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Thank you Anita. I am a good person. I sometimes forget.
Here is what I want to say to him when he is back tomorrow. This is regardless of what his decision is. I will say I don’t want to marry you now as you are right, I am rushing things. I now know why, it’s to get my mother to love me. If I got married she will begin to love me. Thank you Anita for the above recap. I had this insight as I was walking home with tears in my eyes. I don’t know if I want to marry my boyfriend. I want to eventually get married but it’s not now. I want to tell him that he is a good man who I want to get to know better. And he should get to know me.
I am praying today that he hears me and stays.
Pray for me!
Thank you Peter
Thank you for jogging my memory. i was doing the same exercise at 3 am today as I couldn’t sleep. I was reading my diary back to myeself. I am utterly devastated by this “semi-break-up”. he is coming back to our apartment tomorrow night to “talk”. I know what that means. Even reading all my thoughts from 5 years ago, i am failing to tap into what I want from this situation. I thought that i know myself pretty well but I can’t seem to think about anything but him and what he is going to do. I think i understand what you are saying above about my relationship with my mother. Am i to apply the same logic to my boyfriend? Up till Sunday, apart from breathing, the only thing i knew was that he loves me. Did I just create that in my mind?
I will know more tomorrow. I can only hope I get through today and tomorrow without contacting him. I have been desperately trying to talk to him with very limited response from him. God I am back to being the 17, 20, 22, 27, 31 year old girl. i don’t know when I will learn.
Sorry for the moan filled post.
Thank you Peter. The story is beautiful. I know my need to control my future is a big issue. I think I thought of it as a security blanket for my relationship. Marriage for us not only fills my insecurities but also makes sure that we are together (visa and stuff). But I get that in wanting nothing, you get it all! Trick is how does an unenlighten…mere beings ever stop wanting?
i will look forward to your comments in 16 hours. My boyfriend is kind of a “living for the now” guy. I love that about him. His profound loss when he was young, taught him to smell the roses now. I guess it’s one of the reasons why he doesn’t love me because I am a planner. I plan the hell out of life. He also says (his words) I run 100 mph and he is a 70 mph kind of guy. Not many in the world can run that speed. My readiness and planning has always rewarded me in my life with my family and my career. I know that you can’t plan love but I do want a marriage and life with someone I love. I have craved to be a family with someone all my life. I want to be important to someone other than myself. I want someone to ask me about my day and really want to know.
a part of me wants to run to him and say screw it …we won’t get married. We will live in Ireland rest of our lives …but I don’t think it will change anything.
you 100% right Anita. I am that girl! the youngest of 3 and the trophy. My sisters do take care of my mother but because we all live in 3 different countries, I get the responsibility. I am the only American one and my mother loves America over all the countries (even India where she lived for more than 50 years). She is well capable of taking care of herself so she isn’t a burden by any means. My boyfriend knew what he signed on for when we met. I am 100% myself with everyone. I told him to leave many times as I am not a conventional girl when conventional family and family roles. But going to America was more for our lives together than my mother. Housing in Dublin is very expensive and neither one of us can afford it. I have a home in America so I find it very hard to live in a dingy apartment in Dublin. He feels the same way so it was discussed that move to America is for our lives. I also promised him that if he doesn’t like it in America (after 2 years), we will move back to Ireland forever. My mother will happily live with my sister in Canada.
I think the reality is that he doesn’t love me. I have to accept it. It may take me a few weeks but I will have to accept it. As sweet as Inky’s words are, I do not think anyone will ever look back and regret leaving me because they never loved me in the first place.
Thank you again for somehow knowing who I am!
Thank you Anita, Inky.
I really appreciate it. He is a good person so I am sure he isn’t making any decisions lightly. I am mindful enough to know that one part of me (the one which is his best friend) knows that he has issues trusting anyone with his heart as his mom passed away when he was young and his dad remarried an abusive, alcoholic woman. I empathize with him and only hope he is not in pain. the other part of me (the girlfriend) feel betrayed as we are so good together. Either way, this experience is going to leave me shattered for a little while and all I do is be patient with myself to go through with it. As for my mother, she is Indian so if I told her the choice was between taking care of her and being married, she will always pick the later. I am not anyone till i get married, in her eyes. I dreading telling her but I will wait on it till later to tell her.
Thank you again for all of your kind words. I appreciate it.
your kinds word to me helped me a little so I hope my words help you. I was molested when I was young and I kept going back because that person gave me the attention my parents didn’t give me. I am 35 and not a day goes by when I don’t blame myself for it. But let me be clear, this man was touching me inappropriately and making me touch him. it was disgusting. what you said above doesn’t sound inappropriate to me but I come from India where people are affectionate. I use to like an older boy (maybe 13 or 14) when I was young and if he ever picked me up or kissed me on my cheek, it made my day. I never think badly about that person as he was a sweetheart.
I hope you can understand the contrast above. 1 man was a paedophilic and 1 was just an affectionate person.
I hope this helps you a little.
have a good day 🙂
Thank you all for your wise words.
Anita, my mom is alive and very tough woman. I love her a lot as she has been my mom and friend for a while. She is very loving but she also has a strong sense of “showing off” to others. I am treated very much like a trophy child. I often wonder if she would like me if I was less than perfect. She is very much in love with my middle sister though who was the youngest child for 9 years before I came along. Nothing my sister could do would deter my mother from loving her from being lazy to having boyfriends from different cast who didn’t graduate high school. She complains about her but also loves her a lot.
