Lol Steve, road trip…I wish! Your attitude sounds so much better these days, and your perspective is right on. Love it! I imagine it would be pretty uncomfortable to go up and talk to random people. Not something that would be easy to do the first few times, I am sure. The dance class thing is awesome!! And as someone said above…there probably are a lot more women than men in those classes. That’s a great idea actually. Plus it’d be fun. What kind of dance? I would love to take swing lessons. 🙂
Regarding friends and couples…it could just be people on the outskirts of the circle…you know, like someone they work with that you aren’t even aware exists! I put out feelers with just two girl friends of mine and neither of them have huge social circles, but they both came back with two eligible guys pretty quickly lol. I say it’s worth it just to mention it! You have a good year too…looking forward to more forum communications with you! 🙂
When you decide to just step back and not worry about the relationship stuff, I’ve found it to be a pretty big relief. And it’s exciting to just take a while to figure out yourself and discover how awesome YOU are.

Hey again Steve!

Yep, I spent New Years alone as well. Went to bed at 9 lol. Actually I went to my mom’s house, so I wasn’t completely alone but still…almost felt more lame than actually being alone. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. But then I thought for a minute about how awesome it is that I have a mom that I like spending time with and that likes spending time with me…also thought about the fact that even though no one had asked me to do anything, I’m fairly certain if I would’ve reached out to someone I would’ve been able to find something to do.

I’m happy to hear you are going to lay out some goals for yourself and the future!! I think that’s great to have stuff to focus on that is about you and not some potential partner. I’ve been feeling a little blue about singledom at the moment as well. Mostly just having anxiety that I will never meet anyone I connect with in the way I want. And it sucks to think that online dating may not be as great a fall back plan as I had originally hoped. But who knows what will happen when the time is right!!

I’ve been feeling the need for adventure lately. Like to quit my job, pack up some things and just truck it across the country. Maybe a little crazy. Maybe me hoping I can leave my problems behind. Not gonna happen though, I know.

Ohhh girl, I wish I had some suggestions. I’m just chiming in to let you know I’m dealing with this as well. It’s nice to hear some of your co-workers are actually aware of the problem. The people I work with (it’s really only two out of about 20) seem to be completely oblivious. I think it’s sweet that you want to give them some guidance on how to cut out the gossip…I think the best thing you can probably do is just lead by example. As you know, you are only in control of your own actions. If they want to continue the gossip, that’s on them. I struggle with this daily…it makes my work environment pretty shitty sometimes to be honest, but I am recognizing that’s just because of MY feelings and interpretations of what’s going on. I find myself either being true to myself and stepping out of conversations that turn gossipy and then feeling paranoid that they’re talking about me or think I’m stuck up because I won’t participate. OR getting involved in the gossip more than I would like and then feeling crummy about myself afterwards. I’ve decided I definitely prefer just being true to myself and dealing with whatever insecurities my non-participation brings about. As we both know, this is an unfortunate dynamic of any office environment. Until I can figure out how to become independently wealthy, I am just going to have to use this annoyance as a mechanism for personal growth. Which can be So. Challenging. lol.

Oh! I just had an idea…since your co-workers are aware of and want to change the problem, could you have something like a swear jar? Any time one of you starts gossiping, you all call each other out and the gossiper has to put a dime or something in a jar? Just a thought…

Good luck 🙂

Steve –

I only speak the truth! You sound to me like an honest, respectful, kind and caring person. While you may not need fixing, but you ARE unavailable to me as you live in another country lol. See – that’s my pattern, but I’m trying to break it. 🙂 I’m glad you see how fortunate you are not to be with your ex anymore. But again, I also understand how frustrating it can be to feel ready for a relationship but yet not have one. Do you have friends you can go out and do things with? In the past, I have devoted so much time to boyfriends I have neglected other relationships. I’m also pretty introverted, so if allowed I will isolate myself like none other lol. Anyway, since my last relationship ended a month ago and I’ve decided to settle into this single thing, I’m making a goal for myself to do something with friends once a week. Maybe you could do something similar? Even if you don’t really feel like it, I think we sometimes forget how many people are there for us and love us.

