Hi Charlotte,

Welcome to this amazing site. If you want quality people in your life, you have found the place for it.

You mentioned that you are struggling with anxiety. As you know, there are many expressions of anxiety. Some present in a mild form, singular, meaning it is caused by one thing, usually recurrent, while other expressions are because of a multitude of reasons. Would you mind telling me how your anxieties present? Is it one thing in particular or a number of events? Are the “voices off in my head” more like visual memories?

I can tell you that the feeling of inadequacy is a self-esteem issue. I think that in situations where one feels inadequate, it is because of a history of events in your life that have attacked thievery core of who you are and who you want to be. Some of these events can, and all too often are, due to constant exposure to negativity while growing up. This usually starts from within the family, from the parents. Inadequacy can also be perpetuated by comparing ones’ self to others. In many ways it is an admiration of what other people have that you don’t but wish you did. So because of what others have, the standard of how you should act, look, feel, etc has been set. This robs you of your individuality so it is easy to understand how one can get caught up in that current. How does your feeling of inadequacy present itself?

For many, many years I had feelings of inadequacy, that I was not good enough, etc. Essentially I was a prisoner to the past. Many years later, through various means that helped me understand, the sense of inadequacy I had had been eliminated. I realized that out of the, what, 7+billion people on this planet, I am the only one that is me, unique. I stopped comparing myself to others and stopped believing all the lies I was told about me during my upbringing. In doing so I made some HUGE space for me that allowed me to define who I wanted to be. Then I was so elated thinking about what am I going to do with all this space that allowed me to be who I wanted to be and not because of the dictates of others.

I hope that what I wrote is a good beginning that will help you along your journey’s in life, wherever that may take you. I’m here…

Pearce Hawk

Hi Demma,

My initial thoughts are that taking care of your dad, being their for him and your family is most important. As for dropping out of medicine goes, these are my thoughts. Medicine is a field that demands your utmost attention. Having left that pursuit for the reasons you have was perhaps wise. I think that medicine is a field that one cannot go into to see if you like it or not. It’s not a hobby. What it is, is that it is profoundly stressful both in the academic setting and the occupational part. But I think that if you question whether or not you want to go into medicine then it is a time to step back, as you did, and re-evaluate your intentions. I have seen many a person who has gone through medical school, then their internship and residency, taken the board exams, and quit after a few years. I actually witnessed an young anesthesiologist who totally quit her job immediately after surgery. I remember her saying, ” I don’t need this. It’s not for me.” She was fairly ew to medicine, 2 years out from graduating from anesthesia, but over $250,000.00 in debt. Something to consider my friend. The thing with medicine is that, at least here in the U.S., is that in the medical community feel they have been under assault by insurance companies for being increasingly targeted for less and less financial compensation, especially surgeons. This is difficult from to digest because when I hear about the new cars they bought, or the exotic vacations they take, or the house they just bought, or the astronomical cost to put their kids through private schools, it makes me wonder.

As for psychology goes, I think that there is a huge need for psychologists given the increasing stress of our world. There are many aspects of psychology you can get into as you well know. One option that I find exciting is forensic psychology. There is a huge need for that, not to mention the good financial compensation. That is not to say that the field of psychology is not without its stressors. Indeed they are there. I have a friend who is a family psychologist and his complaint is that he listens to problems all day only to come home to hearing more issues from his family. He seems like his life is inundated with other people’s problems and there is little time for him to think about his own. I don not mean to put a cloud over your educational pursuits. I think psychology is fascinating, especially the forensic aspect of it.

I think your thought process is right on, very mature.

Feeling like a failure for making a wise decision that you know was best for you, serves no purpose except to inculcate self doubt in your mind. I doubt seriously that your decisions to quit chem and medicine was out of weakness. It is my belief that it was made out of strength. It may not seem so now, but doing so affords you the opportunity to re-evaluate your future and come to terms with what it is that you really want to do. I have more respect for people who realize that medicine is not for them, than I do for egos that think they are the best to answer the call and yet they function marginally, not all, and do less than optimum health care. Their in it for the title and prestige. The difference between God and a doctor is God knows he’s not a doctor.

Stay the course my friend. You are doing fine.

Pearce

My friend, look at your plate…there is SO much on it. I think it is reasonable to think that many people would feel this much stress in their life too. You said, “I’m not looking for sympathy.”  I don’t see any of that in your post, bud. I think to deal with this is to take one issue at a time. Right now I am going through a lot of crap in my life and in the beginning I felt consumed by the notion that I have to take care of all that crap all at once. What was that BS I was thinking? So I decided to prioritize what I need to deal with. I don’t mind having a couple of so called issues come at me. It’s when it seems like a blitzkrieg of problems are coming at me all at once that I feel overwhelmed.

