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Sapnap3

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  • in reply to: random question #40189
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thanks for setting me straight.
    Every time I feel insecure, I go back to thinking abouy my ex. I know I have spend more time with myself to stop putting myself down. I cut my hair off yesterday in order to get a different look but in reality I was trying to run away from myself. Now what’s done is done. Back to the pillow like u would say.
    Namaste

    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Billy
    Matt always has amazing insights and listening to him, however hard it seems right Now, always helps.

    Let me give u a younger sister point view. I am the youngest Of 3 girls. My parents were very hard on my sisters but by the time I was born they had no energy to deal with me. I was raised by neighbors and uncles. Whenever I was around my parents from the outside to everyone it seemed like they said yes to everything I wanted but the only thing I wanted was their attention. I acted up. I hurt myself by falling down and making my face bloody so that my parents could give me attention.

    Me and my middle sister still have a rocky relationship because she thinks I have everything in this world. See my parents brought me to america to give me a better life. They had to leave my sisters in India cause they were over 18 (its 12 and 9 yr age difference). My middle sister went through a lot alone. She did have my older sister who always has been closer to her than me but she still had a very hard time. At times I know my sister hates me but she fails to see that I have been alone all my life. My parents rely on me for their happiness. They treat me differently cause they have tied their hopes and dreams to me. Do u know how much pressure that is? I go from guy to guy to guy just to get married and get me out of my misery cause my parents say that the only reason they don’t cry to my sisters is because they are married.

    Everyday they say to me …oh we were done after your sisters but god gave u to us to make us happy. My mothers hold that on my head everyday to even get small things done.

    I started posting on TB cause my ex broke my heart. Now after crying everyday for 35+ days, meditating and exercising, I am finally getting a little better. I am telling u this because all that glitters is not gold. I always act happy in front of my family. I travel. My ex had a traveling job too. Heck he actually lived in paradise, the Italian alps. What everyone failed to see was my unhappiness. He and I didn’t get along. I was just looking for a way to get away from my parent so i stayed with someone who couldn’t even stand me. My middle sister always tells me that I have the best life. I have money and I travel. What she doesn’t see is the lonely girl sitting in a corner waiting to be picked up.

    Please know that everyone has their demons. No one has a so called perfect life. Granted u have been mistreated but do yourself a favor and stop mistreating yourself. You sound like an amazing person and I only read a post from u. Don’t you think u deserve to be happy?

    in reply to: Help! Feeling like there is no hope #40028
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Nico,
    Believe it or not but when I read your story, I hear an amazing woman. I can’t believe that after all that you have been through, you still had the courage to move to a different country, give your parents another chance and now you are thinking about going back to school. I know you are just thinking about it but you are! there are so many people in this world who never think of any solutions out of the pain they are feeling. please re read what you have written and see that person that I see. A brave woman who will do anything to be better.

    I am an indian girl who grew up in Bombay, raised in a slum. sexually abused as a child and totally ignored by my parents and siblings. I use to sit by a wall and talk to it when I was young! I made friends but my parents couldn’t decide what to do with me so I kept changing schools and than we moved to a better apartment. at the age of 14, it was announced to me that Ill be moving to America. I was so excited to go to college with my friends. I was so happy with my life because I finally had friends and my parent took me away from all of it for a “better life” for me. Bullshit! first few years in America were beyond horrible. I got bullied as I didn’t know how to dress. Indian kids in my school made fun of me because I dressed funny and had curly big hair. They crushed my already low self esteem. Than I went to college and surrounded myself with very damaged people. got into bad relationships and I have been beating myself for everything that has happened to me till now. Recently, the man I thought was god’s gift to me for all the bad things I went through, broke my heart. he not only broke it but stab it and ran his car over it! its bad. I cry everyday.

    this experience has opened my eyes to many things in my life. I have realized that my parents don’t know how to treat me because they also had bad parents. they never knew what a good parent should be. they do the best they can in their mental capacity. what they do is their problem. what I do is mine! I have also started making a grateful list. First, I am grateful for everything I have. second, I am grateful for being me, third, I am grateful for this time. I don’t many friends. In any given day, my phone never rings. I have acquaintances but I know that there are some people in my life who will be there if I needed them. those friendship haven’t been easy to keep or maintain but they are true. My friend once told me that most of the time she feels like punching me and hugging me at the same time. This friend has never been to a bar with me and is married with two kids. she is annoying and weird but she is a wonderful human being.

