Hello AutumnGlow,

I’ve read most of the thread, and something that might help you cope with this is to accept that it happened, think about and understand why it happened and to be forgiving of yourself.

I can relate too, and as Anita said, you are far from alone in this.

I’ve learned from my own experience.  One thing that doesn’t help is to berate yourself for being human.  I’d also pay attention to your feelings of guilt (recognizing your husband was working hard to get extra money and you treating him the way you did) and your feeling of “how stupid you were.” These feelings are your conscience talking, and they also tell me that you value your husband and marriage and that you value yourself.  You recognize the guilt and why you feel guilty.  You recognize you were “stupid”, and why you acted on that.  (I am putting stupid in quotation marks because that is the word you used.  I wouldn’t be so harsh.)

You blame your loneliness for your actions, and I would pay attention to this too.  Have you talked to your husband about your feelings of loneliness and what you need from him?  Is he responsive? When people say marriage is work, this is some of what they are talking about.  A good marriage doesn’t just happen.  It takes a lot of communication from both people, understanding what each of you needs and how to meet those needs.  And both parties being open and receptive to working things out.

I would also urge you to take back the power you have within yourself.  This power will determine your thoughts and actions. It also puts the responsibility of your happiness on…you.  Your husband cannot be responsible for your happiness, but when you recognize you hold the key to your happiness, you are in the position of going to him and saying “I need this from you.”  And you go from there.

I hope this helps.

Airene

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Airene.

Hello koko vega,

Can you tell us one or two specific things he is asking you to change?  Is he asking you to do more of something or less of something?  Or to do something you are not comfortable doing?

When he asks you to change something, a good response could be, “I will work on myself, you work on you.”  I see this a lot in different couples…one person in the partnership takes on the “job” of changing the other person.”  There is a fine line between a) supporting a partner who is trying to change something and b) making sure their partner changes so that they themselves are happy.

The only person you can change is yourself.  Say this to yourself and also your partner.

Airene

Hello SkyWalker18,

I’m so glad you posted, and happy to hear you are seeing a therapist.  You are on a great path, looking forward and willing to do what you need to so you can heal.  Wishing you the best.

Airene

Hello Alexa05,

I’ve known couples who divorce and do so amicably.  My brother did a lot of stuff for his ex-wife after they were divorced, but they had two boys, and my brother did these things as much for the boys as for his ex-wife.

In your situation, the bottom line is…you are not comfortable with the level of communication he has with his ex-wife.  The fact that he didn’t take the call in front of you, and sleeping at his ex-wife’s place when he went back to his hometown…this does all seem odd to me.  I would wonder why he couldn’t talk in front of me, and I would also feel very uncomfortable about sleeping at the ex-wife’s place.

If you “keep it this way and don’t stir the pot anymore” he won’t have any reason to change.  If you force the issue – because it’s what you want in your relationship – then he will know where you stand and you will know very soon if he is able to make the changes or not.

People usually do what they want to do.  If he wants to change the relationship with his ex-wife to make the relationship he has with you better, then he will do it.  But if he wants to stay connected to his ex-wife, then he will find excuses and reasons to continue to do so.

Best of luck to you.

Airene

Hello SkyWalker 18,

It’s so good that you posted here.  My heart breaks for you.

I agree with Anita and StelthInfosec, and also wanted to share my thoughts as I read your initial post.

I, too, read that you are heterosexual.  The experience with your former friend was an assault.  I can see why you question your sexuality, but the things that have happened to you have been perpetrated upon you.  The abuse you suffered – that was also something done to you by another person.

You describe being confused and unsure…I wonder if you have muted your feelings about your abuse, and this has made defining big things in your life like your sexuality harder for you to recognize.

I will write more, but need to head out to work.  Just wanted to share my two cents’ and some support.

Airene

Hello John,

I wonder if your conflict is because what is happening on the outside of you is very different than what is going on inside of you.  You say on the outside you are perceived as charming, good looking, a badass.  Yet you fear never getting out of your mothers’ guest house, or having a good woman because you lack a healthy self-confidence.

What does a healthy self-confidence look like to you?  I can’t say I feel 100% self-confident every day, or that I like all aspects of my job.

The part about being able to pay the bills though…that’s something I would consider being within your power to change.  Is it solely that you don’t make enough money to get out from the guest house?  Or does it have more to do with how you manage your money?  I guess breaking it down might help define where the problem lies.  If it’s about making enough money…from the way you describe feedback you get about what you do, I wonder if you could charge more for your services?  Would being paid more make it easier to deal with “bitching clients” and working 10-12 hour days?  I think I can tolerate almost anything if I see the payoff being worthwhile, and I don’t mean just the monetary pay off.  Maybe your conflict about your job is that it doesn’t give you enough of a “payoff.”

Airene