Hello Anita,

You say the anger resulting from submitting to abuse doesn’t go away.  Do you think this is true even if a person works on overcoming that anger and understanding it?  Isn’t anger the cover for other emotions like fear and hurt and sadness?

What I’ve tried to do is become aware of what is behind my anger…it’s usually hurt, or disappointment.  Sometimes anxiety.

I’d like to hear more about your thoughts about anger Anita.

Thanks,

Airene

Hello GC,

It might help to take a step back and consider whether your anxiety is what is making you find reasons to leave the relationship, or if you are simply unhappy with the relationship.

I also think it would be good if you can find what you yourself are looking for in a relationship – not just the attributes you look for in the person. At all costs, find what works for YOU.  Not your sisters, and not your mom.

There are zero guarantees in anything.  If your thought pattern is to always search for what could go wrong, you will miss all the things that are going right.

Your thought that if you were with the right person, things wouldn’t be this difficult is a little off the mark.  Because no relationship or person is going to always feel “right.”  There will be disagreements and little things your partner does or says that will make you think you are not with the right person.  And you might want to change a person, but that never works!  You need to be able to accept the person as is…the good with the bad, the ugly and the pretty.  Wanting to change someone is a great way to take the focus off yourself.  When you find yourself wanting to change something about your SO, think instead about what it is that you need to change within yourself.

When you think that it might not work out, what is the worst possible thing that you think could happen if it doesn’t work out?  Would you be an emotional mess?  Lose a limb? Turn purple?  I’m not making light of this, it’s just that if you are focusing on the fact that it might not work out, you again are missing out on all the good, fun things in the relationship.

If you are having trouble letting go of focusing on the relationship and dissecting it, you might have to accept that this is part of who you are.

Wishing you the best,

Airene

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Airene.

Hi Anita,

Yes, your thoughts are helpful, and I do appreciate your perspective.

Yes, I agree…parents appear all powerful when we are kids.  It’s comforting when used to protect us, but when it’s used to control or keep dysfunction moving along, it can be damaging.

Your comment about my brother and sister who rebelled, feeling fear at first, but then went to anger…is anger the precursor to rebellion?    Though age has mellowed them somewhat, I think they both still live in a state of anger and rebellion. And although my mom passed in 2001, this brother and my sister – still – make reference to my mom’s yelling, or talk about how they responded to something and “sounded like mom”.  It’s almost as if time stood still for them, and they haven’t moved beyond all of that.

Thanks for listening Anita.

Airene

Hi Anita,

Likewise, I find your insight with other members so helpful.  I also appreciate that you are present and available.

You are perceptive too. I remember a lot of our family life revolving around my mom…her needs, her opinions, her feelings, her likes and dislikes.  It was the norm for us, but as an adult, I can see it was not healthy.  You ask where my siblings and I were in all of this.  Truthfully, as long as we were perfect, all was well.  I’m being somewhat facetious, but the reality was if we behaved perfectly, did the right thing, said the right thing, reacted the right way – at least perfect in the way that accommodated our mom – all was well.  That has been a difficult thing to overcome – to not be perfect and just be human.  It’s sad to type that, but it’s true.   My one brother and sister probably had it the hardest because they rebelled.  My other brother and I were more complacent and tried to keep the peace.

When she yelled, I don’t remember feeling angry as much as I felt helpless –  like I had to do something to make it better, whether I caused the anger or not.

In my other post, I called out my dad as not being particularly loving or supportive, but to be fair, I don’t recall my mom ever saying to me “I love you” or telling me she was proud of me.  She would tell other people she was proud of her kids but “I love you” is not something my parents felt comfortable saying.

Thank you for your response and insight.  I appreciate it.

Airene

Hi Strllit,

My dear…I can feel your sadness and I have known this kind of sadness.  Props to you for doing all the right things to pick up the pieces and carry on.  The gym = very good.  Being with friends = also very good.  Shopping, distracting…all good things.  I hope you know on some level that time will lessen your sadness and you will find your north again.

My sense of what has happened is that it has nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with your ex.  It also has to do with the fact that your ex has no idea how to talk about his feelings, if he even knows what those feelings are.  A lot of people don’t know how to talk about their feelings, and don’t even know what they are feeling.

I want to reassure you that again, this has n-o-t-h-i-n-g nothing! to do with you.  It is about your ex, what he was feeling, and ultimately, that he didn’t know how to talk about his feelings.  Initially, he took the cowardly way out by not contacting you.  To his credit, he at least formed the words that he wanted to break up with you.  I would bet that he still doesn’t know exactly what he is feeling.

Perhaps he was feeling that he wanted to marry you, but the thought of marriage and all the responsibility that comes with it scared him.  Or, he was feeling pressure – not from you, but from his family.  That kind of pressure can make someone rebel, even if they are not aware they are rebelling.

When he called you and said he wanted to break up and that he thought he had lost his love for you, did he go into any detail?  Please write more if you feel it will help.

In the meantime, I hope you are doing well and taking really good care of yourself.  And I’m so glad you came here to express your thoughts and feelings.

Airene

Hi Megan,

Is there a chance he will cool down after some space and time and realize he overreacted?