    What I am trying to tell you with my story is that if you reach for it, love is there. You reached out to TB community and look at the replies you have received. There are some amazing people in this world. all you have to do is know who are and decide who to have in your life and who not to. ask yourself questions. its ok if you don’t have all the answers. see a therapist. go to a place of worship and meditate. Please don’t hurt yourself. from one sister to another, its not worth it.

    in reply to: so lost #39874
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thanks john,
    It is very painful but I am have to remember how strong I am. I just have to keep reminding myself. The addiction to male attention is more powerful than I ever imagined it will be. More I “soul search” the more I imagine how things would’ve been with my ex if I only knew all of these things but I have to keep coming back to the present which is the only truth. Its so hard. I’ll keep listening to the song Matt sent to me by Christina Aguilara 🙂
    Anne
    Thank you for being so kind. I know that I am not alone when it comes to being ignored by their parents. Mine thought of me as a “crutch” when I was born. They thought here comes the child that will help us in our old age. I love them and will do anything for them gladly but they make me help them. They except it. They say that when I get married, they’ll stop excepting things from me. One of the biggest reasons I stay with men is to put me out of my misery from them.
    Besides all of these things, I am so proud of myself for never hurting anyone. Never treating a human the way I won’t ever want to be treated. Because of this kind of upbringing, I am a very empathetic person. I am sure you are just like me and a great mother. Your kids are very lucky.

    Thank you again for your kind words.

    in reply to: so lost #39808
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thanks Matt.
    I wrote in my dairy yesterday right after I wrote on the forum. The exact words I wrote were “he told me he loved me and left just like everyone else..friends…family”. I don’t know what happened when I cried myself to sleep yesterday but I didn’t see him in my dreams which hasn’t happened in a few weeks. I did tell myself before I went to bed that “I’ll never leave you”.

    I know I have a lot of work to do but I’ll take the very very small victories. For the first time, I don’t feel like over compensating for my “shortcomings” to my parents. I’ll just let them be. I can’t change them but they can’t change me either. They have done it for 30 Years. Addiction to men is something I need to deal with now.

    I know I’ll stumble many times in this struggle but I also know that there are people (all of you) in this world willing and able to show you the path to self discovery..self love and self acceptance.

    Namaste

    in reply to: so lost #39799
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thanks again Matt.
    Today I tried to find the child Sapna and I couldn’t even remember how I looked like. I didn’t even remember how I felt when I was young. I know I am good at suppressing my feelings but didn’t know that something that has effected my adult life so much could actually be forgotten. My ma has stopped talking to me because of my confrontation with her yesterday. She actually said that I hurt her feelings so much that her heart hurts and she will never talk to me about anything. I just feel like shit, I didn’t mean to hurt my mother. I have apologized to her many times but she doesnt care to talk to me.
    My mind started making a parallel between her and my ex because he like her never understood what I was saying. I was raised to know that when everyone feels the same way about u…it you who is the problem. I am so lost. I want to nurture the child in me but all i feel like doing is yelling at her for being so confusing and not being able to communicate to these people who once claimed to love me…what I feel.
    I wish someone was here to give me a hug and to tell me that it will be OK.

