Hello Kate_Rae_1306,

You have been with your partner for – 5 – years.  I am wondering….have you ever talked with your partner about your feelings about his mother/her involvement in his life?  And your “inkling” that she would prefer he not be with you?   This is the person you need to talk with about his mom.  Not the stepmother.  Not anyone else in the family.  You share your concerns and  feelings with your partner.

When you shared your feelings with his stepmother, you only contributed to the dynamic of speculation and gossip and other drama that cycles through his family – the very thing you say makes you feel drowned.  Your relationship with your partner is where your loyalty should begin and end.

The best advice I have ever read for couples dealing with extended family is that you manage your people and your partner manages his.  That means you are the gatekeeper for issues involving you and your side of the family, and he is the gatekeeper for issues involving him and his family.  I’ve been married almost 30 years.  This is something my husband and I have tried and it works. Using your partner’s relationship with his mother as an example….you are uncomfortable about the daily calls. You talk to him about this and listen to what he has to say.  Let’s say he doesn’t see it as a problem and maybe he even wants to talk to his mom every day.  You and your partner either find a way to compromise, or you accept this as being the relationship he has with his mother – just like you would accept that he has blue eyes instead of brown.  (also recognize the dynamic of their relationship may or may not change, for better or worse!  All you can do is manage how you handle it.) Or this ends up being a deal breaker for you, and you leave the relationship.  Or he says he will find a way to curtail the calls.  Emphasis there on “he” will find a way to curtail the calls.  You do not go to his mother and ask or expect her to change her behavior – unless you want to plant the seeds of animosity.

Just my two cents’.

Airene

Hello RedDress,

So glad you responded.  You say you have achieved plenty of things that appear monumental, but don’t feel a sense of personal achievement.  I am wondering…if one of your friends was describing you, what are three words they would use to describe you – not what you’ve achieved, but who you are?

You describe your life as going badly, but seeing that it is so good for others.  What are you seeing in others’ lives?  I think comparisons are helpful only if it leads you to discovering what is within your power to change – either something in yourself or something in your life, or helps you put things in perspective.  It’s easy to see the good in others’ lives…the material things, the achievements – because people don’t typically trot out their failures, disappointments and shortcomings.  I’d be aware of that too when you see things as going so good for others.

Airene

Hello Athena,

The fact that you understand where you are now, and understand what you want to see change is a great thing!  I agree with all that Inky has said.

I grew up with dysfunction, and have tried very hard to change the things within myself that keep the cycle of dysfunction alive and well.  As a parent I have regrets, but try to change what I can, where I am, with what I know now.  Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better.  Then when you know better, do better.”   I try to be open with my kids as far as my doubts – I don’t always know the answer or the next step, and yes, I make mistakes.  This helps them to see me as human.  I hope it will also help them see that they are human too…that mistakes will happen, and doubts will arise, and they will find their way through it.

With friends and relatives who judge, gossip, scrutinize…to the best of my ability, I ignore, ignore, ignore.  They have no idea what goes on in my world with my kids.  Likewise, I try not to judge or gossip about other parents unless it impacts my life and kids, or would serve the greater good.  I also agree with Inky…learn to brag about your kids, practice false modesty…and if your kids “overhear” you talking like this, it’s a bonus!

With regard to your mom….you need to take care of YOU and your kids.  If having her live with you only adds another layer of stress and difficulty, say NO.  Your first obligation is to you and your kids.  And when others judge you for this (and they will), ignore, ignore, ignore.

I remember difficult days with my kids.  One day especially, years ago, when it was summer vacation and I did NOT want to get the day going.  I anticipated struggles, yelling, and constant tension.  That day I made a conscious effort to do everything with my kids from a place of love*.  Not a place of anger, or “shoulds”, or even “I need to teach them this so they will learn…”  This has made a big difference.  I paid attention to the tone I used when talking to them too.  This made a difference.  It wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies, but I tried to imagine how I would want someone to talk to me and treat me, and tried to treat my kids accordingly.

