Forum Replies Created
Thank you for your wise words Jasmine. Alas, I can’t change my path now. I am already very invested in my move to a new country and already here. I know getting my degree is a great thing but I was running away from my pain. My ex hurt me so much that prematurely I thought I have outgrown the pain. I got attention from men in Ireland and I took that as my self esteem getting better. As a woman of Indian descent, I am always told by my family and relatives that my purpose in life is to find a husband and have kids. I have pretended to not care for any of that in front of them for so long that I forgot that those views are engraved in my brain. Every partner, every friend has been looked upon as a “knight in shining armor” by me. Finally someone here to rescue me from a lifetime of loneliness that my mother promises I’ll have if I don’t lower my standards and get arranged married.
I don’t know where to begin to heal myself. There are childhood traumas and adult traumas. Throughout all of them I have only blamed myself. I know I have been judging others because I have been judging myself. All the meditation, all the self help books, self nurturing spa trips, international travels, shopping, etc will never erase the words my family has engraved in my head….”you will be alone rest of your life because you are stubborn”. Due to these “Teachings”, I find love outwards and make sure I push it away to fulfill mine and my family’s prophecy.
I did take your advice and set a goal for myself. Hopefully it is achievable. I am still in pain but I know I will prevail. Thank you again for listening and replying back.
Thank you cherrymom. I appreciate the words of wisdom.
Thank you jess. Funny thing is that when I did metta meditation and walked outside for a bit, I realized what you just said. He has his journey and I have mine. I have caused so much emotional harm to myself and my loved ones when I use to drink beyond my bodily limits. With love for myself and my body, I am making healthy choices after learning the hard way. When I picked a fight with him the other day, I didn’t acknowledge the fact that he is cutting himself off. Granted, the cut off came a beer too late but he is trying. All we can do is try.
I am going to be my best self in this and other relationships in my life. I have to begin with my relationship with me first. Thanks for the wise words. They made my heart feel lighter.
Thank you This is May
Thank you again Matt. I actually did run a bath for myself that Saturday. I felt needy and clingy and started being angry at myself for being that again. There is a night and day difference in my speech to myself. I am still critical but a bit kinder to myself. You are right, I have been less nurturing to myself lately. I have packed up my schedule with so many activities that my body is fighting with my mind. I have to slow down. My Bikram yoga instructor put it in the right way to me last night. He said “what’s the rush?” “where are you trying to get? Its all here now”. I see that every time I go away from the present moment (Which is often), I become neglectful of myself.
The man i am talking to is also far away from me and I keep comparing him to my ex even though he is my friend not a boyfriend. We are getting to know one another oppose to the dominant men i have always dated. I dated men who told me what speed the relationship had to go in. Lack of a good male role model made me follow them like a puppy. This time around, I have a friend in a man I find attractive and he always reminds me to stay present and to be me. I come first. He has become a good friend. Getting close to him scares me because its unfamiliar to me. I don’t know how to just think about me. what does Sapna want? I don’t know. It was always easy to follow my ex because my life was mapped out with him. Now I am standing in front of a blank canvas and I have no idea what to draw.
Thank you again for listening to me….
I am so grateful for you and everyone else on this site and in my life.
I just wanted to write you to let you know that I can relate to you. My heart got broken really bad this past summer and that really woke me up. I guess one can only rise up when they fall. My dear brother, i don’t wish that kind of heart break on anyone but I am not writing you to tell you about that. I am writing you to tell you that all the answers you seek are within you. After loosing someone i thought i would marry, I realize that all my life i have ignored the one person who has always been with me, ME. I started meditating. At first, I started meditating just to calm myself down. I would cry every other minute of the day. I was actually prescribed medicine to calm down but I don’t like taking medication so I turn to the holistic alternatives. Meditating first felt like the most boring and impossible thing to do then I started taking walks by myself. I started talking to myself. like really talking. I started to be kind to myself. Meditating became easier.