Love Led Zeppelin. That’s funny your kids got you into them…they have good taste! I also really like Muse and the Black Keys…have seem both of them in concert, great shows! Interesting you say you don’t like “new” country…I feel the same way. Old country’s pretty great though. Love me some George Jones. 🙂 Do you like folky music at all? I would suggest the Head and the Heart and Fleet Foxes if you are at all interested in taking suggestions haha. If you only check out one of the two, give Fleet Foxes a listen. Seriously, they got me through this last month. Really beautiful stuff, I promise.

Steve! If we lived close to each other (assuming we don’t…) I would totally date you (also assuming you would date me lol). You sound like a catch, just going through a bit of the blues at the moment. You might think what would make you feel better will be to find a woman who’s a good match for you, but I think it’s more about you. You probably hit it on the head when you said “it seems I haven’t really focused on mine [happiness] enough.” That’s what you need to do now! Of course I don’t mean neglecting your kids, but make yourself a priority as well. I feel like you are probably a really giving guy in relationships – so if you were to get in a serious one right now, do you think you would be neglecting yourself some more? Tending to her needs and the needs of the relationship and not exploring what it is that truly makes YOU happy….

Also – regarding your ex, have you done any therapy to try to move past that hurt you still feel over the relationship? I understand it frickin SUCKS that she’s such a shitty person. Especially if she’s being a shitty mom to your kids. But it is HER. You are a great dad, a good influence in their lives and thank GOODNESS you are no longer in that relationship!! You did spend a whole lot of time in it, but as Dr. Phil says (can’t help it, I kinda love him sometimes) “the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 20 years is being in a bad relationship for 20 years and ONE DAY.”

What kind of music do you like? 🙂

Honey, you ARE strong. You are on here asking for support because you know this is not what you want. The decision you are faced with is not an easy one for sure!! The reasons you’ve given for struggling with it are all very valid.
I think you just need to take it one step at a time. Right now is not the time to think about whether or not you will have your idea of family. You cannot predict that anyway, so stop. Even if you stay, who knows how much longer you both could spend doing this same old thing. As Dr. Phil always says (sorry if you’re not a fan, but he’s got some good one-liners) “the only thing worse than being in a bad [or just wrong] relationship for 3 years is being in it for 3 years and one day.” You know? Makes a lot of sense. I think right now you just need to check out places to live that are in your budget. Sure, you may not find something equal to what you had before, but it will be YOURS and you will not be waiting for someone else to decide where your life is going. Just because HE is not jumping at the thought of getting married doesn’t mean that YOU are not good enough!! His feelings say absolutely NOTHING about the person you are and your worth.

Personally, I have been listening to next to nothing other than Fleet Foxes for the past month. They got me through getting my heart broken and now that I’m bouncing back, I still frickin love them. Good times, bad times and everything in between. 🙂

Hi Sapnap,

I just wanted to offer you some support through your struggle. I imagine being in a place that is not home and where you don’t have a support system would be really hard. And then on top of it, you lose your phone – your connection to that support system (!) and you are all of a sudden completely alone and forced to look at yourself. I deal a lot with self hatred too. But, I can say it has lessened considerably in the last couple years as I have come out of hard times stronger. I think that’s what’s happening with you – you are going through some character building, life changing tough times. To me, the fact that you could move to another continent speaks to the fact that you are incredibly strong. You may not see it now, because you are in the thick of it, but believe me – you are STRONG. Your reasons for moving to Ireland don’t matter – the fact that a man that you don’t have contact with anymore played a part in it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are there now – it is where you are supposed to be. And who knows why – it just is. 🙂

As for the self hate, while I still struggle sometimes, I know what helps was really starting to realize that I would never think about anyone as negatively as I was thinking about myself. And what purpose was my self hate and negative self chatter doing? Abso-freakin-lutely none. It sounds cliche, but when I really embraced and believed it, it helped – we are all different. There is only ONE of you. JUST ONE. That’s amazing. So just be you and love yourself. None of us need more people to put us down, but we can always use more people building us up. Be that to yourself.

Good luck. 🙂