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Airene

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 134 total)
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  • in reply to: Husband Now Trying, After 30 Years #228071
    Airene
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    Thank you for your response.  I think if I showed the post to my husband, it would hurt him more than help.  I am considering writing a version of it, though, and letting him read it.

    I’ve had my own counseling on and off while going through marriage counseling.  I’d consider counseling, but feel I have gotten what I need from it and that is to speak up for myself, set boundaries and avoid toxic people.  Ironically, all of this personal development might end my marriage.

    I have many hobbies and interests that fill my time, so it’s not that I want or need my husband to be my source of entertainment.  And I’m very content being alone – to a degree.  But isn’t a spouse supposed to be a source of love and support?  Someone to talk to?  As I’ve mentioned before, my husband is a hard worker, funny and social (with other people, because it’s all surface stuff).  If I do the “work” in our relationship – calling, talking, hugging, positive – he is fine with that.  He doesn’t initiate it, though.  It’s like being married to a tree.

    It’s also like waiting at a bus stop for a bus that never comes, or the bus passes by, but doesn’t stop.  How long do you wait?

    Airene

    in reply to: Ashamed at my online/offline behaviour… #228027
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello AutumnGlow,

    It is so good that you posted and found some relief.  Hopefully in sharing, your pain has lessened.  You have helped others just by sharing your experience.

    Airene

    in reply to: Did I move too fast? Now I’m stuck #228023
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Joe,

    Thank you for responding.  I really do understand your frustration.  My brother went through something similar – is still going through it.

    What I “hear” when I read what your vision of a happy life is what anyone’s life is without responsibilities.  You had reached a point in your life where you were finding a sweet balance of time with your kids, time for yourself and time with your significant other.

    I’m wondering two things…what was it that ended your last relationship, and what is it about your current girlfriend that you fell in love with?

    You say you don’t do anything fun or exciting anymore.  When you had the weekend gettaways, was that something you did spontaneously, or did you have to plan it a few weeks out?

    Okay, that was a third thing I wondered about.  Write if you can, I’d like to read more.

    Airene

    in reply to: Friend/Lover of a year:Ghosting #227953
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Laurie,

    You are asking what his most recent text means.  It means he is fishing for a response from you.  He wants to see if you still care.  If you will go to great lengths to show him you care.  But does he treat you the same?

    As hard as it is to accept, there are people who really don’t give a shit about other people.

    What kind of closure would make you understand that he is a POS?  He even calls himself that in the text he sent you.  And yes, he was drunk.

    Airene

     

    in reply to: Intuition or Infatuation??? #227909
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Julie,

    You say here “I believe that if the love is there and real he wouldn’t be putting it on hold and having other love interests.”  How would you describe the relationship you have with your best friend?  Are you one of his “other love interests”?

    I believe your best friend is being completely transparent and open about where he is at this time in his life, what he needs, and how he feels about his ex.

    He does not want to be in a relationship with you at this time.  He speaks very clearly to you here, where you say what he has told you: “how it would only hurt me more because he would still be stuck on his ex and not getting the closure he needs.

    You are dismissing what he says to you when you say “I personally don’t believe him and his ex will last because they’ve had multiple breaks in the past”  Maybe they will last and maybe they won’t, and you can have whatever thoughts you have about it, but he feels what he feels.  And right now, he wants his freedom, and he still has feelings for his ex.

    I hope this doesn’t sound harsh because I don’t mean it that way at all.  But you say you feel “he is in denial for what he feels for me“, but in actuality, I think you are in denial about his feelings for you…which is that he likes you as a friend (maybe even loves you…as a friend) but doesn’t want a relationship with you.

    You decide what you need and want from the relationship as it is.  No hoping for this or that, or not believing him…his feelings might change, or they might not.  But you get to decide where you go from here.  Keep him as a friend, but continue pursuing other love interests of your own, or cut off the relationship completely because you want something other than what he is able and willing to give you, or??…you decide.

    Airene

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Airene.
    in reply to: Did I move too fast? Now I’m stuck #227887
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Joe,

    You say you do want this to work out, and you can see a happy life with her.  What is your vision of that happy life?

     

    in reply to: Intuition or Infatuation??? #227885
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Julie,

    Has your best friend made any indication about his feelings toward you?  If he has said to you, “you are my best friend, but I’m still in love with my ex,” I would take that at face value.  Then you need to determine if this is a healthy situation for you.

    When you love someone, it can be very easy to distort reality and project your feelings onto the person you love.  You may feel strongly about your friend – love him – and the love you have for him can have you turning a blind eye to what he might actually be feeling.

    Airene

    in reply to: Feel bit lost #227833
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Petal,

    How did the evening out for the two of you go?

    I asked about your interests, because I’m wondering what might help fill your void, your emptiness – something other than having a more fulfilling marriage.  What is something you enjoy doing that would make your heart sing?  You say you like cooking…would you feel happy cooking for others?  Trying new recipes and reviewing them?

    Or is it the lack of companionship in your marriage causing you distress?

    Airene

     

    in reply to: Ashamed at my online/offline behaviour… #227829
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello AutumnGlow,

    I’m so glad to hear that by coming here to talk your anxiety has dropped.  Keep posting, any time.