Yes, of course there is a chance of that happening.  And I wouldn’t doubt if he does reach out to you.  Also, saying he overreacted minimizes his feelings about what happened and doesn’t build a bridge, but tears it down.

Can I get him back?

Do you want to get him back?  I think the relationship that you have with him is a glimpse into what your future will be if you continue the relationship, unless you both work on a) communication and b) trust.  Trust is the foundation of any good relationship.  He admits to having trust issues.  He called you a lying bitch.  You texted someone innocently and you even talked openly about it with your boyfriend. If you stay with your boyfriend and get married, in 10 years, if you are texting another guy about where your kid’s baseball game is and what time, is he going to flip out and bring up this and any other offense?  I would consider this very carefully.  Because this is one (big) problem after you’ve been together a year.  The longer you are together, the more issues come up.  And it’s not the issues necessarily – it’s how the two of you communicate and handle the problems together.

You say you realize it was wrong to text another man.  Is this truly how you feel? Because earlier you defended yourself to your bf and told him you did nothing wrong.  But it bothered your boyfriend, and so now you are saying that it was wrong to text the guy.

Your boyfriend felt you were leading the other guy on.  Is that true?

You say you really want to work this out.  If this is how you feel, call your boyfriend and talk to him.  Acknowledge his feelings about what happened.  Explain how you felt when he was accusing you of things that you don’t believe happened (leading on the other guy and asking for it).  Tell him you want to work this out.  See if he feels the same and if he is willing to work on his trust issues and the two of you work on communicating better together.

Airene

Hi Dreaming,

I can relate to this completely, on both sides of the fence, being the initiator and the non-initiator.

For the people I truly, really care about, I get a lot of happiness in letting them know I’m thinking of them, without a thought as to whether they will initiate any contact, or have, or whether I have done it 5,000 times.  I try to remember birthdays, but don’t always.  I try to throw out a hello – by text, email, funny card –  if it’s been awhile since we’ve talked, because I want them to know I’m thinking of them.  Or if I see something that makes me think of them, I will snap a picture and send it to them.  I don’t think it’s the who did what as much as the message you are trying to convey.

We live in a time with so many ways available to connect with people.  I personally do not like the phone.  The connection is often marginal at best, and cuts out at sometimes the most critical time.  I find myself saying – alot –  “could you say that again?” “What did you say?”  “I thought you said….”.  I will chat for a few minutes, but would much prefer text, email or even getting together.  I love a good chat with a friend over a cup of coffee, but an hour is plenty for me.  People do have busy lives.  That doesn’t mean they can’t find 5 minutes to call or connect – but that is by your guidebook, not theirs.

If it helps you feel better, I can count on one hand the number of times my dad and sister have contacted me in any way shape or form in the past 5 years!  It’s irritating, for sure, but I do accept that this is how they are – it’s nothing personal toward me.  They are like this with everyone!

If you are sensing people are avoiding initiating contact with only you, then that is something to reflect on and consider why, and what you can do to change that.  If you are sensing they do not initiate contact with anyone, then that is something that is part of who they are, and you can reflect on ways to accept that characteristic about them.

You say you are afraid to ask them to schedule an initiated phone call because you feel like a burden and you fear they will revert back to their old ways.  I think you are accurate in how that would play out.  Imagine if someone said to you that they thought you were initiating too much contact, that they would prefer you only contact them once every six months – it might go against your natural instinct, and that would be hard to change.  It is the same concept for people who don’t initiate…it’s not part of their make-up, and would be hard to change.

Peace,

Airene

Hi Tebriz,

You will be fine, I promise.  I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love and who you have been with for a long time.

He wants to be your friend.  You can decide if this is something you want to do.  And as much as it hurts to type this, and for you to hear it, what you say is true – it is over.

Things will get better.  This is also true – it takes time.  If it helps, you can think about the things you didn’t like about him and the relationship.  You can remind yourself how he wanted someone to cook for him (what??) and help him pick out his clothes (what???).  It sounds like he wanted a mother more than a lover.  Is this what you want to be to someone who is not your child?  A mother??  I don’t think so.

There were relationships I had that ended and I would actually feel relieved.  It gave me more time to do the things I wanted to do.  Maybe there is a class you have wanted to take?  Or friends you have wanted to spend time with?  Something that might help is getting into a new routine.  When you find yourself wanting to call your ex, make a conscious decision to do something else.  As in…I will pick up my book and read when I want to call him.  I will call my sister/brother/friend when I want to call him.  I will do my nails.  I will make a cup of tea.  I will go to the store and just look.  I will walk around the block.   I will….fill in the blank with something that is constructive and will help you feel better about everything that is happening.  Since this is an amicable break up, if you absolutely need to call him, just call him knowing that the two of you will not get back together, and that you want to say hi and see how he is doing.  Again, without the expectation that the two of you will get back together.  One thing I have learned about guys and love is that for most of them, once they decide they are done, they are done.  He has told you clearly and plainly that he cannot love you.  Listen to that and find someone who will treat you the way you want and need to be treated.

These intense feelings you are experiencing now will lessen over the course of a day, a week, a month.  The best way to get over a breakup is to focus on YOU and the things and people you love.

Finally, remember that a relationship is something that should add to you life, not subtract from it.  It should help you grow as a person, not let you lose yourself.

Wishing you peace,

Airene