Forum Replies Created
Thank you everyone for your kind words. Really this site has made me feel so loved.
Neesa, I remember your story. you are a very strong woman! thank you for all the kind, loving words. I wish you every happiness in this world. A woman like you certainly deserves a good man.
Matt, as always you have given me the gift of hope and logic. I thank you. I have to tell you that I found some old emails (in my tablet) from my ex and I. there was just so much love and promise in those emails. It took my breathe away. I tried not to read them and delete as fast as I can but some of those emails were unbelievably touching and heart warming. I know the truth now as actions always speak louder but my stupid heart wants to go back to the days of those words. in this arms. its both sad and insulting to the woman I want to become but I can’t help it. I can’t lie and say that I didn’t give my ex a hard time. I have trust issues and I made him prove himself to me. When I read those emails, I read how much I loved him and how much I hated doubting him but at the end all my doubts were true. He even told me that all my concerns were true. he never completely understood me so he disregarded my concerns and told me things he thought would make me happy and secure (not meaning a word). My stupid heart is yet to believe what my ex has already confessed to me. my heart keeps thinking the he still loves me. I can see that I am learning a lot about myself through this pain but my heart always goes back to him.
E, you are amazing! thank you for your kind advice. I think most of everything you said is true, if not all of it. I am waiting for when my mind and heart will catch up to the reality of this situation. its so surreal to me. I hope you heal soon. I wish you love.
Peace, thank you. your sweet response made me smile and cry at the same time. I have always been very compassionate but the only person I fail to show this loving side of me is me.
Haha that’s great. I get it. I know this “getting to know myself” process is difficult at time but i can see the humor in all of this. I know all the answers already. they are in me. also like everyone says “the proof in the pudding”. The fact that none of these relationship lasted and the fact that I asked more questions as time passed with all these men, is a good sign. I should be proud.
how does one differentiate between giving people a “benefit of the doubt” and just living a lie? I mean I saw all the signs of me being a rebound but I kept telling myself that he is different. I know its a sign of insecurity to keep suppressing your inner voice but i really thought he was more stable than i. is that bad?
Thank you John. I appreciate you taking the time. you are right. i have always been in the mindset that ill be ok when i find “that guy” or ill be ok when i have more friends. I get it now. this has been an eye opening experience for me. its painful but i know it will only lead me to the right path of self discovery. I did cry today for the pain of being in a lie but it was a cleansing cry. it was like taking a shower after a long…bad day.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching and certain things are more clear to me now. I am adding on to this forum because I know now that addictive personality is another way of saying “rebound girl”. I have been the rebound girl for all the 3 men that have “loved” me like I was the best thing since sliced bread and all of them had 1 thing in common…long relationships that they ended a few months before they met me. I was (by their count) a total opposite of their ex’s. One had a girl who barely passed high school while I was finishing my bachelors and his parents hated her. They loved me. One had a girl who couldn’t hear or speak which if u knew me, u will know that its a total flip from me. Plus his parents also didnt care for her but loved me. The last one was with a submissive…”I won’t argue” girl for 5 years and 8 months later he was “mesmerized” by my out spokeness and out going personality. All these relationships ended badly with just me being hurt. I know that if I loved my self enough I would’ve never started any of these relationships but even though I asked questions and stayed alert, I still let these men in. The last one, I wanted to spend my life with. It is sad to know that I was a mere step for him to get over his past. I have never used anyone emotionally for a rebound. Isn’t there something called humanity? When u know that someone else is more into the relationship than u and u couldn’t possibly love them, wouldn’t u let them go sooner than in year and a half? The other men I mentioned were gone in 3 months so recovery from them was speedy yet hurtful. I have read all the great things everyone has written for me and I am getting to know me. I am doing many times better than a few weeks ago but I woke up this morning with this thought so I though I would share it with my wise brothers and sisters in this community to give their wisdom. My self worth is pretty low now and it hurts very much to know that every memory I had with my ex was a lie as I was present in therm 100% and he was with someone else in his mind. One part of me wants to contact him to know for sure and the wiser part of me tells me to leave it alone. The evidence of everything is in front me getting it affirmed by him won’t help. Any suggestions?
Thank you so much. I have to say that our stories are very similar. I was also getting to know myself when I met my ex. My radiance is what drew him in he said. I wasn’t in love with myself when I fell in love with him. But for now I have decided to take a break from dating even casual dating. I actually don’t go anywhere where I can get hit on 🙂 …when I asked my ex if he ever loved me…he said of course…,you are beautiful. That’s all. All my love ..my heart …my mind meant nothing to him…just the outside beauty. As u know, for someone with low self esteem, its a slap on the face. I mean we dated for a year and a half and u only stayed for the beauty?
