Hello Heartbrokengurl,

Is this the guy you were seeing in April?

I can understand why your anxiety is amped up after sharing something deeply personal and difficult for you.  You want reassurance, and he’s not giving you that, at least not at this point.  He might be processing things or he might be trying to find a way to tell you something he knows you don’t want to hear.  Given that he has been distant and not texting as much, not calling or messaging, I’d be prepared.  If it’s just torture for you to wait to heard from him, if you haven’t hear from him on the third or fourth day, I would reach out to him.  Be as unemotional as possible, and ask him where he is at with you and everything you told him.  You have a right to know, as much as he had a right to know your circumstances.

Please post any time.

Airene

• This reply was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by Airene.

Hello Grace,

You say you don’t believe your boyfriend when he tells you that you are the prettiest girl in the world, because you don’t think you are his type.  I am wondering….is he YOUR type?

It also seems that your self-worth is wrapped up in a great deal of your perception of your physical appearance.  Looks fade, and we all change.  I would encourage you to begin focusing on deeper aspects of yourself beyond the physical.

Airene

Hello Victoria,

Where you say this:

“This isn’t really about the stripper, it’s more about how he responds to me. He’s told me he feels like I want him to change, be something he’s not…but he doesn’t realise that I don’t want to change either…….I just don’t know why he’s always evasive but I want it to stop.”

I know that relationships are complicated so I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m over simplifying the issue.  I understand you and your boyfriend have some good things going.  What you have described here sounds to me like you want a promise from your boyfriend that he can’t or won’t deliver.  In a way, he is actually showing his integrity – he doesn’t want to commit to something he can’t or won’t do, because that would put him in the position of having to lie to you, and he doesn’t want to do that.     He also is not asking you to change, necessarily, or compromise your values and wishes.  All he is doing is saying “this is who and what I am.  Take it or leave it.”  When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.  He is showing you that – at this point in his life – this is what he is capable of.

I think we all want assurance and guarantees that the people we love will love us as much or more, and try to make us happy.  Even if your boyfriend reacted the way you wanted him to (by giving you assurances and committing to the boundaries you set out for him), none of it is a guarantee.

The fact that you feel he is evasive points to you not trusting him.  And relationships without trust are built on a foundation of sand.

I might start by laying all of this out for him, expressing your concerns – not in the sense that you want him to change, but just telling him what your concerns are.  See if his response leaves you feeling secure or anxious.  I’d pay attention to that.

Airene

Hello Liz8,

I agree with Mark, 100%.  Your guy might be the nicest guy on the planet, and you might be compatible in 99 ways out of 100, but he is not capable of making a commitment.

If you were to continue a relationship with him, you absolutely need to accept that a) he has a drinking problem and b) he will be involved with other women.  Can you accept the relationship on those terms?

Airene

Hello Victoria,

You said, “I tried to compromise with what I’m comfortable with and he won’t respond or agree. So now I’m worried he’ll always act like this when something comes up, big or small, because he acted the same way about Instagram and other things.”

Then you say, other than that, he’s perfect.  That’s like saying the Titanic is perfect, other than that one big hole.

Your boyfriend loves you enough to let you compromise in every situation. There is no give and take in this relationship, when it comes to the real issues.  Not to mention he won’t respond or talk about it with you.

I would walk away.

Airene

Hello L,

I imagine you are hurting quite a bit.  When someone decides a relationship “won’t work,” it’s normal to want to know why.  And to want to know if it is something about you.  Or if it’s something about the relationship.  But if you knew any of that, and the relationship didn’t end, would you ever feel comfortable in the relationship?  Or would you just be waiting for the same thing to happen, but on a different day?

He told you he broke up with you because he loved and cared about you, and didn’t want to be a bad influence to your son.  I would give this a lot of weight.  I would also give weight to the fact that his decision to end the relationship really is about his inner struggles – this is what it sounds like to me.

I think it’s good that you have not contacted him.  I mostly wanted to post just to tell you to hang in there and things will get better.

Wishing you the best,

Airene

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Airene.

Hello D,

Relationships run all different kinds of ways.  Sometimes people can sense when someone is needing more than they are able to give, and this might be a reason why you don’t get the reciprocation that you are looking for.

Some people – most people – are just busy.  They have good intentions of saying hello, or responding to texts, but they might be having a bad day, or they just can’t find the energy to respond.  Especially if they know you will be disappointed no matter what they say.

The title of your post is “How to Stop Giving So Much.”  It might take some practice, but when you text someone, be mindful that they might text back immediately, or a couple of hours later, or not at all.  Before you send the text, you need to be okay with whatever the outcome is going to be.  Otherwise, don’t send the text.

If you’re feeling your friends aren’t reciprocating the way you would like, try to consider the friendship from their perspective.  What do you think they think about the friendship?

Airene

Hello D,

The way you start your post by asking how you stop giving everything you are to anything in your life, makes me wonder if this is a common thread that runs through your relationships with friends, family, coworkers, etc. – that you give everything you are – or if this is a result of one specific relationship.  Is there more that you are willing to share to give a better sense of what has made your heart ache so deeply?

Airene