It sounds like you have a loving partner, kids and family so concentrate on those blessings. You also have good health and can try again for a new relationship- not everyone has that.

Resources that have helped me are: a book called ‘unstuck’ and ‘the untethered soul’. The untthered soul helped me the most though as it seemed to speak to WHY I felt in such a way about him.

All the very best of luck!

Hello.

Just a quick one about mental health help in the UK. I found the therapist I have been to throigh: https://www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists

She was good and it was close to home. People also rate them so you can see how good they are based on others.

If you don’t want to talk about it in person perhaps try online counselling. There are some in the UK but I used talkspace-its American and the first therapist I had was great, the second not so much so I guess it depends who you get.

You also wanted something to do by yourself to act on your feelings and feel better. My suggestions (which please ignore if they don’ feel right) are:

1) read the book called ‘unstuck’ I have read alot of self help books but I think this one had the most practical advice in for me (but everyone to their own).

2) start using Twitter and tweet a picture a day of at least one thing you have appreciated – this helps you to start actively looking for more good.

3).perhaps with a family you haven’t had so much time to yourself- perhaps plan something nice to do for you. In the past I have gone to get a back massage or a manicure. Both of those things actually terrified me as I was scared of the small talk and not being girly enough for those things but actually I was glad I went.

4) listen to inspiring pod casts in the car e.g. Lisa Nicholls etc there are loads out there or red talks.

5) find music that inspires you and listen to that. One of my favourite composers is enaudi but you just need to find something that speaks to you.

7) try the headspace app. You can try it for free for 10 days.

All these are only very little things and at first it may feel like they don’t make a differe once and some days they work better than others but they can make a difference over time.

I hope you feel a little better soon. Xx

Hello,

I said I was going to reply to this in more detail but can’t think of anything to add. I think Anita last commnt was really insightful and perhaps your husband isn’t the person to do this with as he just doesn’t get or want to get the darker more fragile side everyone has. He may have done at one point though?

Perhaps you could try journaling or writing your feelings in a blog so that they are being seen by others out there or at least just expressed in writing to yourself?

From my own experience, (although others have alot more than me) it is very rare to find someone who sees you so wholly ie in the ways we want to be seen or if they do it perhaps is the case at the start of a relationship but it’ can be harder as it goes on.

I hope you are doing okay today. 🙂