Dear hohs

That’s a very mature resolve on your part. Please do go through the link sometime. I found it immensely helpful in understanding trust. It is one area I have struggled with thanks to negative thinking, which has often led me to panic internally, jump to worst conclusion and make a complete mess of the situation.

Regards
Nina

Dear Niki,

Fair skin obsession does exist in India, well to be precise in South Asia too. But here is the thing. Not everyone subscribes to this preference of beauty. I am from India too. Most of our population is on the relatively darker side except in parts of North.

Here is the thing though – does that mean dark skinned girls aren’t beautiful? Does that mean they have less value in some way? Your mother in law would have been in a person with the most bat shit values possible. As one writer rightly pointed out, this was just a ploy for them to reject you.

All ex-mother-in-law-to-be really wanted was a docile, perfect height, perfect complexion bahu for her Raja beta whom she can mould and control as per her wish.

How would you feel if a friend came up to you and said “yaar Niki, I am dark, I will never find a guy. I have no value. My boyfriend’s mom dislikes me because of my complexion and that I am interested in having a career with a family too” – just think what you would say to her.

Would you tell her “it’s okay yaar, you have to adjust. It doesn’t matter if you have dreams of your own. You are dark. You arent that special. No one will like you if you don’t adjust so much. Forget all these studies, this feminist shit – you should please your boyfriend’s family. Beyond him, there is nothing more to you anyway. So might as well go for him. You won’t get anyone else anyway”

Imagine a close friend of yours in exactly this situation. How would the above words sound when you say to her?

And regarding your desire to be in media and communications, come on girl, it’s you who has to apply for these courses. There are programs in MICA, Xaviers, IIMC- many more 1 year program. The admission time will come up soon for a number of then.

Why don’t you stop crying that your life is over and start planning to take control?

Okay you have HR background, what’s wrong in pursuing your own interest? So many go for MBA here in this country and switch fields. There are people doing MBA at 27, those two year program. What in Gods name is stopping you from switching your field?

People apply for civils even at the age of 28+ and some even clear after taking big risks.

Why are you being so negative so early in your life? Yeah you made mistakes, you dodged a bullet also by not marrying this hopeless man with his rather stone age mentality family.

Start planning Niki, have you seen Guru or even Queen? Guru mai Sujata ran away from home to be with her guy. She was heartbroken when he ditched her despite all his fiery ideals. But she met Guru after that and he turned out to be a better partner for her. Life, where it goes who knows? But you can’t lose hope and break.

Think of what happened in Queen. Rani was such a simple girl and Vijay broke her heart when he called off the wedding after so many years of relationship. But she took the hard way and went away, found herself again. She found her inner strength.

Life will never stop Niki. This is a lesson for you to be brave. Problem was not in you. Problem was in them only. But it’s not at all too late you at all. You have to come out of this. There is a whole life waiting for you.

Regards
Nina

Dear Niki,

I am sorry it didn’t work out. Please read my message with an open mind.

Yeah you were together for 7 years and knew eachother for 9 years. Your castes were the same but there were major cultural, economic differences. You were willing to adjust but he wasn’t. After 7 years, he chose them over you.

Yet here you are saying that –

You sacrificed your oppurtunities, potential to be with him. You would prefer to waste your education and oppurtunities to adjust in his house.

And why so?

Because you love him
Because you were in relation for 7 years

What about your parents?

They are encouraging you to be self-reliant, they have looked after you since you were small and even swallowed their self-respect to listen to this guy’s family’s nonsensical demands about your economic independence. They tried hard to convince his family to put your abilities to use.

And what are you doing here?

Crying about some man who forgot his promise to be with you no matter what? What was he doing for 7 years? Playing angry birds on his phone? Immaturity is no excuse for serious decisions like this.

Do you honestly think that an independent woman like you would have adjusted in that culture? Do you think that relationship is only about one person making every sacrifice? What about your own self respect?

Now you are sitting at home, crying and upset, not willing to go out – cursing yourself for not marrying him

Is your whole life and identity about love and a guy? Is that really the value system you have?

If your boyfriend was really a strong, independent man, he wouldn’t have allowed his family to do this bullshit. Normally in India, people don’t get married because of caste problem, community different, religion different – then there is economic status difference – it’s a damn miracle things work out in love marriages unless both the partners are really strong and trust eachother.

He did not trust your family’s intentions, he didn’t trust you either and allows them to control his gadget use – what is he? 16 years old?

You deserve better. You are only 25 years old. Please stop thinking your life is over because a relationship didn’t work out. You would have been stuck with a weak man and had your education wasted had this worked out.