Its been 8 months and I have to tell you that i am kind of falling in love with myself. I know it sounds vain but everything is looking better now. Even my job. Even my unloving family. Even dating. This doesn’t mean I don’t stumble. this doesn’t mean I don’t get upset at myself. I do but now because I am friends with myself, I come back to myself and talk it out. Seriously, you sound like a great guy. try to get to know that great guy. Give yourself that kindness. Go get yourself an ice cream cone when you feel like having one. Go take yourself out to a nice dinner. The miracle of all of this is, when you start liking yourself, everyone else will start noticing it. Everyone wants to be around happy, loving people. try giving that love to yourself first and rest will all fall in place. Like Pamela said above, you will have to make some changes in your thinking. You will have to put in that work. Its not easy.
I am sorry I am all over the place with my thoughts. Oh ya, one more thing, one of things i did after my breakup was that i took a solo trip to Ireland. That trip reminded me who I was. I remembered that sweet, loving, charismatic little girl who got buried under the self hatred. Try it
Sending you a lot of love and courage.
God when I read your post, I went back to me a couple of months ago. I cried everyday. I was sad everyday, every minute of the day. I was in a long distance relationship and both of us tried so hard to make it work. At the end, he abandoned me. I have big time abandonment issues so it triggered a reaction in me that i didn’t think I was capable of having. I was devastated. I lost weight. My work suffered and my some of my so called friends just stop hanging out with me because I was the “sad girl”. This went on for about 5 months but everyday the pain got a lighter. Very slowly though.
I turned to this site very early into my breakup and I thank god for it everyday. Here, I found people to relate to. People to guide me and just someone to listen to me. You can see all the forums I started last summer. It was Matt (the guy who wrote above) who helped me the most. He gave me some advise that i still to this day follow. He told me to make room for my heart to feel this pain. He told me to nurture myself. He told me to take care of myself. He also told me to read a book on codependency which has helped me tremendously. He also told me to meditate. I followed everyone’s advise. I have to say that I did things the “right” way after this breakup. The pain of this one was so bad that i couldn’t bare to continue on my old path. I didn’t go out and drink. i didn’t find anyone to “replace” him.
When I became friends with myself again, i realized that this breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me. You see in our failure is when we find the strength that we have. I whole heartedly believe that my ex was sent to me so that I can learn to be in love with myself. I believe that I deserve better. I can’t tell you that this path is easy. I can’t tell you that it is not painful but I can tell you that when you finally start loving yourself, you will be happier than you have ever been before.
I met someone on solo trip aboard. We are not in a relationship but for 2 months, i have talked with this individual everyday and i will tell you that my every believe about how relationships should be have been shattered. What I am finding now is way better than my expectations. I have found my best friend. I have someone who cheers me on and reminds me everyday (if i ever forget) that i come first in my life. We laugh more than i have ever laughed in my life. He makes it so easy to be me. I am not sure if this man will be someone i will end up with but I know that he has changed my life and my view of love forever. Never again will i ever short change myself.
I know that this will happen for you. the fact that you have reached out to this community lets me know that you are on your way. So please hang on one more day. Smile at least once a day even if its for 2 seconds. Please please be kind to yourself. Hug yourself when you are sad. Talk to yourself when there is no one to talk to. Within yourself you will find something that no one outside of you, not even you ex girlfriend or any girl for that matter, can give you. You can give yourself that unconditional love that no one outside of you can give.
with my good wishes and love
Someone who has been there….
I can’t give you any wise advise but can tell you that I feel same as you. I have had a LDR and it failed very badly. He just wasn’t the right guy for me and I wasn’t right for him. I also have huge abandonment issues. I just recently met someone who i think is my best friend. I met this man on a trip a month ago and we haven’t stopped talking to each other. We don’t have a relationship but he has become my partner in crime. I can see myself being with this man for the rest of my life. I get so scared at times because I have been on that road before but what brings me back to present is the fact that its not fair for me to compare this man to any other person in my life who has left. Also, Its not he who is making me happy, its me. I control my feelings.