Check this out…You said, “I suppose the silver lining in all of this is that I have been racing my bike lately and i get some relief from that because i’m finally experiencing success, and seeing my hard work pay off.”  Doing this is HUGE my friend. as you said, you are “finally experiencing success, and seeing my hard work pay off.” So taking care of you is first and foremost. You are doing that and it works. Take care of you first.

Can you elaborate on the circumstances that developed in to depression? If not we’re good.

The divorce and the family dynamics behind it are easy to understand for the motivation for divorce. The memories of the way your dad treated you and your family are very difficult to erase, especially if they are recent events. Please consider this my friend…I have posted about this many times to others who have posted here…My dad died when I was3 months young into this world. My mom remarried about 2 years later. Being so young when she married, and through the years, I thought he was my dad. Without details I can tell you that what this demon did to me and my sisters as well was horrendous. I went to see him the day before he died, still not knowing he was my step-dad. I decided to be the man and step up and told him this: “Well I have to go now dad. I love you.” He didn’t say anything. As I walked out of the hospital room I asked him, “We won’t even see each other again and you can’t even say I love you too?” His answer was, ” I never did.” My response was, “I thought you were going to tell me something I didn’t know.” Leaving his hospital room there was a mirror hanging on the wall by the door. In this mirror I saw him flipping me off. I left it at that. One thing I want to share with you too my friend is he taught me something very valuable that I will be forever indebted to him.That lesson was how not to be. Like him. It was a lesson learned over the years and not some bs sit down talk with him.

Family abuse runs rampant in our society. My feeling is that it is more prevalent in African-American families. I have no idea why except for me to consider that it is probably due to a combination of socio-economic conditions. But, abuse is abuse and there is absolutely no excuse for it.

As for the therapy goes, what do you think about the option of going live online with your therapist? I would think that your therapist would be open to this. It may or may not be the same as seeing your therapist in person, but it still is a connection. Another thing that may be helpful is to talk with your mom, and perhaps even your sister, and ask them to go to therapy with you. This would unify each of you to an even deeper level.

As for dating…that can wait. School can be put on hold. I do not know if that is a option that you would consider, but school will always be there for you my friend.

Stay strong my friend. Tiny Buddha, and myself as well, will always be here for you too.

Pearce

Annie,

I think, imho, that what you say, that you have become, “Controlling, jealous and angry….”  is something that has been deeply rooted in your life. Many people are emotionally dependent on others, especially in their relationships, in order to fulfill a need. Do you think that you have been this way before your relationship with your man evolved?

Ella,

I do not think at all that you are a bad person. No way at all. I absolutely do think you can change if you want. Change is good. And I absolutely know you can change. Just don’t do it on somebody else’s time schedule or by how THEY think you should be. Take your time because it will take time. What I see in your post is a very strong woman. The low self esteem started back in the day when you were born. Family dynamics plays a HUGE role on this. I had self esteem problems myself for years and after a while my low self esteem started to wither away to the point where it is gone, got, gone. I realized that my exposure to elements in my upbringing were all lies, that my low self esteem was credited to believing all the lies my step-dad told me. So I decided to make a decision and create who I wanted to be and how I wanted to go about it. We all have a Phoenix inside us my friend. Resurrect it and define who you want to be and how you are going to do it. Identify, if you can, those things in your upbringing that created and nurtured your low self esteem and confront them head on. Because you have the absolute right to change your mind. My favorite line in Good Will Hunting is “it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault…” Bring out that amazingly good stuff within you and go for it.

“Your time has come, to shine, all your dreams are on their way. See how they shine.”

🙂

Pearce

Bianca,

It looks like, from what I’m reading here, he is genuinely in love with you and feels safe in his relationship with you otherwise I don’t think the proposal would have happened. It also looks like he is a caring person. Not to worry my friend.

Pearce

Tom Thank you for replying to my post. I hope your weekend is perfect.

First, I do not have a boyfriend. I have a girlfriend who is actually my fiancé.

I have some gay friends, men and women, who are edgy at times. Those times are when we are just having fun. Edgy can be funny. There are times where I am a bit edgy with my friends, perhaps for a minute or two, but I respect the boundaries. It also has the potential to go too far. When being edgy gets to the point in the way that Dreaming describes, when it gets disrespectful and in your face sort of thing, regardless of social situation, I believe there is some pathology involved. It can be funny or immature depending on the person and how far they choose to take it. However, when you said, “Impress that you are not trying to end a friendship, simply become more part of a circle.” I think that is a good suggestion. Can you agree that there are many other ways to “become more part of a circle?”

I hope you enjoy a fantastic weekend my friend.

Pearce