Thank you for your wise words Jasmine. Alas, I can’t change my path now. I am already very invested in my move to a new country and already here. I know getting my degree is a great thing but I was running away from my pain. My ex hurt me so much that prematurely I thought I have outgrown the pain. I got attention from men in Ireland and I took that as my self esteem getting better. As a woman of Indian descent, I am always told by my family and relatives that my purpose in life is to find a husband and have kids. I have pretended to not care for any of that in front of them for so long that I forgot that those views are engraved in my brain. Every partner, every friend has been looked upon as a “knight in shining armor” by me. Finally someone here to rescue me from a lifetime of loneliness that my mother promises I’ll have if I don’t lower my standards and get arranged married.

I don’t know where to begin to heal myself. There are childhood traumas and adult traumas. Throughout all of them I have only blamed myself. I know I have been judging others because I have been judging myself. All the meditation, all the self help books, self nurturing spa trips, international travels, shopping, etc will never erase the words my family has engraved in my head….”you will be alone rest of your life because you are stubborn”. Due to these “Teachings”, I find love outwards and make sure I push it away to fulfill mine and my family’s prophecy.

I did take your advice and set a goal for myself. Hopefully it is achievable. I am still in pain but I know I will prevail. Thank you again for listening and replying back.

S

Thank you This is May

Thank you again Matt. I actually did run a bath for myself that Saturday. I felt needy and clingy and started being angry at myself for being that again. There is a night and day difference in my speech to myself. I am still critical but a bit kinder to myself. You are right, I have been less nurturing to myself lately. I have packed up my schedule with so many activities that my body is fighting with my mind. I have to slow down. My Bikram yoga instructor put it in the right way to me last night. He said “what’s the rush?” “where are you trying to get? Its all here now”. I see that every time I go away from the present moment (Which is often), I become neglectful of myself.

The man i am talking to is also far away from me and I keep comparing him to my ex even though he is my friend not a boyfriend. We are getting to know one another oppose to the dominant men i have always dated. I dated men who told me what speed the relationship had to go in. Lack of a good male role model made me follow them like a puppy. This time around, I have a friend in a man I find attractive and he always reminds me to stay present and to be me. I come first. He has become a good friend. Getting close to him scares me because its unfamiliar to me. I don’t know how to just think about me. what does Sapna want? I don’t know. It was always easy to follow my ex because my life was mapped out with him. Now I am standing in front of a blank canvas and I have no idea what to draw.

Thank you again for listening to me….

Sapna

I am so grateful for you and everyone else on this site and in my life.

Thank you

Dear Cathal,

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. My dear friend you are not alone. I feel your pain like i am you. When I got to Dublin, as soon as i got to the airport, i wanted to go back home. When I got to my hotel, I sat down and cried for a long time. I then took a bath and reminded myself how strong I was. I reminded myself that before my ex, I lived and I am going to keep living now. I got ready and walked around the town. I decided to buy myself a good dinner. I am very indecisive so it took me an hour to find a pub that i found “ok” to walk into. After a few minutes of awkwardly sitting at the bar, I started talking to the bartender. Rest was history. I met amazing, happy people who wanted nothing more than for me to smile. I opened up to them and they to me about their life experiences. I talked with a 24 yr old man and an 80 yr old man. With no prejudice, i talk to everyone. I finally felt like me. I finally took a deep breathe. I went back to my hotel and slept for 15+ hours straight. I slept like i hadn’t in a very long time.

This trip was the best trip of my life because it reminded me what i forgot long time ago. It reminded me who i was really.

I urge you to look inside yourself and see the light all of us see in you. Write a grateful diary everyday. Everyday, I write 3 things i am grateful for. one of those things always is “Me” because i am really trying. I give myself credit for spending a few moments of blissful happiness everyday. It doesn’t matter if that moment is only 30 seconds long and that i spend more time crying. That 30 seconds i only getting longer and longer and tears are drying up.

Do it…tell me how that makes you feel then.

Your sister

S

Thank you Danielle. I do believe in letting go and if they come back they were always yours. I don’t think that will ever happen with me and my love though. All I can do is love him from afar. I know that he doesn’t feel that way about me (I have asked) but I can wish him well and I hope he feels this way about someone …one day.

I can’t lie and say that I didn’t for a few minutes day dream about how it would be if he came back but loving myself also means to know that I have to put myself before him. My heart knows that I picked him to love because I knew he would break my heart. Now while I get to know myself and start loving myself, I can’t ever go back to that.
For right now, I will cherish the few hours of happiness and learn to console myself in the endless hours of pure sadness of losing someone I love(d)

I do hope that the latter part of your wish for me will come true…me growing up and loving myself. I will take that. 🙂

I wish you the same joy in life.

Thank you my dear sister.
Sapna