Hello Joe,

Thank you for responding.  I really do understand your frustration.  My brother went through something similar – is still going through it.

What I “hear” when I read what your vision of a happy life is what anyone’s life is without responsibilities.  You had reached a point in your life where you were finding a sweet balance of time with your kids, time for yourself and time with your significant other.

I’m wondering two things…what was it that ended your last relationship, and what is it about your current girlfriend that you fell in love with?

You say you don’t do anything fun or exciting anymore.  When you had the weekend gettaways, was that something you did spontaneously, or did you have to plan it a few weeks out?

Okay, that was a third thing I wondered about.  Write if you can, I’d like to read more.

Airene

Hello Julie,

You say here “I believe that if the love is there and real he wouldn’t be putting it on hold and having other love interests.”  How would you describe the relationship you have with your best friend?  Are you one of his “other love interests”?

I believe your best friend is being completely transparent and open about where he is at this time in his life, what he needs, and how he feels about his ex.

He does not want to be in a relationship with you at this time.  He speaks very clearly to you here, where you say what he has told you: “how it would only hurt me more because he would still be stuck on his ex and not getting the closure he needs.”

You are dismissing what he says to you when you say “I personally don’t believe him and his ex will last because they’ve had multiple breaks in the past”  Maybe they will last and maybe they won’t, and you can have whatever thoughts you have about it, but he feels what he feels.  And right now, he wants his freedom, and he still has feelings for his ex.

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh because I don’t mean it that way at all.  But you say you feel “he is in denial for what he feels for me“, but in actuality, I think you are in denial about his feelings for you…which is that he likes you as a friend (maybe even loves you…as a friend) but doesn’t want a relationship with you.

You decide what you need and want from the relationship as it is.  No hoping for this or that, or not believing him…his feelings might change, or they might not.  But you get to decide where you go from here.  Keep him as a friend, but continue pursuing other love interests of your own, or cut off the relationship completely because you want something other than what he is able and willing to give you, or??…you decide.

Airene

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Airene.

Hello Julie,

Has your best friend made any indication about his feelings toward you?  If he has said to you, “you are my best friend, but I’m still in love with my ex,” I would take that at face value.  Then you need to determine if this is a healthy situation for you.

When you love someone, it can be very easy to distort reality and project your feelings onto the person you love.  You may feel strongly about your friend – love him – and the love you have for him can have you turning a blind eye to what he might actually be feeling.

Airene

Hello AutumnGlow,

I’m so glad to hear that by coming here to talk your anxiety has dropped.  Keep posting, any time.

Airene

Hello AutumnGlow,

Where you say this:

“I still ‘get my days’ but nowadays it is more that I felt I could not move on. My head and heart were stuck in the past. Time had moved on….but I wasn’t moving with it.”

Where you say you felt you could not move on…is this in relation to what happened with the online relationship, or with your husband.  Where you say your head and heart were stuck in the past…again, is this relative to your husband, or something else?

The feeling of having someone pay attention to you is intoxicating, like a drug.  That kind of attention can be a light in a dark tunnel, it can be a fabulous dessert at the end of a boring meal.  I wonder….if your husband was giving you that kind of attention, would that fill your void the same way?

You talk about how you would treat a friend in similar circumstances.  I’d treat yourself the same way.  Be forgiving, and each day say something to yourself along the lines of “I used to [______], but now I [_________].  That might help put the past in the past, and keep you focused on the here and now.

Please post again to update us on how you’re doing.  Talking about what happened and what your feeling here can also help deflate the enormity of it in your mind.  Time will also do that, but talking it out helps move that along.

Airene

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Airene.

Hello Petal,

Anita does a wonderful job of reaching out, and I agree with all she has said and asked.  I wanted to chime in because I had a couple of thoughts too.

I understand why you stay with your husband, but like Anita, I wonder…does your marriage meet your needs too?  Do you know what those needs are?

I am in a marriage that has provided financial support, but not a whole lot more.  I have stayed for a lot of reasons, but being married to my best friend and soulmate aren’t those reasons.  I haven’t left because it would mean upset and disappointment for many people, and selfishly, it would mean a lot of changes that I am not willing to make at this point.

Sometimes understanding why we do what we do, and accepting that understanding can bring its own peace, and this can be a form of happiness.

I am curious…what are some of the things you love to do?  What are your interests?

Airene

Hello Niv,

Your post compels me to say, “Things will be okay.”  Sounds trite, but I believe it’s true.

I also agree with what Patrick says here, and I think this is where it all starts:

“More Importantly, you must derive happiness and joy from your own life before you can share it with others.”  I would also add that you must derive happiness from within yourself as well, before you can share it with others.  You seem to recognize this in theory, but it is the practice of it that trips you up.

I say this all from experience.

I also picked out this from one of your posts: “Unfortunately that also involved a lot of people pleasing in other ways, like trying to fight fights that weren’t mine or trying to be some sort of savior…” Setting boundaries can be exhausting and feel like you’re letting people down, but be strong….say “no.”  Inwardly or outwardly, it is effective.

Airene