Meditation for me has been a blessing. Everyday, I spend at least 5 minutes in silence and let my thoughts run around in my head. The thoughts eventually calm down and i am able to focus on me. It is also very helpful that this man listens to me. He hears me clearly. He knows my issues and he yanks me back to the present whenever i wander off. He always reminds me that no matter what happens, he is my friend first.
Trust is not about trusting anyone else. Its about trusting yourself. Trust me, I can’t preach to you because everyday is a struggle but I can tell you that you are on a right path. I reached out to my fellow Tiny Buddha writers about 6 months ago and the transformation i have witnessed because i followed their kind hearted advise is amazing. It takes times and a hell of lot of work but when you begin to trust yourself, the results are beautiful. I hope you believe me.
your fellow struggling sister
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. My dear friend you are not alone. I feel your pain like i am you. When I got to Dublin, as soon as i got to the airport, i wanted to go back home. When I got to my hotel, I sat down and cried for a long time. I then took a bath and reminded myself how strong I was. I reminded myself that before my ex, I lived and I am going to keep living now. I got ready and walked around the town. I decided to buy myself a good dinner. I am very indecisive so it took me an hour to find a pub that i found “ok” to walk into. After a few minutes of awkwardly sitting at the bar, I started talking to the bartender. Rest was history. I met amazing, happy people who wanted nothing more than for me to smile. I opened up to them and they to me about their life experiences. I talked with a 24 yr old man and an 80 yr old man. With no prejudice, i talk to everyone. I finally felt like me. I finally took a deep breathe. I went back to my hotel and slept for 15+ hours straight. I slept like i hadn’t in a very long time.
This trip was the best trip of my life because it reminded me what i forgot long time ago. It reminded me who i was really.
I urge you to look inside yourself and see the light all of us see in you. Write a grateful diary everyday. Everyday, I write 3 things i am grateful for. one of those things always is “Me” because i am really trying. I give myself credit for spending a few moments of blissful happiness everyday. It doesn’t matter if that moment is only 30 seconds long and that i spend more time crying. That 30 seconds i only getting longer and longer and tears are drying up.
Do it…tell me how that makes you feel then.
Thank you Sia and Matt for great feedback. I agree with what both of you have said in your own way.
I know that i am still healing and this is such a new experience for me. I have been looking for a change in my life. I am trying to “re parent” myself which mean questioning the values and restrictions, some self learned from childhood and some self imposed. The failure of my last relationship has been a true learning and growing experience for me. I am now seeing that light that is within me. I am now seeing the divine (as Matt put it) energy in me. In Ireland and London, i saw myself as the fun and spontaneous girl that i was when i was little. I met amazing people with amazing life stories. Inspiring ones. People who found themselves heartbroken and lost and in the middle of south america.
I don’t know why my heart is telling me to move to Dublin but i know that I will always wonder about it if I don’t. I know i have to separate my need for a change and my feeling for this wonderful man. This man who is a good person and a good friend. I am spending this time taking it a moment at a time. this is a real test for me. I live in the past or the future all the time but to hold on to that one moment when i am talking to him, is amazing. I will continue to meditate and work on myself. I will continue to self nurture. Its going to be a long journey…hopefully 🙂
Thank you again guys. you guys are truly my soul brothers and sisters.
I agree with Sam. please give yourself a chance to see what is best for you. Don’t get me wrong, it is so hard to stop thinking or talking to the one you love but he has made his decision. It is not fair to Fe to keep holding on just in case he changes his mind. I had my heart broken about 4 months ago. Trust me, I think of him everyday. we were also in a LDR and I did contact him in a middle a few time. I was begging him to take me back and he respectfully declined. One of the biggest deal breakers for any relationship should be one person not wanting to be in the relationship. i know its a no brainier but we emotional, heart broken girls always forget it.
