Forum Replies Created
i was not going to reply to this message as it was quiet negative but I see that you work for TB and many people turn to this site for help so i will reply to make sure you know not to answer someone who needs your help with this type of message. Firstly, you don’t have to remind me of what my mother did or did not do. Secondly, people grow. do you know how hard it is to forgive someone who gave birth to you? I have spent enough $$$ and tears to get to a place I am at. I have learned to look at my mother as a person. She is an amazing woman. She was married at 8 so she had no childhood or anyone to teach her how to look after a child. She was abused by my grandmother and she still fought to educate her 3 girls. I will not forget what has happened to me but at the age of 38, I will forgive for myself. So before you go recaping everyone’s past forums to them, please take a deep breathe and give them a benefit of the doubt. I am learning, I am growing, I am happy. If I have come to that juncture of my life where the biggest worry i have is to pick between 2 between countries, I think I am doing quiet well.
i apologize for being harsh but I really mean this. The kind people on this site have saved my life. I want other lives to be saved as well. thank you for the work you do but please be mindful when you answer poeple because reminding someone of their sexual abuse and childhood neglect can be dangerous.
I do remember you. You are so kind. I genuinely believe that its prayers from good people like you which has helped me through my darkest hours. I have been so down and out lately but whenever I feel a moment of joy, i think of the good people who pray for me. I don’t think any thing you have said above is minimising my grief. on cont-rare, its telling me that I am not alone. I miss my partner immensely but I know that with time, this will pass.
Sia, May you always spread the light you do everywhere. May you always rejoice in the fact that you have made a sad girl happy today. May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you live with peace.
Thank you Peggy. It makes a lot of sense. I am able to break things down and understand that outside of my relationship with my mother, she is a person who has suffered a lot in her life. This has me wanting to care for her. The difference is that I don’t expect her to be anything more than she is to me now. My ex in a way has showed me this. I told him once (in one of our breaks) that I can’t keep chasing someone to love me as I have been doing that all my life with my parents. That was a moment of clarity that was shown to me by the higher power but when I started telling myself stories, I back tracked and stayed with him knowing that it wasn’t right.
I will not quit on myself again this time. I am going to spend time with myself. For now, I am giving myself 6 months to date myself and no one else. Once I can establish a relationship with myself, I’ll look into getting in one with someone else. I am going to heal and grow from this pain. I am determine to do that!
thanks you and namaste.
Thank you Anita. I appreciate all that you have suggested so far and will miss hearing from you.
Thank you Mark.
i have to trust the plan my higher power has for me. If my partner wants to work on us and himself, I am happy to keep trying but if he doesn’t believe there is enough for him in the relationship to keep trying, we will call it a day. I am trying my best to accept that the universe does have a plan for me and it will be a great one!
Thank you Mark. I have had a hard time and been dealing with the best of my abilities. I am a codependent and I went to a 12 steps meeting today. I am rereading the “codependent no more” book and I am determine to find the love within myself. I have been hard on myself but I had a mini breakthrough today. I found my old journal from 5 years ago and my coda workbook. I reread some of the months of my journal which I use to write in everyday. I was going through a breakup that time too and blaming myself for everything that went wrong. I also played the victim in my story. I was the villain and the victim. After crying for what seemed to be a long time on the floor, I had an insight. I have learned a lot from my journey earlier. I have been controlling in my relationship now and will be working on making sure that I am only responsible for my actions and reactions, not his. But it was a healthy relationship. It’s easy for me to fall into “I messed up” cycle but I didn’t mess up. I showed up authentically in my relationship. I spoke my truth. Raised my hand when I didn’t feel like myself and had to take time off. Went on solo trips. Really enjoyed my me time and really took care of myself. Yes, I had a relapse and fell into my codependent tendencies but I caught myself and owned up to my part.
I would love to keep working on my relationship with my boyfriend because I love him a lot but I won’t do it without him giving me the same authentic presence.
mark, I didn’t understand the “crucible” comment above. Can you elaborate or explain?
again I haven’t been able to sleep. I am in agony because I do love him so much. I have been sitting with my feelings and realizing that I have to leave my relationship. It’s so painful. I couldn’t picture myself as a child as there are not many pictures of me around but I do I deserve to be loved by someone who is sure about me.
thank you so much
That is it dear friend, I really don’t know what my gut is saying. A part of me wants to walk away but another part of me thinks of all the beautiful things we have together. Our memories and his kindness. I think I keep pushing him away by contacting him so I don’t know what the hell is going on in my mind. I think my mind is quickly making a wall around me to save me from hurt but instead it’s hurting me more. Thank you for your prayers.
Thank you so much
i am struggling with being between a rock and a hard place. I love him a lot. If it is between him and marriage, I would pick him. But I know I deserve more. I deserve a commitment. I have let him know of my intentions today but I did say that I want to have a home and move towards a better life. He has asked for time to think about it as he doesn’t know what he wants. I have said that we will talk when I get back. It’s tough to know what is going on this far away. I know I am clinging to straws but I want to make sure that he knows that his love means a lot more to me than a ring.
please pray that I get some resolve to my problem. Either we call it off or we go forward. I won’t remain in a limbo long.
I am sorry but i am not understanding what you have said above.
I know that I have issues and so does he. The fact that my mother doesn’t love me doesn’t determine my feelings for her. for me she will always be my mother. I respect all elders. i am kind to all so I don’t know why I would be any different to my mother. She fights her own demons. I cannot imagine how it was to be her. she came from a dirt poor family, married at the age of 10. She worked at my grandma’s farm more than 16 hours a day. The only thing that worked out well in her early life is my father. My father who was a kind hearted sweet man, grew protective of her once they came of age. She was abused for not been able to conceive. Than she was told that my father will have to be remarried to a woman who can give him sons. my dad never agreed to that but my grandmother made sure that the abuse and the guilt was laid thick on my parents. Before I was conceived, my mother went through many grueling religious and hack medical processes to make sure I was a boy. When I wasn’t one, She didn’t want me because she was sick and poor. My father fought to keep me alive.