    in reply to: so lost #39730
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    I just read a low esteem forum from one my sisters on this site and realized that my self worth has always been low and this is the reason I keep getting into relationships with men who will not or cannot love me. It’s like a self fulfilling profecy. I keep trying to prove to myself that I am not worthy of love. I keep looking at my parents to give me the unconditional love that a child deserve but I am always disappointed. How can one love themselves when they dont know how to love? When they dont know what its suppose to look like? I excepted my ex to fill that void in me and for the most part he did. He also is broken like me so he could only do as much as he could. I have empathy for him and in some twisted way hope that him and I can work on these things together but I know that its not possible. He has to make the decision to take that journey himself. I can’t make him.
    Its so painful to always look for love and sabotaging it when I think I found it. I know I shouldn’t blame everything on myself but everything I have read on these forums has told me to look within. When I do that my mind goes back how I messed up in my relationships especially the last one with my love.
    Gosh what an eye opener these forums have been. I know ill be better one day to have had this experience but I feel like I have let opportunities of love pass me by for years due to this struggle. Suffering from sexual and mental abuse has left me feeling unworthy and undeserving for love. In my professional life, I think and know how I should be treated but its romantic love that breaks me and brings me to my knees. How can a person be two different people at once. John? Matt? Any insights my soul brothers.

    in reply to: so lost #39705
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Matt
    I feel like you are one of the angels that was sent to look after me. Every word you have said in any one of my forums to me has been loving and inspiring.
    I should allow myself to cry it all out. This feeling of attaching my self worth to men or others has been so exhausting. Everything I know about myself has been what others think of me. I am a great daughter. A good friend. A beautiful girl..etc. I don’t know if any of those titles are true. All I know is that I haven’t ever really been with myself. I was always isolated from my family growing up so I found solace in other people even the molester. I never wanted to be left alone because it was awful as a child. Even now. I know that what I had with ex was not true. It couldn’t be because he gave up and left but somehow my heart finds solace in his memory. I try to go back to the way I felt with him on my side.
    I embarrassed myself last night by trying to flirt with the cute guys from my company. I felt so low when I came home because everyone can see the desperation in my eyes. I was again craving male attention and trying to allure them with my body. I give myself to men in hopes of keeping them. Even my ex. I was sexually submissive to him in hopes of keeping him around. I have to grow up. I have to learn my self worth. I have to understand what real love means. I have to find out what it looks like when someone actually loves you for you and not just say those words. See again even as I type this…I am berating myself. Rehashing my old ways and just feeling awful about it.

    On a good note….
    I am so grateful to have found a family on this site. My true brothers and sisters who really are rooting for me. With all of your good wishes and love I hope to beat this addiction and smile once again. I hope to find that key to unlock my door for myself. To find love for the silly dreamer I am.

    in reply to: Having a hard time letting go.. #39704
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Hi
    I maybe the last person on this earth to give you advise but take it from a 30 year old woman, that you are lucky to have this happened to you now. My love left me a month or so ago. Its very painful to wake up everyday and not have a I love text from him. I am taking it so hard that I can’t stop crying. I cry at least two or three times a day. I had many boyfriends and no relationship has been healthy because I don’t know who I am. I have no idea what I want in life or in a man. I spent my life going from one guy to another just trying to find my happiness in them. I have no idea how to be by myself. I am successful. I have a great friends. I am a homeowner but without a man I feel like a failure. I am making a choice and trying to be better with myself now. Its so incredibly hard but I think I’ll be better in time
    I had one of my friends remind me of his story today. He was married to his wife for 6 years and she cheated on him. He went through a very painful divorce and for months couldn’t stop crying. Then one day he got up and decided to help himself. He is a religious guy so he reached out to his church and found the support he needed. He grew from this experience and after years of dating around and being alone, he found his wife now. He is over the moon. She has a similar story to my friend being divorce from her college sweetheart. Why I am telling you this story, because they took the time to find themselves. My friend said to me, the day you find your person, you won’t need him. So please take this time to do whatever it is you want to move on and be good to yourself. Its never too late to do that. Its painful for me because I keep repeating my pattern. I also think very highly of my ex, I love him and hate him at the same time but I know that the only way I can show my love for him is to let him go. I haven’t yet but I will. I have to respect his decision. I have to believe that there is something better out there for you and me.
    Heal first. Don’t pressure yourself to get in a relationship. Honor yourself. Love yourself.