Give yourself a few weeks, months or years to really get to know Fe. See what she likes. Find out what makes her happy. Who knows this guy may not even come close to the person who is worthy of you. Maybe he will. You will never know without putting space between you and him. At the end, none of us will ever tell you what to do. this is just been my experience and its been working out well. i will tell you that i miss my guy but i don’t think of going back to him. I am going through this personal transformation and honestly, i don’t think he deserve me.
good luck …remember you are beautiful. 🙂
Thank you for the replies.
If anyone on this forum ever needs a friend to talk to please dont hesitate to contact me at sapna84 at hotmail.
I still get sad but I dont cry too much about it. Its getting easier. More I get to know myself, the more I smile. Its going to be a life long journey of discovery. I have attracted some good people in my life recently. I still dont like to go out so much but when I do..I am having a blast. I laugh out loud everyday. I still cry on a regular basis because of different demons but I laugh a lot too.
Thank you for the wonderful wish. I love everyone on this site cause all of you are beautiful. Very grateful to have found this place and for life.
Thank you Danielle. I do believe in letting go and if they come back they were always yours. I don’t think that will ever happen with me and my love though. All I can do is love him from afar. I know that he doesn’t feel that way about me (I have asked) but I can wish him well and I hope he feels this way about someone …one day.
I can’t lie and say that I didn’t for a few minutes day dream about how it would be if he came back but loving myself also means to know that I have to put myself before him. My heart knows that I picked him to love because I knew he would break my heart. Now while I get to know myself and start loving myself, I can’t ever go back to that.
For right now, I will cherish the few hours of happiness and learn to console myself in the endless hours of pure sadness of losing someone I love(d)
I do hope that the latter part of your wish for me will come true…me growing up and loving myself. I will take that. 🙂
I wish you the same joy in life.
Thank you my dear sister.
Thank you Shana
What a beautiful wish! I love it. At this time I don’t think it would be possible for me to love anyone more than this man but I am trying to give that love to me. The only wish I have for myself is to start loving myself. I just want to treat myself right. I am trying to get some self worth so that when and if I am ever ready to put myself out there again, I will know the difference between love and lust….honesty and diciet….real love and illusion 🙂
Thanks again Shana and good luck with everything in life. I wish you love.
As I look back on my 80 year journey, I wish I would’ve been kinder to myself. I wish I would see the beauty that was in me. So much of my time was wasted trying to find happiness outside of myself. I didn’t value myself enough to be picky about who I shared myself with, physically and mentally. I let one man after the other use me different ways and as it suited their lives. At times I felt like I had no value. All of this was my doing as I never appreciated the way god has made me. Over and over again, I picked the same friends and lovers with different faces. The same people who would “prove me right”. They were all proving my own belief that I wasn’t lovable. that I wasn’t worthy.
I wish I would’ve loved you and given you the love you never got from your family. I wish I would’ve spend more time re-parenting you and less time missing a man who was like every other man you thought you loved. I wish I would’ve given you the same compassion I gave everyone.
On a positive side, I am proud of your big heart. I am proud that even when you were dying inside, you put a smile on at least one person’s face, everyday. I am proud that you have the biggest heart. I am proud that you didn’t think ill of anyone for long no matter what they did to you. I am proud that you didn’t hold grudges.
If I can turn back time, I wish I can show you a mirror so you can see the depth of inner beauty.
It does …very much. thank you Bodhisatva for posting this. Thank you Sia for saying what you did because i do think that i am god’s special child. Many time, i forget how much i am loved by this universe.
Matt, once again i am amazed by the clarity of your thoughts. i hope to get there with daily meditation. I am watching myself better but get sad many many times a day. I will get there one day. its a work in progress. 🙂
Funny…I was just thinking about this. I see people I know who are dishonest and deceitful and they get everything they want. They never get “pay back” for their lies but me on the other hand…one bad thing and I get the pay back with 10x more punch. I wonder about karma too. Why do some people get it sooner and earlier than others?