Hello Shrkri,

I agree with Anita – what would life be like for the two of you if your family and his family didn’t exist?

I also agree with Mariana – it sounds like he was never included in the decision making process, including getting a divorce.  Did he want that?  Did he ask you to divorce?

Airene

Hello Yooyoo,

Anita’s recommendation to “fake it til you make it” is spot on.  I use this method often.

The fact that you recognize that you are uptight is one thing.  Is this something others comment on as well?

I think you can be accountable and responsible and be chill too.  For me, it starts with recognizing where my responsibility in any situation begins and ends.  As far as work goes, is there a manager for the project who is supposed to be keeping the group on track, and focused?  If there isn’t, could you be the director of the group?  Would having control in the situation give you a greater sense of peace, or would it add to your irritability?

If I am in a personal situation, or even work for that matter, and something is not being achieved or a goal is not being reached, I first look inward.  Is it something I am or am not doing.  What can I change to make this goal happen. Then I look at the group – is there a broken link somehwere that needs to be addressed? Is the break in one individual, or is it in the group as a whole.  I also consider the goal – is it attainable?  Is it something that can realistically be achieved given the resources available? If not, can the goal be redefined, or does it need to be abandoned and replaced with a more realistic goal?

Airene

Hello Laurie,

I’m so sorry for everything you are going through.  You came to trust someone who is, at best, someone who cannot express their feelings, and at worst, a coward.

I hope that you have heeded the advice from others who have posted and have taken back sole access to your credit/debit/financial accounts.  I am wondering how you came to allow him access to your bank account?  I would think a grown man, with children, would have his own bank account.

People are saying he used you.  If he has not paid you back money he owes you, then he did use you.  However, you also admit that you helped him with a personal matter of your own free will.   I hope that you will acknowledge that, and – as painful as it is to say this, and for you to read it – I hope you will also recognize that even though he used you, you allowed him to use you.  You did it for all the right and caring reasons:  You were helping a friend.  My hope is that from this you will begin an internal dialogue with yourself if you ever come across someone needing help.  The dialogue begins with: How is this my problem? The second part of that dialogue is you telling the person needing help, “I hope you figure something out.”   If you still feel compelled to help someone after telling yourself that, ask yourself if you are willing to accept that a) you may never see the money again and b) the person may be using you.

You said you got involved with him against your better judgment.  In future, heed that judgment, and your intuition.  When you have that sense, all you need to do is get to know the person better.  Make sure their actions match their words.

You say in your original post that he usually calls you first thing.  I am wondering…did you ever initiate contact with him, or did you wait for him most of the time to call/text/contact?  When one person is always doing the initiating, it can create an imbalance in the relationship.

Right now, you are in a state of wonder, shock, questions, whys and yes, grief.  When you feel hurt and betrayed, please put this back on him.  You were acting in the name of friendship and concern.  Now that you know better, do better.

If you are waiting for him to “come clean” and give you an explanation or apologize and/or repay you before you make peace with this and move forward, I encourage you to not wait.  He treated you badly, you learned from it and a better, stronger version of you will move forward.

Airene

• This reply was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by Airene.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by Airene.

Hello FullOfRemorse86,

Anytime someone is pushing you to do something you do not want to do, and continues to push you to do something you do not want to do even though you have explained that you do not want to do it – this is a red flag.  What I read in your post is that the person you are head over heels in love with became needy and clingy when you told him “wait a minute, I need to think about this.”  This is also a red flag.

Now, you have rethought your position, asked him to “take you back”, and he is treating you like a puppet on a string.  I am wondering two things.  Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who will treat you this way – he’s hemming and hawing, cancelling plans on you, barely responds when you try to talk to him??  And also, why have you not set some limits with him telling him you won’t live in limbo (notice I said “won’t,” not “can’t”.  The difference is with by saying won’t, YOU are setting the limits and are in control of your life.  Saying “can’t” puts the love of your life in control, as if you are waiting for him to make the decision!

You said he told you that he fell out of love with you in the week you were apart.  Does this sound like the kind of love you want from someone?  You also said you want to “prove to him that you love him.”  My thought is that if you love someone and they love you, it’s something you feel – and it’s a good feeling.  It’s not something to prove, or apologize for, or feel like you are doing something wrong or that they are doing you a favor.

I would stop all contact with him as of right now, and move on.

Airene

Hello Ally,

I’m so glad you posted.  I was wondering about a couple of things….

– Is your father like that with everyone, or with just you?

– Does your father have mental health problems, or drug/alcohol addiction?

Airene

Hello Paul,

I am wondering the same thing that Anita posted about…what you mean when you say your family are monsters, are not bad people?

I also will echo what nextsteps said…that women do not just want rich guys.  If anything, women at your age will have a better sense of who they are and what they are looking for.  Yes, some women only want wealth and everything that goes with it.  I would also ask you to consider the difference between a woman only interested in money, and a woman who is interested in financial stability.  Big difference.

It is also true that your divorce is relatively new, and without a doubt, it takes time to recover from that, even though it was more or less a mutual decision.  I will also note that your post is more about missing the connection you had with someone, versus missing your ex-wife.  That reads to me like you are in a good place, even though you may not feel that way at the moment.

Nextsteps is also accurate in saying that not being with someone now does not spell the end of any chance of you being in a relationship again and having children, if that is what you are hoping for.

You are doing all the right things in taking care of yourself.  I hope you continue to work hard, go to the gym, meet up with friends…all this will lead to healing and putting you on a new path.

Airene

Hello Meow Anna,

If I understand the situation…you and your boyfriend live together.  You make less than he does.  You had a joint account, but are not using it at the moment.  Why is the joint account not being used?  You say he does pay for groceries more than you do.  You might have mentioned this, but do you and your boyfriend split the rent and utilities down the middle?

What I get from your post is that you have an expectation of your boyfriend.  You want him to pay more because he earns more.  You kind of/sort of addressed this with him, but you say he didn’t really respond.  Or, is it that he didn’t respond in the way you wanted him to?  You want him to understand your financial situation – and why it is this way (so you can spend more time with each other) and you want him to appreciate it.

You say here, “But what I am missing is some money for myself but even more to see that he understands my situation and makes use of the income he has to increase my overall contentment with no big impact on him financially.  Yes, I could just do another job, but then we would almost never see eachother and it will be a sure way to the end of our relationship.”

I think this is the crux of the problem.  You want him to use his income to increase your contentment.  Have you said this to him directly?  It seems to be the white elephant in the room – he knows it’s there, you know it’s there, but no one is really addressing it.  You need to have a clear conversation with your boyfriend about finances.  The way it is structured now is not working for you.

You say that doing another job will be a sure way to the end of your relationship.  Is this true?  Or is this something you imagine happening because you won’t see enough of him?  You need to have a clear conversation with your boyfriend about your relationship, and the impact of you doing another job.

Your resentment about this will only grow unless you talk to him about it.  His responses will give you the direction you need.  If he is not willing to “increase your overall contement with no big financial impact on him,” then you need to decide if you are willing to stay in the relationship, do another job, and support yourself independently.

Airene