    I wish you recover and I hope you don’t ever feel the way I do. I wish you well.

    in reply to: so lost #39699
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    I hear you Matt. You always give me good feedback.
    I just don’t know how to let go without suppressing. There is just so much pain in those memories and missing him. I feel my whole body going numb when these thoughts come to me. This is where I start berating myself because after doing all this work, I am still stuck on him. I am aware of all the things you, john, many women on this site and my therapist say but trying to get to know myself keeps sending me back to thoughts of him. I feel like I will never forgive him or myself. I know its been a month and I should give myself time but its so painful. My brain and my body hurt. My friends are sad because there is no smile on my face. I fake being OK at work because its work but I find myself running to bathroom to cry because I miss him.
    This pain is so unbearable. My self esteem is in the dumpster.

    in reply to: Changing the way you think….where to start? #39554
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    E,

    Sorry i didn’t see your response. I know that you are doing better now (i read your other replies to my sad forums). i am proud of you and you should be very proud too. you are such a strong woman and the schmuck that didn’t see what he had is a complete loser. this is all and all his loss. I know that we have to focus on ourselves now. what i love about all the women in this site is that, we all took an awful thing that happened in our life and are now turning it positive for us. We are also taking the time to encourage loving ones self in everyone on this site and beyond. We are some amazing women and the man that gets to spend his life with us will be a very lucky man.

    You know in Hindu culture when one gets married, you take the 7 circles around the fire, one of the promises you make to one another is that, “i will be your best friend all your life”. I have to remember that because my ex was never my friend. He hated the fact that i called him my best friend because he said “i was his girlfriend and his lover”. friend was a secondary term for him. One thing i know for sure is that when i choose to move on and be in a relationship again, ill make sure that i befriend the man before i get involved romantically. This is and has been a very painful experience for me but the best thing that it has done is got me looking at myself. I always thought of myself as “victim” but i am not. all of this happen to me because of me. What my ex did is his problem. That is a reflection on him not me. I think even if i was the best girlfriend in this world, he would’ve still walked out on me. I am glad this happened now and not in a few years. I get the chance to find out who i am.

    This is still a work in progress but i have some of my foundation laid down. I still wake up thinking of him but its not as bad as before. I am finally laughing wholeheartedly and its ok if i still cry every day. what’s important is that, i am not crying all day. baby steps. 🙂

    Thanks everyone.

    P.S – E you can email me at sapna84@hotmail.com if you need to talk.

    in reply to: He is really gone… #39415
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    I want to tell you guys about something that happened to me…I sat at a bench in a park on my way home today, talking to myself (thanks Preet). I re-read all of your comments for the 5th time and really let all the words sink in. I can’t claim that in a few hours I am “cured” but I can say that I felt really compassionate towards myself and my ex. I see now that letting me go is the most loving thing he has done for me. He has given me a gift that I will always be thankful to him for. I told myself to let him go. really let him go. I cried a lot and than I burned the calendar I have been keeping track of the days I haven’t contacted him. I told myself that the best way I can honor my love for him and me is to really let him go. Tell the universe to give him everything he wants and hopes for. I will still miss him and ill embrace those memories with love and tears but I will not go back and do would’ve …should’ve …could’ve…

    After I read one of the articles John recommended (maybe too early), for a second my mind thought “maybe after this experience, me and him can give it another go” but than I realized that why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? what will that prove to me? will it give me the self assurance and confidence that I need? would it make my ego feel better if I can only recognize myself for who I really am. I am someone who is not ok with feeling inadequate or sad. I am someone who Googles how I feel to find Tiny Buddha. 🙂 I have to recognize that I am extraordinary and I will never be with someone who will even try to make me ordinary, even if that is my old self.

