Hi Maria,

I think sometimes the fault isn’t with us for being blind to our exes’ personality, but rather our exes for behaving badly. You believed him. There’s no shame in that. But you also you can’t avoid pain in relationships–that’s part of the deal. Love is always a risk.  And  I think you made out ok in this one. You’re not marrying him! Thank god!

Your ex sounds quasi-racist, confused, and not really brave or confident. Sometimes one’s family doesn’t know better, and it takes a person confident within himself to know that.  I think he saved you from making a big mistake. You know what they say, “Rejection is God’s protection.”

I know you feel stupid. Who wouldn’t? But it will pass. All that means is that you put yourself out there – and that’s a good thing!

One day you’ll find someone who will fight for you, who will want to be with YOU (and not his Mom lol). Take some time for yourself, love yourself LOTS – you’ve had a rough go of it, but every day the pain will be a little bit less.

Sending you good vibes 🙂

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Hi Singlechild,

Your story breaks my heart. I have an ageing parent too, and it’s so hard.

Good fathers are a truly a gift.  Each moment spent with him is a really a gift to yourself. Now, your situation is a bit complex given all the restrictions and details, but, know that if you’re thinking of moving back, it’ll just feel right. Do it though because you want to spend this time with him, not because you’re trying to save him. Sometimes as children we can get confused between the two.

Good luck!

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Hi Amir,

My heart breaks for you. I am of Middle Eastern decent as well and completely understand.

If I may share a story with you – that of my parents’ marriage – which may inspire you and your partner.  My parents, who are both Middle Eastern, married against the wishes of my father’s family. Without going into too much detail, my father moved out of his family’s house in protest, as he was arranged to marry his cousin. He was about your age and established in his career. We’re also talking 1970s Iraq. His parents did not attend the wedding, a few of his sisters did, begrudgingly. No one supported their marriage at all. But I can tell you, having watched their marriage for the last forty years – they are perfect for each other.

Why not fight for her?

Good luck 🙂

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Hey Amanda,

I’ve been in similar situations. I will tell you this: No amount of money is worth your sanity. NONE.

I’ve left toxic situations–and not easily, mind you–and I can tell you from experience that once you leave, new opportunities come. They just do. And I saw all of my worrying was for nothing. Trust the universe. It has your back.

If you take the part-time job at the school, maybe another opportunity will come out of it, who knows. But only you know your limits. What you will take, and what you will not. Maybe teaching a subject you’re not passionate about is your red line. And maybe that with the fact that it is part time makes it less desirable. Does it? Or was this decision purely financial? Again, questions to ask yourself.

But my only question though is, why would you want tenure in a toxic work environment? Like, why? You’re obviously a great teacher; you could get tenure anywhere including your dream school. Why sell yourself short? Yes, taking the part-time job is a risk, but you’re betting on yourself. Isn’t that a risk worth taking?

Sending you good vibes girl ’cause I’ve been there 🙂

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Hi Tiny Butterfly,

I completely relate. My dad has Alzheimer’s and has been on a steady decline since his early 60s (He’s 75 now). It’s like watching a slow and painful death, I know.  The good news (I know right, how can there be good news) is that for me, going through it with him and watching the father I knew slowly disappear made me appreciate that seed of him that is always there, you know? Do you ever experience that with your mom? Over many years, gradually,  I let go of him as I remembered him all my life. I was forced to adapt to the person he is. And now, I really, truly, treasure those moments I have with him where he’s my dad again – they come like a flash, then they’re gone. And I’m ok with it, well not totally but I’ve accepted it I feel. My dad makes me appreciate life, every moment, because honestly one second he’s right there with me, and the next second he’s gone.

The whole thing is a process. I understand the anticipatory grief; maybe you’re worried about your health? But you can’t predict the future. We have to suffer in our lives to understand the pain of loss, and appreciate people when they are here. My dad has taught me that. You can only live right now. And you must!  Parents dying is a fact of life. Everyone experiences it–so please reach out whenever you want.

Also you’re doing an amazing job caring for your mother. Just remember that. So many people in this life have no one to care for them at all, and just by being there, loving her, is enough. Trust that she knows that, and is grateful for you .

Take it easy, tiny butterfly. Do something you enjoy today. Send you good vibes:)

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Hi Matt,

Well I’m not sure why your girlfriend likes talking to someone who is always sad. That within itself just sounds annoying. Like I was literally annoyed and I only read about him. I mean honestly, life is hard for everyone.

I think the best thing to do is ….nothing.  Like, NOTHING. Meaning, don’t engage her when she talks about him. Let her learn on her own how annoying he is.  (I may sound harsh, but people who vent and complain a lot about their lives really annoy me )   And if she doesn’t, at least she can’t engage you. Misery loves company, and you have to make it clear to her that you are simply not available to discuss him.

Focus on you guys. Being in love is awesome!!! Please don’t let this other guy taint your experience. Perhaps suggest a therapist? Yea, that might be best.

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It’s ok, Selena. I can say from experience, everything will be ok.

Take a deep breath.  Think of one thing you are grateful for (as an exercise to get through the anxiety), the sun, the spring flowers, whatever. I say that because plans of proper action arise out of a peaceful mind.  Maybe it’s calling your mom, or a cousin, or a friend to lend a couch for a couple weeks, or a temp agency; their job is to find work quickly. Either way, a plan will arise and you will be fine.

I could share with you the many, many times I’ve been in your situation. In a moment though, an opportunity for some element of security arose that I never saw coming.  Of course I was never calm during times like these, lol,  which is why I’m advising you to be 🙂 Every seemingly horrible thing that happens is for our good. It’s hard to see that now, of course, but I promise you it is.

Sending you lots of love and positive energy

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Hi Greenshade,

TinyBuddha can be your support system, if you choose. Sometimes only a few helpful, encouraging words can set us on the right path for the day.

Take care,

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