I think the second one resonates more, but i can’t seem to connect the two events.

Yes i mean i was mostly anxious/chasing but this time i was the chaser/fixer UNTIL things got steady, she “confessed” her feelings to me and how i made her feel in a poem that she wrote (which made me feel like something inside me shook), then we had the conversation that felt weird to me, then i lost feelings/dissociated.

I’ve always had this scenario in my mind, that maybe some day it would come to this but that wasnt a problem with me, if we had built a real connection for a year or two and we would have to decide, but this was too soon.

They were all short-lived (longest one 7 months), most of them toxic and i’ve always been the anxious/chaser, definitely not secure.

Hello anita
Yesterday i came clean to her about everything in my mind. My shutdown, my possible avoidant attachment, my depression and nothingness, i told her how much she meant/means to me and how she made me feel. She was kinda astounded and we both agreed on taking some time to see if we want to continue and how we are feeling.

Immediately after confessing everything to her i went even more numb and flat, felt like i cant care if she leaves or stays. I told her that i now gave you the power to “hurt” me and its something ive never done in my life, sharing the darkest parts of me.
My feelings of depression and apathy/anhedonia are still here ofc, i still dont wanna do anything.
I am really worried i pushed a great person away and i am gonna deeply regret it later.

Oh, how did that go? Did u have any side effects? did they truly help u get better or is it better off?
I dont take any yet, but the appointment with the psychiatrist is at the end of the month, so idk if he will prescribe me with some.

I mean if i can read the summary/meaning of the movie somewhere without having to watch it 🙂

Hey anita

I suppose u mean i force myself to do things? Thats what im trying to do lately but is been really tough. I am looking forward to my psychologist/psychiatrist visit to get some help.

I see your points and logically i know its the solution but its hard, as u probably know.
I have been working, going out for walks, playing some games, talking with friends, but nothing helps eventually. My mind still goes back to the solution-seeking mode, scouring the internet/chatgpt trying to find my feelings. Its a really tough process.

I havent found it yet, feels like whatever i do, my mind circles back to her/us, probably because that was the only thing i was enjoying.
Even before her, i wasnt much of a happy or driven person. I would function every day but i would rarely get any joy from anything. Life was grey.