*In overcoming my own struggles, I realized my parents – who loved me and did their best – did a lot of things from a place of “do as I say, not as I do.”  And the more resistance from us, the more yelling there was.  The more yelling there was, the more resistance and opposition there was.  A vicious cycle.

Being self aware is a big first step.  Things will get better.

Airene

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Airene.

Hello RedDress,

Anita raises a good point – focusing on a desire, rather than an expectation. And Mark raises a good point too – focus on NOW.

The things you describe – im tired, i overeat, i meet someone i know and fear ive said the wrong things and scared them off, i dont get thanked at work for trying my best, the guy i like doesnt even notice me – what I hear when I read this is that you need to have confidence in just being you (you fear you’ve said the wrong things…say what you want to say, in the way that works for you…not everyone will like what you say or how you say it.  That is okay.), and managing your expectations (you don’t get thanked at work for trying your best…if you know you did your best, give yourself a pat on the back.  While it would be lovely for coworkers to thank you, it may be that your coworkers are waiting for someone to thank them!  Be the change you wish to see…start thanking your coworkers and see if it catches on.) and you need courage (the guy you like doesn’t even notice you…if your goal is to meet this guy, then gather up your courage and approach him.  Just talk to him.  You may find out you don’t even like him!)

You can’t control people or things around you, but you can control how you react to them.  The other thing I hear in your post is the inner turmoil you feel – about regret and wasting your prime.  Rather than view it as though you wasted all this time, consider viewing it as “that was then, this is now,” as Mark suggested. Change will come with each small step.  And when something doesn’t go as you had hoped or planned, tell yourself, “That was disappointing.  The rest of the day will be better.”  Throwing away an entire day because one thing always goes wrong is a waste of all the things that went right that day.  Focus on the good that happened.

Airene

Hello Peony,

The loss of your pet and a divorce are in and of themselves difficult to deal with.  You are dealing with both at the same time.

Your anxiety around your job situation is understandable, given the changes in your personal life and I can see how this would cause you to question whether your job situation is a good idea.

I will also add, you and only you can make the decision, regardless of what someone else (your sister, for example) says or thinks about it.  Because for every person who will say “why would you do such a thing,” there are other people who will say “you are so lucky to have this opportunity!”

You ask…

“Is the timing right?” – will the timing be any better in a month, or a year, or 10?

“What do I do with my house?” – Rent it out, ask someone to check on it, sell it…there are options, just figure out which one will work best for you.

Will I be lonely? – probably…aren’t we all lonely at some point in our lives?  Also, being lonely is no different here or there.

Is this crazy? – what does that matter?  If it works for you, it doesn’t matter if it’s crazy or not.

Should I sit with the grief longer? – the grief will go with you.  You can sit with it here, or overseas.  Personally, I’d rather sit with it overseas.

Is this a rash decision? – See the answer to “is this crazy.”

Can I do this all by myself? – You won’t know until you do it.  And if you find out you can’t do it by yourself, then you will have your answer.  I think there is a difference between being able to do something and wanting to do it.  You may have all the ability in the world, but if your mindset is working against doing any of it, that is more of a problem than having the capability to do it.

Any big change and/or decision will cause some amount of questioning, anxiety, nervousness.  Let’s say you do this and it turns out to be horrible and awful.  You can always change your route…meaning, you can go back to your house (if you keep it), you can find another job.

When all is said and done, you may say “I wish I never would have done this!”  But you will have learned things about yourself, and you will have grown as a person.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all.

Airene

Hello Joe,

I am wondering if you ever offer to go with her on any of the weekends she goes to see her family?  Not because I think you should do that, but just wondering if you ever have.  I am also wondering if she sees the dynamic with her family as being unhealthy?