    Letting my ex go mentally was so painful but for some reason after I said those words to myself and in a way to him, I felt lighter. everything looked a little brighter. I may not be there 100% (definitely 40% there) but I am on my way. I am so thankful to have found you guys to guide me. ill need more guidance from all of you and I hope to give the same love to you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. a million good wished to all of you.

    in reply to: He is really gone… #39375
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Definitely not going to contact him! you are right. its all ego. Subconsciously, i want him to realize that we were good together. An apology doesn’t mean anything if there are ulterior motives to it. I know that i am more compassionate than that. I will continue my journey to find myself. I will continue this dialog with myself to make sure that in the future when i meet my true partner (a stable person), i will never second guess my actions. I will know that i am being true to me and him.

    i know i am capable to giving a lot of love not only to others but myself too. i always thought loving yourself is selfish but going through enough broken relationships, friends and lovers, i am realizing that i have never been true to myself. i invested in everyone but myself. looking within is hard as the guilt and other feeling come up like unclogging a pipe. I have to promise myself to not get in the back and forth cycle of conversation with my ex because its not fair to him or me. I have to lead this path alone.

    thank you again John. I love the tough love. that’s what i needed. Matt is usually very gentle but i like that you took a tougher approach with me. i am sure this is not the last you will hear from me so keep that in mind 🙂

    in reply to: He is really gone… #39372
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    John, Preet,

    You are right. it is like a movie in my head. My mind made up a person in my head and failed to see the real him. I feel like apologizing to him after reading what you and Preet has written. I won’t but it make me really sad that i put a person in a position that i put my ex in.

    All the words he said to me when we began our relationship, my head turned them into a vision of a perfect mate. my perfect mate. When he started being himself, we argued because just like him, i made our relationship up in my mind. He had the balls to walk out while i still live in my la la land. granted he moved on after finding someone else but that’s besides the point. more i look into myself, the worst i feel cause i feel like if i could’ve just been a genuine person, we would’ve made it. i know it takes two to tango but all those things i was saying to myself that i was trying. i gave my all was a lie. i lied to him and myself.

    when we broke up, i called him a monster and now i feel like one.

    in reply to: He is really gone… #39365
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    John,

    you are 100% right on (again). i did idealize him. i made him such a hero that even when I read blogs on TB, my mind goes back to the things he use to say to me. He would tell me to be the center of my own world. He would tell me that he loved me for who i was. He would tell me to think positive. In all of these memories coming up, i forget that he also told me that its only him and i that matter in this world. He also yelled at me for anything i would do that didn’t fit his norm. He would also never let me in even though i would beg and cry about it. in the emails i re-read yesterday, there was so much hope and promise from him. he was to never leave me. we were in for the better and worst but i ignored the actions. i ignored that he was actively trying to change me. he was actively trying to make me like his ex. he was actively lying to me.

    I hope i start feeling like i am making progress and not feel like i am drowning. I feel so overwhelmed with his memories. i am still blaming myself for everything as he couldn’t do anything wrong. I will read the articles you sent but in time. I still feel very weak and unwilling to nurture myself. unwilling to look within to find that love. with him it felt so good. I don’t know how and when i can feel like that with myself. its such a shame that someone like me who has gone through real hardships in life is thinking this way. I grew up in a slump and moved to america when i was 14. i battled through my parent’s bankruptcy and put myself through college. I think I looked at all the men in my life as a rescue. i was so exhausted of doing everything on my own that when my ex said that he will be there for me forever, i decided to let him in and believe him. I was looking to change jobs beginning of this year and he told me to take that leap because even if was the worst decision, he was my net. he will catch me if i fall. those words were so powerful. i know i was and am a broken person and he is too. we both attracted each other because of that but what do I do of these memories? how do i forget those words?

Viewing 15 posts - 91 through 105 (of 128 total)