Think about your family too for a change. Think about your career too. You can go to as many psychologists as you want but unless you get out of this “either it’s love or nothing” mindset, life will never move forward.

I am very sorry I sounded so harsh, so blunt but I am tired of seeing women break down like this, give themselves away so much in a relationship. Never ever compromise on your self respect for a guy. He has to be willing to fight for you too. Your family tried. Think about how they must be suffering to see you like this, completely shattered.

Regards
Nina

Dear Daniel,

Thanks for replying back so clearly and promptly. Before I can comment on the other areas of your message, I must say I was rather intrigued by work related issues in particular.

The first thing that comes to my mind is what you mention about your dependance on manuals or role models for accomplishing a task. This indicates two things to me :-

1. A lack of self confidence and risk taking
2. A fixed mindset

1 means that you are used to taking a safe well-defined route or atleast need to have someone who has charted something remotely similar.

This means that you are afraid to fail, prefer the safe zone,

which in turn leads me to conclude point 2, that is a fixed mindset signifying a very fixed notion of your capacities.

The procrastination makes sense here actually – you put it off as far as possible, not sure what to do, Google isn’t helping either and then finally because you have to send something, you somehow send some random stuff.

This ironically looks like carefree but does nothing for growing your confidence in your own inherent abilities, Which was somewhat fine for college still.

Clearly not for a profit targeting organisation that requires a more clear, innovative approach.

Now I am not suggesting you can’t do your job.
Surely you can. That’s why hired you.

Can you see though how your fear of facing possible failure is setting you up for failure anyway? which in turn reinforces your negative core belief about yourself?

Now the question of what is required in your work situation:-

Good, hard numbers which requires-

a) Basic concepts
b) A knack for seeing patterns
c) Analysis, strategies, ability to connect dots
d) People skills – (i) Colleagues (ii) Superiors (iii) clients
e) Initiative, working individually
f) Out of box thinking

In which of the above do you feel you are lacking? Is there any specific area outside these four items where you feel like you lack ability?

Please do correct me if I am getting it wrong somewhere 🙂

Regards
Nina

Hey Aiyanna

Good idea. It actually improved my concentration to turn off the internet on my phone and put it away in a drawer. Then there was a new practise of taking a walk for a few minutes a day outside without the phone with me. It felt a bit uncomfortable at first but then it felt rather nice to enjoy my surroundings for a change. But I still love my phone 😛

Facebook has been off for almost 2 months, had to reinstall whatsapp to avoid actual inconvienience. Fb had just turned into a useless activity – realised I was calling people more and texting less as a result of deactivating things. Rather glad about this cuz phone calls with most people make me nervous.

Thanks for reading and good luck to you.

Regards
Nina

Yep vs, I wish you the best too. And I hope your family is in better health soon. Stay strong.

Dear BJ,

Criticism is indeed hard to swallow. We internally flinch when it comes no matter how ready we claim to be. More so if it’s rough and we aren’t entirely at fault.

However, don’t take it personally.

Easier said than done though, right?

What you need to consider is how you feel about your ability as a person when you are criticized. There are two points to note here-

1) a growth vs fixed mindset – your focus is on getting better, taking the good from the shit thrown at you to get better instead of having a fixed belief about your ability. Change your view of critique, see it’s benefits and it’s true purpose. Analyze your views about your ability at your job and see how you have changed over time. How did this happen? Through feedback and experience.

2) differentiate between constructive criticism and being bitchy – sometimes bosses are plain mean. They say all kinds of unreasonable things. It’s important to know what you can really change as an accountable employee and what is really their personal problem spilling over to their interaction with you.

Now the next thing is what to do when you are given a “talking to” –

Usually I retreat to the washroom, take deep breaths, wash my face. If I am especially angry, I write an angry note on my phone and then delete it. In case you don’t have that kind of time, keep a squeezeball on your desk for the unpleasant feelings.

For thoughts related to your ability at work being linked to critique, consider point 1 and 2 to question your own beliefs. The key to dealing with negative thoughts is similiar to dealing with any habit – it either has to be replaced with a new habit or has to be constantly questioned to prevent it.

Now leaving all of this aside, ask yourself if things will be really bad this time? You have already managed the previous times – this one surely you can manage. You got the job, you have the capability and also the patience to take the critique that is necessary for improvement at times. The part where you need to draw the line is unhelpful, vindictive critique which borders on unprofessional and bitchy.

What do you think?

Regards
Nina