I empathize with my mom because I couldn’t imagine myself in her shoe. Regardless, of what my parents views are for molesters and world in general, they gave me a comfortable life and made sure I had a fighting chance of being the best i could be. I am grateful to them. I am grateful for my mother for cleaning houses and coming home to clean and cook for me while I went to school. She isn’t a “mother” in the sense we except but she is one to the best of her abilities.
Anita, I know the parallels between me asking my boyfriend to love me in the conventional way, dating, moving in together, engagement and marriage way. And asking my mother to love me like a mother does where my tears don’t go unnoticed and I am allowed to be vulnerable. but I don’t see any other parallels. I am walking away from my love because I think I deserve better but my Buddhist teachings tell me to not have any expectations. We have a good relationship where we support each other and are friends. I am confused as shouldn’t that be good enough?
Yes, the plan is to move to chicago in January or February next year. I can see myself living in Dublin without any influence from my mother. I know she will never love me. I, don’t chase it so much any more. My feelings for her are of respect and sense of duty for my father who passed away two years ago.
marriage for some reason feels like the ultimate step in a relationship. I have always thought of it as the goal of a relationship. You are right. He hates change. He just got a better job and he is adjusting to it.
My issue is that, I was always told that when someone loves you, they don’t walk away from you. We have had a wonderful relationship but he is confused if he is staying away from marriage because of his demons or because it’s me. He doesn’t think it’s the later but I can’t help but take it personally.
on the subject of my mother, I did pick a fight with him after she fought with me. She said “i should’ve just aborted you when I had the chance. If it weren’t for your father, you would’ve never been born”. I asked him why I have to keep chasing him for what I want in a relationship. I have chased my mother a lot all my life for love, why do I have to do the same with him? That’s when I decided to walk away from us. Then I thought about how much I love him and gave him time to think about it. He then came back and said, he doesn’t feel good about it at all. First time he left to think because he felt disconnected with me. Now we are close as ever but he still doesn’t feel good about the ultimate commitment with me.
I feel like suggesting counseling to him but I am not sure if he will agree.
I don’t know how to go back to Ireland. He is home for me.
Thank you so much for all your help Anita and everyone!
We have decided to keep working on our relationship. Its a bit tough for me as I think I lost myself the past year with all the wedding talks. I feel insecure about us everyday as he walked away from us. But i keep wanting to work on us even though I have no idea what the future holds for us. Is it possible to keep loving someone without knowing what future holds?
any help would be appreciated.
Wanted to give you a quick update about what happened. My boyfriend came home and he said that he has been feeling disconnected with me for a few months. He said that I was pressuring him so much into this wedding timeline that he couldn’t cope. He tried as hard as to be on the same page as me when I came to weddings, children and moving to America, but he isn’t. I asked him if he ever sees himself being ready to do that all those things with me ever. And he said I don’t know.
Then had told him about my need to please my mother and that the wedding thing could be out of the need of making her happy. I want him not a piece of paper. I also told him that I will only move to America if it suits my career. I don’t know when that’s going to happen so then he’ll have decide then what he wants to do. Till then if he promises to works on our relationship I would like to work on it. I would like to go back to basics and get to know each other in real each other. We are still talking and talking about our bond and love which is special. We are talking about concentrating on each other and ourselves before moving any forward in our relationship. I still don’t know where we stand but I am optimistic.
ill update you further once I know more.
I thought of that. My mother is one of the many reasons I want to move back to the states. the biggest factor being my friends and familiar places. I don’t have a car or a proper place to live in Dublin. I am going to tell my boyfriend that I will live in Dublin till my job is fulfilling for me. I work for a small company and my boss is the best boss I have ever had. he supports me and helps me grow in my career. But he is also looking to sell the company to a bigger company, if that happens, than I want to go back to the states. If my boyfriend stays with me, he can then decide what he wants to do with that information. I won’t make him marry me to move with me and I won’t have a LDR. i have had 1 of them and that 1 too many.
I have a feeling that my temporary status is one of things that makes him rethink our relationship. He never wants to leave Ireland but he also doesn’t want to take steps to improve his living situation in Ireland. We live in an expensive small apartment in the city center because none of us drive (I have an US license. he never got his license). there is a housing crisis in Ireland where no house in dublin will cost less than 500,000 euros if you want space. So we remain in an uncomfortable flat with no way out. that is the most frustrating part about him. he will complain about a situation but won’t do anything to improve it. Maybe this break up won’t be the worst thing in the world 🙂
The talk is supposed to happen this evening so in 6 or 7 hours. I will definitely fill you in on all.
You are right that I have to abandon the dream of getting loved by my mother. I am accepting it very slowly everyday. Since my father has died, this has been very apparent to me.
All I can do with my boyfriend tonight is to tell him that I love him and I would like to stay in our relationship and grow together, marriage or not. Of course he may have different views. I am just preparing myself for either answer but I do want him to know that I lost myself in our relationship because I was happy. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped meditating daily. I stopped nurturing my body with foods I enjoy. I stopped going to my codependent anonymous meetings. I was so happy to be with him that all other things took a backseat. I will tell him that I have made a promise to myself to be good to myself and if he thinks he can be with someone who won’t make him the #1 priority, then he should stay. If not, I am ok to move forward in my life without him.
Thank you for your insights and kind words. Reading these forums makes my day 🙂