U are absolutely right about true love. I witness it around me everyday. I have witnessed it in my life…my friends…my family. They stay with me through the good and bad times. I know one day I’ll find a man worthy of me and my heart. I know I’ll fall in love with me eventually.
U seemed to be an amazing girl. Please keep the journey of self discovery going. No one can define us. Let me sign off with a quote from Carrie Bradshaw 🙂 ….maybe some women are not meant to be tamed…maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with 🙂
Namaste Matt. Tatvamasi.
I do have many hobbies. Volunteering is one of them. In my grief one of the best things I have done is sign up for many volunteering events. By far my favorite is the nursing home. There is this feeling of impermanence there that makes me feel sad at first but liberated. My reaction to my breakup has had profound effects on my mother cause before this happened, she thought I was invincible. She is saddened cause she thinks after her no one will look after me. But I have been talking to her in a regular basis to let her know that I have the strength to pull through and be better after this. 🙂 …being a very traditional Indian woman she struggles with my
my wayattitude but she is doing better than excepted. That’s all we all can do…try to understand one another and be compassionate.
Wow once again you have guided me to see within. You are right, every relationship in my life (however painful) has been sustained by me because I would like to be with anyone but me. I have been cruel to myself and now I need to be on a journey to forgive myself. My ex had a profound effect on me because when I met him I thought I was ok being alone. I thought I was finally on my way to accept myself. As we got closer, I started letting me go. I started liking how it felt with him over how it felt without him…alone. This pain and shame in my heart about myself has consumed my being. I took a Hinduism class in school and had a brilliant professor who learned under hindu Brahmins in India. Learning from the old Hindu scripters, I learned that we are the center of our universe. We make everything happen in our life and In this world. My ex use to say those words to me and I thought “wow…finally found someone on the same wave length”. what I failed to ignore is that I was never on that level. (neither was he but who knows). I am starting to meditate now and keeping what you said about the seed and rain and sun…I hope to become the person I was always meant to be. Happy! I should be thankful for the fact that I have been blessed with a curious mind and a compassionate heart.
Thank you again for your great words. they stay with me whenever I forget how lucky I am to have had this experience.
Thanks again. It feel lighter to have told you what I have a hard time sharing with anyone. I have suffered through depression and mood disorder as of my adult years and
that manknew I was going through that. I couldn’t ever tell him about my childhood episode. He didnt understand depression so i didn’t think he would care for child molestation. also i didnt want sympathy. Anyways why I am telling you this is because I am trying to watch my thinking but dreams are now surfacing and in order to stop them I have to wake up like force wake up. I saw a live dream today about my ex and how he said he wasn’t going anywhere. He was here to stay. He was just testing me and we are made for one another. Can a person control their dreams? Also I see that my addiction to this is like any other addictions but I have never been addicted to anything so I don’t know how to let go this one. What can I read to learn more about this? I can’t have anymore as sleepless nights.
Always seeking guidance
Sapna (ironically it means dream)
Thank you Matt. You are very kind. I am always reading your advice on other forums.
I am trying my best to stay afloat. I know that I am a good person and that I deserve my love. I have never really connected to myself. I went on repressing one bad memory after another and blaming everything that happened to me on my “dirty” girl behavior. After this breakup, I couldn’t find the blame in him. Everyone around me (even my therapist) said that it is 50-50 in a relationship but I refuse to listen. I think I could’ve been kinder to myself and let go of him but the thought of being by myself was more miserable than changing myself for him.
him and I were very different people and ultimately that broke us. After every relationship I try to change myself. I don’t even know myself well enough to know that I am good just the way I am.
I am starting a very open dialog with my mother lately which has been very helpful as she is very close to me. I am continually reading blogs on this site and reading self help books. I even wrote a letter to my ex which I will never send to him but I am not ready to burn it yet. I do have to accept the fact that I loved him. I am also trying to give that love to myself. Him and I had a lot of plans for my home improvements so instead of forgetting about them, I am going ahead with the plan. One of the most painful things about our memories together is the fact that we travelled to beautiful places together but instead of seeing those places as a good travel experience, I keep thinking about him. I went to those places for his company and not the place and because of the pain of those memories, I am repressing them. My very first forum, you told me “stay off the foot” so I keep telling myself that and try not to think about the travels. how do I hang on and forget at the same time? sorry about ranting and ranting but you seem to connect with me with your kind and wise words. I think of those words when I am down. 🙂 thank you for your help.
