Thank you Anita. I am a good person but sometimes I forget.

I want to tell my boyfriend when he comes back tomorrow that I don’t want to marry him Now. I know now thanks to you Anita, that I just want to marry him so that my mother could start loving me. Reading all of my all forums five years ago above,  I see that all I want is my mother’s love . I want to tell my boyfriend that he’s a wonderful man but I need to get to know him better and that needs time. I can only hope That he agrees with me and that he stays. We are amazing together. We are best friends and lovers and partners in crime. He is a part of every being of mine.

I can only pray that he will give me the chance to work on our relationship. Please pray for me because I am praying all high tonight.

namaste

Thank you Peter

Anita,

Thank you for jogging my memory. i was doing the same exercise at 3 am today as I couldn’t sleep. I was reading my diary back to myeself. I am utterly devastated by this “semi-break-up”. he is coming back to our apartment tomorrow night to “talk”. I know what that means. Even reading all my thoughts from 5 years ago, i am failing to tap into what I want from this situation. I thought that i know myself pretty well but I can’t seem to think about anything but him and what he is going to do. I think i understand what you are saying above about my relationship with my mother. Am i to apply the same logic to my boyfriend? Up till Sunday, apart from breathing, the only thing i knew was that he loves me. Did I just create that in my mind?

I will know more tomorrow. I can only hope I get through today and tomorrow without contacting him. I have been desperately trying to talk to him with very limited response from him. God I am back to being the 17, 20, 22, 27, 31 year old girl. i don’t know when I will learn.

Sorry for the moan filled post.

you 100% right Anita. I am that girl! the youngest of 3 and the trophy. My sisters do take care of my mother but because we all live in 3 different countries, I get the responsibility. I am the only American one and my mother loves America over all the countries (even India where she lived for more than 50 years). She is well capable of taking care of herself so she isn’t a burden by any means. My boyfriend knew what he signed on for when we met. I am 100% myself with everyone. I told him to leave many times as I am not a conventional girl when conventional family and family roles. But going to America was more for our lives together than my mother. Housing in Dublin is very expensive and neither one of us can afford it. I have a home in America so I find it very hard to live in a dingy apartment in Dublin. He feels the same way so it was discussed that move to America is for our lives. I also promised him that if he doesn’t like it in America (after 2 years), we will move back to Ireland forever. My mother will happily live with my sister in Canada.

I think the reality is that he doesn’t love me. I have to accept it. It may take me a few weeks but I will have to accept it. As sweet as Inky’s words are, I do not think anyone will ever look back and regret leaving me because they never loved me in the first place.

Thank you again for somehow knowing who I am!

Thank you anita. That sounds right! I do love my parents above all regardless of what they do or don’t do for me.

Thank you so much for your kinds words.

I can’t believe you remember me from October, Anita. I have since left my awful job and now I am working with a great boss who wants me to grow. Dad passing away was a real shock and it came in the time when I was starting to love everything in my life. I still love everything in my life but now I just have the added responsibiity of my mom. Which isn’t the end of the world. I am just venting about these things. I am really trying to stay center.

Hello All,
I have been reading everything you guys have said all this week. I know I struggle with depression and it had rared its ugly head again. Thank you for all the kind suggestions and thoughts. I love the idea of pampering myself when others critize. I do agree with the presence of that very loud inner critic I have. I am slowing getting into my routine in Ireland. Joined a gym, walking out of work whenever I can early. I have also started reaching out to as many people as I can to get another job. What had frustrated me the most, outside of the mean boss, was the fact that I have no learning and mentoring at this job. I took a very low level job after my MBA( after working 10 years in the financial sector and making 6 figures) thinking I will learn about a new industry and work with a very successful CFO, instead, I do adminstrative and clerical job which no MBA will do for 30k. I feel belittled and unappreciaited but above all, I feel angry with myself for taking this position. Lucky for me, I am using this anger to network and put my resume out there. I will find a job that will give me mental satisfaction.

All I am battling now is the intense feeling of tell my boss to f**k off. I am going to use the letter technique where I write down everything I want to tell her. Read it the next day and burn or tear the paper.

Wish me luck everyone. And thank you so much for your insights.

S

I love how everyone has talked about fear in this thread. It is fear that is making me so sad to go back to Ireland. Ireland is a beautiful country but because of circumtances and my confidence issues, I have not given it a fair shot. I am very lucky as in life I have been fortunate enough to get choices but I feel like I am free falling now. I am dreading seeing my boss in less than 24 hours and I am dreading going back to my cold, unfriendly house. When do I start knowing the difference between my problem and not my problem? Like when do I start acknowledging that some times people are ass&&les and I really can’t help it? when do I stop blaming myself for “not trying hard enough” “not givning my all” and “not letting go”…when?

I thank the universe for my life everyday but I am sick of not having it easy. I know people who have always gotten everything they want in their lives. Now coming to states, I see people having beautiful babies, getting engaged, married, getting promotions. Why am i stagnant? I have an MBA, should I get one job with an understanding boss? 1 boss!!! Sorry guys. Just felt like venting. I don’t mean to sound like a brat but I am pissed that I can’t make heads or tails out of my situation right now.

Thank you for listening. To sign off, I would like to recite the serenity prayer:

God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.