Hi Niki, kindly read the comments posted by the other members. And if possible, acknowledge their effort to help you.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Nina Sakura.

Hey

The first week is the hardest. But once you get into a busy routine, go hang out with friends and unwind at your place, it will feel better. Sure you guys broke up and it feels weird now but that’s okay. Get used to your life in the new place. Find new things you enjoy. Do some art, exercise and cook.

Some days will be shitty but you gotta ride them out. When you get lonely at night, read a magazine or listen to some good music playlist. Do some stretching to relax. Journal if you feel like. You can do anything now. It’s your own place and you are free.

Please don’t go back to him because you feel alone. There is a reason you guys broke up. Always remember that.

Regards
Nina

Dear brav3

Appreciate the post on breakups. However I don’t think this is applicable to death entirely. Breakup is a kind of loss too, a person dear to us departs from our life but they are alive. We can call them, see them and their life continues, just not with us. Death is different. There is no return. There are no answers for this pain, no respite no matter how many years pass. A void will always be there. This post will make less sense to someone who lost a parent, a child, a friend, a gf/bf or anyone dear to them. Much less to people who have watched their loved ones get sick and die. And no amount of positivity or rising above negative emotions will change the harsh reality of death. You can fall in love again after a breakup but the person who died won’t come back. I know you mean well brav3 but I am not very satisfied with the idea of equating breakups, death in the same category of coping with loss.

Regards
Nina

Dear Saskia

Ask yourself three questions –

1. 5 years from now, what kind of life would you want from every angle?

2. What would you regret more?

3. Isn’t life something that we plan for and then eventually find throwing a curb-ball at us? If I asked you 10 years ago that would you see yourself with a woman, what would u have said? Don’t be scared. Have more confidence in what you can take.

Regards
Nina

Dear Hailee

This is normal. Feeling distracted, more so when you are forced to focus on the books in comparison to being out working. I have the same problem too and it was quite worse before.

The only way I know to deal with these distracting, distressing emotions is not to judge them and to ride them out. Instead of fixating on when you may talk to him next, when he will message you back, think in terms of study targets that need to be done for the day – the activities that have to be done.

I know you might be thinking “if only it’s that easy” – it is and isn’t.

You are anxious about exams and your anxiety is rising as you delay studying further.

Usually when I sit down to study, I keep my phone away or switch off the WiFi. I don’t switch it back on until I am done with an hour or two of work.

A million times, it will feel tempting to randomly message him when you miss him. Don’t do it immediately. Say you will do so just when you get done with these pages and this problem set. Create a reward mechanism for yourself.

When I go for exercise, I keep the phone on flight mode. I do not want to get distracted in case he calls.

Since he is the working one, by default, your routine is more adjustable compared to his. Exercise some discipline during this time.

Within a week or two, you will get habituated to this.

Please follow some of the suggestions by Anita as well.

Do you have any negative thoughts in particular when say, you guys don’t talk much for a few days?

Regards
Nina

Hello

It’s been a month since the breakup. For now, please stop these unhelpful, hopeless thoughts. Your concerns on being older are real no doubt but comparing yourself to others will eventually push you into depression.

Here is the deal – yeah having babies after 35 gets harder. Even harder after 40. But there are modern fertility treatments available which are available for many working women who have decided to have children later. There is also adoption bdw which is frankly a really beautiful idea.

All you can do for now is to ensure that you are at a healthy body weight, are physically active, do proper strength training and eat right. There is no substitute for exercise especially.

The next thing would be to find your center outside boyfriend and baby. What is it in life you look forward to outside these two things? What gets you excited? What are your hobbies and passions?

After a few months, ask your friends to set you up when you are emotionally ready. Try online dating. It is perfectly normal to want a family but be willing to work on you as well. Read good books, do deep breathing, journal when you start feeling overwhelmed by misery and despair. These emotions will come on and off post the breakup but you gotta ride out this dragon.

Thats ironically the starting over.

For now, clean up your life-style and find a new activity to keep you engaged.

Never too late. Always a way forward.

Regards
Nina

I suggest you go talk to him first. Do not rush into marriage. That’s the last thing you should do now. Until he is able to win back your trust, don’t make any commitment like this. He will say lot of emotional stuff to you but his actions speak louder than words. Let his actions be good enough for you to trust him again.

This is a suggestion from my side – Ask him to first convince his family to let you work. Make sure this is said in front of your parents with other people in a public gathering. If they don’t agree, he should live away from them and continue doing his duties as a son – simply not living in the same house. If being with you and respecting you is so important to him, he can do this.

Rest is up to you. I don’t believe in the logic that a guy changes after marriage to stand up for you. If he can’t even do it now, when will he? This change your dad is talking of happens in Hindi movies. His family has done enough to control him. It’s time he actually shows if he is serious. Very easy to say sweet words after causing you so much pain. Don’t buy his words so literally.

Hey heartbroken girl

You may not believe it right now but they do. There is no “perfect” relationship, person or situation though. It’s subjective individually but there are some universal principles like self-respect, trust and understanding which are needed.

I will tell you about the 2 best relationships I have seen while growing up. One would be of my parents who had an arranged marriage and that of my best friend whose parents had a love marriage.

The one common things I noticed in both were level of trust and understanding that was there. I can’t say too much about my friends parents cuz I don’t live with him but I can give you an example of mom and dad.

My dad told me a few months back on a Sunday afternoon that he wants to do more so that he can provide my mother with more comforts in life. Even though he is out at 8 am and gets back home at 9:30 pm, looks visibly tired, I have noticed time and again that he will head to the kitchen and do the dishes if there are any. He will arrange things a bit and help us in cooking dinner. Mom has never asked him to do it but he knows that she likes a very organized, clean kitchen.

Then there are days when he is exhausted, cranky and likes to space out in front of the TV. She tells the other family members to leave him alone then and just puts his food without asking and comes back later. I have seen her time and again exercise immense patience over dad’s several dietary restrictions due to health issues which makes it harder for her to prepare meals. The bottom line is, she knows his needs very well and so does he.

Of course they have arguments once in a while. They are very different people but can’t stay away from each other for too long. I sometimes suspect it’s the case of being in love by showing rather than saying it a million times a day.

The best thing I have learned from them is to have patience and make respect, trust a two way process.

Always have the best intentions and believe the other person to do the same for you. This is something I can’t intellectually explain. It’s invisible like the air but it’s there.

I can give you more examples too of married friends but the above is the one I know best. The basics are same in all with variations here and there.

Now you will ask me, what about cases like you and me – the relatively younger, unmarried ones?

I would say have a healthy relationship with yourself first. Look for a solid, good human being whom you can imagine spending the rest of your life with despite their flaws.

The person whom you recently ended things with was someone you had a connection with. Surely there is a reason why things ended and you need to honor that instead of beating yourself up. I do feel it’s important to no contact them for a few months and move forward with your life, pick up the pieces and discover yourself again.

If both of you are really meant to be, you will be back again after the waiting period with more maturity and appreciation. If not, then you can still always stay good friends and real the benefits of inner growth.

Be with someone because you want to, not because you are terrified of being alone.

Regards
Nina

PS – sorry about the rather long, rambling post. I hope it made some sense.