You are wise man. I like how you say addiction. I have always been someone that has hard time trusting themselves. This is why I let people who give me even a little bit of attention in my life and heart. I read what you wrote on Crissy’s forum about being molested. I also struggled with that. it was someone who lived in our neighborhood. I was about 6 or 7 and he was 60. he would touch me inappropriately and make me touch him but I never told anyone cause I kept going back to him. He gave me the company I needed. I am youngest of three girls and when I was born my sisters were teenagers. my parents worked hard and they are great but never had time for me. I was very lonely. Fast forward to now. I am very accomplished. I am kind and sweet but I struggle with intimacy. I have let one after another man come in my life and leave me. almost like I am trying to prove myself right. I know that I am bound to be lonely all my life so I keep picking men that will do just that…leave. My ex lived in Italy and we had everything working against us but I worked very hard to make us work cause he gave me the acceptance I always wanted. I know that the acceptance comes from within but I have never been able to get out of the feeling of being left alone when I was young. I can’t let go of the embarrassment. a incident happen one day when I was with that man. some of my other neighboring kids saw us and told me that I was the “dirtiest” girl in the whole world. Of course these kids were 6 and 7 so I can’t fault them for being judgmental. I am pretty good in repressing my memories and the fact that this still is my mind 23 years later tells me that it meant something.
This man that I am so addicted to showed me what love is and than did the opposite of what he showed me….leave. That makes me very sad and makes me not believe in love.
Why after so many days does the hope remain? Maybe I have him on a pedestal and think that one day he will realize that he took the coward
s way out by breaking up a serious relationship over the phone and come by to give me closure. Another part of me says because Ilet him off the hook` by forgiving him right away, he doesn’t think its necessary to to do that…?? Either way he is always here in my mind. We did a big romantic trip in may and images of it are swimming in my head always. Yes of course there were many unnecessary silly fights but again he told me that we can work through it. He made me believe That we can fight through everything. I always yearning for that kind of love. The fight for me…love me unconditionally kind of love. Even if I learn to do that for myself…the longing for it from someone else remains. Is there a time line for this suffering?
I am indian and ill tell you that you did the right thing. Are you sure your ex was not gay? many indian men (especially from traditional families) have a hard time expressing their sexuality. Anyways, this is not about him. you are probably a smart and beautiful girl. please don’t think that this will be the only person you will ever be with. I know that you tried. Please remember there is a limit to how much a person can try. we are humans. Even god only helps people who help themselves. Grieve as much as you want over this broken relationship. take your time. There is no hurry. I know its easier said than done but read about others in your situation and write a journal about how you feel. I promise that one day you will wake up and it won’t hurt anymore. One day you will see that you were strong and you will appreciate yourself for standing up for what is right. You are woman and we deserve mental and physical love. we don’t live in the old ages anymore. we deserve better!
Lot of love.
So sorry that you had to go through all of that. its not fair. I don’t come from similar situation but my mother is a wonderful but very tough woman. She always tells me and my sister to look within before blaming others. When I was little and if I came home bloody because some boy pushed me, she will say “what did you do to provoke him?”. recently, I went through a devastating break up where the man just broke up with me few days before a planned trip. Again, my ma’s first response was, “what did you do to him?” she never hears my cries and sadness in my voice. But stubbornly enough and after 30 years of not saying anything, I sat her down and told her how I felt. To my surprise, she understood. I have been in therapy for a few years now for various issues, self esteem, self hatred, anger issues and always “self blame”. It helps a lot. I have actually started seeing a psychiatrist lately as well. she is very holistic and we are going towards a good path to find out if there is anything I can take to manage my emotions. I tried anti depressant but it wasn’t for me. I am more of a exercise and eat right kind of person. Any who, what I am trying to say is that please try everything you can to manage this devastating feeling of betrayal and depression. No one can relate to your pain cause its yours. We can all give you every advise in the book but eventually you will have to decide what you want to do. Please do not hurt yourself or anyone else cause its not worth it.
Another big part of my healing process is volunteering. When you see a sick or handicap child smile, you know that you are very lucky cause you don’t feel the pain this tiny, beautiful creature is feeling. Special Olympics organization does a great job of recruiting volunteers. When I see a special child hit a ball or run around the bases in their soft ball game, something in my heart melts and says “this is the most beautiful site in the whole world”. Please try to volunteer for people you can help. You can probably be a great role model for abused youth. Even in your “bad” times, you seemed like a very smart woman and a good person. don’t ever loose that!
A good person is what you are!!
love and lots of good wishes
Thank you everyone for wonderful advice and love. This site makes me smile and cry at the same time. Smile because u guys are so wonderful and ready to help. The humanity in all of you is amazing. All of you should be proud of being so wonderful. It makes me cry because I know the pain I am growing through and to imagine another humans feeling the same, breaks my heart.
I have no answers for you there. I have experienced one big death in my life but that was when I was a teenager. I think when someone is dead…u know that there is nothing u can do or say that can bring them back. The hope of having them dies with them. Though painful, it is not comparable to the pain when someone breaks your heart or gives up on u. That becomes a mixture of resentment, pain of loss, hope of ever being happy again and broken trust. I never will wish bad upon anyone let alone on someone I love but the fact that he is still there…living and loving someone else …kills my heart.