Hi Sam,

Go big or go home. Yes, confront your father. BUT, and I say this from experience—be prepared for him NOT to give you the answers you need and deserve. Confronting him is more for you to just have the truth out there, you know? Not for him to choose to spin it his way. Unless his explanation would make a difference to you. Would it? From your post I don’t think so…

Since you asked, I completely cut off all communication for my mother and consequently my father too (who is kind and sweet so that was hard) several years ago for an entire year. That was a big deal for me. I live about an hour away, not under the same roof as you, so I can only imagine what you must feel. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Cutting them off at that time was the best thing for me. I needed to just get away from all of the toxicity and deceit. Kind of purify myself. Not that that was my intention, but that is what wound up happening. It was the best year of my life.

Fast forward–After that year, I initiated a relationship with them, on different ground this time. I had boundaries, which I didn’t have before. And it was ok for awhile. But unfortunately, the trust issue came up again in a different scenario. Although I wasn’t as hurt and pained–I was hurt, but not to the extent as I was the first time– I questioned why my mother was even in my life if I can’t trust anything she says? This world is tough enough without such difficulties, as I’m sure you know.

Does that make sense? It’s just really hard to have a relationship with a parent without trust. Even though I no longer speak with them, my parents do know I will be there for them in crisis, or if they ever needed anything. And I say this because I’ve been so careful not to say anything damning to them. Maybe that’s the Middle Eastern in me. But I don’t want regrets.

Does that help?

Hi Wendy,

I have somewhat of a different take on this–I think it absolutely does matter. We CHOOSE the people with whom to share our lives. And your boyfriend needs to understand that part of his responsibility as a partner is to respect and protect your passions. It isn’t easy to dance in public. Or publish a book. Or start a company. All of those take tremendous courage. And that does require the respect of our partners.

Sure, his friend’s views are not his. But as a boyfriend his job to protect you. I disagree that dancing is the issue– it’s not. Nor is you caring what other people think. The issue is that what your boyfriend thinks and does DOES matter to you–as it should. And by not standing up for you, or setting his friend straight, he showed that he himself maybe doesn’t understand how important this event was to you. And that is a problem.

Discuss where you are coming from with your bf. Maybe he’ll get it. Maybe he just needs to get used to you dancing. But if he doesn’t get it or continues to allow other people to behave disrespectfully, please don’t let thirty years go by and just suck it up. Voice your concern. Stand up for yourself. This isn’t about dancing, but about respect. We all deserve it–and ESPECIALLY from the people we choose to share our lives with.

Good luck!
Pink:)

Hi Searchingforanswers,

Oooo I’m sooo sorry to hear about your broken engagement. That’s tough. I hopefully can offer some insight as I’m 38 and have been on both sides of this experience. I think it’s probably the most honest reason why some relationships don’t work out, at least for a time.

In my experience, most men will not get married until they feel like they’re successful in the world. Men by nature want to provide and protect, so if your man doesn’t feel that he’s in that place yet, it doesn’t matter how understanding you are (and you sound super understanding and mature) he’s not going to feel worthy of marriage. From what you say, your man seems like he’s getting himself together–which is good for him. And I believe when he says he wants to get himself ground before he can proceed.

But for you now–no contact with him is best. I hate to say that, because I know how hard it is, but it truly is the best thing for you. You’re only 24 (I know, so cliche) and you can do whatever you want. Like, WHATEVER YOU WANT. So why not explore what YOU want out of your life? I know it seems like he’s your whole world. But that will change. So maybe you’re not ready for a guy right now. Or even cocktails with friends. Maybe it’s a yoga class. Or a vacation by yourself to Belize. Or the Peace Corps. Who knows? The point is to not try and actively move on, but just let each day be what it is. Good, bad, ugly. That’s the thing about a broken heart. You just never know how you’ll feel, and sometimes it makes you have crazy great experiences you would never had had otherwise.

Take good care of yourself!

Pink:)

Hey Lexie,

Maybe it’s not so much about being hurt over this guy but really thinking if this guy fits the bill for you. Just because we are honest about wanting a relationship and someone gets involved with us doesn’t mean a relationship is what they want. Sometimes, guys just don’t mind where they get action from. Seriously. What helps me is this Maya Angelou quote -‘If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time’ Love that.

So keep your eyes open. The right guy will come. And forget about this guy. Obvie he doesn’t want what you want, he said so. S Take a day of mourning – eat ice cream, watch Lifetime– and MOVE ON! You are SO awesome. And I say that because you actually know what you want, and you’ve done the work to get it. That’s worth celebrating, I tell you that.

All the best,
Pink 🙂

Hey again tmeinke301,

You know better than anyone what’s right for you. Just don’t ever feel like you have to be in a relationship because you are ‘behind’ in some way. You’re not. People get divorced all the time, no matter how many relationships they’ve had. And so what if it’s your first relationship and you’re over 30? Actually that’s more of a reason to postpone. Do you know the kind of woman you want to be in a relationship? Are you that woman? And don’t you want to see what’s out there? I know that’s easier said than done. But just please know every relationship is different and you should never settle for less than what you deserve.

Just make sure you’re going to go through with the marriage for the right reasons. Being over 30 shouldn’t be one of them–there is life after 30! And it’s amazing. And most of all, think about what matters to you–really matters to you. And see if this guy fits the bill. If he doesn’t, have faith that there IS someone out there who will.

Take care 🙂
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Great advice, Rock Banana. As someone who deals with anxiety over situations that are out of her hands, as most are I am slowly realizing, this post was very helpful to read. Thanks Penguin for putting yourself out there and asking for help. As for my two cents, I can honestly say mindful meditation has basically saved my life. My inner life. To be able to see situations as they are and simply surrender to them without added my own thoughts or beliefs or personal history greatly improves my experience on this Earth. I read somewhere once that our lives are meant to be joyful, and it is our job to find that joy throughout every day we live. Maybe we go through situations that don’t make any sense so we can learn to accept them and let them go. I’m sorry for your condition, Penguin, it must be difficult. But you seem to have a cheerful, bold and self-reliant attitude about helping yourself. That within itself is a great thing. Sending you good vibes!

Pink 🙂

Yay! Elle that is such great news! You soooo deserve it. Go get it girl. 🙂 Pink