I agree that the relationship with her family is dysfunctional and not healthy.  As to your questions about it being possible to get her to see a therapist, and if you are being an idiot…

The best chance of her changing the dynamic with her family is for her to see that it needs to change and for her to want to change it.  Up to this point, you have been the one that wants it to change.  She seems okay continuing in this cycle, in spite of returning worn out and sick.  You can talk about it and plead and beg and set all kinds of boundaries, but what it comes down to is that she is not willing to change it.

I wonder what would happen if you, in fact, left her.  I think her response to you doing that would be the best indication as to whether you would be an idiot for hoping for a happy, healthy relationship.  I believe in her mind, you are important to her and she loves you.  But she wants to do what she wants to do.  You want her to say that you and your relationship with her is more important than her family, and she isn’t willing to do that.  She isn’t willing to do that because there is no real consequence to her at this point, other than listening to your distress about her family.

You have been doing this for 2.5 years with her.  Ask yourself if you are willing to spend another 2.5 years doing the same thing –  Hoping for things to change, begging and pleading with her to change the situation with her family?  What I anticipate happening is that it won’t change, but your feelings about it will rise closer to the surface and you will voice your frustration more often.  How do you think you will feel then?

I will also add that you have the option of accepting this dynamic with her family as part of who she is.  It’s not much different than a relationship where one person, say, smokes, and the other person doesn’t like it, but loves everything else about the relationship and the person.  You can decide if you will tolerate it or not.

Airene

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Airene.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Airene.

Hello Samantha,

You pose some very thoughtful questions – do you ask someone to modify behavior only to discover months, years later they are not capable of changing?

As Anita points out, it is good to understand the difference between needing someone to be who you want them to be, and seeing the person for who they truly are.  You also need to understand yourself enough to know what you will and won’t tolerate.  Love for someone can cloud the reality of what is.  And given the foundation of your past, which sounds like there was a lot of deceit, I can imagine it would be difficult for you to trust your perception and also trust anyone to be who they say they are.  For me, one way to measure whether a person is basically honest is if their words match their actions.  I know plenty of people who say one thing and do another, but their perception is that they are doing everything they say they are doing.  Your perception might be that they are lying, dishonest, etc., but they might believe they are who they say they are.

I have not read your past posts, and don’t know anything other than what you posted, along with the reference Anita made about you being suspicious of your boyfriend from the beginning and that she has not read anything alarming about his behavior.

Where you make reference to evaluating someone’s behavior and express your concerns about their behavior….so they can adjust their behavior….

There is the saying…”When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”  You are noticing something about someone’s behavior that causes concern for you.  That is okay.   And absolutely you should talk about the concern – communication in a relationship is important.  You state how the behavior is making you feel.  “When you do __________, I feel _________.” And hear what the other person says.

Along with talking about your concerns is managing your expectations and knowing what the other person is capable of doing and not doing.  You can have all kinds of expectations of your boyfriend, but you need to understand what he is capable of, as well as….are your expectations realistic?

These are all things I’ve learned throughout my 56 years, 29 of which have been spent with my husband.  I didn’t know anything about relationships or marriage when we got married, other than what my parents and his parents had modeled for us.  Along the way, I’ve also learned a lot about myself, and what is and isn’t important to me.  That factors into all of it too.

There are no guarantees, and no relationship is “perfect.”  But with the right person you can work together to create something that is good for both of you.

Airene

Hello Jenine,

Like Anita, I’m wondering why you didn’t say something to your new friend about needing to focus on studying?

You say “after a failed attempt to get into the dating scene, I can’t stop thinking about him.”  Is it him you’re thinking about, or just feeling lonely and needing a friend?

If you do reach out to him, I wouldn’t start off with an apology unless you sensed the friendship was moving toward something beyond a texting friendship – the reason being that what the two of you had might have been a blip on his screen and in fact he might not remember who you are.   I would start with hello, and light conversation.  And ask how he is doing.  Go from there.  You will know if an apology is in order based on his responses.

Airene