As far as for the boyfriend, we talked about the parks. I do like that we are good friends so I can tell him my crazy thoughts. He said, he has been planing on going on a hike with me but doesn’t want to go when its so cold that we can’t even hold hands. he said, he can play in the cold weather cause he running. He gets so hot when he playing soccer that sometimes he has to take his shirt off. Fair enough. I don’t what will happen to him and I but I do need to let go of looking for “unconditional love”. I think my love for myself is the best I can do! or any of us can do for that matter!
Thank you anita. That sounds right! I do love my parents above all regardless of what they do or don’t do for me.
Thank you agian for your thoughtful words. I know that this will pass.
The shock of my healthy father’s death is with me all the time. Sometimes I forget that he is gone. I have not experienced death of a loved one for 20 plus years. A part of me is afraid that my codependency is surfacing and the importance I am giving to dublin is magnified due to this. I am a codependent and I will be for the rest of my life. I do love my boyfriend but don’t want to depend on him to anchor me through this tragedy. I have a tendency of revolving my life decisions around men. My boyfriend is due to tell me if he will ever consider moving with me to Chicago. If the answer is yes, we will continue dating. If no, we will go our seperate ways. I am afraid that I will make the “stay in Dublin” decision because of him.
S$%tty thing is that another reason I don’t want to move back to the States is my single life suffers in Chicago. I haven’t dated a man from Chicago in many many years and don’t get the attention I get in Dublin in Chicago. As a loving daughter, you can see why these thoughts are making me feel like a selfish little child. My dating life cannot be more important than my mother’s happiness but I am making it out to be.
the guilty, the grief, the confusion and the saddness is overwhelming. I feel stuck!
Thank you so much for your kinds words.
I can’t believe you remember me from October, Anita. I have since left my awful job and now I am working with a great boss who wants me to grow. Dad passing away was a real shock and it came in the time when I was starting to love everything in my life. I still love everything in my life but now I just have the added responsibiity of my mom. Which isn’t the end of the world. I am just venting about these things. I am really trying to stay center.October 17, 2015 at 8:38 am in reply to: How do you know when it's your problem and when it's others? #85540
Thank you Anita. I am looking him up now. What are your techniques? I was trying to look for forum about inner critism and I couldn’t find it.
Glenda, I wouldn’t dream of doing that. I am writing on a piece of paper and burning that paper. I don’t need anything that badly but I don’t ever want to burn a bridge.October 16, 2015 at 11:44 am in reply to: How do you know when it's your problem and when it's others? #85506
I have been reading everything you guys have said all this week. I know I struggle with depression and it had rared its ugly head again. Thank you for all the kind suggestions and thoughts. I love the idea of pampering myself when others critize. I do agree with the presence of that very loud inner critic I have. I am slowing getting into my routine in Ireland. Joined a gym, walking out of work whenever I can early. I have also started reaching out to as many people as I can to get another job. What had frustrated me the most, outside of the mean boss, was the fact that I have no learning and mentoring at this job. I took a very low level job after my MBA( after working 10 years in the financial sector and making 6 figures) thinking I will learn about a new industry and work with a very successful CFO, instead, I do adminstrative and clerical job which no MBA will do for 30k. I feel belittled and unappreciaited but above all, I feel angry with myself for taking this position. Lucky for me, I am using this anger to network and put my resume out there. I will find a job that will give me mental satisfaction.
All I am battling now is the intense feeling of tell my boss to f**k off. I am going to use the letter technique where I write down everything I want to tell her. Read it the next day and burn or tear the paper.
Wish me luck everyone. And thank you so much for your insights.
Thank you Jack. Anita I’ll start the thread now. Thank you
I love how everyone has talked about fear in this thread. It is fear that is making me so sad to go back to Ireland. Ireland is a beautiful country but because of circumtances and my confidence issues, I have not given it a fair shot. I am very lucky as in life I have been fortunate enough to get choices but I feel like I am free falling now. I am dreading seeing my boss in less than 24 hours and I am dreading going back to my cold, unfriendly house. When do I start knowing the difference between my problem and not my problem? Like when do I start acknowledging that some times people are ass&&les and I really can’t help it? when do I stop blaming myself for “not trying hard enough” “not givning my all” and “not letting go”…when?
I thank the universe for my life everyday but I am sick of not having it easy. I know people who have always gotten everything they want in their lives. Now coming to states, I see people having beautiful babies, getting engaged, married, getting promotions. Why am i stagnant? I have an MBA, should I get one job with an understanding boss? 1 boss!!! Sorry guys. Just felt like venting. I don’t mean to sound like a brat but I am pissed that I can’t make heads or tails out of my situation right now.
Thank you for listening. To sign off, I would like to recite the serenity prayer:
God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
Thank you so much everyone. This has helped so much. I don’t have a data ready phone for the States so I can only reply when there is WiFi.
I do have to say that I haven’t given it my all. My monk always says, when doing a task, give it everything you got. I will give my job that and prepare myself before speaking to my boss. She is very good at what she does but I have put her on a pedestal which makes me very nervous when I speak to her. I have to put her down from that pedestal and tell myself that she is a human not God. She can be wrong. I do have to stand up for myself. I don’t mind walking out of this job but I want to do it with dignity. The child in me has gone through so much in life. I do have to be mind to it like Anita said.
Let’s keep this thread going. I invite people to talk about what they go through. Together we can create a support system for each other. I’ll follow up with my updates soon.