    Airene

    in reply to: Ashamed at my online/offline behaviour… #227823
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello AutumnGlow,

    I’m wondering about the “rejection” you feel (from him online).  If he hadn’t logged on less and less, but rather had continued to talk with you and contact you…would you feel differently?  Did he lead you to believe he cared about you?

    You are wise to not tell your husband about what happened and I agree with Anita that there is nothing to be gained by telling him.  Come here and share your thoughts and feelings any time.  You won’t be berated or shunned.

    Airene

     

    in reply to: Ashamed at my online/offline behaviour… #227737
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello AutumnGlow,

    Where you say this:

    “I still ‘get my days’ but nowadays it is more that I felt I could not move on. My head and heart were stuck in the past. Time had moved on….but I wasn’t moving with it.”

    Where you say you felt you could not move on…is this in relation to what happened with the online relationship, or with your husband.  Where you say your head and heart were stuck in the past…again, is this relative to your husband, or something else?

    The feeling of having someone pay attention to you is intoxicating, like a drug.  That kind of attention can be a light in a dark tunnel, it can be a fabulous dessert at the end of a boring meal.  I wonder….if your husband was giving you that kind of attention, would that fill your void the same way?

    You talk about how you would treat a friend in similar circumstances.  I’d treat yourself the same way.  Be forgiving, and each day say something to yourself along the lines of “I used to [______], but now I [_________].  That might help put the past in the past, and keep you focused on the here and now.

    Please post again to update us on how you’re doing.  Talking about what happened and what your feeling here can also help deflate the enormity of it in your mind.  Time will also do that, but talking it out helps move that along.

    Airene

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Airene.
    in reply to: Did I move too fast? Now I’m stuck #227573
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Joe,

    I’m wondering…have you shared your concerns with your girlfriend?  Have you expressed to her that you are not happy about being a single daddy for the next month?  Have you said to her that you need some one on one time with her?  Are the arguments you have with her about surface things?  Or are they about the situation at hand?

    I don’t think it helps to compare your current relationship to a past relationship.  She is a different person, with different circumstances.

    What you’re feeling isn’t much different than any married couple who has kids.  Do you think the kids (yours and hers) are at ages where they can start to learn to fend for themselves?  I don’t mean leaving the four of them alone for a weekend – but can you start teaching them how to be independent so that in a year or two (maybe less) you will be able to spend an evening out with no sitter, and eventually, have an overnight, and then eventually, a weekend away.  You could also try to arrange sleepovers for her kids, giving you a break on the weekends you don’t have your kids.  Just a thought.

    I agree with Anita that in order for a relationship to work over time, it needs to be win-win.  The two of you need to talk in order to understand what you each need.

    Airene

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Airene.
    in reply to: Feel bit lost #227571
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Petal,

    Anita does a wonderful job of reaching out, and I agree with all she has said and asked.  I wanted to chime in because I had a couple of thoughts too.

    I understand why you stay with your husband, but like Anita, I wonder…does your marriage meet your needs too?  Do you know what those needs are?

    I am in a marriage that has provided financial support, but not a whole lot more.  I have stayed for a lot of reasons, but being married to my best friend and soulmate aren’t those reasons.  I haven’t left because it would mean upset and disappointment for many people, and selfishly, it would mean a lot of changes that I am not willing to make at this point.

    Sometimes understanding why we do what we do, and accepting that understanding can bring its own peace, and this can be a form of happiness.

    I am curious…what are some of the things you love to do?  What are your interests?

    Airene

    in reply to: Do I smell bad? #227569
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Katie,

    First, just breathe. This will be okay.

    Second, your entire post centers around “smelling bad,” but that is not the issue.  The issue is that you are giving these girls – every one of them – too much power over you.

    Here’s what I think happened.  Mean Girl (the one who made the comment, “something smells bad”) might have been doing some psychological bullying.  Maybe she was doing this or maybe she wasn’t.  But your response to those three words – “something smells bad” – whoa. You smell fine, and you documented that clearly in your post.

    Here’s how you take your power back.  You decide who you want to hang out with, and if you want to get to know any or all of those girls.  Then…be pleasant, nice, friendly and funny.  You ask them “Hey do you want to [fill in the blank].”  They do or they don’t.  If they do, you spend time with them and decide if these are people who will add to your life or take away from it.  (Here’s a hint…if being with them results in your losing sleep, obsessing over everything you say…they are not people who add to your life.)  You can also be the example to Mean Girl of how to treat people.  If she’s pulling her crap line of “something smells bad”…counterpoint it with “Well, it must be YOU, because I don’t smell anything bad!”

    Go forth with confidence, and annihilate this bully!

    Airene

    in reply to: Very Done with Life #227567
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Niv,

    Your post compels me to say, “Things will be okay.”  Sounds trite, but I believe it’s true.

    I also agree with what Patrick says here, and I think this is where it all starts:

    “More Importantly, you must derive happiness and joy from your own life before you can share it with others.”  I would also add that you must derive happiness from within yourself as well, before you can share it with others.  You seem to recognize this in theory, but it is the practice of it that trips you up.

    I say this all from experience.

    I also picked out this from one of your posts: “Unfortunately that also involved a lot of people pleasing in other ways, like trying to fight fights that weren’t mine or trying to be some sort of savior…” Setting boundaries can be exhausting and feel like you’re letting people down, but be strong….say “no.”  Inwardly or outwardly, it is effective.

    Airene

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 134 total)